Should DP tell DSD's mum we have got engaged?

[Whattodo17xx]

Just that really. My DP has just told DSD (9) that we've recently got engaged. We've been together 4.5 years & lived together for 3. DSD seemed absolutely fine with the news...typical kid really. Didn't see it as a massive thing I don't think and was out playing in the garden in the next breath!

DSD is due to go back to her mum's on Friday. I have to be honest, neither my DP or myself (though I understand it's not up to me) even thought about texting DSD's mum about the engagement, but a work colleague and a family member both asked me how his ex took the news. This took me a little by surprise I'll admit so presuming they thought we had told her already.

My question is, would you let the ex wife know? I know it's not totally relevant but I wouldn't say they have a great relationship and really have only ever communicated the bare minimum with each other...

It has zero material impact on children, she said herself the kids 9 and doesnt care. Mine were both thrilled. Its nothing to do with their mother. She didnt tell us when she got engaged, she didnt even bother to let us know when she TOLD us we were taking the kids for two weeks in school time (after she moved an hour away) that it was for her wedding and subsequent honeymoon. Part of having children is being mature enough not to be a bitch.

Maybe take the last line of your post as advice for yourself :)

Ah, I would, but BM loves a good scrap and who would deny her that.

She doesnt need any courtesy, she is not relevant. She should be extended as much courtesy as the guy at the counter in my corner shop, because he'll not be getting an invite either. If she cant manager her own emotions, thats on her. Why these women think that once they are split, their ex owes them anything is beyond me. Child, yes, but the ex? Hardly. Im sure she isnt seeking approval for her own life decisions, so why should the man continue to? Its controlling bullshit, all so the ex can still feel important.

We didn't tell either of our ex partners. The kids mentioned it in passing and that was it.

I've zero feelings about my ex getting married again or not, and I don't expect to be told (or invited).

Agree.

Also just because you are engaged doesn't mean you will get married soon or ever.

I know some people who have been engaged for over a decade......

Thanks everyone for your replies! It's very interesting hearing from different perspectives.

The only thing that feels weird for me is, that because they hardly communicate at all (prob every 2 months max), part of me feels like if DP was to message it would be sort of rubbing it in?

But then again, she has been known to bad mouth DP so I'd rather DSD didn't hear this. Although I do feel that even if we told her in advance, I don't think that would change what she had to say about it to DSD...

I would because it's likely that their daughter will be heavily involved and it might change contact times depending on when things are happening if you want DD to be involved in the planning - so it'd be super helpful to have her on board (or at least not against!) from the start.

Isn't about her being his ex, he's got no reason to go through all his other ex's and let them know hes getting married. Just the one who gave birth to his child. It's about the child, not the ex. It's also informing, not asking for approval.

If the mother has a history of poor behaviour where it concerns the child's other parent then the wedding has to be in normal contact times.

I know children who have told the parent who was getting married, not to tell their other parent due to that other parent's behaviour history.

The child knows and couldnt give a rats arse, so whats your point exactly? Why does Mother need to know?

It's about the child, not the ex.

This. It's to ensure the child isn't the one breaking the news and stumbling into some kind of negative reaction.

Because it's basic decency? I'm terribly sorry if that's lost on you but I'm not sure how to break it down any further.

Important so that the child doesn't get their head bitten off when they mention it.

Let your other half be on the receiving end of any snapping and out bursts and don't put the child in the position of being the messenger

Just the one who gave birth to his child.

Wondered when this would get rolled out. ‘Mother of his child’ has zero significance. Just another way for exes to think they still have any position of importance/relevance.

They don’t.

You arent sure how to break it down any further than basic decency? You mean you cant justify why it would be decent for an ExH to tell his ExW that he is marrying someone else despite it having no effect on her life at all and being absolutely irrelevant to her day/life. Great argument there, good job.

These are all yet more manipulative statements from bitter ex wives, using their children as some form of control over the father. It is nothing to do with the mother and only an ex wife would sit there thinking they had some sort of right to know because of supposed decency. DP's ExW didnt feel it was the decent thing to do to let her childrens father know she was getting engaged, but I assume you think thats totally different.

We did let his ex know as it happens, but only so she could get the vile spew out of her system before my stepchildren got home.

They do to their child.
Even if the "ex" was two pumps and a squirt on drunken night rather than an ex wife, she's the childs parent. It's not about the ex factor, her significance to the guy she had sex with years ago, control blah blah.
Nurserys have apps detailing the frequency of the shitty nappies that day and people really think that a parent getting married isn't of any significance to a child?

We did let his ex know as it happens, but only so she could get the vile spew out of her system before my stepchildren got home
Exactly. Basic decency. Protect the kids. It's not about her.

This,100%. The self importance is unreal. Why do women act like having a child was some sort of selfless gift to the father, like it wasnt something they pushed for and wanted for themselves in the first place? Is it because the reality is that having a kid sucks and once they realise that, it becomes the dads fault rather than lying in the bed that they made?

DP's ExW didnt feel it was the decent thing to do to let her childrens father know she was getting engaged, but I assume you think thats totally different
You assume wrong. She's a knob.

This thread is insane and extremely illuminating.

Ranting on about nonsense now.

Unfortunately it doesn't always work like that.

Have you no one else to bore. Its not nonsense, its fact. The whole "mother of his child" crap is so tiresome, its never relevant for the poor fathers, imagine blokes rampaging around the same as women going "but im the father of her child, I should be important"

It's not fact, it's you having a tantrum.
I'm a first wife, my DH told his ex GF he was marrying me and he he didn't tell the random ones from god knows when, he told the one whose childs life was going to be affected.
I can't understand why you are getting in a tizz over a quick text, why are you so insecure? 🤷‍♀️