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Original poster

Their toys are not my responsibility- aibu?

487 replies

blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 09:06

Hello, there's been some "mild" drama and I'm looking to see what you, as fellow steparents think.

So I have two stepchildren who are both at secondary school and I have one child with my partner who is at nursery.

The stepchildren have, encouraged by their mother, bought lots of their old toys to stay here rather than charity shop them or bin if unplayable with. As a result their bedroom is now filled with lots of exciting toys aimed at a younger child.

I told them once little one started walking that they would have to shut their door if they don't want little one coming in. And then as little one grew and can now open doors dad gave them warning to make sure anything precious to them was out of sight.

Anyway.. quite predictably little one has got in while they were at their mums an has now broke a toy one of the dsc were particularly fond of. DH is now saying I should have stopped little one going in the room.

AIBU to say sorry but they were warned?

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Emotionalsupportviper · 13/10/2023 14:25

Littlegoth · 13/10/2023 14:21

Do people really put locks on the internal doors of their home to stop their toddlers getting in?

I don’t believe you do.

I have never ever been in a house where there are locks on the outside of the bedroom doors, and if I saw this then my first thought would be that it was a fire hazard/misadventure waiting to happen - not that it was to stop a toddler playing with toys.

Yes teach the toddler not to go in, but toddlers don’t have impulse control and need reminding constantly. They are also tiny ninjas. Step kids should do what we do to stop our kids getting their hands on the dangerous/precious things - make sure they are out of reach or in a locked cupboard. You can get 20 magnetic locks for a tenner on Amazon. Even if our toddler could figure them out the magnet release key is stuck to the wall far out of his reach.

Edited

I have never ever been in a house where there are locks on the outside of the bedroom doors

This isn't a lock to keep the SC IN - it is to keep a small, curious, mischievous toddler - who is just being a toddler - OUT

No-one is suggesting that any child is locked in the bedroom at all. The fire hazard is no greater than in any other home.

Pugdays · 13/10/2023 14:25

I had 3 teens and a toddler managed to keep the toddler out of their bedrooms .it wasn't difficult

Littlegoth · 13/10/2023 14:27

@Emotionalsupportviper I understand what the intention is - my point is ‘what could possibly go wrong’?

I used to teach. I guarantee at some point a kid will use it to lock someone in.

CheekyHobson · 13/10/2023 14:29

Littlegoth · 13/10/2023 14:27

@Emotionalsupportviper I understand what the intention is - my point is ‘what could possibly go wrong’?

I used to teach. I guarantee at some point a kid will use it to lock someone in.

Edited

Probably nothing as long as the parents don't lock the older children in their bedroom during the couple of years that they'll be using the lock as toddler-proofing.

MrsB74 · 13/10/2023 14:30

Sausage1989 · 13/10/2023 09:39

Apologise then. It is your responsibility to make sure your child doesn't destroy other people's things. I've had twins so I know how difficult it can be and accidents do happen but you can still Apologise and not make out like its your step kids faults, even though they weren't there!!

Agree with this; accidents happen and this happened on your watch so apologise and offer to replace. I understand it’s more of a sentimental value issue, but offer anyway. Then between them putting valuable things out of reach and teaching the little one about not touching other people’s possessions hopefully it won’t happen again. Also think that some form of hook or lock would help. You sound more pissed off with the amount of tat in your home than you are about what actually happened.

Goldfish41 · 13/10/2023 14:32

I think you’re getting a very hard time here OP. Lots of people don’t take their 3 year old to the toilet, I don’t, and these things happen however much you police your kids. Of course it’s possible for this to happen in three minutes, these things can happen when you turn your back for 5 seconds. It’s also not unreasonable to tell an older child - as their father did - to keep something precious out of reach. A hook sounds a good solution, but I think some people’s anti step mum sentiment is coming into play here. You don’t sound like a monster or blasé to me.

Littlegoth · 13/10/2023 14:33

It’s like no one here has heard of shelves.

Tessasanderson · 13/10/2023 14:35

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Blondeshavemorefun · 13/10/2023 14:37

Yes your child destroyed a precious toy and you can't keep eyes on them all time Ie when in the loo

But you can keep the belongings safe by a latch /hook lock at top of their door

Their room Is their own safe space and no one should be going in there if they aren't there

And to say to 3yr you don't get in a and b room If they aren't there

MrsB74 · 13/10/2023 14:38

Also, the Victorian house I grew up in had old locks on all the doors - never got locked in a bedroom!

AbbeyGailsParty · 13/10/2023 14:42

At secondary school so old enough to sort through their stuff, bin some, charity shop some and put the rest away. Do they have shelves, cupboards or under bed storage? As long as they have storage it’s their responsibility to look after their own stuff.

Bloom15 · 13/10/2023 14:43

smilesup · 13/10/2023 09:14

Oh FFS do you want them to like their half sibling? Get a lock or hook on the door. It's no one's fault but can be prevented easily

Agreed.

