Page 6 | Should DP tell DSD's mum we have got engaged?

Whattodo17xx · 2023-09-13T15:05:54+00:00

Just that really. My DP has just told DSD (9) that we've recently got engaged. We've been together 4.5 years & lived together for 3. DSD seemed absolutely fine with the news...typical kid really. Didn't see it as a massive thing I don't think and was out playing in the garden in the next breath! DSD is due to go back to her mum's on Friday. I have to be honest, neither my DP or myself (though I understand it's not up to me) even thought about texting DSD's mum about the engagement, but a work colleague and a family member both asked me how his ex took the news. This took me a little by surprise I'll admit so presuming they thought we had told her already. My question is, would you let the ex wife know? I know it's not totally relevant but I wouldn't say they have a great relationship and really have only ever communicated the bare minimum with each other...

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namechangnancy · 16/09/2023 07:08

Mums feelings are not going to be the priority **

cupofdecaf · 16/09/2023 08:06

I think she should be told because you will legally become her child's step parent.
It changes things slightly though without applying to court you wouldn't t have parental responsibility.
You will be legally recognised though in a way you currently aren't.
It can effect inheritance for example, who the child can marry is another.
People are very casual about marriage in my view they don't realise that legally it's a big thing. It makes you one legal person in some instances, changes your rights, property ownership and next of kin.

Backagain23 · 16/09/2023 10:36

namechangnancy · 16/09/2023 07:06

@Backagain23

"It's. Not. About. You*"
*
If you didn't grasp what I said and that I get that then 🤯.

A dad is equal parent to mum and if DSc has any issues I fully expect him to reassure his child. DSc may not even register that they need to tell mum. If mums gonna blow up over this, then regardless of whether dad sends a text or DSc tells them - DSc will bare witness to that and that can't be stopped by dad tell her.Unreasonable people don't suddenly become reasonable over night and sadly for any DSc they will see their mothers emotions on it regardless of how mums told.

Everyone's assuming that mums will automatically feel slighted/jealous at the news of wedding etc im just pointing out not every mum will and some won't care if they get told by text or by grapevine.
And chances are the ones that won't feel slighted are the ones who will receive a text from because they have the ability to act like adults.

The default position should be every adult can act like a adult. Everyone has a different set of circumstances that will lead to them making different choices, if you have a Uber combative mum the reason she's not told is because of her past behaviour . That's not suddenly dads being shit.

There isn't a rule book on these things with blended families - each to their own.

But Dad should be able to manage DSc emotions when he tells them (if they care a particular way or not) - mums feelings are gonna be priority and if DSc feel like they have to manage mums feelings on the topic that's a giant 🚩 and the focus needs to be on DSc not on mum.

I absolutely agree the default position should be that everyone behaves like a grown up.
It's just that my take on being a grown up (and DHs too, thankfully) is that telling his ex about a significant event in her childs life was the right thing to do, not leave it for her to find out via DSC or another family member.
It's fairly well known that many DC will seem fine over the weekend at the NRPs only to have a meltdown when they go back their RP. DH did this as a child and DSC has done it too. It's only fair to let the other parent know about significant things that have happened that weekend.
Not all DSC, not all Exs, not all NRP. I just can't understand what's so controversial about simple, factual communication about a mutual child's life. It's not setting a great precedent at all.

yogasaurus · 16/09/2023 11:05

cupofdecaf · 16/09/2023 08:06

I think she should be told because you will legally become her child's step parent.
It changes things slightly though without applying to court you wouldn't t have parental responsibility.
You will be legally recognised though in a way you currently aren't.
It can effect inheritance for example, who the child can marry is another.
People are very casual about marriage in my view they don't realise that legally it's a big thing. It makes you one legal person in some instances, changes your rights, property ownership and next of kin.

Step parent means you are married to someone who already had children.

That’s all.

There’s no rights or responsibilities conferred with it.

Inheritance is FA to do with an ex.

NewNameNigel · 16/09/2023 16:17

yogasaurus · 16/09/2023 11:05

Step parent means you are married to someone who already had children.

That’s all.

There’s no rights or responsibilities conferred with it.

Inheritance is FA to do with an ex.

Show quote history

Loads of posters here seem to think that step parent is a legal status but it's not. It's not recognised in law. Being married to someone with children doesn't give you any kind of legal right to them.

As a wise poster on here once put it - Step parent is a social construct not a legal one, it has the same legal weight as boyfriend.

