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Original poster

DH wants to be friends with HCBM....A rant.

81 replies

worklifesupport · 08/10/2023 00:29

Conversation with DH has left me so frustrated.

To give a bit of background, BM and DH spilt after there was infidelity on her side. There was a lot of hurt following the split. The year DH and I got together, there was a pattern between DH and BM. BM would try to be friends with DH in order to get something she wanted. DH would go along with it in the hopes that things would finally be amicable. BM would ask for something and DH would say no. Then shit would hit the fan....name calling, involving her family, withholding access to SK etc. This would leave DH upset and leave me to pick up the pieces. This pattern of behaviour continued until BM started to threaten to call the cops when she didn't get what she wanted. DH saw through this and decided to limit contact to just organizing custody arrangements for SK. The name calling continued but had less of an effect emotionally.

Fast forward to this week. I could tell that DH had been feeling down. Finally sat him down and asked him what was wrong. He said that he had been having text conversations with BM. The first conversations not about custody in over a year. He said that it had left him with conflicting feelings. He said that part of him wanted to have a go at being friends with BM. Part of him felt sorry for BM. Part of him wanted to help BM because she had been 'his best friend' for so long. It had emerged during these conversations that BM had spilt with her partner. DH was worried that she was just trying to be friendly to get something out of him.

I did at this point let a few tears slip. I explained that I was frustrated. DH had allowed BM to play havoc with his emotions and the mood in the house for months and now he was getting us back on that rollercoaster. DH said that my crying was making him uncomfortable with sharing his emotions. I said the thought of him not sharing this with me was making me uncomfortable.

I love him so much, I just hate that he allows all this drama and upset into our lives. It is possible to be friendly with your ex but not be friends.

Has anyone else been in a similar position?

OP posts:
Duckingella · 08/10/2023 00:33

Not your circus not your monkeys.

Do you have kids with your partner (that are both of yours?

icantchangetime · 08/10/2023 00:35

Do you have children? Any with him?

If not I'd take this as a reality check and leave. He clearly still has feelings for her and she knows how to yank his chain.

I think deep down you also know this.

Original poster
worklifesupport · 08/10/2023 00:40

That is very true! Just hate how easily I seemed to get dragged into it all. Think I need to be much firmer.

We do not have any kids of our own.

OP posts:
WhistPie · 08/10/2023 01:18

Who's BM? Brian May?

HirplesWithHaggis · 08/10/2023 01:36

Unlikely Brian May would be anyone's Birth Mother.

crumblingschools · 08/10/2023 01:38

Isn’t she just his ex or DC’s mum, don’t have to distinguish as BM

Worddance · 08/10/2023 01:39

I might leave and see if he noticed.

pikkumyy77 · 08/10/2023 01:42

Couples therapy? Or LTB.

EasterFlower · 08/10/2023 01:42

WhistPie - birth mother, I think. It is a bit confusing though, but it sounds like she's his ex.

He's being quite manipulative there OP. He wants you to listen to his woes about his ex but to not have a reaction to it other than sympathy. That's a bit much. She's his ex, he shouldn't be having any feelings about her at all! To want to lean on his wife over those feelings is taking the pee. You're not his number one, she is. She's where his head is at, his emotions are all about her. There's no consideration for you in all this. No caring about how you're feeling. No acknowledgment that you're being dragged along on this rollercoaster of emotions with him and how that isn't fair on you. It's all about him and her, the main act. You're the supporting act, his comfort blanket when he feels sad at not being able to have his number one. Comfort blankets don't have feelings do they. Except you're human so you do. He should never have married you 💐

Blackandwhitemakesgrey · 08/10/2023 01:43

I read this whole post confusedly thinking BM was Bridesmaid!

C'mon OP, you already know the answer. They have feelings for each other, probably unhealthy ones at that. Do you want to be in the middle of this muddle?

nobodysdaughternow · 08/10/2023 01:53

Yup, he has feeling for her.

He is painting himself as a victim, as evidenced by the "your hurt is making me not want to tell you" bollocks. He is basically telling you he doesn't care how you feel.

He's not very nice op. I'm so sorry because you sound lovely.

ImustLearn2Cook · 08/10/2023 01:54

Your partner can be friends with whoever he wants just as you can.

And people can be friends with their ex.

But, that isn’t really the main issue.

Your relationship sounds toxic. He shouldn’t be dragging you into his issues with his ex or his co parenting problems.

Save your sanity and leave the drama behind.

ImustLearn2Cook · 08/10/2023 02:01

I agree with @nobodysdaughternow He is painting himself as a victim, as evidenced by the "your hurt is making me not want to tell you" bollocks. He is basically telling you he doesn't care how you feel.

He is manipulative. How do you know if he isn’t complaining about you and making out that he is a victim to a horrible controlling girlfriend to others in the same way that he complains about his ex to you?

Ilovelifeverymuch · 08/10/2023 02:16

WhistPie · 08/10/2023 01:18

Who's BM? Brian May?

Haha seriously these acronyms make it hard to follow sometimes.

Dotcheck · 08/10/2023 02:21

For heavens sake, type out the words. It doesn’t take long and your phone will do most of the work for you.

SíDoMhamóí · 08/10/2023 02:38

What's HCBM? His Crappy Birth Mother?

Orange67 · 08/10/2023 06:17

I've missed the point here, but she's not the BM, she's just the kids mother and his ex, most importantly.

2jacqi · 08/10/2023 06:54

too many abbreviations to follow! who is HC? Who is BM? who or what is SK? no idea what is going on!

whichwayiwonder · 08/10/2023 07:00

I'm also confused. Why would you call his ex 'birth mother' let alone BH??!

whichwayiwonder · 08/10/2023 07:01

Ahhh BM not BH - now I'm adding to the confusion!!

Jewelanemone · 08/10/2023 07:02

2jacqi · 08/10/2023 06:54

too many abbreviations to follow! who is HC? Who is BM? who or what is SK? no idea what is going on!

I think SK is step-kids, maybe? BM is birth mother and I've no idea about HC 🙂

whichwayiwonder · 08/10/2023 07:05

His Children's Birth Mother? So odd.

Lwrenagain · 08/10/2023 07:10

His children's birth mum was how I read it.

OP the friends thing wouldn't arse me, both DP and I are friends with our and each others exes. However him saying your crying is an issue when he's opening up is weird, crying happens when discussing emotional topics, tell him to grow up, crying happens.

This is quite a strange one, I see how being friendly with BM benefits the DC and its nice to be on good terms with people we've loved, I don't see why it needs to be salty if can be amicable. However their friendship shouldn't be hurting you.
Maybe this topic you two could use a bit of meditation on? Good luck x

FriendsDrinkBook · 08/10/2023 07:10

Acronyms aside , op , I think you should consider breaking up. He could leave their relationship in the past and just speak with her to organise access , which in this situation sounds like the right thing for everyone. Instead he's creating constant drama , he's either a complete mug , or he still has feelings for her. Both are pretty unattractive in my opinion.

HettyWainty · 08/10/2023 07:19

She's their Mum, why are you referring to her as birth mother or biological mother?

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