Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

I’ve read, I don’t need a snarky, patronising comment from you as if you’d said something so deep I couldn’t possibly understand, so can you answer my question now? Why does OP doing it for their shared child, and her own child, mean she has to do it for his kids too? Why can’t he be grateful that she already does it for their shared child, and pull his fucking weight and do it himself for HIS children?

@VickyEadieofThigh not sure where you got that from. I reread the op's posts and she said that her oh got a bill for their food . That implies if was because the kids had no credit on their account to pay for their food, so yes they would have asked for food.

The op has said it has only happened a handful of times but that is still too often for me.

I totally agree. If you have step children, you need to appreciate that there is a possibility that the children will live with you full time. I am also curious about the first child of op. Does the partner have anything to do with parenting them?

I just cannot wrap my head around dropping off any child without lunch and in dirty clothes.

I wonder if the op is realising how useless her husband is and she's had to resort to dirty uniform and he still Is useless and doesn't care !

This makes me think of "relationship agreement" like in the big bang theory-good idea!

If they are going to school on Monday in what they wore on Friday then your DH isn't particularly good at looking after them. Put your foot down now. No negotiating without your involvement on how everything is going to work without you.

I won't lie, I do find it strange that if you were washing your DC uniform it wouldn't cross your mind they also had uniform while you were doing yours anyway, particularly when you know how inept/lazy your DH is. And yes, it is HIS responsibility but I couldn't intentionally do that to kids and as you know he does it every week, it definitely comes across intentional on your part
If you actually read OPs posts it won't come across as intentional, you will see OP just doesn't do laundry over the weekend.
Neither do I, last load goes in on Friday night, I don't want the house cluttererd with airers while the kids are all home. One day my DSD will learn to put her stuff in on Friday night instead of dumping in on her floor and them wondering why it's not washed when she goes back to her mum's on Sunday night... One day
..

Surely if kids are wearing uniform when back from school on Friday you pop it in the machine then as a matter of course It would have all weekend to dry. It takes 30 seconds to pop in machine

I could understand that the first time but she says ‘with the dirty uniform, it happens every time’. So she is well aware that come Monday they will be in unwashed clothes, she’s making a decision to not wash them despite knowing that this will happen again. That’s just cruel, why not at least have a discussion with their dad? Ask on Sunday have the uniforms been washed. She’s being deliberately spiteful towards innocent children.

some people shouldn’t be step-parents and that’s fine, clearly OP is one of these people but decided to marry him anyway.

I know you’ve had a thousand opinions here but here is mine: he is a neglectful parent. He is never fundamentally responsible for their needs. He does not take responsibility for their eating veggies, having clean clothes, doing homework, having lunch for school. He parents when he has the time or when it’s fun enough. I would have to tell him that in those words and say those kids get by here on weekends. If they move in for more days then that it will be neglect unless I step in. I will not do more when it takes time from my children, but I also cannot live in the same house as neglected children, so I will have to move out wiht my children. Am I being clear enough? Unless you turn into a responsible parent and I have seen that over a period of time, if your older children move in then I and my children move out.

Their father should've, yes.

As that didn't happen, the poster you quote is right that it was too late to get a clean one sorted on Monday morning shortly before leaving for school.

You sound absolutely vile. The kids were in dirty uniforms and without any lunch?

Honestly, I'd call Social Services and report you, if I knew who you were.

Hands down, this post is the most awful thing I've ever read on here, and that's saying something. Those poor, poor children.

Let me guess, your own biological children had clean uniforms and a packed lunch?

You knew your DH had kids when you married him. You must have known that there would be times, when you as the adult would have to do some parenting, if your DH was absent?

If you're washing your kids uniforms, you could throw in the SC uniforms. What is the obsession with doing as little as possible, instead of being a decent human being?

If you're washing your kids uniforms, you could throw in the SC uniforms.

She isn't. RTFT and calm your tits.

It doesn't mean she has to, he is the one who should be doing it and also taking turns with their shared DC. But he's not and she clearly isn't bothered as long as her DC are clean.

It's like telling people who have concerns that a child that lives in their street who is dirty every day/sometimes doesn't have lunch not to notify anyone because it's not their business. Fortunately that doesn't seem to be the case here, only every other weekend, but anyone who thinks that sort of thing is acceptable because it doesn't affect their own kids isn't exactly full of morals. This should have been raised with the Mum because the Dad doesn't care either. It's not good enough being a passive bystander.

Your main headline should be "some people shouldn't be parents".
OP does alot of step parenting of the kids, shes just rejecting being made defacto dogsbody.

