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Original poster

Issues with Co-Parenting and Christmas Plans

133 replies

HelpNeeded23 · 30/11/2023 08:58

Hi All

For background; my partner and I had a baby in 2021 so our child is now 2. My partner has two children (10 and 12) from a previous relationship.

Shortly after our child’s birth we broke up so did not spend the first 2 Christmas’ together but we are working through our issues and have recently got back together. I was excited to have our first proper family Christmas.

Since my partner and his ex broke up 5 years ago, she has brought her two children over for Christmas dinner. I was happy for that to happen again this year and for us all to be amicable for the day.

My partner has reached out and told her this and she has said no. The issue is she is refusing to allow my partner, child and his extended family to see his children unless he uninvites me.

I still have my own home but we spend half the week together as a family at my partner’s home as it is bigger and closer to my child’s nursery etc.

I now have no idea what to do as she is point blank refusing for her children to see their Dad’s family if I am there on Christmas Day. My partner has asked if I can leave my child for around 6 hours on Christmas afternoon so she can come round with the children. I really don’t think this is fair.

She also won’t allow him to go there for a few hours instead. It is either I am banned from Christmas completely or he can’t see his children at all.

The worst part is he is a very involved Dad. He has the children at least 3 days a week, pays the majority of his ex’s bills (around 2k per month) as she has health problems and we have spent a lot of time and effort making Christmas lovely for all the children.

I am at a complete loss at what to do. Any ideas?

Thank you x

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 01/12/2023 19:21

HelpNeeded23 · 30/11/2023 09:21

I could spend it with my parents. The problem is my partner is steadfast on his 3 children being together at Christmas, he’s said if they’re not it ruins it completely and will break his older twos hearts.

What about breaking your heart? If he is dead set on his 3 children being together then he needs to have a serious conversation with his ex. She’s controlling him emotionally and financially and whilst he puts up with this it’s going to cause issues every special occasion that comes up (and probably general day to day stuff). I understand him wanting to not risk seeing the kids but he has to do something. You don’t have to leave your child with them, it’s one thing to leave your child with an ex for Xmas because it’s only fair to take turns or whatever but to leave your child with his dad who your in a relationship with because his ex doesn’t want you there is very unreasonable

HeckyPeck · 01/12/2023 19:56

I'm sorry he is being such an arsehole OP.

You really need to get the child benefit claim in ASAP. You can claim online and it doesn't need proof of your child's address: https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit/how-to-claim

You can also register your child with a GP using your address.

I know you're worried he holds all the power, but he doesn't. He's already proven that he won't go to court when push comes to shove.

Worst case scenario if it does to court would be 50:50 custody split. To me that sounds much better than the current set up.

I also second the advice to speak with a solicitor to get a good idea of where you stand. There might be other steps for you to take before telling him you've changed your mind about staying together.

Child Benefit

Child Benefit - child benefit rates, eligibility, how to claim, child benefit claim form CH2.

https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit/how-to-claim

webster1987 · 01/12/2023 20:33

I'm sure she'd have a change of heart if he stopped paying £2000 for her bills....

MeridianB · 02/12/2023 06:46

Emmylou22 · 30/11/2023 20:57

Precisely this! And if he really wanted to stand up to the ex, surely he could just stop funding her lifestyle.

There is absolutely no reason you shouldn't claim child benefit. If he earns too much, it makes complete sense for you to claim as you don't live together. He's essentially depriving you of £90odd a month. And by putting in that child benefit claim, that puts you in a better position as your son's primary carer.

Show quote history

This. Your partner and his ex both sound controlling, ignorant and lacking in empathy. And that’s before you get into the ridiculous financial situation. It’s hard to see why you want to be with him when he treats you so poorly.

I’d aim to agree that you have primary custody with whatever contact you feel happy with. Get all the financial support you’re entitled to from state and him.

Tell him where you will be spending Christmas if he wants to visit your child. Make this totally non-negotiable- who does he think he is?!

Perhaps consider the Freedom Programme to escape the emotionally abusive stranglehold he’s put you in over your health and your position as a mother.

I recommend this book by an amazing writer called Laura Dockrill, chronicling her own experience of PPP. https://www.waterstones.com/book/what-have-i-done/laura-dockrill//9781529110210?sv1=affiliate&sv_campaign_id=259955&awc=3787_1701499397_44069eeb7957d83bff6a7ed9000db432&utm_source=259955&utm_medium=affiliate&utm_campaign=Genie+Shopping+CSS

Lookinginthemirror2 · 02/12/2023 09:07

This is all really uncomfortable to read OP. It sounds like you are in a very coercive relationship. You can call women’s aid asap and seek advice on how to safely leave this situation. I also think you should speak to a solicitor (don’t let your partner know) about how to ensure that he does not seek to prevent you from having access to your child. I also agree with others about claiming CB.

