Step daughter needs to grow up!

[Frustrated2010]

DSD is 20. She's been out of education and working for two years now.

Prior to this she was doing a college course that involved work placements. Her last placement all but offered her a permanent role, all she had to do was complete an application form. She never got it sorted and miss out on the job.

Her DM then got her a job where she works. I said at the time I thought it was a bad idea. I thought DSD would benefit from finding a job off her own back and working elsewhere to her DM to gain independence. Also, the job was 30 hours a week, term time only. I didn't think that was a good idea either, going straight from education to a term time only role and not experiencing the standard 9 - 5, Full time, as most jobs are.

As it is, after two years of working, she has gained zero independence, her DM drives her there and back everyday. She hasn't forged any relationships of her own.

I half expected that she would stop coming to ours EOW now she's an adult. But she hasn't. She's aware she's welcome any time. She can stay whenever she wants, just turn up, let herself in, stay for dinner, etc. But no, she still just sticks to the original EOW. She stays up late on her phone and sleeps in until lunch time.

Also, there was an issue a while back where their landlord served them notice and they were struggling to find anywhere else. They contacted the council for help. There was a worry at the time that now DSD was an adult, she would be housed separately from the DM and siblings. Luckily, that didn't happen. DH said she could also move in here too to prevent that. But anyway, DH was worried at the time she'd be housed separate and would be unable to then save up, needing to use all her wages to pay rent and never be able to save up for her own place, etc.

Well, in the two years she's been working she hasn't saved a penny anyway. She's taken out a load of things on finance rather than paying for things outright and hasn't even managed to save 50 quid a month.

It's really bloody frustrating and honestly, I think she needs to grow up. She needs to work more hours, work independently from her DM, start saving up and stop sleeping in until lunchtime and dossing around on the sofa all day. She doesn't even know how to use a washing machine.

She needs to work more hours, work independently from her DM, start saving up and stop sleeping in until lunchtime and dossing around on the sofa all day.

Why though?

If I didn’t have a child I’d 100% be sleeping in and dossing around on the sofa all day.

So what if she’s close to her DM and wants to see her dad EOW.

She’s working and enjoying her life.
It may not be what you’d do but that because you’re a different person.

Honestly, you sound jealous of her.

You have to leave her to live her own life and make her own mistakes, that’s the Parent bit in Step parent. You do sound as though it’s your way, or wrong. You say that’s she is welcome to visit and not stick to EOW, but does she actually feel welcome? I’m not sure that I would and tbh, you do sound as if you hate and resent her.

But, you chose to get with her dad, who had 3 children. Did she get a say in that??

Why are you doing this though and not your DH?

Or even better yet, why is your DH not telling her to push her washing in the washing basket and do her own laundry.

You sound like a martyr or a push over.

Tell her dad to sort it out.

So you’re only 8 years older than your step-daughter?

😳

I don’t think there’s much that you can do about her working arrangements as that’s up to her DM & DF but you can start by making some ground rules in your home
She’s obviously been mollycoddled but as you have a good relationship with her could you sit her down and explain about the need to keep herself & your home neat & tidy / especially now she’s an adult .?
Her own parents don’t seem to be helping her to become independent but as her DSM (& friend ) you could be doing her a massive favour . Involve your DH as it’s his responsibility too !!

Her dad got together with you when you were 18… when you and his daughter were both teenage girls. How did she feel about her Dad getting together with a fellow teenage girl?

No wonder she doesn’t see you as a parental-type figure to be respected in your home, as really you and she are peers, not step-parent & step-child. It will impact on all sorts of dynamics.

Stepmum to a 20 year old here OP, I'm in my 40's. DSS comes pretty much every other weekend because his mum held him to a strict schedule even when he was a teen and now he just like to split his time between houses. So it is a thing.

However, I call him out on anything I'm not happy about. If him and his dad want to take over the sofa to watch a bond film marathon, no problem. If he wanted to take over the lounge all afternoon sleeping under a blanket I'd tell him that's what his bedroom is for and send him back up there.

He very occasionally comes here stinking after the gym so me and his dad tell him to shower and change as soon as he gets here.

If he leaves rubbish in the lounge (sweet wrappers and cans normally) I'll WhatsApp a photo on the family chat and tell him to come down and bin it, or his favourite is leaving plates/cups next to the dishwasher "in case" he opens it and discovers it needs emptying. Again, photographed and called out.

