Page 2 | How do we deal with the expensive requests?

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Fantina · 16/12/2023 08:33

My DC have asked for very expensive things this year and I’m a single parent and they know my bills have skyrocketed so I also found it irritating. I told DS no for the big ticket items he put on the list straight away to manage his expectations and we discussed together which things were appropriately priced for us to recommend to grandparents etc.

I was honest with DD that although I would have loved to buy her a £200 main present that she’s asked for, it’s out of reach so not happening. I do pay for the majority of their stuff around the year so I will occasionally suggest that they ‘ask their dad’ for something as a way of reminding all of us that they have two parents. Eg, sometimes I’ll say ‘yes I can pay half for that (expensive) school trip but you’ll need to ask your dad for the other half’

Original poster

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 08:34

Bichonmum · 16/12/2023 08:32

Give them a budget and tell them they can have cash to go towards the expensive item if that's what they want.

I wouldn't give relatives a list of things that were out of their price range, just say dsc wants xyz if you would like to contribute toward it.

Yes I did wince when DH said he just sent the list on without checking the prices etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 08:34

Itsaselectionbox · 16/12/2023 08:33

Does Dad ever contribute to things like mobile phone contract, theme park visits? Yes these things are expensive but part of teen life. If Dad is having CMS deducted from his wages, he is paying the legal minimum so Mum can't be expected to foot the bill of everything else. With regards to present buying, I'd generally let teens have one expensive (but not crazy) item if I could afford it.

He isn't having CMS deducted from his wages.

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crumblingschools · 16/12/2023 08:35

Teens are expensive but also most teens like cash so they can put towards more expensive things

MzHz · 16/12/2023 08:36

We had this. DH said he’d go halves or contribute an amount towards it and to ask her mother/grand parents for chip in

and he’s loaded, this was just an attempt by the ex and dsd to get a shit ton of money out of him.

as soon as he started pushing the half or stipulating the amount he was prepared to contribute, ALL the stupid expensive requests stopped

id also make sure to tell relatives to say similar and get what they want to give and not go on the list

you have to treat grabby behaviour swiftly and firmly.

Original poster

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 08:37

MzHz · 16/12/2023 08:36

We had this. DH said he’d go halves or contribute an amount towards it and to ask her mother/grand parents for chip in

and he’s loaded, this was just an attempt by the ex and dsd to get a shit ton of money out of him.

as soon as he started pushing the half or stipulating the amount he was prepared to contribute, ALL the stupid expensive requests stopped

id also make sure to tell relatives to say similar and get what they want to give and not go on the list

you have to treat grabby behaviour swiftly and firmly.

Yes! I think you get the dynamic. That's a good idea.

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Itsaselectionbox · 16/12/2023 08:37

Ahh, sorry I misunderstood.

MzHz · 16/12/2023 08:37

And yes @geckofrog theyre after YOUR money. Take a long hard look at what you’re saying/sharing/paying for. Just for a bit potentially until the lesson is learned

it’s a life skill. Not being grabby and materialistic at the expense of others.

rookiemere · 16/12/2023 08:37

This isn't a DSC issue, DS is exactly the same. Stupid list sent to relatives with extortionately priced items of clothing, then he wonders why last year he got a box of sweets that he liked when 8 years old. I told him to put a few things on around £10-£20 but of course in that price range he buys what he wants already.

Original poster

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 08:40

rookiemere · 16/12/2023 08:37

This isn't a DSC issue, DS is exactly the same. Stupid list sent to relatives with extortionately priced items of clothing, then he wonders why last year he got a box of sweets that he liked when 8 years old. I told him to put a few things on around £10-£20 but of course in that price range he buys what he wants already.

The mum putting it on dad is very much a DSC issue.

I posted in stepparenting as that dynamic is at play here. I'm the one with the cash. She wants at it.

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Ellmau · 16/12/2023 08:41

The Christmas list this year was frankly embarrassing to give to their relatives who had asked for it as they usually spend about £20-£30 and everything on it was £100 plus. Not just one item, about 10.

Vouchers or cash in their budget is the way to go, then he can put it towards one of the things he wants perhaps with his own savings added if it's really pricy.

More likely to be influenced by friends than his DM IMO.

AppleKatie · 16/12/2023 08:45

Just because she is putting expectations on Dad it doesn’t mean you should engage. She is the wrong but imo it’s much worse for the children if you actively engage in this dynamic. It’s for the kids sake not hers that people are saying leave her out of your side of the narrative

Floofydawg · 16/12/2023 08:48

How does the mum know how much you earn?

Toooldtoworry · 16/12/2023 08:50

@geckofrog I am in your position too. Historically we've bought the consoles, etc but DH has been made redundant and his new job pays a third of his old one. His ex knows this but she still presses us to pay for the expensive school trips, presents, all uniform, etc even though DH pays substantially more than the CMS calculations.

