Issues with Co-Parenting and Christmas Plans

[HelpNeeded23]

Hi All

For background; my partner and I had a baby in 2021 so our child is now 2. My partner has two children (10 and 12) from a previous relationship.

Shortly after our child’s birth we broke up so did not spend the first 2 Christmas’ together but we are working through our issues and have recently got back together. I was excited to have our first proper family Christmas.

Since my partner and his ex broke up 5 years ago, she has brought her two children over for Christmas dinner. I was happy for that to happen again this year and for us all to be amicable for the day.

My partner has reached out and told her this and she has said no. The issue is she is refusing to allow my partner, child and his extended family to see his children unless he uninvites me.

I still have my own home but we spend half the week together as a family at my partner’s home as it is bigger and closer to my child’s nursery etc.

I now have no idea what to do as she is point blank refusing for her children to see their Dad’s family if I am there on Christmas Day. My partner has asked if I can leave my child for around 6 hours on Christmas afternoon so she can come round with the children. I really don’t think this is fair.

She also won’t allow him to go there for a few hours instead. It is either I am banned from Christmas completely or he can’t see his children at all.

The worst part is he is a very involved Dad. He has the children at least 3 days a week, pays the majority of his ex’s bills (around 2k per month) as she has health problems and we have spent a lot of time and effort making Christmas lovely for all the children.

I am at a complete loss at what to do. Any ideas?

Thank you x

Wow. What have I just read?

They want you to leave YOUR child for 6 hours on Xmas day to facilitate her wishes.

I’d laugh in their faces OP.

He needs to grit his teeth and go to court. Stop pandering to her. Pay for HIS children and let her sort out the rest. She must be laughing her arse off!

You control your own mind. He doesn’t have to be the only man in the world. Stop letting life and men happen to you and take active control of you life.

why would you want to be with someone who you think would deliberately isolate you from your child anyway?

op doesn’t have custody of her child. The father does. she wouldn’t be leaving him, she’d just be uninvited.

OP, I mean this kindly, but you need to raise your standards. He is not treating you like any decent man would. You deserve better.

I get that it's tough if you don't think a court would award 50/50, though, and I understand you wanting to stay with this man in order to maximise time with your son. But what happens if your "partner" suddenly decides that he has had enough of you for some reason?

Your focus definitely needs to be on building your relationship with your ds and getting into a position where you can provide for him independently if and when the time comes.

You ladies are all right!

I do adore him and I am so scared of what the future holds especially without him but it might be for the best.

In the 4.5 years I’ve known him I have never been a priority. It’s ok when you’re just dating but now things are serious it’s not right.

I have been made out to be the villain by virtue of a chemical reaction after a traumatic birth and at no point has he tried to support me with that.

I deserve to be able to move on with my life as I’m only 26, it’s not fair to keep saying ‘but you were unwell’ for the next 16 years.

I’m confused about the custody? Neither of us have gone to court so don’t we have equal parental rights but my son’s doctor’s etc are registered to his address?

His address was my address when I had my son, it was only when I was broken up with and had to move out that my address was no longer the same as my sons.

I was under the impression that unless you have been to court and one of you was been awarded custody that you both have equal rights?

There is no way I would allow this. I think the only thing you can do in this situation is take your 2 year old child and leave them to it.

She's obviously trying to wield some power as you have been out of the picture for the past couple of years and she doesn't like that you intruding on her territory now you're back together.

Tell him to feck of with his 'steadfast'. He doesn't get to dictate what you do here. Why is he happy to upset you but not her?

He is not going to be a long-term partner to you.

See a solicitor but I don’t see how it means he has more rights. How often did you have him at your home? At what point did yous split up? At the minute you are spending 4 and 6 days with him? But your partner is going to use all he can, so get in there 1st.

Errr this for sure

Plus being pedantic who knows which day Jesus was born on. Have Christmas on whatever day. Spoiler: his children won’t mind another day of family time, lovely food and presents

Hi OP

Being registered at dad's address for doctor's doesn't mean much. You both have parental responsibility. I'd suggest you put in a claim for child benefit at your address as you'd certainly be entitled. Your partner has you believing he holds all the cards, but he doesn't. There's no court order in place. You don't owe him for being ill and him looking after his own child. I was very unwell when pregnant and my husband at the time had to look after me a lot. When we divorced, he tried to use it against me. He seemed to think I owed him financially because he deigned to care for his pregnant wife. It's ridiculous and designed to emotionally manipulate you.

This is good advice OP. I'd see a solicitor in addition. The fact your "partner" won't let you have your child on your own when the half sibs are around raises more red flags - very controlling. Run for the hills but do it carefully and with advice every step of the way.

You and your baby will have a much happier life free from his control, lack of empathy and blame. Believe me it will only get worse. You are young and will look back at this one day and think wtf was i playing at.
His life and fanily are a mess because he has allowed it to be. Not you.

I do agree with this! I was unwell when I had my son but I have made every effort to make things lovely for my son and include his older siblings in everything.

For some reason, I am just not a priority. I have no idea why and I’m not going to ask him but after the responses from here I know I do not matter to him in the way I should.

