Should DP tell DSD's mum we have got engaged?

[Whattodo17xx]

Just that really. My DP has just told DSD (9) that we've recently got engaged. We've been together 4.5 years & lived together for 3. DSD seemed absolutely fine with the news...typical kid really. Didn't see it as a massive thing I don't think and was out playing in the garden in the next breath!

DSD is due to go back to her mum's on Friday. I have to be honest, neither my DP or myself (though I understand it's not up to me) even thought about texting DSD's mum about the engagement, but a work colleague and a family member both asked me how his ex took the news. This took me a little by surprise I'll admit so presuming they thought we had told her already.

My question is, would you let the ex wife know? I know it's not totally relevant but I wouldn't say they have a great relationship and really have only ever communicated the bare minimum with each other...

Another classic, new woman must be insecure, isnt that just so easy to chuck around to circumnavigate why mummies feel the need to remain so relevant? How about rather than being insecure, we are entitled to our own boundaries in our relationships, like most people are, that don't include progress reports to the ex. Honestly, you are so textbook. Are you that insecure that you aren't important to your ex husband anymore that you have to insist on being included in his major life events out of "decency"?

Also, you didnt need to mention that you are a "first wife", it was pretty clear. But Im glad you making sure everyone knows you were No.1 made you feel better.

Yes polite to do so. I would say something along the lines of "just to let you know we have decided to get married, will let you know the arrangements as relevant to dsd once we have them, no timeframe yet." Obviously from your dp not you.

It's an FYI not for approval or otherwise

Dp's exw texted him to let him know despite the dc being adults, it's just polite.

Still ranting about nonsense.
I literally just stated that I'm the first wife, and a SM, I don't have an ex husband.
Mummies (and daddies) actually don't need to cling to relevance. They are relevant via their child.
I don't consider that DHs ex was in any way involved or consulted or included in our engagement. She was told it was happening so she could have her reaction in private then hopefully arrange her face for DSD, which she did. The end.

Haha hilarious that you are sticking by your incorrect assumption about me.

Im incorrect but you felt the need to state it. You are a walking contradiction. Trying to put me down to minimise my POV is not a valid argument, its a sign of poor communication skills. You should think about that.

You should think about why you assumed I was the ex just because I think your argument is wrong.
I felt the need to state it to correct your incorrect assumption, which you then missed entirely in the midst of your tirade.
Food for thought.

Given how invested you are, if you arent the ex now, you are certainly concerned you will be soon. Good luck with that.

Am I? I don't know. DH and I seem quite happy, ex seems quite happy, kids seem quite happy.
You sound a bit disgusted by your step kids existence on the other hand. Let's not unpack that baggage here though.

Yes, I think it’s really important that his ex knows. A parent remarrying can bring up lots of confusing emotions in a child (even if they seem happy/unaffected).

Her mum needs to know so that she can support her at her home too.

I have not spoken about my SC's in the slightest, merely my "disgust" surrounding entitled first wives/mothers. Yet another text book thing to throw around. My SC's are fantastic, looking forward to their new sibling and the eldest would rather live with us than his bio mother. Dont let that burn too much though.

My apologies, I mistook all the ranting about "mummies thinking they are important" and having kids being crap and trapping men who etc as bitterness. Obviously there is no bitterness in you. 🫣

Only bitterness through lived experience over the last 10 years. Living surrounded by "certain" unreasonable, unpleasant and self important people can have that effect on you. Maybe that's why my step son would rather live under our roof, who knows

I agree with this approach - just a polite heads up

I get that. Ex was a fucking nightmare when we got engaged and notched up when I got pregnant. Totally an issue with no longer being the "Mother of His Child" as you say.
Still, just because she was a knob to DH he wasnt going to be a knob to her and leave DSD in an awkward position. No chance.

And we didnt do that either, we didnt want the boys having news they were really happy about being stamped all over. But I have always felt it deeply upsetting the need to give our good news to someone that absolutely doesnt feel its good news. Its hurtful, I cant imagine when she went around telling people she was engaged, that they'd have been making spiteful comments about it. But thats something I've had to let go. And I guess I feel strongly that thats been hard for me to do so I dont advocate for other women having to bow down to ExW when its only to their own personal detriment. And thats the whole thing being a SM, very little of the good and a hell of a lot of putting all your own feelings aside for everyone else. Its been brutal and its changed me. Ive never said a bad word in front of them, only ever supported their mum, despite the nasty things the youngest has told me she has said (ADHD so very little filter), Ive had to be the best version of myself when I've been screaming inside. I wouldnt change it all now, but Im not sure I'd have done it all again.

Read the replies carefully and take the advice of the most rational sounding people. Congratulations.

You did the right thing by the kids and ultimately it didn't cost you anything as she was going to shit all over it either way whether she heard it from your DH or the kids so what was the difference?
There will be so many moments when your own child is here where you absolutely will have to hold the line where the ex is concerned, telling her you were engaged really was the least of it 💐

Agree with this.

Irrelevant. She's an adult. It's also slightly insulting to her to think she will need to process in private. She probably won't care.

Golden Uterus

@backagain23 and @screwballs perhaps you should start your own thread to continue your personal sniping match?

Personally I think it all depends really on so many factors. It concerns me that so many people are thinking along the lines that the ex should be told to “support” the dc and what they’re going through. I would assume that if the relationship is a longstanding and serious one the children will already be well established, and so an engagement shouldn’t be something which is going to affect them in any way. Why should it? Apart from the actual wedding day, nothing will really change for them. Pregnancy IMO is a different matter because that is a major change in their lives.

From my own DCs perspective, they actually knew before she did, because eXH told them he was going to propose and even showed them the ring. I think really to see how they would feel about it.

They didn’t really have much of an opinion really. Engagement meant very little to them, and although there was talk about the wedding etc after. And ten years on they’re still “engaged” with a child, and no talk of ever getting married so a big announcement or even a heads-up wouldn’t really have meant anything.

@BeenThereDoneThat101 oh are we not allowed to discuss the OPs question on this thread?
Got it. 🤗

Perhaps you shouldn't reignite conversations an hour and a half after they ended. Are you feeling left out?