Step daughter needs to grow up!

[Frustrated2010]

DSD is 20. She's been out of education and working for two years now.

Prior to this she was doing a college course that involved work placements. Her last placement all but offered her a permanent role, all she had to do was complete an application form. She never got it sorted and miss out on the job.

Her DM then got her a job where she works. I said at the time I thought it was a bad idea. I thought DSD would benefit from finding a job off her own back and working elsewhere to her DM to gain independence. Also, the job was 30 hours a week, term time only. I didn't think that was a good idea either, going straight from education to a term time only role and not experiencing the standard 9 - 5, Full time, as most jobs are.

As it is, after two years of working, she has gained zero independence, her DM drives her there and back everyday. She hasn't forged any relationships of her own.

I half expected that she would stop coming to ours EOW now she's an adult. But she hasn't. She's aware she's welcome any time. She can stay whenever she wants, just turn up, let herself in, stay for dinner, etc. But no, she still just sticks to the original EOW. She stays up late on her phone and sleeps in until lunch time.

Also, there was an issue a while back where their landlord served them notice and they were struggling to find anywhere else. They contacted the council for help. There was a worry at the time that now DSD was an adult, she would be housed separately from the DM and siblings. Luckily, that didn't happen. DH said she could also move in here too to prevent that. But anyway, DH was worried at the time she'd be housed separate and would be unable to then save up, needing to use all her wages to pay rent and never be able to save up for her own place, etc.

Well, in the two years she's been working she hasn't saved a penny anyway. She's taken out a load of things on finance rather than paying for things outright and hasn't even managed to save 50 quid a month.

It's really bloody frustrating and honestly, I think she needs to grow up. She needs to work more hours, work independently from her DM, start saving up and stop sleeping in until lunchtime and dossing around on the sofa all day. She doesn't even know how to use a washing machine.

@Marcipex teach a young adult to be a better adult by behaving like a child. Brilliant.

I think she sounds quite depressed- sleeping all day, wearing the same smelly pjs again and again etc is depressive behaviour. And no wonder, as it sounds like she doesn't have much of a life at all- no relationships outside the family you said. Her behaviour is irritating and I agree with pp that you can and should set boundaries (eg if she wants to sleep all day do it in her bedroom, not the shared living room). But as you get on well and are close in age you could have an important role as a friend, talking to her about where she sees her life going/what she wants out of life, whats getting in the way of that, and how she could build up her confidence and get out there a bit more.

Of course its OPs business if an adult is in her home EOW!

I wouldn't 'call out' a flat mate for having a job (even if I did think was good enough), having their own money (but not enough of it for my standards) and their own life (so aren't in the flat that often). I wouldn't come to MN to have a bitch about any of that. And this isn't a flat share. It's a 20 years old young woman at home, with her father, and every other weekend she lies on the sofa. It's not even every week. It's not even every day. It's, at most, 4 days a month...For the sake of 4 days a month, the OP has come to MN to slag off her partners adult daughter for a whole host of things that don't actually affect her life. Just to be judgey. And in an attempt to get other women to slag off another young womans choices about work & money online...luckily it's not really worked out that way.

Yeah you grew up too quickly, when your husband cradle snatched you to be a nanny for his kids! Bloody hell, I'm sorry you didn't get chance to laze on the sofa a bit too!

I'd be disappointed in my child if they were as lazy as your DSD sounds

But I would be very upset for my child if they'd got together with a man twice their age and played mum at 20 rather than getting out and enjoying their youth

When the daughter was coming to the end of her college course 2 years ago did neither of her parents support her in getting the application in for the permanent role at the placement setting?

You’re trying to parent a peer. If you’re worried about her future, maybe look at advising and guiding her as a friend. Leave the parenting to your DP. Any concerns or irritating behaviour, raise with him. You don’t need to do her washing, but you can show her how to do it etc

I don't understand this, if she only visits you twice a month, how are you in a position of having to go into her bedroom to dig out dirty clothes that have been worn ten times without being washed? Does she have her own bedroom in a house she only visits twice a month? Does that room just stay empty for most of the year?

And why is she carting dirty clothes to a house that she doesn't live in?

She doesn't live with you and doesn't even visit that frequently so why do you have to wash her clothes? Surely if you don't, she'll just take them to her actual house where she lives, where presumably her mum is happy to wash them? Or does she leave dirty clothes in a house she doesn't live in, in which case just shove them in a black bin liner and make sure she takes them with her when she goes home.

A lot of people complain about young people going to university as a way to put off adulthood and adult responsibilities, yet you're complaining that at EIGHTEEN she found a full-time job, because you don't respect her job or consider it an appropriate job for an adult, even though she was only 18.

