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Original poster

CMS payment & court

123 replies

Chunkychips23 · 08/09/2023 15:16

DH and I recently got married. 24hrs after our wedding, his ex wife texts demanding a call to discuss increasing child maintenance payments, saying DH doesn’t pay enough and she has had to carry all the financial load.

DH said he’s not going to call her as we’re about to go on our honeymoon and it’s really disrespectful of her to start this conversation now.

Bit of background - DH has three children. One is an adult, working full-time, one will be 18 soon and the other is 15. I am also pregnant, approaching my 3rd trimester. Their has been parental alienation from her side with the two youngest, who up until recently had very little contact with their Dad & his family for around six months, (inc grandparents) but all three came to the wedding and had a great time. Whatever narratives they’d been told, were squashed and they’re now back communicating and seeing their Dad regularly. They’ve very invested in their soon to be new sibling, arguing over who gets to babysit first and who the baby will like most.

Fast-forward to today and she’s sent DH an email saying she’s instructed a solicitor to recoup owed maintenance and get an increase.

I could totally understand it if DH had been dodging paying or even if he’d been paying the minimum- he doesn’t. He pays way above the CMS minimum and pays for any extras such as uniforms, driving lessons etc. As he should!

She isn’t a poor single mother btw. She’s from a wealthy family and has been gifted houses etc from her parents, but has spent her inheritance. She could get a job, but won’t.

It’s starting to cause me a bit of stress tbh. What is she exactly entitled to? They’ve been divorced for 12yrs, separated for 14yrs. My baby is due in a few months and I also want to protect my assets that I’ve brought to and contributed to the relationship for my child. I was going to take 9 months off, but if she’s going to drag this to court, I won’t be able to as I’ll need to get back to work to financially support if court costs are going to be involved. DH has already made it clear he won’t be reduced his payments when the new baby arrives as he has an equal responsibility towards all of his children.

What would happen if it went to court? Would I be dragged into it all too?

OP posts:
Original poster
Chunkychips23 · 08/09/2023 18:26

Brilliant, thank you so much for the detailed explanation. Understand it a bit better now 🙂

He did get a financial order at the time of the divorce and CMS have been involved, he just has a standing order to pay out more on top of that. He’s also kept them informed of wage changes.

I was wondering if down to the timing of her issue was that she could potentially get it reassessed due to us now being married and taking my earnings and assets into account.

We’ve not seen anything formal come through from a solicitor yet, just that she’s got one and will be taking things further legally if she doesn’t get more money. Her initial message said he needs to pay for cars, more driving lessons and help out with her household costs due to the increase in cost of living

OP posts:
MeridianB · 08/09/2023 19:23

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/09/2023 16:50

He doesn’t need to do anything, he can and should just ignore her.

Best of luck with the baby 😊

This. So nothing. Let her spin her wheels.

If he’s paid above CMS then there won’t be any case to answer. Presumably he only pays for the two youngest DC and soon only for the 15yo?

I think there’s a calculator on the CMS site where he can find out how much maintenance is due. Chances are he’s overpaying, especially once your child arrives as there is an option to reduce.

Ignore her and ask your DH to do the same.

MeridianB · 08/09/2023 19:29

PS If she is wealthy then her motivation is clear - she is losing control over your DH. He’s married, having another child and his DC have discovered the truth after the parental alienation and now want to rebuild their relationship.

She’s using the money thing to try to exert some control, but it won’t work. Just ignore and focus on all the positives.

Barbiesback · 08/09/2023 19:32

I'm sorry but people should consider these issues before going on to expand and have a new family. So all of a sudden CMS is an issue? I only have one child with my ex but there's always a nasty undertone when people move on and feel like the new baby trumps the previous kids. This includes the 18 year old too!

I would keep out of it OP.

Russooooo · 08/09/2023 19:37

How much does he earn? And how often do the kids stay with you?

(this is what the CMS calculator will need)

GlitchStitch · 08/09/2023 20:18

Court and solicitors won't get involved with maintenance, that's for the CMS.