YABU OP

Chewbecca · 13/10/2023 14:46

Just apologise (genuinely, not followed with a but) and get the toddler to apologise too. I would be genuinely sorry so it shouldn't be too hard.

Then chat about what can be done (jointly) to prevent it occuring again.

Littlegoth · 13/10/2023 15:00

MrsB74 · 13/10/2023 14:38

Also, the Victorian house I grew up in had old locks on all the doors - never got locked in a bedroom!

I’m sure you did but I expect you were able to unlock it from the inside - which isn’t what is being suggested.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 13/10/2023 15:00

You AIBU for calling your toddler "the little one" throughout, that is very irritating!😋

Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 15:00

CheekyHobson · 13/10/2023 13:53

You said yourself

The stepchildren have, encouraged by their mother, bought lots of their old toys to stay here rather than charity shop them or bin if unplayable with. As a result their bedroom is now filled with lots of exciting toys aimed at a younger child.

It's clear from your tone that you'd prefer your step-children get rid of or hide away their own possessions - things that have sentimental value to them - than have those toys 'filling up' your house and causing you to have to do inconvenient things like ensure your toddler doesn't get into their room and break irreplaceable things in an extremely short space of time.

Show quote history

No I wouldn't. If they want to bring every thing including all the junk things because they can't part with them that's fine by me. I was just trying to set the background of why there's so much stuff in the house that a toddler would find attractive. They are unfortunate it wasn't one of the less sentimental items.

OP posts:
Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 15:01

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 13/10/2023 15:00

You AIBU for calling your toddler "the little one" throughout, that is very irritating!😋

What should I call them? CHILD DESTROYER OF TOYS

OP posts:
Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 15:02

Littlegoth · 13/10/2023 14:33

It’s like no one here has heard of shelves.

They have shelves

OP posts:
Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 15:05

Oiyouoverthere · 13/10/2023 13:56

What if they have other more dangerous stuff that your kid could get their hands on? You should be preventing them from being able to get in to an older child's room. Do the older kids have sufficient 'out of reach' storage?

Yes they have loads

OP posts:
Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 15:06

Littlemisslaughalot · 13/10/2023 13:55

If they don't feel like their bedrooms are their safe space for their private belongings then it's a wonder they feel at home there at all. It sounds like you are treating them like visitors who don't get to leave things there. If the toys were in their room and door was shut then it is absolutely not their fault. It's also not your or the child's fault as these things do happen. But I think your attitude is a bit mean considering they are children. I feel for them they have a broken toy and no care or sympathy from their step mum.

They can leave things here absolutely. We have all sorts of stuff here.

OP posts:
Serrina · 13/10/2023 15:07

Littlegoth · 13/10/2023 14:33

It’s like no one here has heard of shelves.

The problem with shelves is that children have a tendency to climb in order to get to them - or rather what's on them. My just turned 2 year old has already figured out how to do this, and my now 8 year old was such a housing at this age the only way around this was to keep things in locked cupboards that she couldn't get to. Not exactly convenient, but needs must.

Littlegoth · 13/10/2023 15:08

blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 15:02

They have shelves

Show quote history

Should have been clear - that was aimed at those suggesting locks on the doors.

I imagine the precious things will probably start to live on the shelves now. Toddler just being a toddler. These things happen. Mine broke something I was fond of too. Now my precious things live on shelves.

Serrina · 13/10/2023 15:12

Serrina · 13/10/2023 15:07

The problem with shelves is that children have a tendency to climb in order to get to them - or rather what's on them. My just turned 2 year old has already figured out how to do this, and my now 8 year old was such a housing at this age the only way around this was to keep things in locked cupboards that she couldn't get to. Not exactly convenient, but needs must.

Show quote history

Should have said Houdini, not housing!! Autocorrect lol.

autumnpleasestay · 13/10/2023 15:13

Both of the adults in the home (as well as the older children) could see that this was a possibility and had ample time to take measures to prevent it. Young children are prone to breaking things, unfortunately, and the older children were warned that this could happen.

Your husband needs to take responsibility for his share of the inaction and do something (hooks on doors, baby gate, whatever it takes) to prevent it from happening again. You can take a minute to make certain the older kids haven't forgotten to close/latch/hook things when they leave the home. This is a good idea to protect the youngest child from accidents, as well.

After that, if things happen, they happen.

Ifeellikeateenageragain · 13/10/2023 15:15

As step mum in a virtually identical set up to you, I think YABU a little. The step kids room should be their safe space and if your toddler is old enough to reach up to a door handle and open the door then they are old enough to be clearly told and impressed that they shouldn't play with those toys.

The only times I have impressed on my step kids to put something out of reach were things like batteries and coins - on the basis that those are small things that when our toddler is playing with them in their room, it means they don't have to be 'on alert' that the toddler isn't playing or putting such things near her mouth.

It's a shame that it's happened but as the parent responsible for the toddler (I'm assuming dad wasn't home?) then you are responsible. Equally, so is dad when he's at home.