Their toys are not my responsibility- aibu?

[blanketsmell]

Hello, there's been some "mild" drama and I'm looking to see what you, as fellow steparents think.

So I have two stepchildren who are both at secondary school and I have one child with my partner who is at nursery.

The stepchildren have, encouraged by their mother, bought lots of their old toys to stay here rather than charity shop them or bin if unplayable with. As a result their bedroom is now filled with lots of exciting toys aimed at a younger child.

I told them once little one started walking that they would have to shut their door if they don't want little one coming in. And then as little one grew and can now open doors dad gave them warning to make sure anything precious to them was out of sight.

Anyway.. quite predictably little one has got in while they were at their mums an has now broke a toy one of the dsc were particularly fond of. DH is now saying I should have stopped little one going in the room.

AIBU to say sorry but they were warned?

Actually there could be many things in an older child’s room that aren’t suitable and unsafe for a 3 year old. It is there space as long as it is tidy it is room. They shut the door.

yes they need to apologise they need to grasp going into someone else’s room and playing with things isn’t on. And you need to apologise as well it is their room and house as long as they shut the door they shouldn’t have to do anything else

Accidents happen but yes you should have stopped your child going in there and you should replace the toy. If DSC had left it downstairs then fair enough but it was in their room. That is their space and they shouldn't have to hide their things. Keep your kid out and start teaching them to respect others spaces. I feel sorry for your DSC, you do not come off well in this post 🤷‍♀️

Could you fit external bolts to the rooms, high enough for the small child not to reach?

Op, when does your dc start school? If it’s next September, then you really ought to hurry up and teach them that sometimes there are doors and cupboards that shouldn’t be opened, areas that they shouldn’t go and other people’s property that they shouldn’t touch.

Get some simple hook and loop latches and attach high up on the door frames.
this is no way the older children’s fault, at all. And they might have sentimental toys at their dads to try and create a sense of home.
my DS still has his playmobil pirate ship on a shelf in his room and he is 19.

YABU, and you have updated about putting hook for the door to be kept closed. I do hope there was an apology from you and the toddler - given you the sentimental value and it being irreplaceable. It is the SC home too they should be able to leave toys in their room with an expectation of them being safe - that is fairly typical in family homes!

But it is much more worrying that the 3 year old had free reign - you need to find a way to chorale them when you need the loo or bring them with you.

I used a dog gate (similar to a baby gate but double height)) - if they got the toy they could get out a window/ingest something/ curtain/blinds cords etc - you need one place absolutely bomb proof - at that age they can still unpredictable about putting something in their mouth/nose/ear!

A three year old should know that there are rooms that they are not allowed in, doors that they should not open etc.

If they don't, then the consequences could be much worse than a broken toy. Eg if they went into the cupboard with the cleaning products.

And if they don't know not to go into rooms and open doors, then you need to make sure he's never out of eyesight.

You need to continually remind and reinforce that he's not allowed in their bedroom, ever, and enforce it

And this isn't a step child issue.

This is a multiple child issue

By your own admission, the broken toy was irreplaceable.

How mean of you to be on here asking for others to agree you shouldn't have to give a monkeys, instead of feeling terrible that this happened under your watch?

And people wonder why step-mothers get a bad rap.

Again that is a short term fix.

There is nothing stopping the child finding a chair or other item, standing on it and opening the bolt when the OP is in another room/downstairs.

Fit a lock!

This is a good response OP. You have had it in the neck a bit, but you did come across as completely dismissive. You weren’t responsible, but you are accountable for what your DC does.

An apology from both you and them is probably enough. They might put their things out of reach next time but being teenagers, probably won’t!

And you need to genuinely apologise for allowing this to happen.

You were responsible for looking after the child and allowed this to happen.

It's an accident but you absolutely need to apologise.

And thr child needs to apologise too. Draw a picture etc to say sorry

Would a small child really go to the lengths of lugging chairs about?

Oh I assumed they were way younger the way you spoke about them. 3 year olds aren’t really toddlers

if your 3 year old doesn’t understand that they aren’t allowed in siblings rooms then you need to figure out a way to supervise them better.

siblings stuff in their bedrooms with closed doors should be safe while they are with their mum. If you are responsible for 3 year old then you are responsible for making sure 3 year old doesn’t break their stuff.

so yeah you are responsible for their toys and yabu.

Absolutely I had to be taught not to go through my siblings things as a child.

My nephews and nieces with far fewer siblings so they were the same age had to be taught not to go through adults things.

Putting bolts, hooks, locks and barriers doesn't work in the long term as they will work out how to open them. Hell my own DD actually isn't interested in cupboards or rooms if she is allowed to see what's in them.

YABU. I would agree if they left them strewn acriss the living room floor but they were in their bedroom. People should not have to hide/not have nice things to avoid your toddler wrecking them. You should be supervising your toddler better and teaching them respect for people's things.

What..using the loo is a pathetic excuse?

Well I'm not so there.

At 3 they should have some independence- I certainly wasn’t always in the same room as mine at that age. The reality is they are inquisitive and like stuff they’re not supposed to have. The OP has said she locks away chemicals etc.

The child does need to know and learn that the older one’s rooms are out of bounds. That is not easy for a 3yo so I also think it’s unfair some posters are trying to suggest her 3yo is some sort of delinquent for not getting that fully. My younger one loved trying to go into the eldest’s room. I’m fairly sure she broke up her Lego a few times but we found ways to manage it. The OP’s 3yo will have just seen toys and wanted to play with them without realising they didn’t have the skills to play with something delicate. I think you do have a responsibility to try and protect the room a bit with a lock or bolt but there does have to be a bit of effort from the older ones to protect their stuff if it’s attractive to the little one.

I am trying to teach them!

Thank you this was how I viewed it but I think I have been wrong to see it this way.

You/their dad needs to put up gates or locks on the doors.

Next time, they could leave something small around that hour child could choke on. This isn't about who is at fault, it's how to guarantee it doesn't happen again. I think it's too much to expect children to put away absolutely everything in their bedrooms.