Step daughter needs to grow up!

[Frustrated2010]

DSD is 20. She's been out of education and working for two years now.

Prior to this she was doing a college course that involved work placements. Her last placement all but offered her a permanent role, all she had to do was complete an application form. She never got it sorted and miss out on the job.

Her DM then got her a job where she works. I said at the time I thought it was a bad idea. I thought DSD would benefit from finding a job off her own back and working elsewhere to her DM to gain independence. Also, the job was 30 hours a week, term time only. I didn't think that was a good idea either, going straight from education to a term time only role and not experiencing the standard 9 - 5, Full time, as most jobs are.

As it is, after two years of working, she has gained zero independence, her DM drives her there and back everyday. She hasn't forged any relationships of her own.

I half expected that she would stop coming to ours EOW now she's an adult. But she hasn't. She's aware she's welcome any time. She can stay whenever she wants, just turn up, let herself in, stay for dinner, etc. But no, she still just sticks to the original EOW. She stays up late on her phone and sleeps in until lunch time.

Also, there was an issue a while back where their landlord served them notice and they were struggling to find anywhere else. They contacted the council for help. There was a worry at the time that now DSD was an adult, she would be housed separately from the DM and siblings. Luckily, that didn't happen. DH said she could also move in here too to prevent that. But anyway, DH was worried at the time she'd be housed separate and would be unable to then save up, needing to use all her wages to pay rent and never be able to save up for her own place, etc.

Well, in the two years she's been working she hasn't saved a penny anyway. She's taken out a load of things on finance rather than paying for things outright and hasn't even managed to save 50 quid a month.

It's really bloody frustrating and honestly, I think she needs to grow up. She needs to work more hours, work independently from her DM, start saving up and stop sleeping in until lunchtime and dossing around on the sofa all day. She doesn't even know how to use a washing machine.

Tbh, you’re the unusual one, OP. She sounds like lots of 20 year olds.

Same here.

I agree that your experiences are skewing your perspective. My DH of 9 years and I met when we were 25, got married at 28. Right up until 28 (your age) we were wining and dining and sleeping in -all while completing our qualifications. I graduated with my doctorate at 28 - and was very carefree for most of that decade! We started with nothing now have three kids (well third on the way), own two homes, excellent careers, holiday 5+ times a year. Head over heels in love with each other too as we have such a strong foundation.

The point is, the world is changing and young people have more time to be young. This is good news because they are more likely to feel fulfilled and ‘ready’ when those big responsibilities come along.

To be honest, I don't think there's anything too alarming about her lifestyle. 20 years old is difficult time and apparently when people are most likely to have mental health crises, peak time for suicides etc. At 20 I was a complete mess. I had a nervous vbreakdown, dropped out of uni.. I did absolutely nothing. Then I recovered and got my life in order.
This young woman is working almost full time hours so I think that's good. You seem perplexed that she's sticking to the every other weekend routine of seeing her dad. Well, what's wrong with that? Routines are comforting to people and if it's always worked for her, I'm not surprised she wants to continue it. Loads of people her age will have a long lie in at the weekend and stay up late looking at their phones (I mean I still do it and I'm 48)!
I think you're being a little harsh. I'm sure that over the next few years she'll mature and develop.

Let's also not forget that this girl was 16/17 at the start of the pandemic, which will surely have a lot to do with the shapes of her life now.

Think about it. When you were her age you were already with a man 12 years older that had 3 children. It sounds like your comparing how you were at that age vs how she is.

I personally don’t see the problem with her coming EOW and sticking to what she knows. She has a job that her mum got for her and her mum drops and picks her up. So what? Isn’t it the parents problem if she isn’t as independent as she should be?

I’d prefer for my child to be lazy then throw her youth away which I think is what you’ve done. You’re only 8 years older than her and the dynamic is already weird. Get her dad to speak with her regarding laziness whilst in your house

I have a 28yr old DD. I can't imagine her being a stepmum to a 20 year old

I don't think any of this is your business OP; she's an adult!

