How do we deal with the expensive requests?

[geckofrog]

So teen DSC's mum has clearly been saying "no, ask your dad" to some rather expensive requests. Phone contract, expensive clothing, a trip to a theme park with mates. The Christmas list this year was frankly embarrassing to give to their relatives who had asked for it as they usually spend about £20-£30 and everything on it was £100 plus. Not just one item, about 10.

Anyway how do we deal with this? Thing is I'm the higher earner at the moment and I do have some spare cash so I'm wondering if this has somehow come across as dad must have money of they are doing up their kitchen.

Should we just say no, ask your mum? Even though it's obvious she's sent DSC our way.

Firstly completely normal to have delusional lists.

In my work one guys 12 year old asked SANTA for a Gucci disco bag and matching belt.... We were laughing because at that age he wanted man it'd branded shin pads and football and. I wanted scented gel pens 🥴

I would tell relatives the gift list is bigger items and to give £20 cash or whatever to put towards something on the lisy and let DSC decide what bit of claptrap / nonsense of the list they want/ need most.

Your husband sits her down and tells her she needs to be mindful of the cost of this wish list! I mean a list is for your parents - I might ask what someone wants but I don't want to be dictated to.

I’ll admit to being confused - given you and your DH are in a comfortable position as a family, wouldn’t you be buying the step kids a decent gift for Christmas anyway and funding a couple of school holiday activities anyway? That stuff is usually in addition to maintenance. So tell them they need to pick one or 2 good things from their list and get them those…. The rest they can ask their mum for again or go without. Surely there was an expectation they would still get a couple of things they want at Christmas from their dad and you… and teens typically don’t want $20 toys!

Those are pretty normal requests for teens. I would say your DH is dropping the ball as a parent if he isn’t aware of teens and how they differ from young children. Most teens want clothes to fit in with peers, they like tech and phones and they like to do things with peers.

while you may say now you will never pay for your child to do any outings with peers, never buy any tech or phones and never buy any brand name clothing - you may end up actually doing this when your child is older. You seem to really dislike these kids and think they are entitled assholes but they are actually pretty normal teens. Your DH needs to step up and be a decent parent and actually get to know his kids as teens and what is important to them.

Not that he needs to buy them everything but their requests are completely normal and appropriate and expected.

These are pretty normal requests from teenagers, regardless of whether their mum is telling them to ask their dad for this. You (or more reasonably their dad) needs to take the ex out of the equation and decide what is financially feasible and then manage their expectations appropriately. Regarding making extravagant requests to extended family… who passed on the list? If it is them then your DH needs to also manage their expectations regarding presents from other family members.

You are absolutely right that, legally, your income is not considered in terms of maintenance, however if I were your DH I would be concerned that the DSCs are at an age where they will be able to notice if their DF is living a very different lifestyle to them, and this might lead to them to question why they don’t get more extravagant presents from their DF, if he (and SM) are seemingly well off and leading a lifestyle associated with a high earning household. Obviously this is for your DH to manage. However I do often find the situations like this difficult to understand. I have a child from a previous relationship and also now live with my long term partner who earns significantly more than me. When we bought our current house we had defined shares, to reflect the fact that we contributed unequal shares towards the deposit. However our wages both go into a joint account, and all spending (including my child’s Christmas presents) comes out of that, therefore my DP is effectively ‘paying’ for my child to have a nicer standard of living. He’s always accepted that as simply what happens when you live with somebody who already has a child. I’m not sure I could be in a situation where I effectively benefited from living with a higher earner, whilst my child continued to live a more ‘normal’ lifestyle. As I said though, this is more your DPs ‘problem’ to accept and manage.

I agree with @MeridianB I would ignore the stepparenting aspect of this and treat it like any demanding teenager. Budget is x for Christmas.

This year DSS handed us a list worth a thousand or so. He got told no and dad went through the list with him to get to the 200 budget we had for him and he asked for reasonable bits from aunt.

I understand the frustration when it's coming from mums house ( I outearn DP so the Disposable income comes from me) but ignore it next year