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Step-parenting

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Original poster

CMS payment & court

123 replies

Chunkychips23 · 08/09/2023 15:16

DH and I recently got married. 24hrs after our wedding, his ex wife texts demanding a call to discuss increasing child maintenance payments, saying DH doesn’t pay enough and she has had to carry all the financial load.

DH said he’s not going to call her as we’re about to go on our honeymoon and it’s really disrespectful of her to start this conversation now.

Bit of background - DH has three children. One is an adult, working full-time, one will be 18 soon and the other is 15. I am also pregnant, approaching my 3rd trimester. Their has been parental alienation from her side with the two youngest, who up until recently had very little contact with their Dad & his family for around six months, (inc grandparents) but all three came to the wedding and had a great time. Whatever narratives they’d been told, were squashed and they’re now back communicating and seeing their Dad regularly. They’ve very invested in their soon to be new sibling, arguing over who gets to babysit first and who the baby will like most.

Fast-forward to today and she’s sent DH an email saying she’s instructed a solicitor to recoup owed maintenance and get an increase.

I could totally understand it if DH had been dodging paying or even if he’d been paying the minimum- he doesn’t. He pays way above the CMS minimum and pays for any extras such as uniforms, driving lessons etc. As he should!

She isn’t a poor single mother btw. She’s from a wealthy family and has been gifted houses etc from her parents, but has spent her inheritance. She could get a job, but won’t.

It’s starting to cause me a bit of stress tbh. What is she exactly entitled to? They’ve been divorced for 12yrs, separated for 14yrs. My baby is due in a few months and I also want to protect my assets that I’ve brought to and contributed to the relationship for my child. I was going to take 9 months off, but if she’s going to drag this to court, I won’t be able to as I’ll need to get back to work to financially support if court costs are going to be involved. DH has already made it clear he won’t be reduced his payments when the new baby arrives as he has an equal responsibility towards all of his children.

What would happen if it went to court? Would I be dragged into it all too?

OP posts:
HappyStep1 · 09/09/2023 16:36

@namechangnancy I feel men are categorised with the new gf/step as never paying enough.
I chose, all be it not all my choice, to not have my own children. It makes a huge difference.

I was raised by a mother who taught me never to rely on anyone else. I get some women think that being a SAHP is best for them but noone owes another their lifestyle.

Relationship breakdown happens.

@Capdontrecycle some men do actually pay fairly for their children, do try to be involved Dads, just because the Relationship with your children's mother has broken down doesn't mean you stop caring about your children

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 16:39

Of course some men pay fairly
of course some men pay way over CMS

i absolutely don’t dispute that

just seems a remarkable number of partners of such men are on the step parenting forum

namechangnancy · 09/09/2023 16:40

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 16:32

Have you ever thought that if a man pays the minimum cms it's their fault and their choice opposed to it being anything to do with sm either way ?

well I doubt it is particularly commonplace for SMs to be furious and pushing their partners to pay more than CMS if that is what their partner pays his ex 🤷‍♀️

I mean actually and I speak for myself now. Most women aren't into shitty dads. Most of them fall in love with a guy because he seems like a good dad and that means financially supporting the existing children.

Since most sm (statically speaking) and tend to out earn their spouses - why would they care if they own their own house, pay their own bills etc.

Again though regardless if a man pays a lot or a man pays a little - that's really on dad.
How is a problem caused by the man somehow in some weird way the fault of the women he's with and poor dad unable to grow a backbone, but I suppose it's easier to blame the sm rather thank acknowledge that this is a choice he's making.The wicked evil sm narrative is strong in some.

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 16:43

Since most sm (statically speaking) and tend to out earn their spouses

wow! Really? I am pleased to read this. What’s your source?

namechangnancy · 09/09/2023 16:45

@HappyStep1 you were taught the same as me. She said to rely on a man for money leaves you weak to their choices. But that in its self is a choice as a female you make so therefore it's a risk that come with that choice. I don't disparage sahp (massive amount of respect to them) but it's just not something I would risk personally.

And it's not a risk I will ever take with my children and lucky I didn't. Because when he was a shit bag, I had choices but luckily we do coparent well. I recognise that's not the same for others though

namechangnancy · 09/09/2023 16:46

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 16:43

Since most sm (statically speaking) and tend to out earn their spouses

wow! Really? I am pleased to read this. What’s your source?

Since your a avid reader on here and knowledgeable about blended families and income - I'm assuming you can Google 😊

Milkkbottles · 09/09/2023 16:46

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the OP's request.

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 16:57

namechangnancy · 09/09/2023 16:46

Since your a avid reader on here and knowledgeable about blended families and income - I'm assuming you can Google 😊

Show quote history

Ah I see 😊

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 16:57

Enough said! 😂

HappyStep1 · 09/09/2023 16:57

@Capdontrecycle I do earn more than my DH but that is not the point.
He supports his DC. And as a step so do I.so does their mother and her new partner.
DC cost.
@namechangnancy it is always the SM fault. It is our role in life😆

namechangnancy · 09/09/2023 17:00

@HappyStep1 😅😅😅 it's amusing when people base their own narrative and apply it to a group in broad strokes expecting everyone to nod along.