Sounds to me like she wanted to stress you out and ruin your honeymoon.

flowergirl2020 · 08/09/2023 21:01

Courts won't get involved. That's for child maintenance. Even if your arrangement currently is via the CMS there is no 'back dating' as such as there are rules regarding how many days after each annual review you have to query the amount etc. If I were your husband I'd put all my info in the online CMS calculator. If she does email further with threats etc and your husband does indeed pay over and above, the amount the online calculator spits out (taking into account one child is an adult and a reduction for your new baby) would no doubt be less and may serve its purpose to show her for a reality check.
Your wage is irrelevant to the CMS as you are not financially responsible for their children. That being said, I would still take precautions - I have accounts just in my name for my own personal savings and savings I've set aside for my baby. Congratulations on your pregnancy and try to not let it get to you. Xx

namechangnancy · 08/09/2023 22:33

TheCrystalPalace · 08/09/2023 16:10

This sounds as if @kimchiforever has stumbled across this thread and has realised she's the ex.

I'm glad someone said it 😂😂😂

namechangnancy · 08/09/2023 22:40

Barbiesback · 08/09/2023 19:32

I'm sorry but people should consider these issues before going on to expand and have a new family. So all of a sudden CMS is an issue? I only have one child with my ex but there's always a nasty undertone when people move on and feel like the new baby trumps the previous kids. This includes the 18 year old too!

I would keep out of it OP.

Oh give over.

I'm a ex wife and my ex married the dreaded "ow" and not even in my darkest days would I have gone to my ex oh now your married you need to pay for extra on top of the above and beyond ops DH is doing just before their honeymoon.

Just because your feelings are hurt that your losing control over your ex, doesn't mean op has to roll over and take it because she committed the fucking cardinal sun of having a baby with her dh 🙄

HappyStep1 · 09/09/2023 08:41

We had this on the day before our wedding. I assumed she thought my income would be considered once we were married, it wasn't.

I very much love my DSC and would never see them go without in either home but some people will always look for an easy way to extra cash.

CornishGem1975 · 09/09/2023 08:56

If he's paying more than CMS then she's going to get a short sharp shock.

Original poster
Chunkychips23 · 09/09/2023 09:19

HappyStep1 · 09/09/2023 08:41

We had this on the day before our wedding. I assumed she thought my income would be considered once we were married, it wasn't.

I very much love my DSC and would never see them go without in either home but some people will always look for an easy way to extra cash.

Thats what my thoughts were with her timing.

DH is happy to pay for extras, but designer clothing, foreign holidays and a car each isn’t what he’d consider reasonable or essential extras.

I personally think she’s spent all of her inheritance and is now panicking. She apparently can’t pay her utility bills, but has taken the kids away on holiday five times this year.

OP posts:
HappyStep1 · 09/09/2023 09:29

Step away and focus on your baby.
If the relationship with his children is difficult he needs to work on that.
It is also not your business what she spends her money on, stop thinking about that.

fairyfluf · 09/09/2023 09:31

Barbiesback · 08/09/2023 19:32

I'm sorry but people should consider these issues before going on to expand and have a new family. So all of a sudden CMS is an issue? I only have one child with my ex but there's always a nasty undertone when people move on and feel like the new baby trumps the previous kids. This includes the 18 year old too!

I would keep out of it OP.

The ex is the one making the cms an issue. She's going to go spare when the baby is here and it drops. It's not in her interest at all to be insisting on cms involvement in the calculation but let her if that's what she wants

Radiodread · 09/09/2023 09:43

As other me have said, just leave it for your husband to deal with, not your circus, not your monkeys.

Also be careful using terms like “parental alienation” …. It’s increasingly discredited as a concept.

MeridianB · 09/09/2023 12:39

Russooooo · 08/09/2023 19:37

How much does he earn? And how often do the kids stay with you?

