Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

You said you were going to spell it out to them and then you've sent a text that does the exact opposite. You need to be as blunt as you have here. Is the mother aware that their dad isn't washing their uniform and you aren't picking up his slack? She might be under the very wrong (in this case) impression that you see them as part of your family and would be doing the same for them as your own children. You need to make it abundantly clear that you don't and won't.

I can't imagine sending kids to school without lunch knowing they would have to ask to get a meal at the canteen. As a quiet kid that would have caused me endless amounts of stress. If I was the mother of those kids I wouldn't want either of you to have any contact time with my kids let alone all the time.

I truly don’t know how you and your DH can send them off to school in dirty uniforms and with no lunch. That’s on both of you. If you want him to take responsibility for that solely then you need to make that 100% clear. But passively not covering even the basics for them as a couple is really wrong.

Social services won’t be involved but school safeguarding system should be picking up that children regularly attending in dirty clothes and not provided with packed lunch/lunch money.

At our local Primary you have to pay for breakfast club and lunches in advance, you don’t just rock up on the day

Can’t imagine being a child turning up to school in dirty clothes whilst another sibling in the house in is pristine uniform

It’s on her DH, not her. They are not her kids.

I just sucked it up and took on parenting the extra kids. But mine did not have the lovely mum whom they were a credit to, so it seemed “right” to try and give them the same stability that our shared child had.
The only advice I have is to talk, talk, talk. Blended families are all different but the thing they all have in common is that they suffer without communication. Make your feelings known.

Do we know how old the children are here? I can't see that this is mentioned, but I think that if they're young enough to still need driving around, then they're not old enough to make decisions about where they live, or to ensure they have clean clothes. (I suspect that their mother does parent them more, which is why the neglectful relaxed attitude of the OP and the children's father is making living with them more attractive to the kids.

I'm really shocked that the OP would allow children to go to school without ensuring they can have lunch, or in clean clothes. I get that they're not her children, but they are children, and they are in her care, whether she likes it or not.

It's irrelevant here that the father is a shit father - the OP is using the kids to make a point which just isn't on. When they're grown up they will realise that they've been neglected.

She’s a step parent. If she does not want the responsibility she needs to spell it out completely clearly with her DH. This all sounds like very passive behaviour. I’ve never known any step parents to not want to share the basics of childcare when step kids are staying with them.

I'm amused by the notion that a school lunch is a "bad thing" and that a packed lunch is "better".

The OP is right to insist her DH steps up and does more parenting but it sounds to me as if she isn't actually 'insisting' at all.

OP, you need to make your feelings and terms of engagement VERY clear to your DH - otherwise, the children WILL be 'neglected' (compared to the other 2), OR you'll end up doing all the additional work whilst DH remains Disney dad.

I'm a great one for putting things on paper - so I'd draw up a chart of all the things DH would need to step up and do if the children came full-time. I think you'd need some conversations with the kids' mother to ensure this contains full details of extra-curricular activities, etc.

Their mother will be feeling absolutely awful that her children want to leave her care - so involve her in making sure it doesn't happen.

See if you can answer your own question.

Nobody thinks a packed lunch is better as I and maybe other posters read it, the school gave them lunch because they didn't have any with them so an emergency lunch that wasn't ordered or however the school operates, which is imo a parent not caring for a child/ren. So its nothing to do with packed lunches being superior.

Tbh I can't believe you are just letting this unfold with minimal involvement when you know your husband works long hours and is (at best) a Disney dad!
You most certainly should be saying a definite no to this, not least because you won't be willing to pick up his slack snd you are going to have 2 sets of children treated very differently within the same household!

And while I'm here you should also be putting a stop to the 'fun house' bullshit - how does that even work when presumably you are making your own kids do homework/clear the table? You are setting your house up to be very divided.

How old are the step kids? Why do they want to live with you full time? Are things bad at home? They must be bad if they think that living with a step mum who can’t be bothered to just wash their school uniforms and do them a packed lunch for school is going to be better than living with their mother !

OP you describe your DH as a shit dad - I presume this extends to your shared child? If you split up and there is a 3rd MrsDH on the scene and she takes the same attitude as you how would you feel about someone treating your kids like this? Either step up and have a difficult conversation with your DH or do some basic care for children who have absolutely no agency in this situation.

She’s doing her own kids washing and making them lunch. It’s not hard to include a couple of extras here. I really can’t believe that people marry someone with kids and treat them so differently from their own.

@VickyEadieofThigh it's not that a packed lunch is better and I don't think any poster has implied that? It's more if a kid always takes a packed lunch but the dad's toomuch of a lazy arse to provide his kids with one leaving it to a step.mum who refuses then the kids are going without a lunch or have to ask at the canteen for a lunch. It will vary from school to school but assuming they don't have school dinners normally, they won't have credit on their account. I don't imagine school would leave them without something to eat but having to ask knowing they have no money could cause unnecessary embarrassment and shame. I don't think the op has shared the stepchildren ages but if they are primary school age it's likely to be upsetting.

How will you cope with less money coming into the house when your husband has to reduce his hours at work?

I’ve only read your posts, op.

You had my complete understanding in your first post but the last one? That is neglectful, I’m sorry. I think it’s in those children’s best interests if they don’t live with you full time.

Yes I can. Have been thinking about it ever since I posted. It's because it is 'fun' there and they probably don't even realise they are being neglected. Makes the whole sorry mess even sadder.

@Strictly1 That's all just your opinion. You've decided that the only thing that matters is that the kids are cared for with no hiccups, and therefore an adult refusing to be made to adopt a child they did not agree to adopt is "point scoring". It isn't. It is an absolutely enormous thing to have thrust upon you when you haven't agreed to it. It's ridiculous that people are writing that off as of it's a small thing and therefore pettiness is the only reason not to do it, rather than the genuine avoidance of a life altering task that you aren't willing to undertake.

If they, including he, can't afford it, then he can just say no.

I'm afraid that was my reaction too.

Not the fruit of your loins, not your problem, OP. I can't believe the martyrs on here.

I don't understand this. I could never send my stepson to school in dirty clothes and with no lunch. Thankfully, in my case, his dad does all that but if he didn't, I couldn't just stand by and not care for his most basic needs.

I think she spelled it out the first time she didn’t pack their lunches!!!

How did ‘D’H let his kids go to sch with dirty uniform and no lunch?
That should have happened only once, what did he say when he found out?

Because he should have been disgusted with himself for letting his kids down and not checking Friday night. If he wasn’t, in all honesty it would be a nail in our relationship - how can you respect someone who doesn’t respect their kids?

what’s the division of labour at home? Because DH would need to pick up the slack.

This is the one time that I would list out everything that would need to be done (DH and I do the mental load together) and ask him how he would manage it.

I’d fucking have that schedule/list with initials stapled to the kitchen wall too.