Should DP tell DSD's mum we have got engaged?

[Whattodo17xx]

Just that really. My DP has just told DSD (9) that we've recently got engaged. We've been together 4.5 years & lived together for 3. DSD seemed absolutely fine with the news...typical kid really. Didn't see it as a massive thing I don't think and was out playing in the garden in the next breath!

DSD is due to go back to her mum's on Friday. I have to be honest, neither my DP or myself (though I understand it's not up to me) even thought about texting DSD's mum about the engagement, but a work colleague and a family member both asked me how his ex took the news. This took me a little by surprise I'll admit so presuming they thought we had told her already.

My question is, would you let the ex wife know? I know it's not totally relevant but I wouldn't say they have a great relationship and really have only ever communicated the bare minimum with each other...

It would be polite to do so

Yes!!

I mean you don't have to of course but probably just a common courtesy, if you're planning on not having a long engagement and actually planning a wedding you'd need to say then anyway as presuming the children will be involved etc.

I would-because it's a piece of information that affects their child.

Yep

Yes because she'll be dealing with the fallout of whatever feelings DSD has about it. Just a simple text from your DH is enough: "just to let you know we told DSD today the news that I asked @Whattodo17xx to marry me."

Yes. It is a courtesy to let them know - otherwise they risk being taken by surprise with any questions their child might have. The key is the child, who needs to feel comfortable that the adults in their life as far as possible get on and that this isn’t a big secret.

If she's likely to react negatively it's even more important to text ex before she collects her dd so that she can react negatively without her dd witnessing it.

Yes his ex Wife should know. As mentioned give her a chance to deal with any initial thoughts before her DD gets home.

It's none of her business.

Agreed. Sounds like the child at least has taken it in a mature way. That's something!

This, it might not be her business specifically but it would be nice to get it from him rather than her DD.

Yes she should be told as she parents the child too. I’d get him to text her a simple “just to let you know we have got engaged and told DD about it, we’ve asked her to be bridesmaid and the wedding date is ... or any other relevant information at this stage.

No, you don’t have to tell her anything.

She doesn’t need time to rearrange her face, it’s nothing to do with her

as a separated parent, on amicable terms with my ex I would want to know from him. Just so I knew what was going on in my kids life and I think big news like this shouldn’t be on the kids shoulders to take from one parent to the other.

Exactly this. If you don’t tell her, it falls to your step child to do so. It would be the mature thing for your DP to tell her. Nothing to do with whether she gets to have an opinion on this or not; everything to do with making sure that your step child is living in a situation where situations are clear and transparent.

DH did. He always made sure to tell DSD any big news first, then let the ex know. Often kids have meltdowns on returning to their RP and this is the kind of thing that could quite easily seem fine over the weekend then all the feelings come popping out all over mum when she asks "how was your weekend with dad".
You aren't asking for permission, you are informing her about something significant in her childs life.

But telling her is about protecting the DC, making sure any immediate reaction can be dealt with without DC seeing

Parents should be well adept at hiding reactions from DC.

If you do this, you’ll be setting a precedent, OP. They’ll think they have a right to be kept informed forever more. Don’t start, learn from my mistakes

There isn't a right or wrong answer here. It depends on her likely reaction and how it might affect the child.

If she's mentally unstable and not telling her first would result in an ugly scene in front of the child that telling her would stop then tell her.

If she's mentally stable and over your partner she'll be happy for you.

If she's mentally stable and not over your partner she'll be able to protect the child from her initial reaction but if you like her you might want to protect her from having to.

I would, yes. I get on reasonably well with my daughters father though so we've both spoken about things like introducing new partners, job changes, holiday arrangements, that type of thing. Not to ask permission, more so each other is aware of things that directly affect our daughter.

It’s shared information about the child.

Keep it simple and child focused.

we told child about our engagement during this stay. She had x questions which we answered. She seems to be taking news well

or something like that.

when it comes time to plan the wedding, if you need the ex’s cooperation with anything, get it first before getting child’s hopes set on things being a particular way.

Going against the grain here, long term step parent and we started off with the “let’s tell DC mum important news” stance. She in return tells DH nothing, he found out his kids had another sibling and were living with the new baby’s dad in a totally different town about 3 weeks after the baby was born.
Kids were told to keep it all a secret.

So now we tell kids any important news and their mum finds out from them.

I personally think if they have an amicable relationship then a quick heads up is fine. If they don’t have a relationship past logistical comms then I really wouldn’t bother. Most adults are perfectly capable of maintaining a poker face for the benefit of their child.

This ^

We never told dsd mum. It’s nothing to do with her.

We never told dsd mum. It’s nothing to do with her.

but the father of her child is getting married. So it is something to do with her…