Should DP tell DSD's mum we have got engaged?

[Whattodo17xx]

Just that really. My DP has just told DSD (9) that we've recently got engaged. We've been together 4.5 years & lived together for 3. DSD seemed absolutely fine with the news...typical kid really. Didn't see it as a massive thing I don't think and was out playing in the garden in the next breath!

DSD is due to go back to her mum's on Friday. I have to be honest, neither my DP or myself (though I understand it's not up to me) even thought about texting DSD's mum about the engagement, but a work colleague and a family member both asked me how his ex took the news. This took me a little by surprise I'll admit so presuming they thought we had told her already.

My question is, would you let the ex wife know? I know it's not totally relevant but I wouldn't say they have a great relationship and really have only ever communicated the bare minimum with each other...

My partner probably wouldn’t tell his ex, because she’s a difficult individual.

I would probably mention it to my ex, wouldn’t get much of a reaction “oh, right. Second time lucky” sort of thing.

This thread is nuts. I don’t have a golden uterus, nor am I an entitled first wife. I’m actually wife number 2 of 3 (us wives aren’t the problem 😂) but I think I would like to know, I think ex would tell me as well.

My kids often appear to take things in their stride but let it all out to me when they get home. For that reason I’d like a small heads up to best think of ways to support them if they do struggle with the news/changes.

You wives are never the problem, always those terrible, awful men that you chose to marry.

You do not need a small heads up from your ex. The kids will let you know. That is sufficient. Whether you would like your ex to let you know under the guise of it somehow being best for the kids that you are up to date on all the gossip is irrelevant, you are not entitled to any information relating to your Exs new relationship.

100%. Everyone on here says that things aren’t the step parents business, well this isn’t the business of the ex wife. Common courtesy would say to tell her but you are not obliged to.

Just general common courtesy but common sense seems to disappear when people separate. Am not sure why people seem to revert to childlike behaviour and need to keep secrets.

Some DCS will take it in their stride, others will struggle.

Your fiance should tell his ex just so his DD doesn't have to do it. If his ex find out from DD she might be angry.

Why? They’ve no right to be angry it’s nothing to do with them.

Angry about what? If shes angry, thats a her emotion, its no one elses problem. I dont spend my life pre warning everyone in it of my every movement just so they can adjust their faces appropriately.

It's the child's problem 🙄

Not unless the mother makes an issue of it? All the worrying about the child having to tell the parent is all the same issue - the reaction of the mother. That’s not for a child to worry about, as said upthread, parents should be used to hiding adverse reactions from children.

Oh god please dont start again, shes literally said the child is fine. There is no problem. If there was a problem, fine, but there isnt, child is happy. Therefore no problem and no need to "warn" the mum.

You just said it was Mums problem if she was angry. I'm just suggesting that it might be an issue for a child to be told news they are happy about only to have to be the one to tell their mum and she loses her shit.

Yes, shitty of her blah blah blah, still potentially leaving the child in a crap position totally needlessly. Just because mum is shit, doesn't mean dad has to join in and leave his dirty work to his child.
If news of an engagement is merely gossip and what does it matter to you who shares it? It could matter alot to the child though. Or it might not matter, either way its not your child left to deal with it so what do you care.

If my dd told me her dad was engaged I would not be bothered one bit but would be positive infront of her.

Literally did not care when my ex remarried. He told me but if he had left it to my dd, wouldn't have minded either.

It's really none of my businesse either but I don't need anyone to manage my feelings - my ex or my child as I do that for myself.

Gives me the ick personally when people get affronted at things that aren't about them (ex getting married having baby etc) but that's just me/

I wouldn’t be interested in an exes engagement to be honest. I’d expect to be told if children were being introduced to a new partner or they were moving in together. That’s a big change for children and I’d also show the same courtesy if it was the other way around. Other than that, why would anyone give a s* . They are an ex for good reason.

I honestly feel like this should be the norm, but still refreshing to hear. I feel like people that think that its decency or owed to them feel so because they've never let go.

