Step daughter needs to grow up!

[Frustrated2010]

DSD is 20. She's been out of education and working for two years now.

Prior to this she was doing a college course that involved work placements. Her last placement all but offered her a permanent role, all she had to do was complete an application form. She never got it sorted and miss out on the job.

Her DM then got her a job where she works. I said at the time I thought it was a bad idea. I thought DSD would benefit from finding a job off her own back and working elsewhere to her DM to gain independence. Also, the job was 30 hours a week, term time only. I didn't think that was a good idea either, going straight from education to a term time only role and not experiencing the standard 9 - 5, Full time, as most jobs are.

As it is, after two years of working, she has gained zero independence, her DM drives her there and back everyday. She hasn't forged any relationships of her own.

I half expected that she would stop coming to ours EOW now she's an adult. But she hasn't. She's aware she's welcome any time. She can stay whenever she wants, just turn up, let herself in, stay for dinner, etc. But no, she still just sticks to the original EOW. She stays up late on her phone and sleeps in until lunch time.

Also, there was an issue a while back where their landlord served them notice and they were struggling to find anywhere else. They contacted the council for help. There was a worry at the time that now DSD was an adult, she would be housed separately from the DM and siblings. Luckily, that didn't happen. DH said she could also move in here too to prevent that. But anyway, DH was worried at the time she'd be housed separate and would be unable to then save up, needing to use all her wages to pay rent and never be able to save up for her own place, etc.

Well, in the two years she's been working she hasn't saved a penny anyway. She's taken out a load of things on finance rather than paying for things outright and hasn't even managed to save 50 quid a month.

It's really bloody frustrating and honestly, I think she needs to grow up. She needs to work more hours, work independently from her DM, start saving up and stop sleeping in until lunchtime and dossing around on the sofa all day. She doesn't even know how to use a washing machine.

Who says it’s the op’s home? Given that she was barely legal when she moved in with a man in his 30’s and his 3 kids, I’m putting it out there that this is the daughters and her fathers home the op moved into. The daughters was there first and it’s more hers than the op’s

Possible but more likely that the exW stayed in the marital home as she does the majority of the childcare.

Anyway, we would not say that a 28 year old sharing a house with the father of her five year old could not call that house her home.

Only on MN would you get such outrageous comments slagging off a woman for "getting with a man" when she's virtually a child. Surely that is the fault of the man!!!

@Aylestone you seriously need to look at your moral compass and drop the disgusting bias against step mothers.

Does EOW mean she stays for the weekend or is it a full week?

If it's only a weekend then there's hardly any clothes to be washed unless she's bringing over a massive bag of laundry.

She probably likes the routine. She sounds like a pretty normal young person to me.

Crappy parenting probably isn't the cause.

Your DH is 50% her parent and she has 50% of his genes.
I get the feeling you don't tackle it with him though.

Can you think of ways to help her out with making new relationships or doing things at the weekends with her while her Dad minds the kids?

Does her Dad have any hobbies she can join in with?

She lives there, therefore it is her home.

What on earth are you taking about?

I agree it’s the fault of the man’s. But I wish people on here would stop being so ridiculous calling the op this woman’s stepmum and acting like she’s some sort of mother figure to her. They’re both in their 20’s ffs. They both live there, the 20yo daughter has a job. She’s allowed to sit on her own couch. The ops ended up in an unbelievably shit and stupid situation and is judging the other woman (using your own words) with her own moral compass.

She lives there and is married to him. They have a child together.

But of course, it’s MN SP. So someone had to say that it’s not her house it’s the (adult) SD’s and how dare the SM be anything other than desperately grateful than anyone tolerates her presence.

Give over.

We're tenants in common. Both our names are on the deeds. He used to rent before me. I put down the 30k deposit to enable us to buy a house and get a mortgage.

@Aylestone thing is if you truly believed the man was at fault you wouldn't be using the language are you "stupid and shit".

I can believe maybe op was on the younger side oh when she got with her dh. Did he take advantage? Probably.

But that doesn't mean that op isn't allowed to ask a adult to go have a wash, wash her own stinky laundry and stop loafing around and subjecting everyone to the smell that resides on the sofa. I wouldn't let my children do that frankly it's grim.

Two v separate issues.

If ops dsd has flatmates they certainly wouldn't be like oh we can't tell her she needs to wash and contribute like the other adults to the house because we aren't her mother.

I would suggest she does the above and if she complains maybe suggest she find some flatmates who don't mind the smell.

Oh. So additionally to him having quickly found a wife replacement in young woman decades younger than him to help raise his 3 kids, he also landed on his feet with a £30k lump sum from you and his names on the deeds.

And you’re stuck playing step-‘mum’ to another adult just a few years younger than you.

This situation sounds crackers and you sound like you’re providing your OH with a very plush scenario. Given you’ve got a young child together and co-own the house you paid for but you aren’t married, you need to be very careful as you’re in a v vulnerable position .

OP says the daughter has held down a job working in a school for two years. I'm not seeing anywhere where it says she used to have a job. OP's objection is that the job is only 30 hours a week, and the fact it's in the same place her mum works makes it not a proper independent job.

Daughter has held down a full-time job for two years, that's pretty good for a 20yr old. Who cares that her mum drives her to work.

Does EOW mean she stays for the weekend or is it a full week?

Every other weekend, OP clarified in a different comment that the daughter only visits twice a month.