Occasionally I tell him to hoover and clean his room, because I'm not the maid (in fact that's a well used phrase) and he tends to oblige over the course of his weekend (slowly but he gets there) I'll also make sure he helps with clearing up after dinner, sometimes if I've cooked for everyone I'll tell him and his dad to clear up.

If you don't have that relationship then you need to push your DH to make sure these basic considerations are observed, at 20 you're not asking anything that her mum wouldn't ask for and you're not there to pick up after anyone.

Yeah

Perhaps I just grew up too quickly!
We all do things at different paces- I was kind of thrown into adulthood when we rushed through a wedding because my dad was dying (no regrets!), I probably should have grown up before then but it doesn’t really matter as long as people are happy really! Good ye get on! x

I think you are comparing her to you - and unfavourably.

You were dating a bloke with three kids by the time you were 20.

She is at a different life stage to what you were at the same age.

Comparison is the thief of joy, as they say.

When the OP was 18 his dd was 10. Not a teen

“I think I'd rather my 19 year old hadnt grown up enough to have a full time job, than be going out with an at least 30 year old man who already had kids.”

My thoughts also.

Hmm, I can kind of see your point as my DD (18) is far more motivated than your DSD. She wouldn’t spend the weekend sleeping on the sofa, although she does like a lie-in!

But, people mature at different rates. It sounds as if you grew up quickly and perhaps your DSD just needs longer. She can put her washing in the basket though, you shouldn’t be picking up dirty clothes from her room.

If you're seeing her as a peer, maybe try treating her as one, instead of tiptoeing around her? "Ew, X, those PJs smell rank. Time you put a wash on", and show her how if she doesn't know. You do have agency here and you don't have to do these things for another adult, so time to stand firm.

Have you said any of this to your DH?

This. Seems bonkers to me that one woman in her 20’s is posting on a parenting forum about how to parent another woman in her 20’s. Genuinely no offence tho OP. It just seems really strange in the dynamics of all of this.

Just stop washing them
She'll crack eventually.

Even a 5 year old can put their dirty clothes in the laundry basket

Don’t wash her pyjamas. Just get a can of febreze and spray it on her whenever she comes close.
Wake her up and shove her off the sofa so you can sit there. Ice cubes will help with this.
Lock away the snacks/cans/chocs, whatever it is she leaves as rubbish. Then she can’t eat any. Explain that you’re now a healthy eating household.

No advice but you have my sympathy. DSD is nearly 30 and similar, and only wants to work part time.

Oh and whip the blanket off her while she’s asleep.
She can sleep in her room, not take over the only sitting room.

I don’t see what you can really do about it - apart from not pick up after her and tell her to tidy up her own mess (or remind her dad to tell her). She sounds bored and boring - it’s almost failure to launch. The EOW thing is probably because her siblings still do it too and there’s nothing actually wrong with it. I think you probably didn’t get enough childhood and she’s getting a bit too much and the difference is jarring.

I mean, this is hilarious and all (not really) but it’s not clear DSD has been asked to stop taking over the sofa!

Alarm bells

I know people are having a pop at op for daring to have a opinion on these things but if 20 year old adult was living in a shared flat. This type of behaviour would be called out and challenged.

I wasn't like this at this age neither were any of my peers. I don't think referring to a 20th at old as a child is particularly healthy.

I also think that since dss who is younger is acting like his age will eventually show up dsd.

Tbh if sounds like the 20 year old is just lazy tbh. I would say stop enabling the behaviour

What is she actually doing that is a problem. So what if she lies in until midday, ultimately that is her own problem and she will have the consequences of u healthy sleep patterns. So what if she comes EOW maybe it’s a routine that works for her and maintains contact with her father.

Only thing I’d say is to stop doing anything that is enabling her and treat he like an adult - eg picking up her PJs - why on earth should a 20 yr old not pick up her PJ. Tell her that they smell and she needs to wash them. Assuming she manages to do basic things like google and watch YouTube she should be able to figure out a washing machine. Her dad should be leading the reduction in enabling her though.

You’re 8 years older than her met her dad when she was 11 or 12). So by her age you’d already taken on a man with multiple children. OK.

She’s not going to be interested in your opinion. And clearly her parents aren’t either.

You have no control over any of this. But you don’t have to pay for any of it. Nor do you have to facilitate it. Don’t do her washing. Set clear boundaries around ensuring that the living room is available for family use.

But recognise that you can’t change her or her parents.