@Screwballs personally bad behaviour is so normalised in our society it blows my brain.

Im ND but I also don't expect any special rules or accommodations for me (not that would ever happen tbh). I just think slightly differently that's all.

I have noticed MN has a weird thing on here which is "mum" can do no wrong and "dad" can do no right and people often suggest outright or subtly that mums emotions need to be managed at all times by dad and is wife. When realistically they are her emotions to manage like everybody else.

Personally if someone's grown enough to have children, they are grown enough to manage their own emotions. Even if you hate your ex, surely you do it for your kids right ?

Even if you hate your ex, surely you do it for your kids right ?
But sending a quick text saying "getting married next year, told the kids, they seem happy", apparently is a step too far.

PP has outright stated that she wouldnt give a crap either way, on the basis of this being what normal behaviour looks like, that ex's are ex's for a reason and their personal lives have very little bearing on each other, why would the mum need a quick text. As PP said, and I completely agree, why are we molly coddling this shitty behaviour rather than expecting adults to behave like adults by not kicking off at news that doesnt affect them?

It is the MN glorification of mother and demonization of father/step-mother, pure and simple.

I mean I think tbh it's personal perspective.

I don't think I'm owed anything by anyone in this world. Again I don't believe people need to report their life events to me if they don't want to.

And before anyone comes at me. I had this exact thing happened, and my ex married the OW. I don't play pretend I don't have feelings for my ex. I literally do not care and why would him getting married effect me so much I had to be told 😵‍💫

It's. Not. About. You.
My DSDs ex kicked off, not because she has feeling for DH but I suspect because it cemented the situation for DSD and she had no control over it, she no longer trumped me as Mother of His Child, all sorts of stuff stirred up.
It was no skin off my nose who told her it was happening, but I'm glad things were made that bit easier for DSD. I don't care about her mother's feelings really, not my concern.
We didn't check with ex what her feelings would be, she probably wouldn't have knowm herself in advance if it happening.

Why are you so angry? Chill out.

I don’t think pregnancy is ‘gossip’ I kept my SD mums updated on my pregnancy. Gave her the heads up I felt she deserved. Good job I did as well as SD didn’t cope very well at all, and it gave her mum a chance to prepare for when she got home. It’s okay that you don’t think that’s an appropriate course of action. But it’s also okay that many others do think it is. Your way of doing things is right for you, not everyone.

People do what’s right for them, in our situation acting like adults not stompy grumpy children was the preferred course of action.

And no ‘you wives’ as you so eloquently put, aren’t the problem, the problem was and always him. He raped, terrorised and abused all of us and used pregnancy as his foot on the door.

@Backagain23

"It's. Not. About. You*"
*
If you didn't grasp what I said and that I get that then 🤯.

A dad is equal parent to mum and if DSc has any issues I fully expect him to reassure his child. DSc may not even register that they need to tell mum. If mums gonna blow up over this, then regardless of whether dad sends a text or DSc tells them - DSc will bare witness to that and that can't be stopped by dad tell her.Unreasonable people don't suddenly become reasonable over night and sadly for any DSc they will see their mothers emotions on it regardless of how mums told.

Everyone's assuming that mums will automatically feel slighted/jealous at the news of wedding etc im just pointing out not every mum will and some won't care if they get told by text or by grapevine.
And chances are the ones that won't feel slighted are the ones who will receive a text from because they have the ability to act like adults.

The default position should be every adult can act like a adult. Everyone has a different set of circumstances that will lead to them making different choices, if you have a Uber combative mum the reason she's not told is because of her past behaviour . That's not suddenly dads being shit.

There isn't a rule book on these things with blended families - each to their own.

But Dad should be able to manage DSc emotions when he tells them (if they care a particular way or not) - mums feelings are gonna be priority and if DSc feel like they have to manage mums feelings on the topic that's a giant 🚩 and the focus needs to be on DSc not on mum.