DH wants to be friends with HCBM....A rant.

[worklifesupport]

Conversation with DH has left me so frustrated.

To give a bit of background, BM and DH spilt after there was infidelity on her side. There was a lot of hurt following the split. The year DH and I got together, there was a pattern between DH and BM. BM would try to be friends with DH in order to get something she wanted. DH would go along with it in the hopes that things would finally be amicable. BM would ask for something and DH would say no. Then shit would hit the fan....name calling, involving her family, withholding access to SK etc. This would leave DH upset and leave me to pick up the pieces. This pattern of behaviour continued until BM started to threaten to call the cops when she didn't get what she wanted. DH saw through this and decided to limit contact to just organizing custody arrangements for SK. The name calling continued but had less of an effect emotionally.

Fast forward to this week. I could tell that DH had been feeling down. Finally sat him down and asked him what was wrong. He said that he had been having text conversations with BM. The first conversations not about custody in over a year. He said that it had left him with conflicting feelings. He said that part of him wanted to have a go at being friends with BM. Part of him felt sorry for BM. Part of him wanted to help BM because she had been 'his best friend' for so long. It had emerged during these conversations that BM had spilt with her partner. DH was worried that she was just trying to be friendly to get something out of him.

I did at this point let a few tears slip. I explained that I was frustrated. DH had allowed BM to play havoc with his emotions and the mood in the house for months and now he was getting us back on that rollercoaster. DH said that my crying was making him uncomfortable with sharing his emotions. I said the thought of him not sharing this with me was making me uncomfortable.

I love him so much, I just hate that he allows all this drama and upset into our lives. It is possible to be friendly with your ex but not be friends.

Has anyone else been in a similar position?

this outrage is totally disingenuous.

She used an acronym. B could be biological or birth or baby.

She didn’t actually write a post insisting that the children’s mother is merely a ‘birth mother’.

Plus all these posters complaining they’re confused and have no idea what the OP is talking about with these acronyms, but utterly certain they should be offended and angry at her. 🙄

Fair enough, explain that on MN these pretty widespread acronyms are not viewed positively and explain the acronyms you feel are the MN-way but the main thing should be to respond to the actual situation being posted about.

This is like nitpicking on spelling, but with more faux moral outrage.

Hi all

Please could we ask for a bit of peace and love now?

You have married into a real mess where your relationship is not the main one.

You are a bit player in this drama.

Do not inflict this on a child.

Time to accept your reality and not allow it to mess with your future.

It gets so boring seeing people fall over themselves to criticise OP’s acronyms.

yawn.

Im sorry to say OP but I agree with those who have deduced he’s not over her.

See anyone who has come on just to lambast OP’s use of birth mother…grow up.

OP personally I would be angry at DH for wanting that. What does a friendship look like? My DH and my step children’s mum only have contact through a co parenting app and it’s strictly only about the children. If it’s just amicable for the sake of the children, that’s fine. However, does he want a social relationship with her or to be able to communicate about more than just the children or what is he looking for? I think that’s important and knowing this will allow you to gauge where he’s at. Tbh it’s disgraceful that he’s letting the relationship with his ex impact him like this. I could see if it it was affecting the children and in turn the affect on the children affected him but I don’t think that’s what’s happening here?

Sounds like he isn’t ready for a relationship at the moment and needs to work out his feelings regarding his ex and also come to a stable arrangement. I think you should take a break for a bit while he works it all out.