Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Issues with Co-Parenting and Christmas Plans

133 replies

HelpNeeded23 · 30/11/2023 08:58

Hi All

For background; my partner and I had a baby in 2021 so our child is now 2. My partner has two children (10 and 12) from a previous relationship.

Shortly after our child’s birth we broke up so did not spend the first 2 Christmas’ together but we are working through our issues and have recently got back together. I was excited to have our first proper family Christmas.

Since my partner and his ex broke up 5 years ago, she has brought her two children over for Christmas dinner. I was happy for that to happen again this year and for us all to be amicable for the day.

My partner has reached out and told her this and she has said no. The issue is she is refusing to allow my partner, child and his extended family to see his children unless he uninvites me.

I still have my own home but we spend half the week together as a family at my partner’s home as it is bigger and closer to my child’s nursery etc.

I now have no idea what to do as she is point blank refusing for her children to see their Dad’s family if I am there on Christmas Day. My partner has asked if I can leave my child for around 6 hours on Christmas afternoon so she can come round with the children. I really don’t think this is fair.

She also won’t allow him to go there for a few hours instead. It is either I am banned from Christmas completely or he can’t see his children at all.

The worst part is he is a very involved Dad. He has the children at least 3 days a week, pays the majority of his ex’s bills (around 2k per month) as she has health problems and we have spent a lot of time and effort making Christmas lovely for all the children.

I am at a complete loss at what to do. Any ideas?

Thank you x

OP posts:
PurpleBugz · 30/11/2023 10:13

He gets a court order where they alternate Christmas. Or you accept he will always put ex and older kids first. Or you split up.

My ex used to spent Christmas Day with his ex. I let it happen to start but when we got serious and talking having our own kid It bothered me. I told him. They switched to alternate years. Everyone's happy.

Original poster
HelpNeeded23 · 30/11/2023 10:18

Thank you for your message! I have basically given him the ultimatum and if I’m not considered as an equal to his ex I will be leaving the relationship for good.

It has been a really difficult 2 years for me so I was really looking forward to a proper family Christmas.

OP posts:
blackbeardsballsack · 30/11/2023 10:22

What would he do if you started imposing equally ridiculous rules upon his time with your shared child? What if you were to say that he wasn't allowed to see his youngest if his ex was there at Christmas? Obviously I'm not suggesting you do that, but he's relying on you to be the reasonable co parent whilst she's just out there dictating.

CornishGem1975 · 30/11/2023 10:24

You DO NOT leave your child. If he wants to see his other children and she's being an awkward cow, he could always go to see them at her house for an hour or two surely? You do not need to be excluded, he does not have to not see his kids - there is a compromise.

But also agree, get a court order and contact agreement put in place for future (but bear in mind at 10 and 12 it won't be long before the courts would just consider what the children want to do themselves).

Alternating Christmas works much better. I do this with my own DC.

Wishitsnows · 30/11/2023 10:24

If your partner does go with your child on Xmas then you need to ensure that your child is with you next Xmas so you both have the opportunity.

itsgoingtobeabumpyride · 30/11/2023 10:28

HelpNeeded23 · 30/11/2023 10:18

Thank you for your message! I have basically given him the ultimatum and if I’m not considered as an equal to his ex I will be leaving the relationship for good.

It has been a really difficult 2 years for me so I was really looking forward to a proper family Christmas.

Good for you for standing up for yourself.
I can't believe he expected you to be parted from your own dc on Christmas day to appease his ex (using his DC as his excuse, they'd be heartbroken my arse, what about your heartbreak), spinless arsehole.
Stick to your guns op.
Remember that you have a voice and you have choices.
You don't have to engage in any of the bullshit the ex spouts.
Also remember that people can only hurt you if you let them.
Leave the lot of them to it, concentrate on yourself and your little one.
Chin up, tits out, youre worth more than this ❤️

Original poster
HelpNeeded23 · 30/11/2023 10:35

Thank you so much! ❤️ it has really given me a kick up the bum to do what I believe in instead of being bullied around.

In response to a PP I think the children would rather be here. My partner has a beautiful home and the children have their own room, big garden etc. At their mum’s they share a room and she does not clean/keep their home as tidy as it should be, without trying to sound rude!

