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Original poster

DH wants to be friends with HCBM....A rant.

81 replies

worklifesupport · 08/10/2023 00:29

Conversation with DH has left me so frustrated.

To give a bit of background, BM and DH spilt after there was infidelity on her side. There was a lot of hurt following the split. The year DH and I got together, there was a pattern between DH and BM. BM would try to be friends with DH in order to get something she wanted. DH would go along with it in the hopes that things would finally be amicable. BM would ask for something and DH would say no. Then shit would hit the fan....name calling, involving her family, withholding access to SK etc. This would leave DH upset and leave me to pick up the pieces. This pattern of behaviour continued until BM started to threaten to call the cops when she didn't get what she wanted. DH saw through this and decided to limit contact to just organizing custody arrangements for SK. The name calling continued but had less of an effect emotionally.

Fast forward to this week. I could tell that DH had been feeling down. Finally sat him down and asked him what was wrong. He said that he had been having text conversations with BM. The first conversations not about custody in over a year. He said that it had left him with conflicting feelings. He said that part of him wanted to have a go at being friends with BM. Part of him felt sorry for BM. Part of him wanted to help BM because she had been 'his best friend' for so long. It had emerged during these conversations that BM had spilt with her partner. DH was worried that she was just trying to be friendly to get something out of him.

I did at this point let a few tears slip. I explained that I was frustrated. DH had allowed BM to play havoc with his emotions and the mood in the house for months and now he was getting us back on that rollercoaster. DH said that my crying was making him uncomfortable with sharing his emotions. I said the thought of him not sharing this with me was making me uncomfortable.

I love him so much, I just hate that he allows all this drama and upset into our lives. It is possible to be friendly with your ex but not be friends.

Has anyone else been in a similar position?

OP posts:
Fleabane · 08/10/2023 07:25

She's the children's mother, not their birth mother. It's really insulting to refer to her like that

Pinkyhairclip · 08/10/2023 07:26

He's still in love with her.

He wants to stay involved in her life as a 'friend' in case there's a chance.

You're being maintained as a option.

He will never admit this to you and will vehemently deny it but actions speak louder than words.

Don't be someone's plan B.

IncomingTraffic · 08/10/2023 07:37

HCBM is an acronym used (possibly mostly by people on the other side of the Atlantic) to refer to a ‘high conflict birth mother’. Or, in more MN terms, your husband’s nightmare ex.

@worklifesupport The problem here - as it almost invariably is - is your partner. He is enabling and encouraging the drama and chaos. And making you feel bad about being emotional about him choosing to have yet more of your life caught up with his lack of proper emotional separation from his ex.

Is this what you want from you life? Because this man is clearly still emotionally and practically enmeshed with the woman who was his ‘best friend’. As soon as she’s single again, he back to messaging her and choosing to have everything centre around their dysfunctional relationship.

Constant cycles of drama around him and his ex and you being made to feel bad about having any emotional needs in regard to it are what this relationship will always be. Decide whether you want that.

IncomingTraffic · 08/10/2023 07:38

Pinkyhairclip · 08/10/2023 07:26

He's still in love with her.

He wants to stay involved in her life as a 'friend' in case there's a chance.

You're being maintained as a option.

He will never admit this to you and will vehemently deny it but actions speak louder than words.

Don't be someone's plan B.

I think this summary is likely very accurate.

daisychain01 · 08/10/2023 07:41

DH said that my crying was making him uncomfortable with sharing his emotions. I said the thought of him not sharing this with me was making me uncomfortable.

you're feeding into the drama, none of this is about you.

Vilifying the ex isn't helping, there's always two sides to the story, I bet she isn't the devil incarnate.

And do please acknowledge her for who she is - she isn't the Birth Mother. She's the Mother.

CleoCha0man · 08/10/2023 07:46

Bloody hell! A woman posts in distress and half the responses are having a go about the acronyms she uses! It's not hard to work out what she means.

@worklifesupport I would let this one go. It does sound like his feelings over his ex are not completely resolved. You can have a much nicer life without him 💐

(Don't go worrying about who's won. Sounds like his life with her high conflict won't be rosy whatever he does)

IncomingTraffic · 08/10/2023 07:50

you're feeding into the drama, none of this is about you.

I think this is unfair. She expressed upset at him deciding to encourage yet more conflict with his ex. He shut her down. Told her she’s not allowed ti be upset because only his feelings matter.

This is the OP’s life. It should be about her.

The fact that her partner sees none of this being about her - so long as she quietly plays the role of emotional (and presumably sexual) support human while he figures out if he wants his ex instead.

In these situations, it’s all too easy for women to see it as the nightmare ex that’s the problem and miss the fact that their partner is the one allowing this shit to ruin their lives. This one is even blaming her for having any objections to her role as non-playable character in his ongoing messy divorce.

The OP should be thinking: this IS about me. I’m setting boundaries. I’m deciding that my life is not taking place in the shadow of this.

