Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

Off with her head!!

:-D

I'm a SM, no DCs of my own. If DH needed me to wash the SDCs clothes, or make them a packed lunch, or take them to school, he would ask me specifically, as otherwise I would assume, as their parent, he already had it sorted.

If they arrived on Friday, took uniforms off and left them in their rooms, and I hadn't done a wash over the weekend so therefore gone looking for things to chuck in (which like the OP I tend not to, I do it during the week), then I can easily see me discovering on a Monday morning that they don't have a clean set to put on, when I wasn't expecting it to be my job to sort them out and get them to school!

No malice on my part, just a) not my job to make sure they have clean clothes, it's DHs and b) I wouldn't usually put a wash on at the weekend, so wouldn't think to specifically seek out their uniforms to see if they need washing. I really cannot see how that is "neglect" on OPs part!

It is better the dc learns to do his/her own laundry and make lunch then go to school with dirty clothes and no food! And by age 9/10 a child is fully capable and might even enjoy the responsibility. I used to even iron my school clothes before bed as a child (starting from 9/10)...not that it really needed it....I just did it because I liked it! And when I did not do it, my other would do it in the morning. And I never said the stepchild should do all the chores for the entire house...so no need for the silly and rude response to my suggestion.

You have to squint at it really hard, and stand on one leg, and be infected by the patriarchy, then you can see it as neglect. :D

I apologize. It was silly and rude not to respond to the genuinely good points you raised about children learning to be self-sufficient.

I was just reacting to the first sentence really in the context of this turning into an evil step-mother kind of post (not that the OP is an evil-stepmother, just that we are exploring that theme). But I am sorry and I would delete if I could.

I was trying to offer a solution to delegate. I am shocked this is the second SM thread I have been on. It seems they want the man but not his children and all that it brings. Honestly if my kids have SC and bio children I wouldn't treat one differently to the other. I love kids and I can't wait for grandchildren or step grand children. I don't get these threads.

@Cauliflowersfloofy 🤣😂😂😂 you may well think like this now. As you said yourself you have no kids. Your life and your responsibility is totally, totally different. Bless you. If you have to up and leave tomorrow you can. You are a free woman you have no kids that tie you together for life UNLIKE OP... her situation is (rather) different to yours 🤣

Thank you

@Redpepperss you can keep your head-tilty 'bless you' and patronising 'hilarious' emojis. I'm not saying my situation is the same as OPs at all, and it doesn't sound like she wants to leave her DH so not sure why that's relevant in any way. All I'm saying is that being married to someone doesn't relieve them of their responsibilities to their own DCs, and allow them to dump them on you instead, regardless of whether you share another child with that person or not. Unless you think washing amd packing lunches is wimmin's work?

@SamPoodle123 bit shit if the children learn to do this because their dad can’t be arsed

I never said OP wanted to leave. I said if you wanted to up and leave your partner it is totally different from OP. With all respect you don't know how hard parenting is and you've completely misunderstood me. Have you actually read the thread?

I am a single parent myself. I do not believe in "women's work'. However the father has his kids EOW 😳 that's piss poor, OP has then gone on to have a child with a man like this so if he treats 2 children like this the man obviously has piss poor parenting all round. OP would of known this right from the off.

Would she have known this? It’s possible that, say, DH used to work shorter hours, or that the kids used to have school lunch, or that there were spare uniforms at DH’s place but they were outgrown and not replaced.

Or that OP had less to do before she had a second child and so more time to absorb extra laundry, and now is noticing more.

You can't argue about dirt if it's unclean wash it don't argue over nastiness.

You are absolutely right about teamwork, @Carpediemmakeitcount - sadly I am not optimistic that the OP’s Disney dad dh will be willing to learn the skills he will need. At best, I think she will be the one doing all the thinking, and telling people what needs to be done, while he acts like an extra child and just does exactly what he is told, nothing more.

Maybe I am wrong - it’s not unknown 😉😁 - and he can learn to be a fully involved parent - I think it would take a lot of hard work on the OP’s part.

She needs to sit him down and be blunt with him - tell him what a useless excuse for a parent he is, and that, unless he shows he can be an involved, proactive parent, who sees what needs doing and does the hard/boring stuff, not just the fun stuff, when his children are only there every other weekend, having them there full time is simply not going to work. Then, based on his answer to this, and on his actions going forward, she will be in a better position to make an informed choice on this.

He had his kids EOW likely when they met. She then went on to have her own DC to him.

How did he manage before he met OP? Single mums are expected to manage work around their kids. Why shouldn't dad's?

That is what she's done the full time. By her own admission she's not involved with them. If she collects them on a Friday it will be because their Dad is at work to help provide for the family home she lives in with her DC because she said he works long hours, his DC (barring the shared one) are only there 2 weekends a month so doesn't benefit them daily but does the OP children. Other than that it's an occasionally club drop off which, again, I'm assuming is only because he's at work because she said he does a lot of the sports clubs usually. So many parents do this for each other, other school Mums or neighbours. Doesn't deserve martyrdom.

Weird to be worried when you aren't involved because you have to still be uninvolved on more days. Or not worried about your own DC being treated separately (although as I say, his long hours will benefit her DC more than his) or him not doing anything for the shared DC either.

Still, not the SC faults but you don't seem to care about that as long as it's making some sort of vague stand against misogyny. As if not caring about step children helps that cause.

They both choose not to provide basic needs to innocent children and teach all their children that there is a hierarchy within supposed 'blended' families. Oh, the irony.

Oh dear Christ.

The kids went to school in Friday's unwashed uniforms and it's everyone's fault except their dad who has custody of them for the weekend?

Mumsnet at its finest!

did you read the rest of my words about how things might have changed in the few years since they got married?

It is his fault. Literally everyone has said that.

She's no better.

School runs and club drop offs for a friend are hopefully valued, reciprocal, given by consent and not with the fear that it is going to become that person's expected role forever, and the thin end of the wedge at that. Which is absolutely not OPs experience even on this thread, never mind in real life. It's a strange comparison to make.
OP is clearly not uninvolved but she's involved as far as she feels she can cope with. She takes care of basic needs but doesn't want to actually parent them, nor does she either want to see them go without or kill herself trying to do it all for everyone.
She's right to be clear about that ahead of time.

Do you actually think putting uniforms in with your own, or even worse, putting a quick extra 30 min wash on is a huge mental load she can't cope with? Ringing the school to let them know they will be there will break her?

Obviously she shouldn't be the one looking after 4 children 24/7 if they move in. Even she hasn't suggested that's the case. Only that she does as little she can do (her choice) and doesn't want to be faced with that on more days.

Some people are not cut out to be step parents so they shouldn't choose to be with a partner who already has children.

It is not fair on the kids. All everyone is saying is it's not fair on the kids her attitude towards them, not that she has to be a skivvy because she isn't one now so know idea why you think she would be in the future.

So maybe he should just hire a nanny who is only in charge of the stepkids -- that seems weird and very unlike a blended family to me. I get that if a parent is not acting as a team player such that the responsibilities are being split 80-20, the other parent may respond by refusing to act as a team player but now instead of having an ideal 50-50 relationship, you have a 25-25 with a nanny picking up the slack. That's not how I would try to make a situation with stepkids and my own kids work.

He should hire a nanny? Rather than running a wash and making two sandwiches?

Yes, maybe we can't agree on much, but we all agree it is his fault.