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Original poster

Should DP tell DSD's mum we have got engaged?

136 replies

Whattodo17xx · 13/09/2023 16:05

Just that really. My DP has just told DSD (9) that we've recently got engaged. We've been together 4.5 years & lived together for 3. DSD seemed absolutely fine with the news...typical kid really. Didn't see it as a massive thing I don't think and was out playing in the garden in the next breath!

DSD is due to go back to her mum's on Friday. I have to be honest, neither my DP or myself (though I understand it's not up to me) even thought about texting DSD's mum about the engagement, but a work colleague and a family member both asked me how his ex took the news. This took me a little by surprise I'll admit so presuming they thought we had told her already.

My question is, would you let the ex wife know? I know it's not totally relevant but I wouldn't say they have a great relationship and really have only ever communicated the bare minimum with each other...

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fairyfluf · 14/09/2023 06:18

I would so the child doesn't feel torn about telling her

fairyfluf · 14/09/2023 06:19

Just a text from DH. Hi ex just so you know we've told LO that we are engaged.

fairyfluf · 14/09/2023 06:19

Ponderingwindow · 13/09/2023 21:45

It’s shared information about the child.

Keep it simple and child focused.

we told child about our engagement during this stay. She had x questions which we answered. She seems to be taking news well

or something like that.

when it comes time to plan the wedding, if you need the ex’s cooperation with anything, get it first before getting child’s hopes set on things being a particular way.

That's perfect

stayathomer · 14/09/2023 06:20

Definitely! You’re all linked because of dsd!

BethDuttonsTwin · 14/09/2023 06:20

I probably would have done just so she’s prepared in case her child wants to discuss it with her. You never know with kids. He might be largely absolutely fine or he might feel a bit sad that this means for sure his parents will never be together again.

fairyfluf · 14/09/2023 06:21

@crumpet - I agree- this about the child here not the ex.

NeedTheSeaside · 14/09/2023 06:36

Text takes seconds, less time than you've spent on this thread. Tell DF (congratulations 🥂🍾) to just do it.

DSD might have Big Feelings about it when she gets back to her Mum. Giving her Mum the heads up is the decent thing to do.

DSD might be happy while she's at yours, but she might get upset when she gets back to her Mum's because any tiny hope she might have had her Mum & Dad might get back together (no matter how unrealistic) will be shattered & she might get upset for her mum too, so giving her Mum a bit of time to get her game face on, can only be a good thing for DSD.

of course, DSD might not be at all bothered, but no harm done if you've already told her mum is there?

MeridianB · 14/09/2023 07:59

It's a courtesy to tell her to avoid putting DSC in a tricky position.

Chunkychips23 · 14/09/2023 08:35

Based on DSD age, yes it would be best to inform her Mum.

My DH didn’t tell his ex directly, but his kids aren’t young children and he’d spoken with them at length about getting engaged and their feelings over the months prior to actually proposing to me. So when it happened, it wasn’t a shock or surprise to the kids.

smilesup · 14/09/2023 08:40

We told DSSs mum and invited her to the wedding. She declined the invite politely but said she appreciated the gesture. It was important to her to know, especially as DSS (then aged 8) was one of the "best men". He practiced his speech with her and very funny it was too. 😁

beAsensible1 · 14/09/2023 08:48

yes you should. its not fair to make a 9 year old either have to be the go between or feel like they have to hide it.

simple text, "myself and Whattodo17xx are engaged, have told DD."

Bleepbloopbluurp · 14/09/2023 08:52

Of course you should. DSD might have feelings she needs to discuss with her mum. Plus if DSD will be involved in the wedding her mum needs to know. It simply isn't fair to leave it to a 9 year old to communicate between her parents.

Certainlyreally · 14/09/2023 08:52

yogasaurus · 13/09/2023 19:33

Parents should be well adept at hiding reactions from DC.

If you do this, you’ll be setting a precedent, OP. They’ll think they have a right to be kept informed forever more. Don’t start, learn from my mistakes

Show quote history

Its something that is quick and easy to do. Its not a big - btw DP and I are engaged.