If she's an adult then why is she dossing at the OPs house? If she's an adult she should be doing her own laundry and understand that as a house guest you don't act like a slob

If she's an adult then why is she dossing at the OPs house? If she's an adult she should be doing her own laundry and understand that as a house guest you don't act like a slob

Dossing? Or staying at her father's house once a fortnight? 🙄

I'm assuming she isn't forcing the OP to wash her clothes, she could simply stop? If she's only staying once a fortnight I can't imagine she's creating much washing anyway, just let her take it home? There's no need for the op to get involved in another adults washing arrangements.

I think the OP isn’t objecting to her wearing pyjamas all day, she’s objecting because the pyjamas stink.

Also the OP can’t sit on her own sofa at the weekend because there’s someone asleep on it!

I think those are valid complaints.

I agree that whether or not the girls mother drives her to work is nothing to do with the OP.

So when you were 20 you were shacked up with a man in his 30s and looking after his three kids?

Now she's 20 and is doing what 20 year olds with a job and no other responsibilities are perfectly entitled to do - which is spend their money however they want and spend their leisure time however they want.

Are you jealous that you never got that opportunity? Would you feel better if she was also wasting her young years skivvying for a man?

Taking up the whole sofa and sleeping all day (why not use her bed?) and wearing stinky pjs is not acting like an adult. She's a guest she should act like one.

So at 11 she got a 19 year old step mummy? Nah im on her side here, that’s grim

Taking up the whole sofa and sleeping all day (why not use her bed?) and wearing stinky pjs is not acting like an adult. She's a guest she should act like one.

She's not a guest, she's family

Pretty sure the OP didn't say she slept all day....and does she even have a bed?

Anyways, it's not something I can find any enthusiasm to argue over so...🤷🏻‍♀️

She is not a guest, she's family. That's exactly right.

There is clearly some exaggeration in the OP’s story. She can’t be doing the SD’s washing and the pyjamas are still stinky, for example.

But that probably reflects the frustration she’s feeling. Much of which undoubtedly does come from annoyance that her own life at 20 looked so very different to her SD’s (or the vast majority of 20 year olds).

The OP isn’t going to be back (who would come back to this?). Hopefully she’s been able to take something useful from it and can explore any feelings of resentment she might have about her lack of freedom at her SD’s age - and the ongoing aspects of that.

Still here. Reading and reflecting.

Why are you feeding her and washing her clothes? Other than being vaguely friendly to her when she's at yours, you don't need to be invested in her at all.
Were you saving up to buy your own place when you were 20? Would you have your own place now if you hadn't pulled an older man?
I do understand that you want to see the back of her - so would I. But it's not up to you to sort her out. (I'd kick her off the sofa, though - no need to make her too comfortable!)

Apologies, I've just done the sums and shouldn't have said 'pulled an older man.' The man who exploited you at 20 by foisting his three children onto you was clearly no catch.

You are not wrong.

it sounds like she isn’t adjusting g to adult life very well and her mum is facilitating it.

although if I am honest at her age I was at university partying hard and having three months off at summer!

she does need to grow up, get a full time job and build her career and life. She seems to settle to easily - longer hours would give her more money and more opportunities.

not much you can do though - she is an adult and is being subsidised by two parents!

Yes. He was prepared to expect Op to play mum to three children/housewife at 20, but isn't prepared to ask his own daughter to help around the house at all at the same age.

What a guy.

She lives in the op’s house, of course it is her business!

She visits twice a month. Not quite the same as living there.

There is clearly some exaggeration in the OP’s story. She can’t be doing the SD’s washing and the pyjamas are still stinky, for example.

Has the OP got a job? We're told she used to have one.
If this had been worded differently the OP would have our sympathy and would likely be told to leave the piss taking older man. OP is it possible you got into this so young you are angry about the whole situation and SD just personifies why you're angry?
If you hadn't been working FT and raising his kids at 20 what would you have been doing on your days off?

This - I'd much, much rather my girls were lying on the couch at 20 and "only" working 30 hours a week than shacking up with some creepy old man and his 3 kids, one of whom was nearly the same age. How awful for you @Frustrated2010