A penis doesn’t stop you working a washing machine. Their DAD knows, he thinks it’s fine, it’s not OPs job to ‘correct’ his parenting. Is he being spiteful too by not doing it?

How old are his kids?

I agree with this. Especially -- "I wouldn’t want my children to be living somewhere if everyone wasn’t on board with it and their basic needs were not going to be met by either adult in the house"

@ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh You need to make it very clear to their mum what has been happening and that if they live with you they will likely be neglected by their dad and you have no intention of stepping in. You say the kids are lovely and that they would laugh at the idea they are being treated differently. I suspect at some point they are going to become very resentful at the way they are being treated by their dad, but may be too "lovely" to say anything.

You say he's a good dad but forgets the "boring bits". Leaving for work without getting his kids ready and to school, not organizing care in the morning, not washing their clothes and sending them to school in dirty clothes, not arranging food for them, allowing them to miss their activities, making sure they have everything ready, reading to them, decorating the house for their birthdays is not the BORING BITS. It's not all "the little things a mum does". It's the basics of parenting.

Make sure their mum knows what you've said here:

"My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me."
"The thing is I won’t do it, and the kids will miss out."
"I already leave everything for DH when the kids are here."
"They often go to school on a Monday in the dirty uniform they came here in on the Friday."
"DH used to just leave for work at Monday and just assume I was going to get the step kids ready and take them to school."
"I told them to put the uniform on and left them at school and told them to go into the before school care room and stay there."
"They had no lunch etc so he got a bill for canteen and before school care."
"I don’t make sure the washing is done"
"I assume their dad has organised care in the morning when we both have to work"
"If my kids have something on that will always take priority."
"If they live here they will often not have their lunch packed or clean uniform."
"They will miss out on their activities because my kids have something on or because I don’t want to drag my youngest out yet again."
"I work and also put a lot of time into my kids, I do all the sport, running around, and it’s the little things like spend time making sure they are on top of their homework, they have everything they need ready, read to them, decorate the house when it’s their birthday. You know all the little things a mum does. I can’t do that for my step kids. And that is what worries me."
"He does a lot, but forgets the boring bits."

The kids go on a Friday it could be done then. They then have the rest of the weekend to be fun house!

It could be done on Friday but their father isn't doing it.
OP has her own routines and ways of managing her responsibilities for herself and her children. She's not going out of her way to not do anything for the step kids, she's just not necessarily going out of her way to do it because she's more than pulling her weight already.

Father neglectful. Step mother not doing it all for him. Which is her prerogative.

Kids suffering.

@SheilaFentiman

I honestly don’t see how somebody who has a baby with the step childrens father is unwilling to actively participate to the smallest degree of saying ‘is everything sorted for the kids tomorrow’ when she is the one taking them to school.

I have a step daughter, I am not her parent but when all 3 kids (1 step) get put to bed on a Sunday night, I make sure everything is ready for the morning. This is normally along the lines of ‘ is the uniform and lunch done for SD?’. If it isnt my DH will then do it.

The fact that there is another adult in the house capable of delivering basic care makes the OP complicit in neglect. Her husband is obviously lazy and neglectful, but the fact that OP knows this and doesn’t intervene, means she is too as far as I’m concerned. They are children.

In my opinion, having any involvement in poor care of children is morally crap.
I do however, appreciate OP is telling the parents she will not be offering care to her Step children, so it is on the parents now.

I could understand that the first time but she says ‘with the dirty uniform, it happens every time’. So she is well aware that come Monday they will be in unwashed clothes, she’s making a decision to not wash them despite knowing that this will happen again. That’s just cruel, why not at least have a discussion with their dad? Ask on Sunday have the uniforms been washed. She’s being deliberately spiteful towards innocent children.

She doesn't wash at weekend however I am surprised she hasn't set up a routine or insisted her DH does where the kids are told to put uniform in Friday and take out and hang up - so they rapidly remember themselves and remind one of them it needs doing or as it just happens as they get older as they start to do it - but again that's how I parent and other's do it differently.

Where does she say that she does a lot of step parenting? Because I have read all OP’s replies again and as far as I can see she picks them up from school on a Friday and ‘sometimes’ takes them to clubs. I do that for my friend’s children, that’s bare minimum at a stretch.

I don’t care to carry on going round in circles. Some people are on board with an adult being deliberately spiteful towards children that existed before they laid eyes on their partner and some aren’t.

For goodness sake, of course you have to be honest. It would be a completely different dynamic to the one you have now and awful to contemplate. They'd probably soon want to go home to their mother and you and husband would feel as though you'd failed.

Do not do it, please.