Why be arsy about it? Uness ex is an arse, then by all means go for it, otherwise be the grown up

Scribl · 14/09/2023 08:56

My kids were blasé to their dad about the news but brought all their questions, both positive and negative, home to me.

Please don't discount that. Give her a heads up. It's a good way to model adult communication.

BungleandGeorge · 14/09/2023 08:59

I would because I don’t think it’s fair on the child to have to put them in a potentially awkward position of telling their other parent or wondering whether they should tell them. Just send a text, not a big deal

Pleaseme · 14/09/2023 09:22

Skogrammy · 14/09/2023 06:02

This ^

We never told dsd mum. It’s nothing to do with her.

Show quote history

It’s do to do with the child though. I’d expect to be told major things that might effect my dc. Ex-mil slowly dying in hospital isn’t really my business but does effect the Dc. Engaged. Having a baby. Getting married. Wanting to go on holiday and swap dates. It’s just normal communication surely?

Im divorced but happy to give the ex a quick rundown of stuff before dc go over and expect the same courtesy. Generally it’s Homework, issues at school, social invites that land on his time. Upcoming trips, please can I have the kids on x date type stuff.

A quick have told X we are engaged. Wedding should be in Y. Will let you know once we’ve confirmed dates would suffice.

EggInANest · 14/09/2023 09:35

They are parents to a shared child.

Yes, tell her. Just a text ‘just to let you know that I have told Dd that xx and I have arranged to marry next year. Hope all well, yy’

Apart from the parenting aspect, it might help to have her co-operation if you want to change access to facilitate being a bridesmaid, going on honeymoon etc.

The child will have a step mum legally married to her Dad. She can legally be treated as a ‘child of the family’ for some circumstances. It’s a change. Tell the other parent.

sunshinesummers · 14/09/2023 11:15

Congratulations!!!!!

To be honest, it never even crossed ours or the childrens minds when we got engaged that my now husband needed to give his ex the heads up. We told them when they were with us, and they were happy & totally fine, and next time at pick up ex said congratulations to my husband and that was it.

In the time between us getting engaged and my pregnancy though, she became quite volatile so we decided to give her the heads up. I really didn't want to, as it felt quite a personal thing to share with someone who I hardly know (and who hasn't been the nicest about me), but we agreed we would for the sake of the kids it would be best as she could be quite unstable. Unfortunately we found out at the 12 week scan we lost the babies so it felt like we had been doing a lot of worrying for nothing, and we never told the kids about the miscarriage.

I think it depends on your situation and how ex will react and what the kids need you to do, although I understand how hard it is to share lovely news with someone you think may not be kind about it.

"Hi X, just to let you know @Whattodo17xx and I are engaged, we've told the kids."

Seashellies · 14/09/2023 11:17

Yes as his child might need supporting with the news and it avoids putting them in an awkward position. Just a simple 'hi we have let x know we are engaged' or something.

Screwballs · 14/09/2023 12:04

It doesnt though does it, thats just crap ex wives spout to make sure they are still consulted on plans that have nothing to do with them.

Screwballs · 14/09/2023 12:05

This is the more pertinent and the same reason we did it. So she could have her little bitch fest outside of SC's earshot and get it out of her system before they got home.

piscofrisco · 14/09/2023 12:21

Yes, just short and factual- doesn't matter how she reacts but at least she is prepared when DD talks to her about it and she can arrange her face appropriately as necessary.

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/09/2023 12:26

It's good to tell ex due to the kids and their feelings

They may be fine now but later get upset

Or May be no probs

It's just common courtesy imo

allmyliesaretrue · 14/09/2023 12:35

yogasaurus · 13/09/2023 17:02

No, you don’t have to tell her anything.

She doesn’t need time to rearrange her face, it’s nothing to do with her

Edited

I really don't agree.

Even if she can't stand the sight of your fiance OP, she should be afforded the courtesy of processing this news in private, not having it sprung on her by her DD. She loved him once, after all. It won't hurt to be humane and considerate!

Seashellies · 14/09/2023 12:40

Screwballs · 14/09/2023 12:04

It doesnt though does it, thats just crap ex wives spout to make sure they are still consulted on plans that have nothing to do with them.

Edited

It has something to do with their child though. Part of being with someone who already has children is to be mature enough to realise and accept this.