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Step-parenting

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Original poster

CMS payment & court

123 replies

Chunkychips23 · 08/09/2023 15:16

DH and I recently got married. 24hrs after our wedding, his ex wife texts demanding a call to discuss increasing child maintenance payments, saying DH doesn’t pay enough and she has had to carry all the financial load.

DH said he’s not going to call her as we’re about to go on our honeymoon and it’s really disrespectful of her to start this conversation now.

Bit of background - DH has three children. One is an adult, working full-time, one will be 18 soon and the other is 15. I am also pregnant, approaching my 3rd trimester. Their has been parental alienation from her side with the two youngest, who up until recently had very little contact with their Dad & his family for around six months, (inc grandparents) but all three came to the wedding and had a great time. Whatever narratives they’d been told, were squashed and they’re now back communicating and seeing their Dad regularly. They’ve very invested in their soon to be new sibling, arguing over who gets to babysit first and who the baby will like most.

Fast-forward to today and she’s sent DH an email saying she’s instructed a solicitor to recoup owed maintenance and get an increase.

I could totally understand it if DH had been dodging paying or even if he’d been paying the minimum- he doesn’t. He pays way above the CMS minimum and pays for any extras such as uniforms, driving lessons etc. As he should!

She isn’t a poor single mother btw. She’s from a wealthy family and has been gifted houses etc from her parents, but has spent her inheritance. She could get a job, but won’t.

It’s starting to cause me a bit of stress tbh. What is she exactly entitled to? They’ve been divorced for 12yrs, separated for 14yrs. My baby is due in a few months and I also want to protect my assets that I’ve brought to and contributed to the relationship for my child. I was going to take 9 months off, but if she’s going to drag this to court, I won’t be able to as I’ll need to get back to work to financially support if court costs are going to be involved. DH has already made it clear he won’t be reduced his payments when the new baby arrives as he has an equal responsibility towards all of his children.

What would happen if it went to court? Would I be dragged into it all too?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chunkychips23 · 08/09/2023 15:44

I have no idea how it all works. If he was the kind of deadbeat who shirked paying for his own kids, then I would 100% cheer her on and chuck him.

DH is confident she doesn’t have a leg to stand on and she’s bluffing about a solicitor, but is happy to take it further as has documentation of everything.

I just don’t want the stress for any of us! DH and his kids are finally all happy again, behaviour has massively improved. It’s like everyone’s had a reset and fresh start, then she kicks off!

OP posts:
kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 15:45

He doesn’t need to “take it further” FGS

he just needs to provide the docs I list above

very very easy and straightforward to prove if what you say is accurate

CwmYoy · 08/09/2023 15:46

ToxicPositivity · 08/09/2023 15:42

But obsessed with this one aren't you @kimchiforever

For sure a stalkery search reveals Kimi only responds to OP.

Bit weird.

applesandmares · 08/09/2023 15:47

It's obviously inconsiderate timing to be asking someone for money 24 hours after their wedding 😂 she could have chosen literally any other time to do it, so I'm not surprised he told her he wasn't willing to discuss it now when he's about to go on honeymoon!

If he's not missed payments and pays at least the minimum then there isn't a case to answer. Any court action would fail at the first hurdle. I wouldn't bother instructing solicitors of your own, just let her carry on with herself and see where it goes. The mere fact you've received a letter doesn't mean that she's been advised that she has a case, you can pay a solicitor to write a letter about pretty much anything!

Do they even need to be in contact now that there is soon to be only one child under 18? He could just let her know that he'll ignore any communication from her unless it's necessary or urgent relating to the welfare of the children. I'd imagine he can arrange contact with his kids directly given their ages.

Original poster
Chunkychips23 · 08/09/2023 15:48

Yep, they’ve been all that. But apologies and ownership has happened from them over their behaviour. Now we know why they were behaving like that, it makes a hell of a lot of sense! Despite it all, doesn’t mean I didn’t love them. My DC may cause me to rant and get pissed off, would you claim I didn’t love them for renting. Of course not! But it supports the “all SM’s are evil” narrative

OP posts:
Original poster
Chunkychips23 · 08/09/2023 15:57

Thank you 😊

After the messages, he told her he’ll only communicate via email moving forward. He does have all the documentation regarding payments including extras.

DH has felt the need to try and co-parent with her as she claims it’s going behind her back when he arranges things with the youngest in particular directly.

We recently listed our house for sale and she thinks some of the proceeds of that should go towards the kids. We bought the house together and is co-owned by both of us. I think maybe that combined with us having a shared DC may be what triggered it. No one is wanting or is going to reduce CMS.

We’re not high earners either. But she’s adamant that DH should be paying for more, such as buying the eldest two cars etc

OP posts:
BingoandBlueyForever · 08/09/2023 16:09

Yeah no court is going to order that you must buy your adult children cars. That’s not a thing.

TheCrystalPalace · 08/09/2023 16:10

This sounds as if @kimchiforever has stumbled across this thread and has realised she's the ex.

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 16:11

TheCrystalPalace · 08/09/2023 16:10

This sounds as if @kimchiforever has stumbled across this thread and has realised she's the ex.

😂

i have given the op advice

this is so straightforward! Just show salary and bank statements. Job done

Theunamedcat · 08/09/2023 16:18

TheCrystalPalace · 08/09/2023 16:10

This sounds as if @kimchiforever has stumbled across this thread and has realised she's the ex.

Then why is she telling her how to prove his innocence 🤔

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 16:22

Theunamedcat · 08/09/2023 16:18

Then why is she telling her how to prove his innocence 🤔

Show quote history

Thank you

I couldn’t quite see the logic from the PP!

