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Original poster

Their toys are not my responsibility- aibu?

487 replies

blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 09:06

Hello, there's been some "mild" drama and I'm looking to see what you, as fellow steparents think.

So I have two stepchildren who are both at secondary school and I have one child with my partner who is at nursery.

The stepchildren have, encouraged by their mother, bought lots of their old toys to stay here rather than charity shop them or bin if unplayable with. As a result their bedroom is now filled with lots of exciting toys aimed at a younger child.

I told them once little one started walking that they would have to shut their door if they don't want little one coming in. And then as little one grew and can now open doors dad gave them warning to make sure anything precious to them was out of sight.

Anyway.. quite predictably little one has got in while they were at their mums an has now broke a toy one of the dsc were particularly fond of. DH is now saying I should have stopped little one going in the room.

AIBU to say sorry but they were warned?

OP posts:
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Hibiscrubbed · 13/10/2023 19:05

I’m struggling with thinking of a three year old as a ‘toddler’. My three year old plays upstairs on his own in his playroom, comes down the stairs by himself, uses the loo on his own, can hold conversations, is a functioning little person with ideas and imagination, who can articulate themselves. None of which is exceptional. He wouldn’t let himself into a room and break something if I told him not to.

I was imagining the OP’s kid as a reeling little 18 month old with a nappy on.

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 13/10/2023 19:18

aSofaNearYou · 13/10/2023 18:19

Since according to mumsnet asking older children to keep stuff out of their younger siblings reach is a violation of their human rights.

I think a lot of people on MN are overly preoccupied with younger siblings being a massive imposition on older siblings. I am a younger sibling so don't have much time for the mentality personally!

Both DD1 and DSS (especially DSS) are constantly fiddling with DD2s baby toys. I'm not going to act like their toys are somehow too precious to be touched in return, it's a double standard. Younger siblings have to put up with older siblings in a lot of ways too, I'm tired of people acting like the older sibling is somehow a victim of having to put up with a younger sibling, and must not be inconvenienced by them in any way.

Because for many SK the new children ARE an imposition and it's the responsibility of the adults in the situation to mitigate that feeling to support good sibling relationships

CheekyHobson · 13/10/2023 19:21

saraclara · 13/10/2023 18:03

Probably because those in your house knew to keep items of great sentimental value out of reach of your toddlers.

Does no-one baby-proof their home these days? OP certainly advised her step children to. The SC kindly let the toddler play with the toy when they were present, but of course that meant he knew it was there and was keen to play with it again.

OP sensibly advised that the SC put it somewhere out if the way, but they didn't.
Kids will be kids and three year olds will be three year olds. And if these two were siblings there'd be no more to this situation than that.

But because one is a step child, OP must want to make then unwelcome and possibly let this happen deliberately.
So many ridiculously biased posts on here.

Edited
Show quote history

We kept them in bedrooms and home offices that the toddlers couldn’t reach because that part of the house was blocked off by baby gates. But my kids were also very good at listening to instructions and knew what they weren’t allowed to play with, and didn’t tend to touch those items when they were in rooms with them (supervised).

If the OP’s kid is capable of opening doors, they are probably capable of reaching items on the tops of desks and dressers, and of dragging a chair to climb up to something on a higher shelf. If this particular kid is fascinated enough by these toys to head immediately for them when he’s not under direct supervision, the OP seems pretty blasé in admitting she knew the toddler
had gone straight to the SKs room while she was in the toilet but shrugged it off with “oh well, too bad, it’s the SKs fault if my child breaks something of theirs”.

uneffingbelievable · 13/10/2023 19:21

Why do the SDCs have to take things from their home to their other home because the parents of the sibling can not control them or put safety mechanism s in place for them.

aSofaNearYou · 13/10/2023 19:25

uneffingbelievable · 13/10/2023 19:21

Why do the SDCs have to take things from their home to their other home because the parents of the sibling can not control them or put safety mechanism s in place for them.

They don't really, they just have to accept that if they choose to have them in the house with the toddler, the chances of them getting broken are higher.

Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 19:26

uneffingbelievable · 13/10/2023 19:21

Why do the SDCs have to take things from their home to their other home because the parents of the sibling can not control them or put safety mechanism s in place for them.

If you want to play that game why should the DSC have to bring their toys they can't bring themselves to get rid of to this house at their mum's bequest?

OP posts:
YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/10/2023 19:27

How old are the step kids @blanketsmell ?

spidermonkeys · 13/10/2023 19:27

This isn't really anything to do with them being SC. I have a toddler and older children. It's my responsibility to ensure toddler doesn't break any of the older Childrens toys. Put a stair gate on older kids rooms

Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 19:27

aSofaNearYou · 13/10/2023 19:25

They don't really, they just have to accept that if they choose to have them in the house with the toddler, the chances of them getting broken are higher.