You have equal parental responsibility and no court orders in place. You can literally pack all yours and your son's things and walk out that door and there is naff all he can do about it. You put in a claim for child benefit and change his address at the GP and nursery. Your ex will be the one needing the court order to see him then. He's being abusive, using your PPP against you. It's just wrong. Court takes ages and in the mean time, your routine will be settled and he will no longer be the primary parent. He is an abusive man. I'm not convinced all the paying for the ex is her controlling him either, sounds like he likes using his wealth as a way of control.

Precisely this! And if he really wanted to stand up to the ex, surely he could just stop funding her lifestyle.

There is absolutely no reason you shouldn't claim child benefit. If he earns too much, it makes complete sense for you to claim as you don't live together. He's essentially depriving you of £90odd a month. And by putting in that child benefit claim, that puts you in a better position as your son's primary carer.

As awful as it sounds I suggested not giving her £1k for the children’s presents and him buying them and doing the presents here instead.

Someone needs to stand up to her but unfortunately no one will. She has now said she needs emergency 8 hour surgery, 6-9 months off work and a kidney transplant! Which I do not think is true at all as it’s come about after him saying I would be there at Christmas.

If she has no money for presents but he wants to help out so the kids have something to open from their mum, I understand. But £1k is obscene!

I've just reread your posts and I find it concerning he dumped you when you were unwell and didn't support you through your illness. Yet now he wants to be your partner again? Your partner should be there for you in bad times as well as good. I fear for you if you ever need support in the future. If it was me, I just couldn't trust he'd be there for me. I'd say it's odds on he'll let you down again. You honestly deserve so much better x

@HelpNeeded23 I am actually so annoyed on your behalf! Telling you to be the bigger person? So he can - what - take your child from you on Christmas Day to keep himself and his ex happy?

I'm so glad you are standing up for yourself. The way you are being treated is despicable.

It isn't your or your child's fault that he and his ex split up. They're not together so they don't get to play happy families - especially not with your child! He needs to stop trying to have his cake and eat it - and take proper responsibility for his family and children.

Hi @HelpNeeded23. You sound lovely! I'm sorry you are going through this and what you went through after your first born. My husbands ex was equally as manipulative as yours, but he always stood his ground with her and set firm boundaries, at one point he didn't see his kids for a while, but did go to court to get contact. A few years later they chose to live with us anyway and they hardly keep contact with their mother now through their own issues with her. I'm not sure I would stick around in your position as it seems he wants to keep her happy and she has a hold over him because of the children. This is very unfair to you. I definitely would not be sending my child there on Christmas, what about your feelings? Do you have family you can spend it with? If so, take your little one or spend it alone with her. I hope your partner starts thinking of you more. Best of luck x

If I'm reading correctly your partner is telling you have to leave your child with him so he can have all three of his kids together because of his exes demands?

Then the answer is you break up with him, he's an absolute arsehole.

Op unless you have signed away your parental rights - any court would allow 50/50. He may currently be the residential parent but a court can change that. Especially since his behaviour seems coercive and abusive at best.

Given he left you when you were hospitalised and you pulled your self out of what is essentially the unluckiest situation a new mum may find herself in and got better ON YOUR OWN will not make him sympathetic to the judge. That and the fact your financial situations are not even at all.

If he hasn't applied for child benefit and you do leave him you can ask the court decide who of you gets it and along with set contact time that isn't based on his feeling on what he had to do when you were poorly or his nutty exs wishes. Finance wise - can you get help with legal costs if your income is low ? Most lawyers give a free 30min session so seeing one would at least give you your options. He will not want you to go to court because he loose that power over you so will do everything in his power to stop you.

He's chaining you into a corner so you have to accept it or you might lose access to your son. And he doesn't get to choose that, a court does. People using kids as weapons men or women are vile imo.

You're so young and you didn't do anything wrong by being poorly. You do not need to spend the next 18 years apologising for being sick. To him or his nasty ex. Frankly I don't think a lot of her,

But his actions are fucking disgusting. I know you love him op but honestly life is too short to be tethered to this man who has the empathy and spine of a jellyfish.

You're still young, your life is just beginning. Don't give it away to this turd 💩

Ps well done on getting better. Pls don't be ashamed. Anyone who makes you feel shit about what happened isn't worth your time.

Also never have I ever read anything so fucking diabolical done to someone.

He's not your boss because he looked after his own child while you were poorly. You don't need to ask him to have your own child on Christmas.

He's created this situation with his ex, and yes he's right it will ruin Christmas but that's his and his exs choice. The baby isn't a prop and you aren't a handmaid. Your baby also belongs to you. Take him to your families on Christmas Day and let this dickhead bicker with the other dickhead and block him.

Op im so fucking sorry. But I don't know you but I know in my fucking bones. This guy isn't the one. Because you don't do what he did to you to someone you love.

My partner has asked if I can leave my child for around 6 hours on Christmas afternoon so she can come round with the children

I wouldn't be scrimping on time with my own child to pander to the ridiculous demands of my part time boyfriend and his ex wife.

Fuck that.

You and your son go spend Christmas somewhere else, family or friends, and your boyfriend can make a plan to come visit his child at a time when he has stopped pussy footing around her.

The problem is my partner is steadfast on his 3 children being together at Christmas, he’s said if they’re not it ruins it completely and will break his older twos hearts

he needs to have thought better of creating a third child then, when he was still so ridiculously entrenched in this weird relationship with his ex. They don't need to be so enmeshed. It's not something any new partner should have to put up with.

His wish for him to be with all of his children on Christmas day does not trump your wish to be with your children on Christmas day.