Page 32 | Step kids want to live with us full time.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh · 2023-08-22T01:30:32+00:00

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together. Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them. I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them. Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me. The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

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Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/08/2023 17:26

@SheilaFentiman Good to know 😂

PinkCherryBlossoms · 22/08/2023 17:29

SamPoodle123 · 22/08/2023 16:08

I was being sarcastic w this post, I am sure it is the OP, who does her families laundry. And I think it is not nice she plans to do the laundry so she does not have to wash the step children's uniform. If it is in fact the father doing the family laundry on a different day, then shame on him. But from the sounds of it is in fact the OP choosing to do laundry on a different day so she does not have to wash an additional set of uniforms....or bc it simply does not suit her. To me it sounds like she is just being difficult and trying to prove a point with her husband. It sounds like she is fed up with him not pulling his weight and she is taking it out on these poor kids.

I agree, she should not have full responsibility of them...they are not her kids...but when they are with her every other weekend, she should at least do the basics. She should not have married this guy if she could not handle it....

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You're still inventing things. Planning to do the laundry so she doesn't have to do the DSD uniforms? You made that up.

And your take on this is appalling. The idea that a woman not taking on the mental load of work their father should do is somehow being difficult is just complete bollocks.

Redpepperss · 22/08/2023 17:32

Backagain23 · 22/08/2023 16:59

Bottom line - the dirty uniform and slapdash schools drop off and last minute school lunch aren't great, but the kids were fed/clothed/safe. And they still want to move in with OP.
It's Dad's responsibility to do in better for them. If he was even pulling his weight generally and with their own shared child, OP would have more in the tank for her DSC. As it stands, they are lower on her priority list than her own children so if she's not got enough to go round all the kids then the DSC are the ones who must then be catered for by their parent.
It would be different if they were in actual danger, but they aren't. So OP is quite right to hold the line and do only what she feels she has the capacity to do.

This isn't how life works and it doesn't put OP in a good light either. Is this how her DH treats their kids? If not I agree that OP is complict to this issue because she shares a child of her own with him too. I don't think the solution is she should be expected to let the kids move in with them. Absolutely not she is responsible for her DH to be a good dad to ALL his 3 kids and it doesn't seem the case!

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 17:32

I think it would help to know what hours the dad works as opposed to OP.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 22/08/2023 17:33

Christ I find it hard enough to keep up with laundry for a family of four; if I had two stepchildren I wouldn’t also invent a laundry schedule designed to exclude the stepchildren because that would be even harder work. That’s the take of someone with time on their hands.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 17:33

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 17:32

I think it would help to know what hours the dad works as opposed to OP.

Unless he works weekends, there is nothing stopping him running a wash once a fortnight on a Saturday and making two sandwiches on a Sunday night.

Sleepydoor · 22/08/2023 17:34

I wonder how many of us who are more concerned with the well-being of the stepkids than winning the gender war were raised in homes with a cold step-mother.🖐

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 17:34

Sandwiches made on a Sunday night wouldn't be particularly fresh for Monday morning but yes he can wash the clothes on the weekend if he's at home.

Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/08/2023 17:34

rocksstones2023 · 22/08/2023 17:25

My children's step mother does nothing to look after my kids at their house.

Youngest came home after a week having had one shower only.
They often have clothes covered in dirty or messy. No help given to find some clothes to help diy at their house. They are left to paint in their good clothes.

Their father is apparently blind to all this and I assume she is too. Sad but I don't blame her that said she's quick enough to tell them off when she fancies. Odd that.

You should separate her clothes into DIY and good clothes into two separate bags and if it happens again talk to them.

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 17:35

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 17:34

Sandwiches made on a Sunday night wouldn't be particularly fresh for Monday morning but yes he can wash the clothes on the weekend if he's at home.

@SheilaFentiman

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 17:36

Sleepydoor · 22/08/2023 17:34

I wonder how many of us who are more concerned with the well-being of the stepkids than winning the gender war were raised in homes with a cold step-mother.🖐

My parents were still together when I was growing up but I've been a step mum for 9 years now. Thankfully my DH pulls his weight with his son but if he didn't, I couldn't neglect him. I would be having serious words with DH but the kids would still be looked after.

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 22/08/2023 17:36

What's really interesting is that when stories reach the media about DCs being neglected - not having enough to eat; having dirty uniforms; no-one prioritising school work, etc - people ask how on earth it could have happened. And yet here, on this thread, there are tonnes of posters, trying to justify it. If OP had spent as much time putting in writing to her DH's ex or to the step-DCs' school as she has on this thread, then at least someone responsible could prioritise the step-DCs.
I have no idea how OP can live with a man who is so absolutely feckless. But the irony is that OP is also enjoying being a Disney parent - having the fun house at weekends where you don't need to eat properly, do homework, be clean.
I've never understood how neglect and bad treatment of DCs could be normalised but here it is, in black and white for pages and pages.
It's actually very upsetting and I really hope this thread is just full of gfs and they don't have responsibility for the wellbeing of any DCs.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 17:36

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 17:35

@SheilaFentiman

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Ahahhahahaaha

My teens make theirs on a Sunday night, sandwich bags in fridge for Monday. I also always made my packed lunch the night before as a teen.

But if you prefer, dad can make them once a fortnight on a Monday morning as the kettle boils for his coffee.

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 17:37

@Sleepydoor
"DH used to just leave for work at Monday and just assume I was going to get the step kids ready and take them to school."