Show quote history

Exactly! They are most welcome to keep them here. I have precious ornaments and hand me downs that I've put in a locked box in my cupboard because that is a precaution against LO finding them and playing with them.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 13/10/2023 19:27

Because for many SK the new children ARE an imposition and it's the responsibility of the adults in the situation to mitigate that feeling to support good sibling relationships

Well I wasn't just talking about SC, though yes people do display that mentality even more when it comes to SC.

But no I don't really agree, I treat them like normal siblings.

Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 19:28

YetMoreNewBeginnings · 13/10/2023 19:27

How old are the step kids @blanketsmell ?

Both secondary school eldest doing gcses

OP posts:
Serrina · 13/10/2023 19:28

aSofaNearYou · 13/10/2023 18:19

Since according to mumsnet asking older children to keep stuff out of their younger siblings reach is a violation of their human rights.

I think a lot of people on MN are overly preoccupied with younger siblings being a massive imposition on older siblings. I am a younger sibling so don't have much time for the mentality personally!

Both DD1 and DSS (especially DSS) are constantly fiddling with DD2s baby toys. I'm not going to act like their toys are somehow too precious to be touched in return, it's a double standard. Younger siblings have to put up with older siblings in a lot of ways too, I'm tired of people acting like the older sibling is somehow a victim of having to put up with a younger sibling, and must not be inconvenienced by them in any way.

I'm a younger sibling myself so I can agree that younger siblings do have to put up with things too. But that isn't the issue here, the issue is OP's blasé attitude towards the whole thing. First of all she sounds put upon by the step children bringing their old toys to her house. Then in regards to this incident, her attitude is "oh well, their fault" "I don't need to apologise" "little one doesn't need to draw a picture they can say it verbally" without realising that 3 year olds often need visual aids such as pictures to understand. It's no good just telling a 3 year old to say "sorry" because they won't understand what they're saying sorry for. Then when people pointed out what was wrong here, she comes back with "oh well I'm a first time mum I don't know what I'm doing".
She actually sounds very childish herself, making excuses for everything.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 13/10/2023 19:32

blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 09:12

I was on the loo at the time

You were on the loo the whole time since they'd been away and forgotten to close the door?

Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 19:37

Serrina · 13/10/2023 19:28

I'm a younger sibling myself so I can agree that younger siblings do have to put up with things too. But that isn't the issue here, the issue is OP's blasé attitude towards the whole thing. First of all she sounds put upon by the step children bringing their old toys to her house. Then in regards to this incident, her attitude is "oh well, their fault" "I don't need to apologise" "little one doesn't need to draw a picture they can say it verbally" without realising that 3 year olds often need visual aids such as pictures to understand. It's no good just telling a 3 year old to say "sorry" because they won't understand what they're saying sorry for. Then when people pointed out what was wrong here, she comes back with "oh well I'm a first time mum I don't know what I'm doing".
She actually sounds very childish herself, making excuses for everything.

Show quote history

Ok.. deep breath.

  1. No I don't not mind if they bring their stuff here. Dad wants them to go through it and donate to charity as the problem with the using their "other home" as storage is that they then become reluctant to get rid of things that other kids with one home might have done. I really really don't mind what they do with the room. I've helped them do all sorts with it, we've decorated it as they've grown older and I've helped them make it their space. I have no reason to resent them putting whatever they want in their room.
  1. My attitude isn't that it is their fault. My attitude is sorry, however we did warn you so perhaps now take heed of the warning so it won't happen again.
  1. I still don't get why I would apologise. I didn't break the toy.
  1. What's wrong with me not knowing a 3 year old would benefit from drawing the incident on a card to say sorry. How would I know this?? I thought the stepchild in question might feel upset about it enough without having to feel pressured to forgive when faced with LO presenting them with a card.
  1. I am a first time mum so grateful to learn from others about the use of locks, stair gates and a check that perhaps my 3 year old isn't as safe to leave to roam while I use the loo as I thought. And that is valuable advice so thank you everyone who raised it. I don't see what's wrong with admitting I don't know it all!
OP posts:
Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 19:38

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 13/10/2023 19:32

You were on the loo the whole time since they'd been away and forgotten to close the door?

Show quote history

MY CHILD OPENED THE DOOR READ THE POST

OP posts:
Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 19:39

People just read whatever they want into the OP don't they!

OP posts:
Needanewname44 · 13/10/2023 19:40

YABVU

CheekyHobson · 13/10/2023 19:42

Exactly! They are most welcome to keep them here. I have precious ornaments and hand me downs that I've put in a locked box in my cupboard because that is a precaution against LO finding them and playing with them.

And you’re an adult, many years away from the time when those items felt important and comforting to you. You have a whole household of things that belong to you and have various levels of meaningfulness. These are young people who are already being shuffled back and forth between homes, and appear to share a bedroom rather than having their own rooms. They probably don’t feel like your home is very much theirs.