Personally I'd much rather have an 18yr old who was working full-time than one who shacked up with a man old enough to be her dad and was playing mummy to kids barely younger than herself. I don't see that as living a mature, adult life. I'm not sure why people are calling the SD lazy when she's been working full-time since the age of 18, just because she likes to lie on her dad's sofa occasionally.

May be you are frustrated because you are grieving for the loss of your youth and freedom that the
SD is experiencing. SD has made the choice to choose a job that provides work life balance.

And she has avoided taking on all the responsibilities that you had to take on when getting involved with a much older man.

I am not sure how this impinges on you or why you feel it needs to change in any way. Your OH and his ex-partner are parenting her as they see fit. You only have her there EOW. If you want to set some rules about jobs around your place when she is there, then that is fine.

The not picking up clothes thing is not great, but the job thing is unfair. I'm neurodiverse (ADHD ) and wasn't ' very adult ' in my twenties. I got an art degree, but then lived at home, doing random creative things and not earning much. Can't drive ( still) and had lots of lie-ins. My parents understood but I suspect some extended family thought about me what you think about your stepdaughter. That I was dossing around and had not grown up. I told my parents I would feel ready to leave home at age 30. At 28 I started training to be a secondary school art teacher. I did not feel ready before. I am now 30, I love being a teacher, and I rent my own place and have a long term partner. We are going to buy a property in next two years and get married. I feel confident that I will be able to achieve the status of head of department in the next few years. It would have been a horrible experience to be pushed to have full adult independence before I was ready. Some people are just slower to develop. My mum said that I had gained five years maturity in the last year. I replied that neurodiverse people have slower brain development/ maturity development.

If she is term time only is she a teaching assistant? As a teacher, we need teaching assistants/ support staff! We have had lots of trouble recruiting technicians for our art and DT department and it has caused us stress ! There is nothing wrong with working as one. Working with children is a skill, and an important one for society.

At least she is working. I’m not a fan of young people working in schools term time though.

The roles are poorly paid for what they are because they take advantage of people needing childcare. There’s little room for progression.
I’ve been a school business manager and seen young people get far too used to the long holidays and they fall behind their peers. They complain they can’t afford things like their friends because they just don’t work enough.

It would be better to be working more dynamic with other young people. Problem is she’s not your child to decide these things.

So she should be taking on a family at her age, like you did?

Your 'step-daughter' wasn't foolish enough to get tied down to a grown boy with kids who expects her to look after them even as adults. That was you.

I don't think she needs or wants life advice from someone who makes such poor decisions. I doubt she views you and your life as something to aspire towards.

At 20 her clothes are none of your business.
Leave them alone, you wouldn't be washing a flatmates clothes.

If she moans explain that.

Buy her a washing basket. My kids each got one for their 16th birthday, I'm such a kind mum!

I live with my dsd and she certainly does her own laundry, she doesn't lie on the sofa if we are home either (never told her she just knows it's rude). I did strike lucky, she even asked me if something happened to her dad can she stay with me, very sweet

I'd be interested to know what career the OP chose.

Perhaps it's because when I was 20, I was working FT and looking after her and her siblings, running a house, etc.

You're the one who made the mistake. You got old before your time.

OP it sounds like you settled too soon and DSD is a mirror of a life you might have had....but you are where you are, so focus on your 5 year old and let DH deal with DSD.

Sounds like texts Whatsapp might be the way to go here.
'Your room is absolutely stinking can you get it sorted next time you're here, I'd sooner not keep going in your room as you're 20 and it's inappropriate. You need your privacy and I'm not cleaning up after an adult'

The job is none of your business, it's weird how you repeated she can come whenever she likes and then repeatedly complained that she comes over on a regular basis EOW. That's whenever she likes.
Could even be she turns up cause she feels obligated to.

I think I'd rather my 19 year old hadnt grown up enough to have a full time job, than be going out with an at least 30 year old man who already had kids

This. In your 20s you still have a long life ahead of you and I don't get all the rush to leave the nest. I received a ridiculous amount of help from my parents growing up — they paid for uni, let me live with them all through my 20s so I could get a head start on the property ladder due not having to drown in rent the way my peers do, gave me a top up on my salary so I could save even more while still having enough to go on holidays etc.

I'm in my 30s now and I'd say I am far ahead of my peers. I have a much richer life experience having travelled all across the world, I own my own house outright, can comfortably support my family, and guess what? I am no less independent than any of them and I have less things to stress about.

There's this idea that just because you struggled in your 20s that your children have to struggle too because it's "character building". I disagree. Many other parents do everything to give their children every advantage in life. if you can give your kids a nice, happy, breezy life, why wouldn't' you?

I do wonder if somewhere deep down OP resents the SD because she represents the 20s she had missed out on.

Not your business