Issues with Co-Parenting and Christmas Plans

[HelpNeeded23]

Hi All

For background; my partner and I had a baby in 2021 so our child is now 2. My partner has two children (10 and 12) from a previous relationship.

Shortly after our child’s birth we broke up so did not spend the first 2 Christmas’ together but we are working through our issues and have recently got back together. I was excited to have our first proper family Christmas.

Since my partner and his ex broke up 5 years ago, she has brought her two children over for Christmas dinner. I was happy for that to happen again this year and for us all to be amicable for the day.

My partner has reached out and told her this and she has said no. The issue is she is refusing to allow my partner, child and his extended family to see his children unless he uninvites me.

I still have my own home but we spend half the week together as a family at my partner’s home as it is bigger and closer to my child’s nursery etc.

I now have no idea what to do as she is point blank refusing for her children to see their Dad’s family if I am there on Christmas Day. My partner has asked if I can leave my child for around 6 hours on Christmas afternoon so she can come round with the children. I really don’t think this is fair.

She also won’t allow him to go there for a few hours instead. It is either I am banned from Christmas completely or he can’t see his children at all.

The worst part is he is a very involved Dad. He has the children at least 3 days a week, pays the majority of his ex’s bills (around 2k per month) as she has health problems and we have spent a lot of time and effort making Christmas lovely for all the children.

I am at a complete loss at what to do. Any ideas?

Thank you x

Can I ask why you split up for nearly 2 years? At whose instigation was the split, and who looked after your baby during that time? What made you get back together again?
I was a bit shocked to read that he thinks you owe him because you were ill, and that his relationship with his older children suffered because he was looking after a newborn; lots of us manage to have 3 DC and maintain a good relationship with the older ones, I don't get why he would be "not there" for them.

My child ‘officially’ lives with his Dad. Doctor’s, dentist, nursery registered to his address etc because I was in hospital and too unwell to sort things like that out.

Due to this, I do feel like I have to do what he says to a certain extent as I am scared he will do what his ex does and say I can’t see my son.

Yes technically he could stop his older children’s mum seeing them and move them into his home full time but a bit like my son, his older children officially live with her as doctors, school etc is registered under her address.

She controls him and then the control is pretty much passed on to me and I bear the brunt of everyone’s bad moods.

It is very difficult as his whole family isn’t particularly sympathetic to me being unwell after birth, they pretty much left me for dead and if it wasn’t for my own family realising something was very wrong I wouldn’t be here.

Who does your son actually live with? Or do you live together? Who has he lived with since you got well before you got together? If it’s you, why can’t you get all of that moved over to your address? Who claims child benefit? If it’s him, then you need to do what he should be doing with his ex, get it sorted out officially so he can’t hold anything over your head.

You don't owe anyone anything because you were ill following the birth of your child, what a ridiculous idea.
Your DP's ex obviously knows nothing about your illness but again that isn't your responsibility to address, although it looks like you have actually tried to do so.
Do not allow yourself to be pushed out of your home or taken away from your child because of other people's ignorance and prejudice.

I would look to get your address down as your dc's if you are now his main carer.

He broke up with me when I was hospitalised in 2021 and he looked after my son for several months.

When I came out of hospital I hadn’t seen my son for 3/4 months (no mother and baby mental health unit) so it’s been a slow transition over nearly 2 years.

We made the decision to get back together a few months ago and have been spending most of our time when he doesn’t have his other children together as a family. His time with our son has always coincided with his time with his older children, so my son is either with mummy and daddy together or daddy and his brother and sister. Before this, I would have my son just him and I but when we got back together this made the most sense. Sorry, I hope I’ve explained this ok!

If you are the NRP, that does make things a bit different. Effectively if your ex won’t allow you to see your son on Christmas Day then it’s you who needs to get a court order regulating this going forward.

He officially lived with his Dad and has done since birth.

When I got better, I started to have my son on my own several times a week.

When we got back together 4-5 months ago, the times I would have my son on my own then became family time as he won’t allow my son to be away with me when he has his two older children.

It works out as:

Week A
Mon - mum and dad
Tues - mum and dad
Wedd - mum and dad
Thurs - dad and siblings
Fri - just mum
Sat - mum and dad
Sun - mum and dad

Week B
Mon - dad and siblings
Tues - mum and dad
Wedd - mum and dad
Thurs - mum and dad
Fri - just mum
Sat - dad and siblings
Sun - dad and siblings

I’m not officially a NRP but the way it fell, due to me being unwell, everything was registered in his Dad’s name and address as I physically wasn’t there to do it.

It’s just hard as I feel if my partner had supported me through my illness things would be very different, instead of leaving me at my lowest. It’s made the present very difficult as even though I’m super involved and adore my child I feel like an outsider.

I’m not on a rental agreement for his home but I clean, wash, iron, garden just to make it as nice as possible for the children.

I wonder whether your partner's ex is just trying to protect her two kids from inevitable drama? He broke up with his wife five years ago. In the subsequent three years he got together with you, had a baby with you, broke up with you. In the following couple of years you developed psychosis, were hospitalised for that, and have got back together with him. It's been a tumultuous few years to say the least!