Esp if the narrative is based on fairytales 🙃

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 17:02

@namechangnancy it is always the SM fault. It is our role in life

Why I would Never ever ever subject myself or, more importantly, other children to being a SM. I will ALWAYS prioritise my children and would begrudge any of my money being channeled towards unrelated children when it could go on my children. Let alone if there was a fire in the house and who I’d be entirely focussed on saving!

Yep, I’d be a thoroughly shite SM!

namechangnancy · 09/09/2023 17:11

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 17:02

@namechangnancy it is always the SM fault. It is our role in life

Why I would Never ever ever subject myself or, more importantly, other children to being a SM. I will ALWAYS prioritise my children and would begrudge any of my money being channeled towards unrelated children when it could go on my children. Let alone if there was a fire in the house and who I’d be entirely focussed on saving!

Yep, I’d be a thoroughly shite SM!

That's ok to think that and know that buts a personal mentality thing. Nothing wrong with it but it doesn't apply to everyone

The part that's difficult imo is people assuming your going to treat your DSc unkindly and want to get involved with finances related to your dsc. I once got told on here that I was a hideous step mum because I pay for the keep of a horse for my dsc and how must mum feel me rubbing her nose in it 🤯 which assumes I would do this without mums blessing.

Logically it's not something I would want or actively seek out to do. It seems like a headache I can do without

It's that type of you must be a horrible being the starting position when most people are just people. Neither devil or saint.

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 17:28

@namechangnancy sorry if I missed but do you have children?

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 17:35

I wouldn’t regard you specifically as paying for the horse riding lessons @namechangnancy unless you split finances with your husband utterly 50/50 and keep finances completely and utterly separate from each other?

namechangnancy · 09/09/2023 17:37

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 17:28

@namechangnancy sorry if I missed but do you have children?

It's ok I'm in a bit of a weird situation. I'm a ex wife and have my dd with my ex (and my dd has a sm) we split up because he cheating after our son being born still and I found out I when I pregnant my dd so left him shortly after . He married the women he cheated on me with and she's my dd sm and I rather like her (yes I know weird but true) and it's taken many years to get here.

I remarried and became a sm to my dsd and then had a joint baby with my dh.

I also to note do not play the mother role for my dsd as she has to active parents and mum would be annoyed. Probably more of a aunty role but it's child lead.

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 17:41

Really confused! So you do have a daughter but she lives with your ex and his wife

and you have a step son?

and a biological child with current partner too?

im being thick sorry!

namechangnancy · 09/09/2023 17:41

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 17:35

I wouldn’t regard you specifically as paying for the horse riding lessons @namechangnancy unless you split finances with your husband utterly 50/50 and keep finances completely and utterly separate from each other?

No to be clear we don't have joint finances with my dh. I don't get involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine.

And I don't pay for horse riding lessons but bought and keep a horse specifically for my dd which I pay fully for out of my own pocket. Which is a much larger expenditure and responsibility than horse riding lesson - costs like the farrier spring to mind.

I might just add my wealth was generated solely on my work and my career and isn't generational wealth or anything like that.

And I did it because my dsd has asd and it has helped her immensely. I have no pressure from mum or dad to do this. Just did it off my own back.

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 17:44

And I don't pay for horse riding lessons but bought and keep a horse specifically for my dd which I pay fully for out of my own pocket.

your SD not DD?

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 17:45

No to be clear we don't have joint finances with my dh. I don't get involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine.

but you have a child together?

do you pay maintenance to your ex who has your daughter?

im so intrigued and sorry to derail

namechangnancy · 09/09/2023 17:47

@Capdontrecycle sorry should have been clearer

I had my first child in my first marriage who was my son but sadly born sleeping (aka isn't alive)

My second child was conceived with my ex my daughter but I didn't realise he was shagging about and found out when I was pregnant with her, and left him after and divorced my ex.

I remarried (second marriage) and my DH had a daughter - my dsd. And within my second marriage I had my second son (living) and both my daughter and my son live with me.

My daughter obviously sees my ex EOW - her father and he married the ow and his wife is my daughters step mum.

I did warn you it was confusing.

So I have two children who are biologically mine (and live with me) and one step child my dsd who does 50/50 with the parents. That said she's a teen so that's adapting as she's chipping both parents off to spend time with friends.

namechangnancy · 09/09/2023 17:48

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 17:44

And I don't pay for horse riding lessons but bought and keep a horse specifically for my dd which I pay fully for out of my own pocket.

your SD not DD?

Yes my dsd. My dd doesn't care for horses at the no 😭😭

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 17:49

Ah got it!

namechangnancy · 09/09/2023 17:49

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 17:45

No to be clear we don't have joint finances with my dh. I don't get involved in his finances and he doesn't get involved in mine.

but you have a child together?

do you pay maintenance to your ex who has your daughter?

im so intrigued and sorry to derail

My ex only has her eow and pays maintenance - not that I need it and not that I have asked but he wants to and that's fine but I don't rely on it or expect it.

He was a shitty partner to me but not a shitty dad.

Blended families are hard

Honeychickpea · 09/09/2023 19:15

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 16:43

Since most sm (statically speaking) and tend to out earn their spouses

wow! Really? I am pleased to read this. What’s your source?

Her fertile imagination I suspect.