Regarding the situation with his ex, it almost seems like he is attempting to play you off against each other, perhaps to maintain control of you both? I would take what he is saying about her with a huge pinch of salt, I imagine he is saying some pretty awful stuff to her about you.

Redlarge · 02/12/2023 11:38

webster1987 · 01/12/2023 20:33

I'm sure she'd have a change of heart if he stopped paying £2000 for her bills....

Do we know that he really is or is this what hes tellin OP. Also the exs operation thing... he could have made that up also....
My ex would do all of above in a heartbeat.

Thelifeofawife · 02/12/2023 19:55

Sorry if I missed it but what happened the last 2 Christmases?

Your partner and his ex are just completely taking the mick. It’s one thing saying for you to not be there with his kids (which is just controlling on his exes part), it’s quite another that his ex will be in tow. Under no circumstances do you agree to this set up! How dare his ex expect you to be apart from your child when she wouldn’t accept being away from hers, just so they can all spend Christmas together like a family (which they are not!), especially after she had a child with someone else! It’s ludicrous.

I know you said things would maybe be different if she was with someone else, but people like that don’t change sadly. My DH’s ex has been the same controlling high-conflict PITA when single and in a relationship. They just love the control. (I don’t know how any man can want to be in a relationship with someone like that, especially if they want kids, knowing it could be them in that situation with her in the future!)

Thelifeofawife · 02/12/2023 19:58

I’d also love to know why he’s paying for anything other than maintenance when she works and has a child with someone else (who she presumably gets maintenance and benefits for). Something isn’t right here OP

Howmuchtohireahitman · 03/12/2023 15:30

HelpNeeded23 · 30/11/2023 09:12

I agree with you both but he will not, not see his children for several weeks or months until he has a contact order in place.

He’s said the children have to come first and as she’s refusing contact on Christmas Day unless I am ‘banned’ then I have to leave my child for 6 hours.

There is literally no ifs or buts, that’s what I have been told is happening!

He buys the children (and her child from a new relationship) all the Christmas presents from her as well as from himself/us. If I was him I’d say I’m not helping out financially in that respect until she drops the control but he’s literally too scared of what she will do.

No wonder you broke up with him if he's so unsupportive of you and so keen to bend over backwards for his ex. Tell him to get stuffed.

Original poster
HelpNeeded23 · 03/12/2023 22:48

Thank you all so much for your responses!

The new development is his ex would like to meet me and discuss our differences over the past few years. She will then make a decision as to whether or not she is going to agree to me being there at Christmas.

I don’t know whether to go? My partner has said that she is looking for an apology and to ‘prove to her’ I am not a risk to her children after having post partum psychosis.

I feel concerned about meeting her due to accusations made in the past. I am honestly concerned I will get there and she will say I’ve said something I haven’t or tried to attack her in some way. If I do go I will be taking a friend that she doesn’t know to sit at another table in the coffee shop and recording the meeting as evidence I have done nothing wrong!

OP posts:
GrumpyPanda · 03/12/2023 23:00

Don't do it, she's batshit and nothing good can come of it. If anyone is owed an apology, it's you from her.

HeckyPeck · 03/12/2023 23:01

I would not go. Who the heck does she think she is to meet out then judge if you're good enough. Fuck that.

I really think you have a bigger decision to make and that's if you want to stay in this relationship? Personally, I think you should run for the hills. Not only did this man leave you at the worst possible time, but he's restricting access to your child and constantly putting his ex before you. He is not a good man, nor is he a good partner. I'm certain you'd be far happier away from him.

Thelifeofawife · 03/12/2023 23:09

Don’t do it. She doesn’t get to decide if you spend Christmas Day with your partner at your family home! Your DP has offered to go to her house to see the children. She has no right making any such demands, she shouldn’t even be invited, you are a couple and she is the ex!
You do not need to apologise for having an illness after giving birth. Is she going to apologise to you all for contracting HIV?! Of course not, these aren’t things you apologise for. She’s absolutely ridiculous and power hungry.

If you meet her it will just be for her to goad you into an argument so she can be justified in saying that you shouldn’t be there on Christmas Day.

Just make it clear to your DP that you won’t be party to her silly games therefore you won’t be meeting her and you will be spending Christmas Day at his with your DS as you and he are a couple/family, and if she wishes to join you she’s welcome to, which is very big of you as it’s your first proper Christmas together and an ex shouldn’t be taking the shine off that.
If he doesn’t support you in that, take your DS and visit your family. Under no circumstances allow yourself to be pushed out of your own child’s Christmas.

Original poster
HelpNeeded23 · 03/12/2023 23:13

I don’t not agree with you! I just feel that I need to bide my time.