(this is what the CMS calculator will need)

OP don’t answer the salary question on here!

namechangnancy · 09/09/2023 12:48

HappyStep1 · 09/09/2023 09:29

Step away and focus on your baby.
If the relationship with his children is difficult he needs to work on that.
It is also not your business what she spends her money on, stop thinking about that.

I think people forget the money isn't for mum. Maintenance is for the children of which 2 are adults so one child.

Op had stayed out of it - it's only because the ex has brought it up just after they got married and ex now wants more.

He pays over and above the cms standard and half of everything. He is entitled to say actually no I'm not buying the kids a car each and keeping them in designer swag because mum says so. If she wants to spend her money she's earnt on that stuff absolutely fine. But mums not married to dad anymore, so she can't just demand to be a kept women with no limits.

Personally people doing this type of shit need to play it carefully because likehood maintenance would go way down if she went to cms and said I want my ex to pay for my lavish lifestyle and the courts would laugh and penalise her

The problem with ex like op, a you give a inch and they take a mile.

HappyStep1 · 09/09/2023 13:39

@namechangnancy the comment about her spending money was more to do with the ex's inheritance.
We also had the car demand.
I probably am projecting, I never wanted the kids to go without anymore than their parents did, but there was certainly an air of entitlement from ex.

Honeychickpea · 09/09/2023 14:02

I think people forget the money isn't for mum. Maintenance is for the children
Mums frequently forget this as well.

namechangnancy · 09/09/2023 14:54

@HappyStep1 I get that I do. Inheritance is a awful topic imo and brings up all sorts of feelings (some you may not know you even have)

I think all parents want the best for their children even when they are adults. But i have to say that the narrative on here about mums and dads about motives around money is subjective, so we have to go on the information that's given and percentage chance it coincidence around timing. To me it seems unlikely that it was.

People hate blended families especially when a dad has another child (with a sm) because it means financial resources will have to be split more ways and usually mum was not consulted or involved in the creation of another child (in which previously she was) and that ticks some people off and then the social narrative is their child won't get their perceived share so go into overdrive to hammer down the point.

Some men are more reactive to this shaming than others, and some mums are more quick to say oh you only care about your new family. Ignoring the fact that it's not new family but second family and it's all dads family.

Anyway having sorted out my will recently I'm deeply hopeful I pop off first, and don't have to worry about all the agg than if my partner goes first

Reugny · 09/09/2023 15:05

Honeychickpea · 09/09/2023 14:02

I think people forget the money isn't for mum. Maintenance is for the children
Mums frequently forget this as well.

Then kick off when their children move the higher education or start working.

There have been plenty of threads on here about it and I've seen it (well over heard it) in real life.

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 15:51

The amount of men that seemingly pay WAY over the minimum on mumsnet is quite remarkable. Particularly, it has to be said, on the Step Parenting forum 😂

fairyfluf · 09/09/2023 15:54

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 15:51

The amount of men that seemingly pay WAY over the minimum on mumsnet is quite remarkable. Particularly, it has to be said, on the Step Parenting forum 😂

Maybe because their spouses are the ones who get pissed off when their ex doesn't realise how good they have it

namechangnancy · 09/09/2023 15:55

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 15:51

The amount of men that seemingly pay WAY over the minimum on mumsnet is quite remarkable. Particularly, it has to be said, on the Step Parenting forum 😂

Have you ever thought that if a man pays the minimum cms it's their fault and their choice opposed to it being anything to do with sm either way ?

Idk the circles I roll in most of the dads pay above and beyond cms, which is backed up by their children's mothers. So it's not surprising to me tbh

My ex pays above and beyond the cms stated minimum to me 🤷‍♀️ but then I don't have a particular narrative built up around him

Capdontrecycle · 09/09/2023 16:32

Have you ever thought that if a man pays the minimum cms it's their fault and their choice opposed to it being anything to do with sm either way ?

well I doubt it is particularly commonplace for SMs to be furious and pushing their partners to pay more than CMS if that is what their partner pays his ex 🤷‍♀️