Their toys are not my responsibility- aibu?

[blanketsmell]

Hello, there's been some "mild" drama and I'm looking to see what you, as fellow steparents think.

So I have two stepchildren who are both at secondary school and I have one child with my partner who is at nursery.

The stepchildren have, encouraged by their mother, bought lots of their old toys to stay here rather than charity shop them or bin if unplayable with. As a result their bedroom is now filled with lots of exciting toys aimed at a younger child.

I told them once little one started walking that they would have to shut their door if they don't want little one coming in. And then as little one grew and can now open doors dad gave them warning to make sure anything precious to them was out of sight.

Anyway.. quite predictably little one has got in while they were at their mums an has now broke a toy one of the dsc were particularly fond of. DH is now saying I should have stopped little one going in the room.

AIBU to say sorry but they were warned?

And if the DSC play with your DC with the toys when they visit then it’s a bit odd that you can’t see any positive in that.

They obviously want to spend time playing with their sibling - which is a nice thing.

Its very easy to get into a negative cycle, especially if there’s another parent twisting things, but don’t loose sight of the positives in it.

I wouldn’t worry, it happens with full siblings too.
I managed to steal my sisters toy whilst she was at school, escape the house(I was 3) and swap the toy for a balloon from the rag and bone man.
My dm was always having to stop me getting up to mischief.
She didn’t always succeed.

Your child needs to learn that they can't go around breaking other people's toys or going into their rooms. No different if it was full siblings step children or whatever.

I haven't said its not positive!

If you go in a shop and your child breaks something, you are expected to pay for it. Of course a young child won't understand when you tell them they can't touch all the colourful shiny things on the shelves, but you take steps to make sure that they don't. The same principle applies here.

Yes. Way to make sure they feel welcome...

You said yourself

The stepchildren have, encouraged by their mother, bought lots of their old toys to stay here rather than charity shop them or bin if unplayable with. As a result their bedroom is now filled with lots of exciting toys aimed at a younger child.

It's clear from your tone that you'd prefer your step-children get rid of or hide away their own possessions - things that have sentimental value to them - than have those toys 'filling up' your house and causing you to have to do inconvenient things like ensure your toddler doesn't get into their room and break irreplaceable things in an extremely short space of time.

Hate to say it op, but if they opened the door while you were on the loo they're not being kept safe, and nor are your SC's belongings.

That definitely IS your responsibility. Put a lock on the door, or if you're happy that your younger child will wander in and help themselves (you shouldn't be) at the very least supervise the older ones to put precious stuff out of reach.

They need to feel that they have two homes and that 'the right thing' will be done in each one. Not that they effectively disappear when they're not physically there - out of sight, out of mind. In my view they also need privacy once they are at secondary school, so their bedrooms are no longer 'part of the house' but private to them and off-limits to others except for serious things (or cleaning if they won't clean themselves).

If they don't feel like their bedrooms are their safe space for their private belongings then it's a wonder they feel at home there at all. It sounds like you are treating them like visitors who don't get to leave things there. If the toys were in their room and door was shut then it is absolutely not their fault. It's also not your or the child's fault as these things do happen. But I think your attitude is a bit mean considering they are children. I feel for them they have a broken toy and no care or sympathy from their step mum.

Three year old are hard work..just when you think that they are a bit more sensible, they then do something which reminds you how tiny they are and how much they need to learn.

Next time everyone is over, at dinner, have a proper family discussion about not going in rooms without other person permission. So that everyone, not just he is reminded.

You can even make it a game. You have to knock before you go in their room and if no reply you can't get in.

The whole family needs to be involved in teaching consistency and the rules.

Doesn't mean that it will never happen again but your stepchildren will understand that everyone is at least trying.

What if they have other more dangerous stuff that your kid could get their hands on? You should be preventing them from being able to get in to an older child's room. Do the older kids have sufficient 'out of reach' storage?

YAB less U to want less dumping of old toys and stuff in your house, but that's a separate issue that needs to be tackled with the DCs input, compromises reached, etc - just as it would be if yours were their only home.

You just need to keep explaining to the little one that they can’t go into their siblings room when they are not there. Get the wee one to apologise to the big ones and have a nice conversation with the big ones about how your wondering if a hook on the door or baby gate would keep their room off limits from the wee one when they aren’t at home? Let them have the choice and see that you care about their space in the home.

it’s doesn’t matter that their half siblings, this is an older sibling younger sibling thing. You first going on about the step side, the mum making them take their old toys to their bedroom at their dads got this down the wrong track. It’s not about genes and adult nonsense, it’s about the wee one looking up to their siblings and wanting to play with their stuff.

I want the toddler many posters seem to have. The sort that you can teach not to go in certain rooms and not to trash stuff.