So it wasn't agreed between them. Yes there are times when I have no choice but to be in sole care of DSS, but there is never a time where DP does not clear it with me, and I would be very annoyed if he did not.

Sleepydoor · 22/08/2023 17:37

spitefulandbadgrammar · 22/08/2023 17:33

Christ I find it hard enough to keep up with laundry for a family of four; if I had two stepchildren I wouldn’t also invent a laundry schedule designed to exclude the stepchildren because that would be even harder work. That’s the take of someone with time on their hands.

I'm sure she's not purposely doing laundry on a schedule to avoid doing the kids clothes, but it does make you wonder when she says "If they live here they will often not have their lunch packed or clean uniform." Wouldn't the uniforms get washed in the regular laundry schedule she has, unless she means she plans on not doing any of their laundry, which suggests her policy is to never do their laundry now.

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 17:37

@SheilaFentiman Sandwiches always seem hard and unfresh the next day but he could do it before he goes to work.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 17:38

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 17:36

Ahahhahahaaha

My teens make theirs on a Sunday night, sandwich bags in fridge for Monday. I also always made my packed lunch the night before as a teen.

But if you prefer, dad can make them once a fortnight on a Monday morning as the kettle boils for his coffee.

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Or, indeed, book them school lunch once a fortnight

Carpediemmakeitcount · 22/08/2023 17:39

Redpepperss · 22/08/2023 17:32

This isn't how life works and it doesn't put OP in a good light either. Is this how her DH treats their kids? If not I agree that OP is complict to this issue because she shares a child of her own with him too. I don't think the solution is she should be expected to let the kids move in with them. Absolutely not she is responsible for her DH to be a good dad to ALL his 3 kids and it doesn't seem the case!

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There should be team work not just left to one parent.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 17:40

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 17:37

@SheilaFentiman Sandwiches always seem hard and unfresh the next day but he could do it before he goes to work.

Good Lord.

He can buy them the tuna pasta lunch pots then.

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 17:41

@SheilaFentiman I just said he could do it before he goes to work. Wouldn't take him long so I'm essentially agreeing with you that the dad could do it.

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 17:42

Then don't marry or live with a man who has kids. They come as a package.

Who are you to say that? It isn't a situation with rules, and my DP would no more expect that than I would agree to it.

SamPoodle123 · 22/08/2023 17:42

PinkCherryBlossoms · 22/08/2023 17:29

You're still inventing things. Planning to do the laundry so she doesn't have to do the DSD uniforms? You made that up.

And your take on this is appalling. The idea that a woman not taking on the mental load of work their father should do is somehow being difficult is just complete bollocks.

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I did not make it up. I said she could plan to do it on the Friday evening, instead of planning to do it earlier in the week.

I wonder, does her husband say he will only take his 3 kids to the park and do fun things when her child is around?

Anyway, I think it is a bad situation to be in for all. And if the kids want to be full time with their father who is rarely home, that says a lot about their other home life...poor children.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 22/08/2023 17:42

ICanBuyMyOwnBooks · 22/08/2023 17:36

What's really interesting is that when stories reach the media about DCs being neglected - not having enough to eat; having dirty uniforms; no-one prioritising school work, etc - people ask how on earth it could have happened. And yet here, on this thread, there are tonnes of posters, trying to justify it. If OP had spent as much time putting in writing to her DH's ex or to the step-DCs' school as she has on this thread, then at least someone responsible could prioritise the step-DCs.
I have no idea how OP can live with a man who is so absolutely feckless. But the irony is that OP is also enjoying being a Disney parent - having the fun house at weekends where you don't need to eat properly, do homework, be clean.
I've never understood how neglect and bad treatment of DCs could be normalised but here it is, in black and white for pages and pages.
It's actually very upsetting and I really hope this thread is just full of gfs and they don't have responsibility for the wellbeing of any DCs.

The children were fed a school lunch. The children were put into wraparound care. The uniforms were worn Friday and Sunday and none of us know whether that’s what constitutes “dirty” or whether they were filth-encrusted Dickensian rags. At OP’s house they’re fed properly, they just choose not to eat the vegetables, which is true of millions of children. Neglect and bad treatment is very different and the upsetting thing is actually posters conflating “OP didn’t make her stepchildren a ham sandwich before she drove them to school” with the shocking and appalling things truly neglected children go through, and thus minimising what neglect means.

GrannyGoggins · 22/08/2023 17:43

aSofaNearYou · 22/08/2023 17:42

Then don't marry or live with a man who has kids. They come as a package.

Who are you to say that? It isn't a situation with rules, and my DP would no more expect that than I would agree to it.

If you don't want to help with stepchildren then why would you insert yourselves into their lives to make them feel crap and unwanted? That doesn't make sense.

And that is my opinion, which we are all sharing on this thread, so I can say that.

SheilaFentiman · 22/08/2023 17:43

spitefulandbadgrammar · 22/08/2023 17:42

The children were fed a school lunch. The children were put into wraparound care. The uniforms were worn Friday and Sunday and none of us know whether that’s what constitutes “dirty” or whether they were filth-encrusted Dickensian rags. At OP’s house they’re fed properly, they just choose not to eat the vegetables, which is true of millions of children. Neglect and bad treatment is very different and the upsetting thing is actually posters conflating “OP didn’t make her stepchildren a ham sandwich before she drove them to school” with the shocking and appalling things truly neglected children go through, and thus minimising what neglect means.

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Amen, sister