Blinkinbloodyhayfever · 08/09/2023 16:26

Don't get involved op. He could have just sent a quick reply telling her not worry about his new circumstances, they don't change anything as far as his obligations are concerned, but he will sort it with her when he gets back. There didn't need to be lots of drama with you labelling her disrespectful.

SeptemberSuns · 08/09/2023 16:28

If the ex was emotionally intelligent she would have timed it better. Her timing shows her to be immature and this will never be a good start to increasing her payments.

You seem to be on the receiving end of team ex wife who have little or no experience of the challenges of step parenting.

Congratulations on your marriage.

TheFormidableMrsC · 08/09/2023 16:46

Unless he is a very high earner or one or all of the children are disabled, the court does not deal with maintenance. It's the CMS. So I'm not entirely sure what she hopes to gain from instructing a solicitor.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/09/2023 16:50

He doesn’t need to do anything, he can and should just ignore her.

Best of luck with the baby 😊

Laurdo · 08/09/2023 16:52

ToxicPositivity · 08/09/2023 15:42

But obsessed with this one aren't you @kimchiforever

Maybe she's the ex.

NotaCoolMum · 08/09/2023 16:56

Dear lord @kimchiforever calm the fuck down

Laurdo · 08/09/2023 16:57

applesandmares · 08/09/2023 15:47

It's obviously inconsiderate timing to be asking someone for money 24 hours after their wedding 😂 she could have chosen literally any other time to do it, so I'm not surprised he told her he wasn't willing to discuss it now when he's about to go on honeymoon!

If he's not missed payments and pays at least the minimum then there isn't a case to answer. Any court action would fail at the first hurdle. I wouldn't bother instructing solicitors of your own, just let her carry on with herself and see where it goes. The mere fact you've received a letter doesn't mean that she's been advised that she has a case, you can pay a solicitor to write a letter about pretty much anything!

Do they even need to be in contact now that there is soon to be only one child under 18? He could just let her know that he'll ignore any communication from her unless it's necessary or urgent relating to the welfare of the children. I'd imagine he can arrange contact with his kids directly given their ages.

Exactly. You should read the absolute drivel my DH has been sent in a lawyers letter form his ex.

Even if it does go to court, your DH can self represent. If he hasn't missed a payment and pays over what CMS says then it should be pretty straightforward for him to prove that.

She sounds bitter about your wedding, baby and the fact the kids are back on side so she's just trying to throw a spanner in the works. Just ignore her. If she raises it again just get him to respond "I look forward to hearing from your lawyer".

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 16:58

Laurdo · 08/09/2023 16:52

Maybe she's the ex.

Show quote history

So why am I specifically outlining exactly how the op can bat this away!!

Laurdo · 08/09/2023 17:01

kimchiforever · 08/09/2023 16:58

So why am I specifically outlining exactly how the op can bat this away!!

Show quote history

It was a joke. Chill.

LittleOwl153 · 08/09/2023 17:12

I'm afraid my reaction to your OP, assuming it's all true, would be for him to contact CMS, get a calculation and tell her that CM will be reduced to that level from here on in - and of course reduced again when the second turns 18.

I would then put the difference into a separate account to support the kids with cars, uni, house deposits etc. I would tell the kids that's what he's doing (- he could maybe even give them each an allowance depending on the difference in amounts?) so that they don't turn on him again and I would leave her to it. That money would also then be there if she decided to take a daft legal route so that it doesn't impact the rest of your family.

Laurdo · 08/09/2023 17:13

LittleOwl153 · 08/09/2023 17:12

I'm afraid my reaction to your OP, assuming it's all true, would be for him to contact CMS, get a calculation and tell her that CM will be reduced to that level from here on in - and of course reduced again when the second turns 18.

I would then put the difference into a separate account to support the kids with cars, uni, house deposits etc. I would tell the kids that's what he's doing (- he could maybe even give them each an allowance depending on the difference in amounts?) so that they don't turn on him again and I would leave her to it. That money would also then be there if she decided to take a daft legal route so that it doesn't impact the rest of your family.

Great idea.

Honeychickpea · 08/09/2023 17:24

The ex probably thinks that as you are now married, your salary will be taken into account for CM. She is going to be sadly disappointed.

fairyfluf · 08/09/2023 17:28

It will go down when your baby is here so the jokes on her

Baconisdelicious · 08/09/2023 17:39

Unless he is a very high earner or one or all of the children are disabled, the court does not deal with maintenance. It's the CMS

if there is a court order, the court will deal with non-payment as long as a)12 months haven’t passed since the order was made or b) 12 months have passed and the maintenance payer hasn’t handed the issue over to the CMS or c) there is a global order in place.

OP a your own assets are nothing to do with his ex. Assuming your DH does indeed owe some money, your home would be assumed owned 50/50 (unless you have evidence to the contrary) so she could only ever come after his half. Ditto money in joint bank accounts or anything else. But if he has a financial order then not even then as all matters will have been sorted by that order. It is worth saying that many people fail to get financial orders which you would need to clarify with your dh.

I'm afraid my reaction to your OP, assuming it's all true, would be for him to contact CMS, get a calculation and tell her that CM will be reduced to that level from here on in - and of course reduced again when the second turns 18

Maintenance is payable until the 31st August following an 18 year old leaving 6th form or college. If remaining in further education maintenance is payable until the child turns 20.

So….all that said, OP can clarify the situation by ensuring she has seen maintenance payments leaving her DHs bank account (clearly labelled as such, not just random cash withdrawals, for example), by checking there is a financial order in place following her DH’s divorce. If both of those exist then there is no case to answer to. It is worth saying, OP, that unfortunately many men lie. Big time. And there are potentially problems/holes in his story if his ex has indeed managed to engage a solicitor. Having said that, of course, many solicitors have no morals whatsoever and will write whatever they are instructed to write if payment is made. So do some investigating and satisfy yourself all is well.

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