CattingAbout · 08/10/2023 07:51

WhistPie · 08/10/2023 01:18

Who's BM? Brian May?

It means 'bowel movement' where I work 😂

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/10/2023 07:57

Best man

Bridesmaid

Admit I got a little confused

Why did you just say his ex /mum or their kids

WorkCleanRepeat · 08/10/2023 08:15

I'd throw this one back. He's still emotionally invested in his ex.

PosterBoy · 08/10/2023 08:19

Who calls a mother a birth mother? A high conflict step mum HCSM I would imagine.

lotusflower77 · 08/10/2023 08:21

I read it as BM = baby mum/mother and SK = step kids.
Whatever the abbreviations are, he is clearly still emotionally invested in the ex and I would get out now whilst it's still a relatively new relationship and you have no ties to him. No relationship should be this difficult early on, it will only get worse and he clearly still has feelings for her and is giving her the power to cause more trouble down the line. OR he is the toxic manipulative one who says all ex's are 'crazy' when really he's enjoying all this, in which case you will become the next crazy ex at some point. Either way this isn't a healthy relationship xx

PosterBoy · 08/10/2023 08:22

Oh God Baby Mum, seriously? Grim

unsync · 08/10/2023 08:23

You don't say how long you've been together, but tbh the whole things sounds toxic so I'd be walking away from that.

lotusflower77 · 08/10/2023 08:25

PosterBoy · 08/10/2023 08:22

Oh God Baby Mum, seriously? Grim

I did think that too 😂 but I have heard young people use that phrase and once I realised it wasn't bridesmaid that's what I came up with.

Grimchmas · 08/10/2023 08:34

Him telling you that your feelings weren't allowed was manipulative and selfish of him. Of course it's valid for you to have feelings about your partner re-starting a toxic cycle when you know that you're going to be the one to have to deal with the emotional fall out.

I agree with the other people who managed to stay on topic think that he is still hung up on his ex and would dump you in a flash if she ever actually said let's get back together.

What with the emotional labour, being shut down about your feelings and needs and being his second option, I think you deserve better, OP.

Chunkychips23 · 08/10/2023 12:08

He either still has feelings for her or he’s so wrapped up in guilt, he feels like he has to be there for her. Either way, it’s a shit show for you and not something you want to be caught up in.

EasterFlower · 08/10/2023 13:04

2jacqi · 08/10/2023 06:54

too many abbreviations to follow! who is HC? Who is BM? who or what is SK? no idea what is going on!

OP must have come from another forum, those aren't MN acronyms. I'm not entirely sure, but it's weird to refer to someone who isn't adopted as having a birth mother so I'm wondering if it's meant to be baby-mama? Or if OP thinks of herself as the mother? I'd thought HC was her initials perhaps but maybe it means "his children"? SK is probably step-kids but we say SDC here.

CornishClott · 08/10/2023 13:07

Duckingella · 08/10/2023 00:33

Not your circus not your monkeys.

Do you have kids with your partner (that are both of yours?

It is because his moods are affecting their relationship.

SquirrelFeeder · 08/10/2023 13:46

He's def got feelings for her. Sorry OP

Neilhugs · 08/10/2023 19:44

Sorry I had totally the wrong end of the stick. Please ignore me.

IncomingTraffic · 08/10/2023 20:16

EasterFlower · 08/10/2023 13:04

OP must have come from another forum, those aren't MN acronyms. I'm not entirely sure, but it's weird to refer to someone who isn't adopted as having a birth mother so I'm wondering if it's meant to be baby-mama? Or if OP thinks of herself as the mother? I'd thought HC was her initials perhaps but maybe it means "his children"? SK is probably step-kids but we say SDC here.

Show quote history

On other forums BM or bio-mother is routinely used. HCBM is pretty standard - the HC his high conflict.

I really don’t believe that people on MN are as confused about this stuff as they passive aggressively like to claim.

The acronyms are really just a distraction.

Fleabane · 08/10/2023 20:20

I've never heard those acronyms. When you say 'other forums' do you mean ones for stepmothers? Because as a mother I find the term biological or birth mother when my children haven't been adopted or fostered deeply offensive.

The OP is their dad's wife. She is not and never will be their mother.

IncomingTraffic · 08/10/2023 20:30

HCBM is used on forums as mainstream as Reddit.

All the ‘I’m offended as a mother’ stuff that comes up as a distraction when a new poster wanders in and uses pretty standard internet acronyms is pretty tedious. I doubt these posters mean anything by using widespread acronyms.

You could even have googled and found it in urban dictionary (https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=HCBM) and maybe engaged with the substance of the OP’s post.

Urban Dictionary: HCBM

High Conflict Baby Mama A Baby mama who causes nothing but chaos; conducts herself in a dramatic manner, causing nothing but destruction wherever she goes.

https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=HCBM

Whattodo112222 · 08/10/2023 20:35

He's still in love with her.