Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

So complete twats on here. Truly.

Proving my previous point that apparently cooking for them, helping with homework, doing school and club runs as well as spending fun quality time with them counts for nothing.
So why would anyone be upset at OP for not doing more "nothing" stuff on top?

Yes obviously the dad should be doing it however he isn't and the op is purposely not doing it so it isn't getting done and the children are uncared for so what is the solution ? Not having the kids 50% of the time is probably a good start nobody is going to change.

A penis doesn’t stop you working a washing machine. Their DAD knows, he thinks it’s fine, it’s not OPs job to ‘correct’ his parenting. Is he being spiteful too by not doing it?

Exactly.

The depressing thing about this thread with all the 1950s martyr mummies on it is that it portends that the next generation will be a repeat of the same-old, same-old, as little boys learn that they cunty people are there to do their work for them.

I mean I would have washed their clothes and checked they would be fed but I think moving to 50:50 is probably not the best idea. However the kids will realise week days are not the same as weekends and the ‘fun house’ becomes the same as most other households during the week when there’s school / work / routine to be kept to.

Surely you've partly created the situation by refusing to parent them and allowing your house to be the fun house? I think it's unfair on the kids to allow them to come if you know you won't help parent because it is them who will suffer if your DH doesn't step up. Better to say no, I don't want this and accept the consequences that might bring.

"I honestly don’t see how somebody who has a baby with the step childrens father is unwilling to actively participate to the smallest degree of saying ‘is everything sorted for the kids tomorrow’ when she is the one taking them to school."

She has said she asks him if things are done, and he says he will do it later.

It's not clear that she is the one who routinely takes the DSCs to school on a Monday, given she was taken by surprise when her DH swanned off and had to put them into the before school club that day. Possibly he takes them and she takes hers, for the most part (eg schools/day care in different directions)

Is there some reason their dad is unable to put them in clean clothes and make them a packed lunch? Is there some reason their father is unable to ‘step up’?

Marrying a man with DCs does not mean you have to pick up the slack from a Disney Dad who thinks parenting is to do the fun stuff. The children already have two parents and it is their job to ensure their own children are cared for properly, and that does not mean dumping it on someone else with no discussion.

OP I completely agree that this plan has disaster written all over it.
Your h has to have an overnight personality transplant and start chasing up the boring stuff like whether the kids have brushed their teeth and the kids have to accept that your house isn't a fun house any more. I doubt that will happen and I predict you being the bad cop and he remaining fun dad and not parenting. The kids will blame you and your h will piss you off by not stepping up.
It's good that you've been clear that you won't do more parenting and can't make adjustments like your children's hobby schedule. It sounds like your h isn't listening though and thinks that everything will be fine. Things might be fine with the kids mum but she is going to be furious when your h doesn't have a personality transplant and become a responsible parent and you don't cover his arse.

Just say NO.
Taking on four kids full time is a huge undertaking and of course it would be different if they had lost their mother, but they haven’t!

They want to move in to Disney house because it’s easy.

@senior30

"I don’t care to carry on going round in circles. Some people are on board with an adult being deliberately spiteful towards children that existed before they laid eyes on their partner and some aren’t."

Including you, as long as it's OPs child in retaliation!

Not only is it child neglect, it's a petty obsession with doing as little as possible. Who the fuck stands at the laundry basket and segregates washing according to who it belongs to? And decides to only wash the clothes of the children who are biologically her own? It's so petty and lazy. And sends a very clear message to those SC that they are not on the same level as the other 2 children.
Horrible, horrible, horrible.

I’m far from a 1950’s martyr mummy. My partner spends the weekends at various sports clubs and being what mumsnet would call a Disney dad. So I do the washing and school prep, if I was doing the running around and fun stuff it would be the other way. OP says her husband spends a lot of time at sports clubs etc, why is it so unreasonable that she could do a wash whilst he’s out?
it works 50/50 in this house, I wouldn’t expect my partner to walk in after a full day out with our kids and start washing. You’re also missing the point that she does it for her own children, how bloody hard would it be to throw 2 extra uniforms in?

"Who the fuck stands at the laundry basket and segregates washing according to who it belongs to? And decides to only wash the clothes of the children who are biologically her own? "

Please note the posts that say OP does laundry in the week and the kids arrive after school on a Friday.

