Step daughter needs to grow up!

[Frustrated2010]

DSD is 20. She's been out of education and working for two years now.

Prior to this she was doing a college course that involved work placements. Her last placement all but offered her a permanent role, all she had to do was complete an application form. She never got it sorted and miss out on the job.

Her DM then got her a job where she works. I said at the time I thought it was a bad idea. I thought DSD would benefit from finding a job off her own back and working elsewhere to her DM to gain independence. Also, the job was 30 hours a week, term time only. I didn't think that was a good idea either, going straight from education to a term time only role and not experiencing the standard 9 - 5, Full time, as most jobs are.

As it is, after two years of working, she has gained zero independence, her DM drives her there and back everyday. She hasn't forged any relationships of her own.

I half expected that she would stop coming to ours EOW now she's an adult. But she hasn't. She's aware she's welcome any time. She can stay whenever she wants, just turn up, let herself in, stay for dinner, etc. But no, she still just sticks to the original EOW. She stays up late on her phone and sleeps in until lunch time.

Also, there was an issue a while back where their landlord served them notice and they were struggling to find anywhere else. They contacted the council for help. There was a worry at the time that now DSD was an adult, she would be housed separately from the DM and siblings. Luckily, that didn't happen. DH said she could also move in here too to prevent that. But anyway, DH was worried at the time she'd be housed separate and would be unable to then save up, needing to use all her wages to pay rent and never be able to save up for her own place, etc.

Well, in the two years she's been working she hasn't saved a penny anyway. She's taken out a load of things on finance rather than paying for things outright and hasn't even managed to save 50 quid a month.

It's really bloody frustrating and honestly, I think she needs to grow up. She needs to work more hours, work independently from her DM, start saving up and stop sleeping in until lunchtime and dossing around on the sofa all day. She doesn't even know how to use a washing machine.

She knows she can stay any time she wants. She doesn't even need to ask. She could turn up and say she was staying for a month or indefinitely, and that would be fine. She's welcome any time.

I just don't unsterand why she so rigidly at 20 still sticks to the EOW arrangement when she can come as and when she pleases.

And yeah, actually, when she is here, I'd prefer it if she didn't take up an entire sofa to herself and spend all day sleeping on it underneath a blanket.

In regards to the job and saving up, I say those things only out of care and concern about her and her future. I'm worried because she isn't saving up and gets to pay day without a penny to her name. I'm concerned that after two years working she's gained no independence and formed no relationships beyond family. She can do what she wants, I don't voice any of this, but I can't pretend I'm not worried about it.

Show her how to turn the washing machine on and then leave her to it. Better yet get her father to show her. Your 'step daughter' is your peer and can sort her own washing out. The rest is none of your business. It doesn't really impact on your life other than having to see her two weekends a month. This situation suits her and suits her father by the sounds of it.

She has a job she's happy with, she sees her father when it's convenient and knows she's welcome other times, she funds her own lifestyle. So what if she doesn't have savings, a vast proportion of the population don't/can't save any money. Even 50 quid. It's none of your business. And 9-5 is not the standard for most jobs. You sound like you need to do a bit of growing up yourself.

So when you were 19/20, you started dating a man who had three kids, the eldest of whom him was/is nearer in age to you than he is?

Why? The world was your oyster!

This.
You should not be paying for/doing the laundry of this woman, that your husbands responsibility. Or hers, whatever.

She doesn't even put her PJs in the wash basket, I go and get them out of her room after she's worn them 10+ times and they stink of BO, simply because I can't bear her walking around smelling any more! It's not hard to put your dirty PJs in the wash basket is it? Or wear one of the other brand new clean pairs in your drawer!

She sticks rigidly to the EOW. Is this not an ASD thing?

My Dd is ND. I’ve been told they are a third of their age behind their peers. So she would be about 14 or so in terms of social and emotional independence.

Sounds about right.

@Aylestone it's not the staying over that is the main problem though is it. It's the fact that at 20 she is still behaving and being treated as a child. We expect our dc to grow up. If not 20 when? 25? 45?
Getting the OP to do her laundry. Treating the OPs house like a student flat. Expecting ti be taken on holiday and paid for by whatcha now OPs household budget. None of this is ok. Wouldn't be for many bio dc. Not just step.

I expect she comes EOW because she likes to be there with her siblings, and her mum may want to do her own thing on the two nights out of 14 that she doesn’t have 3 kids at home.

Do not do her washing
Show her where the machine is
Give her a shelf in kitchen and show her where the pans are
You are choosing to do stuff for her same as her parents

I really don't think you can call her your step daughter when you're both in your 20s. It is utterly ridiculous.

You do need to back off a bit. It really is none of your business what she choices to do with her life. Just because she does not fit into your definition of what working life is there is nothing wrong with her job. Her debts are none of your business either. It would be different if she lived with you full time.

She is an adult and is entitled to make her own choices but equally she washes her own pjs etc.

I think this is the main issue. None of this would bother me so much if she at least behaved like an adult rather than one of the other kids. Sleeping all day, sprawling out on the sofa and not moving all day, not putting her PJs in the wash basket, leaving hair in the bath after she's used it. Going up to bed without taking her rubbish out of the living room before she goes, etc. Just little things like that.

How old is your DH?

You're judging her as a peer not a step daughter. Also think it's weird that her Dad shacked up with someone so close in age to his daughter. Tbh I would want to know if my significant other had these issues with my child to the point they were bitching about her line.

40

This is how young adults are. Some aren’t, but some are.

I probably am. The age gap was less obvious when she was younger, but no we're both in our twenties it's become more obvious.

It’s easy at your age to look at her like that- when I was 20 I was in college down the road from my house, dm did cooking and washing a lot. Most people I knew were like that and the people who lived away from home mostly went home at the weekends. I only ‘grew up’ when I was 26 and pregnant, before that I would have gone home every weekend because I loved my parents and wanted to see them! Op great if you were all independent at that age but she’s got long enough to adult!!

Would you prefer she come every weekend or one night a week? Given your moaning about fortnightly visits and you say she is welcome anytime 🤔

Perhaps it's because when I was 20, I was working FT and looking after her and her siblings, running a house, etc.

But also, I think if she'd chosen to extend education and go to uni, all of this would be less of a problem? I just think because she's essentially chosen to grow up and work FT, she should behave like a grown up, not a teenager/uni student.

Her DB is going to uni next year and I would almost expect this behaviour from a uni student, not a working adult. But as it is, he doesn't behave like this anyway. He studies, has a PT job, pulls his weight around the house, cleans up after himself etc.

Perhaps I just grew up too quickly!

She’s only 20! Give the girl a break! Sounds like you hate her.

Why is DH letting her leave her rubbish everywhere and monopolise the sofa? It wouldn’t be ok for her to do this if she was was 13, TBH.

I don't. We get on well actually.

I think your own experience are skewing things a bit here, and I say this as someone who had a kid and was married by 20.

Yes she is an adult, I wouldn't be picking up after her either. But she is a young adult, she also has no responsibilities. I don't think its unusual that she would spend her weekends dossing around and having lie ins at 20. I can see why its annoying when its on your sofa. I can also see why she would spend her pennies and not think too much about big saving goals. But she has at least a decade to focus on her career, make good financial choices, and stand on her own to feet before she ends up in the same stage of life you were at 20.

I think the age gap and the fact that you grew up very fast and missed out on a whole chunk of your care free 20s is probably what is causing the issues. I would stop acting like a step mum and leave her parents to parent.