The mother may have requested they take some of their things to their dad’s, but that is understandable as she probably already has tonnes of their stuff at her home, including childhood items. The kids have two parents, dads don’t get to move out and start fresh lives unencumbered by anything that’s meaningful to their kids but inconvenient for their new partners.

Serrina · 13/10/2023 19:42

blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 19:37

Ok.. deep breath.

  1. No I don't not mind if they bring their stuff here. Dad wants them to go through it and donate to charity as the problem with the using their "other home" as storage is that they then become reluctant to get rid of things that other kids with one home might have done. I really really don't mind what they do with the room. I've helped them do all sorts with it, we've decorated it as they've grown older and I've helped them make it their space. I have no reason to resent them putting whatever they want in their room.
  1. My attitude isn't that it is their fault. My attitude is sorry, however we did warn you so perhaps now take heed of the warning so it won't happen again.
  1. I still don't get why I would apologise. I didn't break the toy.
  1. What's wrong with me not knowing a 3 year old would benefit from drawing the incident on a card to say sorry. How would I know this?? I thought the stepchild in question might feel upset about it enough without having to feel pressured to forgive when faced with LO presenting them with a card.
  1. I am a first time mum so grateful to learn from others about the use of locks, stair gates and a check that perhaps my 3 year old isn't as safe to leave to roam while I use the loo as I thought. And that is valuable advice so thank you everyone who raised it. I don't see what's wrong with admitting I don't know it all!
Show quote history

OK.... we were all first time mums at some point, and no, none of us know it all. We are all still learning as out children grow. But... you've been a first time mum for 3 years. This can't be the first time in all these 3 years your LO has got into something they shouldn't have when your back was turned?

Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 19:43

Serrina · 13/10/2023 19:42

OK.... we were all first time mums at some point, and no, none of us know it all. We are all still learning as out children grow. But... you've been a first time mum for 3 years. This can't be the first time in all these 3 years your LO has got into something they shouldn't have when your back was turned?

Show quote history

It's the first time they have opened the door and gone into their room and found a toy on the floor and broken it while I've been on the loo

OP posts:
Serrina · 13/10/2023 19:46

blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 19:43

It's the first time they have opened the door and gone into their room and found a toy on the floor and broken it while I've been on the loo

Show quote history

That's as maybe, but there have been other times when they've got hold of something they shouldn't have while your back was turned. This usually starts happening as soon as they start walking.

Goldfish41 · 13/10/2023 19:56

blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 19:28

Both secondary school eldest doing gcses

Show quote history

Of course secondary school kids should be able to put these things away! I don’t understand how people can say the three year old should be able to follow instructions yet think much older kids can’t keep precious toys out of reach when asked by their dad…

Serrina · 13/10/2023 20:01

Goldfish41 · 13/10/2023 19:56

Of course secondary school kids should be able to put these things away! I don’t understand how people can say the three year old should be able to follow instructions yet think much older kids can’t keep precious toys out of reach when asked by their dad…

Show quote history

3 years old or teens, they are all children which means their brains aren't fully developed yet. The 3 year old can't be expected to follow instructions every time and remember them and teenagers don't always put their things away when they should, teens have a tendency to be lethargic and forgetful at times, and hormones play a part in this, and on top of that they have the stress of exams which adds to it. The adults in this situation (OP and her DH) should be the responsible ones here.

aSofaNearYou · 13/10/2023 20:03

I'm a younger sibling myself so I can agree that younger siblings do have to put up with things too. But that isn't the issue here, the issue is OP's blasé attitude towards the whole thing. First of all she sounds put upon by the step children bringing their old toys to her house.

I think it's reasonable to feel put out by that - most parents have more control over how many toys their kids have in the house, it would be annoying having them bring loads over outside of your control, that you may not have space for.

Then in regards to this incident, her attitude is "oh well, their fault" "I don't need to apologise" "little one doesn't need to draw a picture they can say it verbally" without realising that 3 year olds often need visual aids such as pictures to understand. It's no good just telling a 3 year old to say "sorry" because they won't understand what they're saying sorry for. Then when people pointed out what was wrong here, she comes back with "oh well I'm a first time mum I don't know what I'm doing".

I agree that OP isn't exactly jumping to take responsibility/sound apologetic but personally I feel it's hard to judge someone when the responses they receive have been excessively harsh. If people had been telling me I was awful and this is why people hate step parents over such a minor issue, I wouldn't be feeling very magnanimous in my responses either. And I agree with OP that the picture would be overkill. My DSS certainly doesn't draw us a picture every time he is clumsy and breaks something, and he is 10.

Wishbone436 · 13/10/2023 20:13

I don’t think you are a monster like some posts, but if they have it in their rooms, whether meticulously organised or a bomb site, it is their stuff in their rooms. You have a responsibility to stop your child (and anyone else!) going in and messing with their stuff. You wouldn’t expect your husband to being a mate back & him have a rummage through your room because it was a bit messy or whatever. If they have toys aimed at young children and want to share them, that’s different..