Their toys are not my responsibility- aibu?

[blanketsmell]

Hello, there's been some "mild" drama and I'm looking to see what you, as fellow steparents think.

So I have two stepchildren who are both at secondary school and I have one child with my partner who is at nursery.

The stepchildren have, encouraged by their mother, bought lots of their old toys to stay here rather than charity shop them or bin if unplayable with. As a result their bedroom is now filled with lots of exciting toys aimed at a younger child.

I told them once little one started walking that they would have to shut their door if they don't want little one coming in. And then as little one grew and can now open doors dad gave them warning to make sure anything precious to them was out of sight.

Anyway.. quite predictably little one has got in while they were at their mums an has now broke a toy one of the dsc were particularly fond of. DH is now saying I should have stopped little one going in the room.

AIBU to say sorry but they were warned?

@Serrina Yes I also have a climber. There’s nothing he can climb to get him near the shelves. The small one isn’t walking yet at least - once there are 2 working together I’ll no doubt have to review the child proofing.

WELL THEN MAKE SURE THEY CAN’T

You need to separate the fact that you don't want the toys there in the first place from the principle, which is that yes, you are always responsible for making sure your child doesn't damage other people's belongings left by those other people in their own spaces.
You could get rid of the toys but thats not going to help next time if it's books, clothes, or other of DSC possessions your child gets into in that room. A lock or stairgate.

Why is your partner still at nursery?

I think OP means her child whom she shares with her partner.

The step kids room should be their safe space and if your toddler is old enough to reach up to a door handle and open the door then they are old enough to be clearly told and impressed that they shouldn't play with those toys.

Toddlers: Famously good at doing what they’re told.

Your fault , the baby should not go in there .

Yeah exactly.

Don't be silly. Think in the context of the post would I be trying to say my partner is at nursery?

What a load of nasty, bitchy replies on here. If the step geets are so sentimental towards the toys why move them from their ma’s hoose to somewhere they know there is a 3 year old who wants to play with them. Keep them at their ma’s hoose where they are safe. The stepma’s hoose is not a dumping ground for old toys.

Yanbu. Are you going to tell your own children it's tough luck if their stuff gets broken by their younger sibling when it was left in their own room?

That should be yabu!

I agree you should apologise because in that moment you were responsible for yo child and they managed to break something, accidental or not.

It's about being the adult and accountability.

That said I do not agree you are a 'monster'. Stuff happens.

I would say, maybe don't refer to your DSC belongings as 'junk'. Whether you like their stuff being in your home or not, it comes across as cruel and like they are a burden

Sorry the toy broke, and sorry you're being demonised for using the loo.

Yabu

Yeah I agree with this. I would expect a secondary aged child to show some common sense around their belongings.

I wouldn't let my DC break SK's things no

Totally agree with this. Kids are allowed sentimental stuff in any and all their bedrooms!

YABU. DD is 20 months. We’ve just put a stairgate on DS’ (6) bedroom door so DD can roam the rest of the upstairs without going into his room and breaking his things, which is what would happen otherwise. DD is obviously never alone upstairs but she is quick and can open a door, so it only takes me to be putting washing away and she’d be in there. I largely put the stair gate on DS’ room because I want them to have a good relationship and understandably he gets upset if she (accidentally) breaks his things. I certainly consider it my responsibility to make sure she can’t get in when he’s not there as she is remarkably adept at getting hold of whatever she wants. With half siblings (I was a step mother in my previous marriage) it’s even more important to foster good relations and value the older children’s feelings.

Exactly, the dad could have taken measures to make sure there is a gate or doors are locked or whatever.

I didn't mean to apologise for having a piss...I meany apologise for the toy breaking. Even if you don't REALLY deep down mean it, surely it's a kind and polite thing to do and makes your step kids know you care a bit??

I think the argument is that if its something particularly sentimental and valuable whilst they could keep it here they need to take advantage of the fact they have two homes and consider keeping it in the safest one.

The dads not the step mum so of course it’s nae his fault - step ma is fully responsible folk would have you believe 🙄

You’ve hit the nail on the head here. It’s their space. It’s their home, just as much as it is your child’s home. There is absolutely no difference. It is their home, and they can have their bedrooms however they want without having to hide things. It is your responsibility to look after your child and make sure they don’t break things.

Your initial reaction was totally wrong. Your step kids haven’t done anything bad here. They can keep whatever they want in their home, in their room. You need to watch your kid to stop them breaking things. There shouldn’t have been any reaction other than, “oh shit, i’m sorry, this was my responsibility and we are going to sort it so it won’t happen again.”

I very much hope that you really do understand this and will treat your step kids with a bit more kindness.

@blanketsmell

I think the argument is that if it's something particularly sentimental and valuable whilst they could keep it here they need to take advantage of the fact they have two homes and consider keeping it in the safest one.

I totally agree with your point. Your step dcs are older and they should be able to understand this. The pressure should not be all on you and a 3 year old. They are old enough to be able to understand that if they want there sentimental things at your home then that is fine but extra precautions should be taken. It is not fair to just expect you to keep your eye on a small child for every minute of the day so they don't break the older DCs things.

Or - a lock (which i think is daft anyway, id never ever let my dc have locks on their doors no matter how old they are) should have been thought of already.

Even if the dc had been told and told not to go in the bedrooms - they are 3 years old! 3 year olds don't always listen. You can't expect them to always behave.

I also stand by that your dh should be doing more to help with this. Not place blame on you.

Was the youngest dc always allowed in their siblings bedrooms and now all of a sudden not because they have sentimental things in there? Did they always just wander in as they pleased before?

Have you've actually agreed specific places for things they don't want little one getting hold of, or specific doors that need to be closed or locked? If so, and they failed to follow this, then yes it is their fault. If however you have not set up anything like this, then you should be stopping your younger child playing with the older kids things. IF you aren't bothering to provide a space where older children can have things that are suitable for a younger child, then that is a pretty obvious parent being too lazy to look after her kids properly.