He keeps telling me to ‘be the bigger person and let it go’ but sometimes you can’t be and with it being the first Christmas my toddler understands I am putting my foot down.

OP posts:
Buddhabobby · 30/11/2023 10:51

From what you've said then, I don't think he's really your partner as he doesn't prioritise your relationship or that it will work long term.

Candidly, I think he doesn't believe it will work out either tbh. All his actions seem to be future proofing his own position.

Newestname002 · 30/11/2023 10:55

@HelpNeeded23

He keeps telling me to ‘be the bigger person and let it go’ but sometimes you can’t be and with it being the first Christmas my toddler understands I am putting my foot down.

This type of comment is often offered by people who have a weak spine themselves and/or have no compunction in manipulating you for their own advantage. This man has shown you your value to him (the one who he thinks he can control, and who will give him no trouble because they are decent human beings).

Move out again, take your child to your birth family for Christmas and get on with your life without him using you as a chess piece. 🌹

LadyBird1973 · 30/11/2023 11:27

When a man says 'be the bigger person', it's my experience that what they really mean is 'be a doormat so we can walk all over you'! How about he becomes a bigger person and grows a set of balls, so he can stop allowing his ex to bully him and him in turn bully you!

Crababbles · 30/11/2023 11:36

This is the most insane post I’ve read in a while, OP! Of course you’re not going to leave your toddler to play happy families with your partner’s ex. And if he’d rather be with his ex than you on Christmas Day, that says it all.

Hamburgler666 · 30/11/2023 12:52

What the fuck have I just read? So he is proposing that you spend the day in exile so that he can have all 3 kids at his house?

Nice. What a delightful man he sounds.

Presumably he would be fine and dandy being left on his own then? No? Thought not.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 30/11/2023 13:03

HelpNeeded23 · 30/11/2023 09:21

I could spend it with my parents. The problem is my partner is steadfast on his 3 children being together at Christmas, he’s said if they’re not it ruins it completely and will break his older twos hearts.

Your partner is the problem here. He doesn't get to dictate that you should leave your dc on Christmas Day so that he can play happy families without you.

If his ex can lay down terms regarding him seeing her dc, then so can you. You are spending Christmas Day with your dc. You would love for him - and his kids if they wish - to join you, but that is for them to decide.

excelledyourself · 30/11/2023 13:51

but we are working through our issues and have recently got back together.

I'd end this relationship. I bet you are the only one doing the 'working through'.

Sorry he's putting you in this position, especially after all you've been through when you had your baby, and now he wants you to sacrifice your Christmas with your toddler?

He sees you as the weakest link, when that's actually him. Show him how wrong he is and walk away. This won't get better.

Quickquestion10 · 30/11/2023 14:05

I can't believe the audacity of him. You do not need to be in a relationship with this person.

Namerequired · 30/11/2023 14:16

HelpNeeded23 · 30/11/2023 10:02

Thank you all for your responses, I think I agree with them!

I am 26, my partner is nearly 42 and his ex is around the same age as him so I feel I am treated like a second class citizen by virtue of my age.

You are all right, he does go to his ex to ask what she wants to do or when she wants the children before he comes to me.

He is so scared of her taking the children that he does everything and anything she wants.

I know if she had a new partner this would stop but I don’t think that will happen any time soon due to her health problems.

Don’t rely on her getting a new partner, that’s irrelevant, it might change her but he will be the same. Which is someone that doesn’t respect you as an equal. She is only an issue because he allows her to be. She is not your issue, he is.
Im not a big fan of age gap relationships tbh, especially when one is young like you are, I think it makes you vulnerable. But if he thinks you are old/mature enough to have a relationship and child with, then he needs to respect you as his partner, not treat you as less than and patronise you.
Im really glad you are standing up for yourself, and also for your child. Don’t let him kid you into thinking his behaviour is normal and ok, it’s not. And his be the bigger person bs is just patronising. Stand your ground- or better still, run.

Original poster
HelpNeeded23 · 30/11/2023 14:19

I find it difficult as due to me being so unwell when I had my son, my partner/his dad stepped up and cared for him 24/7 for several months whilst I was in hospital. This meant that his relationship with his other children affected in the sense he was not there for them 24/7 as he had a new born.