Then apologise to her.

"You’re also missing the point that she does it for her own children, how bloody hard would it be to throw 2 extra uniforms in?"

See above.

There are some shocking responses on here!

OP, if I were you I would come up with some very practical questions such as "How will you (DAD) make sure their uniforms are washed each day?" and "Will you make their lunch in the evening after work every day?" Then you can divide the chores that need doing so that all your children are looked after by both of you. If you are at home more, then you may take on more of the home chores and your DH takes on more of the financial responsibility but either way it should be fair and agreed upfront.

I don't believe for a second that the above will work though if I'm honest as I simply don't believe your DH is prepared to step up. If you don't think he can either then absolutely do not agree to a change of arrangements.

I've also learnt from this thread that I'm a neglectful parent. News to me but it must be so given how many posters have claimed that going in to school in a uniform that was worn the previous day (or the Friday before) is disgusting, neglectful and awful! As a single mum working full time (often logging on after the kids had gone to bed and working late into the night), I regularly realised too late that there were no clean school shirts and used to pick the cleanest looking one, spray it with febreeze and give it to the kids to wear. I had no idea Social Services would have taken the kids away had they realised! I won't mention the state of their packed lunches the one term I gave in and allowed packed lunch...(last night's chow mein featured at least once). Best tell my happy and very much alive young adult children that they should feel more traumatised by the terrible parenting they had to endure! 😊

Oh for goodness sake don't be ridiculous that isn't what's happening .

I’m far from a 1950’s martyr mummy. My partner spends the weekends at various sports clubs and being what mumsnet would call a Disney dad. So I do the washing and school prep, if I was doing the running around and fun stuff it would be the other way. OP says her husband spends a lot of time at sports clubs etc, why is it so unreasonable that she could do a wash whilst he’s out?

So you are, in fact, a 1950s martyr mummy.

For those saying kids tease kids who smell... at 7 and 9 or so (again, since they get homework but also have access to a before school club, I assume the DSCs are junior school age) - polo shirts that were, probably, clean on a Friday probably do not smell on a Monday.

This is not excusing the DH from not washing them! It's just melodramatic to equate it with bullying or whatever!

So are we assuming that the uniform OP’s own child comes home in waits until Monday? or is it likely that she does what everybody else does and washes them on a Friday. We’re also forgetting that it’s TWO uniform washes per month. Fuck me how does anybody cope with the weight of that responsibility.

I am not impressed that the step children went to school dirty. If you have children just at weekends then the laundry rota should include time for sorting out their clothes, either by having an extra uniform they can wear clean on Monday whilst their dirty clothes are washed midweek along with the rest of the laundry or an extra wash at the weekend is factored in. Not saying OP should be doing this at all but as an adult in the house I would hate to send them to school in dirty clothes, but I would be kicking DH up the arse if he wasn’t stepping up as a parent and I wouldn’t have had a child with him if he wasn’t showing great parenting skills with his current children

Well, we don't actually know that her children are of school age.

But yeah, I had about 6 polo shirts per kid when mine were at school, so if I ran a wash on Thursday, there would be 4-5 clean ones in the drawer for Monday even if I didn't run a wash at the weekend. her kids live there full time.

And OP has said she does not do laundry at the weekend.

DH could also solve this problem by buying spare uniform and that getting chucked in the wash every other week.

You expect me to apologise to someone who allows children to go to school in dirty uniforms and without any food?

Hell would freeze over before I'd say sorry for calling her out on that.

Guess what? Washing machines work every day of the week. So what if the Op would prefer to only do washing in the middle of the week (is anyone this inflexible??) It would take seconds to throw all uniforms in the machine on Friday night.

She doesn't care about the SC and has a two tier system going on. Her own children are the Golden children, and the SC are neglected. I honestly cannot believe, that some people can be so cruel to little kids. It's a shocking read.

I wouldn’t have the heart to send my step children into school without clean uniform and lunch. It may not be your responsibility but you know it’s happening and it’s the children who are being punished. I’d rather be the adult they can rely on if their own parents are that useless and I’d be having strong words with my husband to step up.

That’s me, tragic for me really isn’t it. Having to do one load of laundry because my partner is out of the house 7 hours on a Saturday in the pissing rain so I get to stay at home and relax.