There's also an awful lot of extreme emotional blackmail being thrown around by all of you.
The ex won't let your partner see the children unless you are not in the house.
Your partner says Christmas is ruined and the older children's hearts will be broken unless they spend the day with their sibling.
You've only just got back together but you've already said you will leave the relationship unless he does what you want instead of his ex.

You all need to back down. Since the children in question are 10 and 12 perhaps someone should ask them what they want to do - put their needs first.

You had your son on your own before you got back together, I would start making that happen again. You need to stop letting him dictate all the terms. Who claims child benefit for your child? Try to get that in your name and also encourage dad to spend time with just the older ones alone. When you are both together is either of you the primary care giver? Do you both work? Who looks after your child then?

There has been a lot of drama but his ex has caused a fair share of it. I don’t want to go into it on here but she’s had more boyfriend’s than I can count and sadly contracted a serious disease off one of them which has massively impacted her physical health.

If she was genuinely concerned she would speak to me or my partner about it instead of just shouting demands.

The difficulty is no one going to back down so it will inevitably end in tears. I have come up with 100 ideas but everyone is so set in their ways that no one will budge.

He goes to nursery 3 days a week and has since he was 3 months old (as he did needed to work and I was in hospital) that has never changed.

We both work and I have him on my own on a Friday. When we’re together it is split 50/50, although I tend to do the ‘chores’ whilst his Dad has the fun with him.

His dad doesn’t claim child benefit as he would have to pay it back at the end of the year. It is something I need to look into claiming as I would be eligible in terms of earnings but sorry as he’s registered to Dad’s address and there is no way he would change that.

I think my partner secretly enjoys the control he has over our son, as he is controlled by his ex so it makes him feel a bit better.

Considering you’ve been broken for nearly 2 years up you have no idea what’s give in in that time.

what he’s told her about you, what’s gone on between them. If things were normal the first time around clearly something has changed.

asK your partner to be truthful or ask her if you really don’t mind a drama.

how much CMA he pays is irrelevant

I’m 26 with a normal life and if I go against him I will be up against a man with a very successful company/lots of money etc. It’s very difficult.

I think he will always control everything unless you go to court for proper access. I appreciate that that must be a scary prospect, but I can't see any alternative.

It doesn't seem as if there is much of a future in your relationship anyway. It will always be on his terms and he clearly doesn't respect you.

I would dump him and fight for your parental rights in court. Of course, there is always a risk that a court could decide in his favour, but what's the alternative? That you have to accept whatever scraps he chooses to throw at you?

His ex has always been difficult. When she found out I was pregnant, she told him he has ruined her children’s life with this baby.

She sad that she wanted baby steps when I was introduced to her children which I understandably respected. Yet she has had several men at her home with the children behind my partner’s back.

I have always tried with her and I had a great relationship with the children, I do feel like she has said things to them behind closed doors as our relationship dynamic has changed.

if I were you I’d step back from this relationship and focus on being with your child and building up to shared custody.

This! It seems like there's a lot going on here.
You need to separate the ex from the DP. Do you love him? Do you want to be with him? Is he a good DP?
If yes, then work together to sort the ex. If no, then focus on getting your life back on track alone

That’s the problem. I think as my son is extremely settled in his current routine and his father has ample money to pay for the best of everything, I doubt a court would agree to 50/50.

If I stay with him I may get treated like an option but I get to have my son 5/7 days whereas I am pretty sure court would say 2 nights a week as he is settled at the moment.

I've a bad feeling he is trying to isolate you from your child's life, are you sure nothing happened between him and his ex in the time you had split up. He may still want his ex and all 3 of his children.

This is so much worse than imagined.

you really need to think long and hard about the lifetime prospects for this relationship. Do you honestly believe this is a relationship of EQUALS that can last forever?

If the answer is yes, then focus on minimizing drama and building a happy life.

if the answer is no, then you need to be putting all of your energy into making your own life independent of this man as stable as possible. You need to have a good job. your house needs to be cleaned, not his. You need to keep up a good routine with any follow up mental health care that is recommended. Then when you feel ready, you need to go to court and establish a shared custody plan so he can’t hold access to your child as a weapon. He will still likely be the primary residential parent and there is nothing wrong with that, but you should have guaranteed parenting time.

It is hard but I adore him. There is no one else I would rather be with. In the two years we were apart I didn’t look at another man in a romantic way. He is THE only man I can see myself marrying etc.

He can’t claim it but he won’t let you claim it? He is definitely being controlling. What was the arrangement before you got back together? I think you need to separate tbh and take your son back to your home. Or see a solicitor about getting residency or 50/50. He keep saying he says, and he insists and he won’t allow. Are you going to live like this for the next 16years?
You are controlled by him and he is controlled by his ex. Is this really the life you want?
You were ill, you got ill giving birth to your child, his child. He should not be holding this against you. You are well now? So step up and become the mother to your son you want to be, including making decisions for him as a mother does. Stop letting this man call all the shots.

I know nothing has happened as his ex contracted HIV from a recent boyfriend. He wouldn’t sleep with her etc as he would not want to put himself at risk of that.