I don't know if my children were these 'mythical' types of toddlers who listened well, or if I just had adequate child-proofing in my house, but I magically managed to get through two toddler phases without either of my children destroying an item of sentimental value to someone.

The answer is simple. As others have posted get your DH to put a small bolt on the door. Out of reach of the toddler but within reach of older SDCs.

When they are at yours it’s their responsibility to make sure they lock the door after leaving the room and when they leave to go back home they should too, but you should also make sure that when they’ve gone home they’ve locked it.
Then you won’t have to worry about little one getting in to trash the room. Surely this would be the easiest solution.

what if your DC was the oldest and they were younger and trashing the toys. You’d soon get it sorted then.

This 💯

Yet again, you're not apologising for needing the toilet. You're apologising for not taking adequate steps to ensure that your toddler couldn't get into rooms he's not supposed to go in. You presumably take other steps to keep him safe whilst you're not with him, so why couldn't you ensure he couldn't access that room? If he can open the door, you could have put him in another room with a childproof gate across the door or where there was another barrier to stop him getting at the bedrooms, you could have put something in front of the DSC's door, you could have tied something around the handle, whatever. It's a normal part of parenting.

To everyone saying it's the ops responsibility to stop the young dc from going in the older dcs room - where the hell does the dad play part in all of this?

I'm guessing he's not responsible at all? He's shouldn't even be thinking ahead of any possible scenarios and playing his part in stopping them from happening......clearly not!

Send op down to the diy sho, buy the locks her self and let her fit them herself while she's at it!

This

I'm assuming the dad was at work when this happened and the OP is either a SAHM or works part time. If the dad was in the house when this occurred, then it is 100% his responsibility too.

I'm assuming that the dad was at work when this happened.

If he'd been looking after the toddler when it happened it would be his responsibility and his fault.

@Serrina @Serrina but regardless, dad shouldn't just expect the op to have her eye on the dc every minute of every day. It doesn't happen. It's impossible.

He shouldn't be blaming her. He should just accept that it's a mistake. I'm sure he's had his fair share of taking his eye off them for a second too.....just like every other parent out there.

He is also just as responsible for making sure the young dc can't get into the older dcs room if it's such big deal. Letting op have all the weight on her shoulders of constantly watching a 3 year old every second of the day is NOT the solution.

I’m saying this from a place of complete understanding as I have a toddler who gets into absolutely everything! I completely understand your predicament. However, your dsc put their toys in their room and closed the door before they went to their moms. That should be enough. Are you teaching your little one that the dsc bedrooms are out of bounds? I know little ones don’t always listen and actually enjoy pushing boundaries! A baby gate or child lock on the bedroom will work until they understand not to go in there. Just like you’d do on rooms little one isn’t allowed in without you. We’ve done that and then when we are in those rooms with him we ensure we tell him what not to touch etc so he will eventually understand and we can trust him in there. I’m sure your little one plays with dsc in their room so try and explain they can only go on there when dsc are over?

I think this is a learning experience for you all - your dsc to understand that their sibling will actually get into their toys if they don’t put them away. And for you and your DH to start instilling into your little one that they aren’t allowed in dsc room. No matter what the situation is it’s unacceptable for your child to break other people’s things - I’d be absolutely mortified if my little boy did that (he has done it in fact). What if you were in public at a toddler group and your LO broke a toy there? You’d reprimand them and this is the same situation

He is also just as responsible for making sure the young dc can't get into the older dcs room if it's such big deal. Letting op have all the weight on her shoulders of constantly watching a 3 year old every second of the day is NOT the solution.

If the OP (who is clearly the main carer and IMO therefore carries more responsibility for communicating this) knows the toddler is such a whirlwind that in the space of a quick toilet visit the kid will make a beeline for their siblings' room and break something the kids will be upset about, she needs to make it clear to her husband that a lock needs to go on the door.

The thing is, the OP knew quite well that her toddler was in the sibling room, likely to be playing with what are obviously easily breakable toys, out of her line of sight, yet she seems to feel that it's just too damn bad that something got broken because the teenagers should have been responsible for child-proofing by hiding all their things away.

Do people really put locks on the internal doors of their home to stop their toddlers getting in?

I don’t believe you do.

I have never ever been in a house where there are locks on the outside of the bedroom doors, and if I saw this then my first thought would be that it was a fire hazard/misadventure waiting to happen - not that it was to stop a toddler playing with toys.

Yes teach the toddler not to go in, but toddlers don’t have impulse control and need reminding constantly. They are also tiny ninjas. Step kids should do what we do to stop our kids getting their hands on the dangerous/precious things - make sure they are out of reach or in a locked cupboard. You can get 20 magnetic locks for a tenner on Amazon. Even if our toddler could figure them out the magnet release key is stuck to the wall far out of his reach.