Riverlee · 16/12/2023 08:52

You just need to reiterate that those items are above your budget.

SheilaFentiman · 16/12/2023 08:53

Teens definitely want more expensive things, annoyingly! Mine also moan on about iPhones.

Your DH sending on the list without sense checking it is on him. He should look at it, talk to DSS, say “if you want an iPhone, I will contribute £100 and I can ask all your other relatives if they are ok to contribute, then you can save pocket money for the rest”

NoSquirrels · 16/12/2023 09:00

10 days before Christmas is not the time to start asking for expensive stuff for Christmas especially when your original list was also expensive and things may have been purchased.

So this is list number 2? My kids know that any Christmas wish lists need to be with me before the last weekend of November - if they want a crack at expensive items then I want a crack at the Black Friday sales! This close to Christmas they’re out of time. And I tell them I want all price points please.

Nothing wrong with teens putting stuff on a wish list, even if it’s expensive, at least then we as parents can discuss - which your DH and his ex still can. They can go halves on something desirable if need be.

Sounds like more open communication needed.

Original poster

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 09:09

Floofydawg · 16/12/2023 08:48

How does the mum know how much you earn?

She doesnt know how much I earn but she must know I earn more than dad as the maintenance is linked to earnings plus some so she gets maintenance and then the kids must tell her we're getting a new kitchen or they tell her stuff we/I have

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Original poster

geckofrog · 16/12/2023 09:14

NoSquirrels · 16/12/2023 09:00

10 days before Christmas is not the time to start asking for expensive stuff for Christmas especially when your original list was also expensive and things may have been purchased.

So this is list number 2? My kids know that any Christmas wish lists need to be with me before the last weekend of November - if they want a crack at expensive items then I want a crack at the Black Friday sales! This close to Christmas they’re out of time. And I tell them I want all price points please.

Nothing wrong with teens putting stuff on a wish list, even if it’s expensive, at least then we as parents can discuss - which your DH and his ex still can. They can go halves on something desirable if need be.

Sounds like more open communication needed.

From what I gather there was one list then mum has chosen "her" list and the rest has gone to dad. This was asked for back in early November. DC has now said actually can I have a phone contract for Christmas. So that's pissed on the gifts we actually got her!

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AlisonDonut · 16/12/2023 09:35

I earned twice what my OH did and just left what he was going to get his daughter to him to decide and work out with his relatives.

sleepyscientist · 16/12/2023 09:39

You need to have a discussion with DH about how finances for DSC are going to work now they are getting more expensive. Can he contribute less to the joint pot or can you have one joint account.

In DS's friendship circle iPhones are normal, usually refurbished with a sim only contract. Extended families also seem to spoil the kids. Could the list be shared as a DSC really wants to concentrate on quality over quantity (true for our DS) therefore cash towards one of the following would be appreciated.

We usually do one or two expensive gifts then pick the rest off as little bits. I circulate the rest of the list as cash towards and it works well for us.

Floofydawg · 16/12/2023 09:42

You need to have a discussion with DH about how finances for DSC are going to work now they are getting more expensive. Can he contribute less to the joint pot or can you have one joint account.

Er what? She doesn't have to subsidise him just because he has kids. That's not how it works.

Fooshufflewickjbannanapants · 16/12/2023 09:51

You are allowed to say no, it's ok to say no, and a learning curve for everyone not to pressure, not to change minds and not to fly in with stuff just before Christmas! I'm always amazed about how grabby some teenagers are,

Illpickthatup · 16/12/2023 09:52

No is a complete sentence. Just no. I wouldn't bring their mum into it. She's not the reason you're saying no. You're saying no because their requests are ridiculous and too expensive. She may be bringing dad into on her side but that doesn't mean you should do the same. My DSCs mum badmouths us to the kids, doesn't mean we do the same. It's not fair on the kids. You can't control what she does but you can rise above it.

Just because they put it on a list doesn't mean someone has to get it. They're going to grow up entitled and spoiled if they always just get what they want. Your DH needs to decide on a budget based on what he's prepared to spend and what he can afford and make that clear to them. Never mind what their mum is doing. We never pay any attention to what my DSCs mum spends because it's irrelevant.

averythinline · 16/12/2023 10:04

I do think you need to be about teens xmas wants though..... And also teen brain development...its a difficult time for them..
Advance planning in October what the thing they want in 2 months time is unrealistic for many teens ....
And things are dearer... Look how many threads bemoaning the small pile of v expensive teen stuff vs under 10s..
And to be frank many will see getting what they want as sign of live/attention....
Think dads happy to spend money on a kitchen or your child but not them....
Does their dad give them regular pocket money they can save?. would suggest next year you tell budget in Oct but dont buy anything til Dec...
And can match saved funds/family etc .. theres a good book on teenage brain development...helped us understand some of the challenges