Issues with Co-Parenting and Christmas Plans

[HelpNeeded23]

Hi All

For background; my partner and I had a baby in 2021 so our child is now 2. My partner has two children (10 and 12) from a previous relationship.

Shortly after our child’s birth we broke up so did not spend the first 2 Christmas’ together but we are working through our issues and have recently got back together. I was excited to have our first proper family Christmas.

Since my partner and his ex broke up 5 years ago, she has brought her two children over for Christmas dinner. I was happy for that to happen again this year and for us all to be amicable for the day.

My partner has reached out and told her this and she has said no. The issue is she is refusing to allow my partner, child and his extended family to see his children unless he uninvites me.

I still have my own home but we spend half the week together as a family at my partner’s home as it is bigger and closer to my child’s nursery etc.

I now have no idea what to do as she is point blank refusing for her children to see their Dad’s family if I am there on Christmas Day. My partner has asked if I can leave my child for around 6 hours on Christmas afternoon so she can come round with the children. I really don’t think this is fair.

She also won’t allow him to go there for a few hours instead. It is either I am banned from Christmas completely or he can’t see his children at all.

The worst part is he is a very involved Dad. He has the children at least 3 days a week, pays the majority of his ex’s bills (around 2k per month) as she has health problems and we have spent a lot of time and effort making Christmas lovely for all the children.

I am at a complete loss at what to do. Any ideas?

Thank you x

I should add that he had been broken up with his ex for nearly a year before I met him, so I was not the other woman so to speak.

He goes to court and gets contact arrangements set out .

Agree with PP. This is ridiculously controlling and unfair of the ex. Why is your DP happy for you not to see your DC on Christmas Day but he won't stand up to the ex and potentially not see his other two until a court order is in place?

She doesn't get to dictate the terms. Take it to court. Cheeky mare. How awful she is.

I agree with you both but he will not, not see his children for several weeks or months until he has a contact order in place.

He’s said the children have to come first and as she’s refusing contact on Christmas Day unless I am ‘banned’ then I have to leave my child for 6 hours.

There is literally no ifs or buts, that’s what I have been told is happening!

He buys the children (and her child from a new relationship) all the Christmas presents from her as well as from himself/us. If I was him I’d say I’m not helping out financially in that respect until she drops the control but he’s literally too scared of what she will do.

Her reason for not allowing the children to be here on Christmas Day is that when my child was born I had a rare form of Post Natal Depression called Post Partum Psychosis.

I was extremely poorly at the time and spent a couple of months in hospital but she sadly uses it against me and says it makes me a ‘risk to her children’ and that I am going to ‘emotionally abuse them’.

I’ve spent the past week running round the shops buying everything Lilo and Stitch for her youngest!
I love and care about them as they’re my child’s siblings. The whole situation is just really upsetting.

Do not be bullied into leaving your child there. Can you take Dc to your parents? If not have a lovely day together at home.

You need to make your own plans. He doesn't see the baby unless he comes to you. Do you have family to spend it with? Otherwise quiet one just you and bub. You're always going to be second fiddle to her. So set your boundaries. I wouldn't get back with someone who's putting another woman ahead of me consistently

I could spend it with my parents. The problem is my partner is steadfast on his 3 children being together at Christmas, he’s said if they’re not it ruins it completely and will break his older twos hearts.

Well if I was him I would get a court order, stop paying for her and step up and put my partner and children before an ex. And have Christmas year about or split the day or something.
If I was you, I would run far and fast away from him. He’s still acting like he’s in a relationship with his ex, not you!
Did he see your child the last 2 christmases? Were you invited when you weren’t in a relationship with him like his ex is? Or is only his 1st ex and children important?
Also he doesn’t get to say this is happening and that’s it. How does ge get to say that to you and not his ex? Take your child to your parents/family/friends/yourself and stay away from this ass outside of proper agreed contact plan. Things are never going to be good with him

He's not your partner if he prioritizes his ex. You can't force him to put pressure on her but you can refuse to play the game. Can you go and spend all of Christmas with your family?

You won't have time to take it to court for this Christmas, even 'emergency orders' take months. He could try a strongly worded solicitors letter to put the wind up her and say you hope compromise will be reached to avoid court maybe? Show her he means business.

So again it’s only him and his older kids he’s considering? What about you (his supposed partner) and your child? Why aren’t yous the consideration?

This isn't his choice to make. I have children to two dads and one of my kids goes off at 2pm every year. Yeah it takes the shine off the afternoon but it's only fair we both see him. They can't play happy families once a year at your expense. Be blunt, you won't be leaving your child there. He's welcome to see your child before the other two turn up with his ex but you won't be sitting on your own without your child while she experiences Christmas with your kid!! So selfish.

I've just read your later comments-sorry he wants to take your joint child with him and have them not spend Christmas with you?! On your bike mate...

Gently, what happened to make her think your illness could negativity impact her kids? you say she uses it against you, but is there anything that has happened that could have given her reason for concern?

Also, when you say you recently got back together, how recent are we talking? She may be concerned that the reconciliation may not work out and it would be confusing for the kids.

Just trying to look at it from a different perspective.

Then he needs to sort this not you. Id make plans with your own family and leave it up to them to bicker it out.

Well tough shit for him then, because Christmas WILL be ruined. Unless by "steadfast" you really mean abusive and coercive? He doesn't get to tell you to leave your child and bugger off, what utter cheek. Mad of you to even consider agreeing.

You go to your parents with your child on Christmas. It won't 'ruin' his Christmas and if it does it is entirely his fault for not putting boundaries or a court order in place to prevent horrible ultimatums like this happening.

This relationship isn't going your way work out for you. He is too much of a wuss with his ex to ever do the right thing or prioritise you above her demands.

You absolutely should not leave your baby with him on Christmas Day - he's not the boss of you and he can say what he likes but you don't have your do anything, just because he says so.

Why do you accept him bossing you around but being unable to put in proper boundaries either his ex?

Honestly I'd knock this on the head now as it's never going to work out well for you.

You have a DP problem, he should have stayed an ex. He wants you to voluntarily exclude yourself, as a mother, from your child on Christmas day to pacify his ex? Honestly OP this is unforgiveable.

No, it's his refusal to stand up to the ex that will break his other two children's hearts. That is the consequence of allowing his chain to be yanked like this.

Either everyone, including you, are together.
Or you go to your parents with your own child and have a lovely Christmas on your own.

You leaving your child for six hours is just not an option and you need to get that shut right down immediately. You have agency here. Stand up for yourself.

I developed something called Post Partum Psychosis a few days after giving birth to my son.
I was experiencing voices, hallucinations and did not believe my child was mine. I was taken to hospital and treated for a couple of months in a mental health unit. I have since recovered from this and at no point did her children see me when I was poorly.

She is studying psychology at university so maintains that me experiencing this after the birth of my son makes me a danger to her children.

I hand on heart do not believe she actually thinks that, it’s just the one excuse she can use to try and control the situation.

She has now said she needs an emergency hysterectomy and kidney transplant etc in order to try and gain sympathy from her ex/my partner.

Do not leave your child. He has to choose to support you or give in to blackmail from a vile woman.

Thank you all for your responses, I think I agree with them!

I am 26, my partner is nearly 42 and his ex is around the same age as him so I feel I am treated like a second class citizen by virtue of my age.

You are all right, he does go to his ex to ask what she wants to do or when she wants the children before he comes to me.

He is so scared of her taking the children that he does everything and anything she wants.

I know if she had a new partner this would stop but I don’t think that will happen any time soon due to her health problems.