If he chooses to stop me seeing my child I feel any court would look on him more favourably as it’s only been 18 months since I was discharged from having post partum psychosis. I feel if I can get another 6-12 months being well it will put me in a lot stronger position with court. The more positive evidence I have the better the outcome.

He has made me feel uncomfortable this weekend by saying that we are not ‘serious’ anymore and that we can’t be serious until his ex is happy with the situation and I have finished therapy for my pregnancy related trauma.

I asked him why he felt it was appropriate to sleep next to someone and he regularly intimate with me if he felt like that and he responded that he ‘had needs’ and if I didn’t want to be intimate anymore he would be ‘looking at someone else‘ … I really don’t think this is normal behaviour! He pushes me to the edge and when I snap and shout (never ever in front of our son) he then turns it round on me.

As for his ex, it’s either I meet her or I will have to leave on Christmas Day.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelpNeeded23 · 03/12/2023 23:16

I have been told that my child is not leaving the family home on Christmas Day under any circumstances.

I honestly feel like I’m being treated like a dog. I am less than him and his ex and I have no idea why.

OP posts:
randomstress · 03/12/2023 23:25

This is a very abusive man.

You don't need to stay for months because you had a mental health issue following birth. You received the treatment you needed to for this. It was a health issue and is in the past.

One in four people have a mental illness at some point in their lives.

I would start to set yourself up as the clear main carer, set up Dr, child benefit etc. But don't wait for months because I don't see how your mental health will manage living alongside a man who treats you like this.

SecondUsername4me · 03/12/2023 23:55

You and your son need to stay in your home. He can always come visit his son there at Christmas.

Thelifeofawife · 04/12/2023 00:02

I feel sick reading your update OP. What a truly horrible man he is!
You can’t be serious until his ex approves, yet you have a child together?! Honestly, so as others have suggested and get your ducks in a row, even if you don’t want to leave yet you need to be ready.
No court will agree to him not letting you see your DS, you have medical reports that say you received appropriate treatment and you have been having your DS alone on regular occasions - just make sure you put things in text messages to him that indicate when you’re alone with DS at your house, so that any nonsense he tries to claim down the line can be dismissed.

I think at this point you need to speak to a solicitor, he can’t do this to you. You get 30 minutes free, if need be contact a few so that if you have further questions after speaking to one, you can get another 30 minutes with someone else.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation, but you know what, one day you will be the one with the power to decide what happens and where your son goes and who he sees - I don’t usually agree with that behaviour but he truly deserves a taste of his own medicine

Jas5mum · 04/12/2023 00:14

Wow
How much is he earning to pay her over £2k a month and but all the xmas presents!?
Very bizarre set up imo
She would be lost without him. I'd probably say ok then you keep them but I'm keeping all the presents since I brought them
She needs to grow up and get over herself.

Jas5mum · 04/12/2023 00:18

Make your own plans without him. He's your son too!
Lots of red flags. You're better off out of there. These people dont seem normal or sane. Run whilst you can!!!

caringcarer · 04/12/2023 00:25

Your partner is a controlling mean person. Tell him so he can see his 2 DC on Xmas day you are prepared to spend Xmas with your parents but your DC will be going with you. How dare he try to make you be isolated from your DC on Xmas day whilst demanding he gets to spend all day with all 3 of his DC. He needs to go to court to get access with his first 2 DC and not buy his DC gifts from his ex. That is for her to fund. Stamp your foot down hard and stop letting his ex and this controlling partner tell you what to do. He'd soon be an ex if he treated me that way.

Original poster
HelpNeeded23 · 04/12/2023 00:35

I did suggest keeping the presents for them to have at his home if she kept being difficult but he won’t do that as it’s unfair on the children.

The last time we shared finances he was bringing home around 10k per month - he is very cagey around money now though so I’m not 100% sure.
I just want to say that I do not ‘use’ any of that money, I work for my own money and use that for myself, so it’s not like I need him financially.

I agree with all of the posts, something needs to drastically change and I can’t be treated badly forever over an illness I had 2 years ago.

OP posts:
randomstress · 04/12/2023 00:45

I wanted to add that I was a social worker in the UK and you wouldn't be judged for having postpartum psychosis. It is an understood mental health illness.
Don't be afraid that this will count against you moving forward.
Focus on looking after your dc in the here and now.

jhy · 04/12/2023 07:25

He shouldn't really be inviting her IMO. The children are old enough to be dropped off and left with their dad, like they are throughout the week anyway.
Exes should not be put infront of current partner. He needs to be firm with her and say you are going to be there and that's that.

NorthernAttitude · 04/12/2023 07:42

I'm so sad for you reading this. You're being punished and having your illness used against you when none of it was your fault and it sounds like your illness is in the past. I'm sorry to say this, but the way your partner treats you does not scream love to me - he doesn't love you. I'd get out of this relationship and have custody arrangements agreed in court if necessary. Good luck x