I'm really confused by the poster who says it affects who the child can marry.
As, far as I'm aware it's not illegal for step siblings who don't share a parent to marry.

namechangnancy · 16/09/2023 17:23

@Backagain23 I actually think we are agreeing.

I suppose the only caveat that maybe we do disagree on is that if someone doesn't want to share with the ex for whatever reason that doesn't mean they aren't a adult or morally a hideous person in my mind etc. It's just usually means there's some historical behaviours at play that means this information isn't shared freely. I have seen this swing both ways with mum not wanting to tell her ex that she's engaged as her ex was fairly poisonous and would make a scene.

I don't judge her for it and I wouldn't judge a dad for it in the reverse.

It's a nice thing to do to loop in the ex, but it's not something in my mind every has to do because it's a "rule". People get to make decisions that impact their world free of judgement as ultimately it's them that faces the consequences.

You reap what you sow and it's great you guys have a good working relationship with mum in your world.

That's not always the case not through the fault of dad or sm , that's sometimes because mum is hostile and actually realistically a text wouldn't change the reaction and sometimes inflame things (obviously the example above can and does happen with the genders reversed)

I do work with dv victims so that may colour my judgment somewhat.

Anyway we can agree to disagree on the latter point 😊

Backagain23 · 16/09/2023 17:36

namechangnancy · 16/09/2023 17:23

@Backagain23 I actually think we are agreeing.

I suppose the only caveat that maybe we do disagree on is that if someone doesn't want to share with the ex for whatever reason that doesn't mean they aren't a adult or morally a hideous person in my mind etc. It's just usually means there's some historical behaviours at play that means this information isn't shared freely. I have seen this swing both ways with mum not wanting to tell her ex that she's engaged as her ex was fairly poisonous and would make a scene.

I don't judge her for it and I wouldn't judge a dad for it in the reverse.

It's a nice thing to do to loop in the ex, but it's not something in my mind every has to do because it's a "rule". People get to make decisions that impact their world free of judgement as ultimately it's them that faces the consequences.

You reap what you sow and it's great you guys have a good working relationship with mum in your world.

That's not always the case not through the fault of dad or sm , that's sometimes because mum is hostile and actually realistically a text wouldn't change the reaction and sometimes inflame things (obviously the example above can and does happen with the genders reversed)

I do work with dv victims so that may colour my judgment somewhat.

Anyway we can agree to disagree on the latter point 😊

The ex was hostile, everything was a problem, no stone unturned in the search for the next fight, messing with contact, lawyers involved yada yada yada.
I actually think it was DH continuing to do the right thing by DSD regardless of everything else going on that led us to the good working relationship we have today, including telling her whats going on in her childs life.
Tit for tat "well the mum got married without letting us know so what does she expect" is childish and not going to lead anywhere good in the long run.
Clearly there has to be an element of both parties wanting to do right by the child, some people will always be belligerent dickheads no matter how much respect they are shown.

pythongreenporsche · 16/09/2023 17:38

I think you should as a courtesy. I have only bad feelings towards my ex but I was still shocked and struggled to hide it when DD told me he was engaged and she was pregnant. In my defence they'd only been together 4 months but I just remember being on a national express with DD6 and saying oh my god on repeat for a good hour.

uneffingbelievable · 16/09/2023 21:42

Why do people think children should compartmentalise their lives and be responsible for communicating major changes in their lives which one parent has decide to do to them - which may or may not have a major impact on them.

Simple common courtesy- parents may split up and move one but their actions still impact on the joint children which then impacts on either sides of the DCS family.

Bannannaa · 17/09/2023 10:05

DP’s ex let us know they got engaged, which was fine, up to them, but they chose a special time of year to do it, in an OTT show (with crying) in front of the DC, and told us 10 mins before pick up which really chaotic in all honesty! So we picked up the kids, it had literally just happened, and then we had to go off to a family event where it was the main topic of conversation the whole day from 2 bamboozled kids instead of just spending normal time with DP’s side of the family. Sometimes I feel like people do forget that engagements are usually only romantically special to 2 people 😑

Anyway yes tell her, it doesn’t sound like you are re-enacting a scene from a movie as it is anyway 🤣

Whyohwhywyoming · 17/09/2023 21:17

DH told his ex, and I told mine even though he barely sees the DCs

she said that I was an idiot for marrying him, the proceeded to start telling DH what we should do for our wedding, and people she knew that did certain things, wedding services etc!

irritating as it was there was no way around it