This means whenever I bring up things I am unhappy with (like Christmas) I am told that it was difficult for him, his ex and their children and that I am owe them for what they did when I was poorly.

I understand that and for the past two years I haven’t been pushy around holidays but now it is time for me to be involved fully. Just because I was poorly, it shouldn’t mean I’m second option every year until my son is 18, right?!

OP posts:
Keepinmovin · 30/11/2023 14:20

I'd suggest he gets official here. He looks after the kids a lot and they will want a relationship with him. Absolutely no court in the land would side with the ex here as there's no evidence of you causing harm and she can't make demands about what happens on his time.
Get a solicitor to write a letter threatening a court order if she doesn't act reasonably. Because this isn't a Xmas issue, she's saying you are a danger to the kids and this can't be left unchecked. Even if you solve for Xmas day.

Original poster
HelpNeeded23 · 30/11/2023 14:24

I have been fighting the issue of the saying I am a potential risk due to me having Post Partum Psychosis for a long time.

I even had a report written by my consultant to say I was not a risk to children and the only risk I posed was to myself when I was incredibly poorly. This is not enough for her!

She actually has a very stigmatised illness herself but she has no sympathy for someone who’s been unwell after the birth of a child.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 30/11/2023 14:24

No. You and your baby come first.

He either goes to court and gets an access order, or you go to your parents on Xmas day. Who the f* do they think they are, telling you to leave your child for Xmas day.

I'd hang on to your house, I think you're going to need it.

Original poster
HelpNeeded23 · 30/11/2023 14:26

I have no plans whatsoever to move out! If it does work out I will be staying here for at least a year and until he has a court order in place and his children are both in high school so they have more autonomy over who they spend time with.

OP posts:
Namerequired · 30/11/2023 14:26

HelpNeeded23 · 30/11/2023 14:19

I find it difficult as due to me being so unwell when I had my son, my partner/his dad stepped up and cared for him 24/7 for several months whilst I was in hospital. This meant that his relationship with his other children affected in the sense he was not there for them 24/7 as he had a new born.

This means whenever I bring up things I am unhappy with (like Christmas) I am told that it was difficult for him, his ex and their children and that I am owe them for what they did when I was poorly.

I understand that and for the past two years I haven’t been pushy around holidays but now it is time for me to be involved fully. Just because I was poorly, it shouldn’t mean I’m second option every year until my son is 18, right?!

What am I reading?? You owe him, his ex and his kids because it was difficult for them when you were ill? Nooo, just no!! You were the one having a difficult time, not them!
My children had to share me each time they had a sibling. Yes it’s more difficult with just one parent, but there’s plenty of single parents out there with multiple children. Both he and his ex only have the others part time each anyway. And I’m sure you have had your child on your own plenty these last 2 years? I’m sorry op but this guy is awful if he has made you feel this way, never mind if he’s actually said this.

GrumpyPanda · 30/11/2023 14:26

I have basically given him the ultimatum and if I’m not considered as an equal to his ex I will be leaving the relationship for good.

You shouldn't be "an equal to his ex," you should be his priority. The clue is in the word "ex." Except you aren't, so I guess that says all about your relationship.

In an aside, if they're essentially 50:50 on the kids I don't get him behaving like the rabbit to her snake. Wouldn't he be equally well positioned to withhold access from her as vice versa? Especially if she's facing disruptive treatments.

Ponderingwindow · 30/11/2023 14:27

Sometimes EXs manage to spend things like Christmas together post-breakup. It does tend to fall apart when one of them enters a serious relationship. even if his ex thought you were great, the odds of this big happy blended family Christmas working would be slim.

you are giving your boyfriend far too much power in this relationship. It’s not surprising. He is much older and has more money. He should know better, but it’s more likely that he picked a less-resourced younger woman on so that he could control the relationship.

wingingit1987 · 30/11/2023 14:30

First of all, for someone with a background in psychology, she sounds incredibly ignorant regarding postnatal psychosis.

I wouldn’t be giving up part of your day with your wee one just because your partners ex is acting up. Either he puts his foot down with her, or you take your child to your own family’s Christmas dinner for the day. Your partner is consciously siding with his ex and making things more difficult for you, so I wouldn’t bow down to it.