Step daughter needs to grow up!

[Frustrated2010]

DSD is 20. She's been out of education and working for two years now.

Prior to this she was doing a college course that involved work placements. Her last placement all but offered her a permanent role, all she had to do was complete an application form. She never got it sorted and miss out on the job.

Her DM then got her a job where she works. I said at the time I thought it was a bad idea. I thought DSD would benefit from finding a job off her own back and working elsewhere to her DM to gain independence. Also, the job was 30 hours a week, term time only. I didn't think that was a good idea either, going straight from education to a term time only role and not experiencing the standard 9 - 5, Full time, as most jobs are.

As it is, after two years of working, she has gained zero independence, her DM drives her there and back everyday. She hasn't forged any relationships of her own.

I half expected that she would stop coming to ours EOW now she's an adult. But she hasn't. She's aware she's welcome any time. She can stay whenever she wants, just turn up, let herself in, stay for dinner, etc. But no, she still just sticks to the original EOW. She stays up late on her phone and sleeps in until lunch time.

Also, there was an issue a while back where their landlord served them notice and they were struggling to find anywhere else. They contacted the council for help. There was a worry at the time that now DSD was an adult, she would be housed separately from the DM and siblings. Luckily, that didn't happen. DH said she could also move in here too to prevent that. But anyway, DH was worried at the time she'd be housed separate and would be unable to then save up, needing to use all her wages to pay rent and never be able to save up for her own place, etc.

Well, in the two years she's been working she hasn't saved a penny anyway. She's taken out a load of things on finance rather than paying for things outright and hasn't even managed to save 50 quid a month.

It's really bloody frustrating and honestly, I think she needs to grow up. She needs to work more hours, work independently from her DM, start saving up and stop sleeping in until lunchtime and dossing around on the sofa all day. She doesn't even know how to use a washing machine.

And honestly she's a lovely girl. I think it's her parents fault for enabling this

I get your frustrations but this is something her Mum & Dad need to sort out. If she's only round every other weekend I'd let her get on with it providing you have the space for her own room etc still. The coming every other weekend anyway is bizarre at 20 I think....

Unfortunately it sounds like her Mum is enabling it. My cousin is the same, except he's nearly 28, only every worked from home for his Dad's company, doesn't drive, no social life or anything. It's very sad but ultimately there's nothing you personally can do about it other than share your frustrations with your DH.

So she's an adult.

It sounds like your main frustrations are that you don't approve of the job that she is doing and think that she should be doing a different one, and that she should be saving more.

I suspect that you can't do anything about the job situation - if she's been doing it for two years then she is clearly reasonably happy with it, and trying to force her to do a different job is unlikely to work. And that's even leaving aside the fact that trying to make a biological son or daughter of 20 get a different job because their mum or dad thinks they should be doing a different job is incredibly unlikely to be successful.

Saving more... good luck with that one.

And all 20 year olds sleep in until lunchtime sometimes. Hell, I'm 47 and so do I!

Realistically your best bet is just to disengage from the situation. If you only see her every two weeks and she's annoying you, go out more.

I have a half sister like this. She went from school to work with her mum, term time only, bought a merc on finance and goes on fancy holidays never saves. She's 22.

I'd wondered if this was the new generation of Kidults, like those who go home after uni.

I can't imagine being so enmeshed with my family! But I moved out at 16 and waitressed to keep my own place during alevels/PT degree.

Ultimately though she is an adult, not a lot you can do.

It is frustrating. I still don't understand the coming every other weekend thing. Especially as she sleeps half the day in bed and then falls asleep on the sofa under a blanket and doesn't move until she goes to bed again. She did that at 15 (so did I) but I assumed, like I did, that she'd grow up and out of it. Especially since she started working.

Step back from it, none of your business really.
20 year olds vary enormously, a lot of them act quite young these days.

I do get that but also, it kind of is my business when it's my sofa she's laying on all day, when I'm paying for her food and washing her pjs...

I'm 28 and I'm not only funding but taking care of a 20 year old.

The worst thing is she has no plans, no goals and no aspirations. No desire at all to change any of it. I just think she can't carry on like this forever.

She is been working for 2 years, what woukd you prefer? Her not being working? If she wants to work term time who are you to disagree? Not even biological parents can. She is an adult and can choose any job makes her happy.
Do you like to control everything?

I have no problem with her working. I'm glad she does. My point was that I thought at the time, working with her DM and doing less hours than standard wouldn't help her gain any independence or learn to live in the real world. And after two years, that's exactly the case. She hasn't gained any independence or grown up in the slightest.

But alas, she can do whatever job she wants, I still think she needs to grow up.

Sounds ND to me.

How long have you been with her dad?

Since she was 11/12.

Oh i get why it pisses you off if you're only 28.

You're far too close to her in age to be playing step mum. Stop washing her clothes and critiquing. She can do what she wants in her home, which you share with her.

Perhaps. I'm not so sure, and I say that as someone who is.

You mention what you think and what her mum’s involvement is, where’s her dad in all of this?

What happens if you suggested you and he had a weekend away on one of her scheduled weekends with you? Would he agree to it? Would she come anyway or would she be upset? Is it her mum who wants a break EOW?

Her mum is her role model, her dad is enabling the dynamic, you won’t get anywhere trying to fight it.

You can stop washing her pyjamas. Her dad can do that if he can’t be arsed to teach her how to use a washing machine. My 4 year old knows how to put a wash on, though I don’t let her handle washing powder.

It’s really weird you’re calling her your step daughter when you’re only 8 years older than her and you’re both in your 20’s. More alarm bells are ringing with your partner shagging a girl barely older than his own daughter. As to your ‘step daughters’ issue, she’s a grown woman, she’s got a job and sees her father twice a month. Her job, housing, savings, and shopping habits are literally none of your business. I can’t see any issue that affects this (slightly younger than you) lady that affects you in any way, apart from you begrudge her spending time with her father a couple times a month and you don’t like washing her pj’s (so don’t do it). This thread is weird as fuck

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with her working term time only, many people work term time only.

The only thing I’d be concerned about is her not having much of a social life. Does she not have friends from school/college that she goes out with outside of work?.

It is OPs business if the 20 year old adult is still staying over regularly and when DH is offering their house as a permanent base should the other place not work out. As it turns out the other place is fine but the potential is there.

What's weird is a 20 year old expecting/accepting a 28 year old stepmother washing her clothes. Is the 20 year old really that incapable?

Well, she has younger siblings too and DH and I also have a 5 year old so we wouldn't be going away during contact time as we have the others during that time.

We're taking them all on holiday next year and paying for her as she wants to come and we didn't feel comfortable paying for the others and not her.

I think DH is just touched she still wants to come EOW and is happy for her to still be like a child.

If my partner told me my adult children couldn’t come stay over twice a month he’d be told to get to fuck. Literally everything else is irrelevant. You don’t get to complain because a partners grown up relative doesn’t have the job you’d like them to have, you think they should work different hours and have different spending habits. It’s a 20yo woman, not a 12yo she has shared residency of

You sound very judgemental.
Wait until your own kid turns 20 and see if they have turned out so well.

Who says she’s accepting it? Presumably it’s getting thrown in the washing at her dads house and the op is choosing to do it. She can just stop. As it is it would be a total non issue for me personally. I’m not so petty that sticking a relatives washing in the machine with mine twice a month would be a problem. I agree this thread is really weird

I think I'd rather my 19 year old hadnt grown up enough to have a full time job, than be going out with an at least 30 year old man who already had kids.

This isn't any of your business op. She's not your child. Stop washing her clothes if you don't want to wash her clothes.