Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

I’ll be honest OP, you sound like a pretty shitty person. I really hope your dh doesn’t do ANY parenting of your child that lives with him, if I was him I would now be making sure I didn’t. You knew he had children when you met him, it’s a fair assumption that those children will be part of family life. I don’t even want to finish what I could say because I don’t have words.

How about "oh, wait I'm totally wrong and the useless dick should be parenting his own kids"?

If OP doesn't voice the shortcomings to both parents and stop or get agreement for DH to step up, then she will also be culpable if this scenario is allowed to continue imo

If you find that ironic you’ve entirely missed the point. I would absolutely stop any and all involvement I had in the care of my step child if my partner was behaving as the OP does. She hasn’t said he doesn’t do any parenting of her child, only that she refuses to do so for his. Adults who are happy to see children treated this way will never cease to amaze me, you can pretend the OP is right but ultimately there are 2 children being treated appallingly. I hope that all of the people agreeing with OP are never step parents.
It’s really easy to avoid involvement in parenting other people’s children, just don’t marry somebody with children. Why does mumsnet act as though these poor children didn’t exist prior to OP’s decision to marry their father.

Well that's fine if you think dropping kids off with an unordered lunch is fine. Other people don't and I imagine a big eye roll from school.

I would never be a step parent for sure. Just the idea of any more than 2 children makes me want to die.

I can’t see how they’re being used as pawns. They want to move in because they enjoy living with her and their dad. She doesn’t think it’s a good idea based on the evidence that dad only wants to participate in the fun stuff, and everything else is already left to her, so no reason to think that that won’t be the case for the other two children. Their dad and his ex are negotiating care arrangements without the input of the OP - so who exactly is the pawn here ?

I would have been tempted to drop the kids with DH at his work, saying that he needs to sort clean school uniform and lunches for them before taking them in himself. And then make it clear going forward that I will only take children to school who are fully-dressed in clean clothes with their bags and lunches packed.

I've seen a couple of dads doing drop-off at holiday club who have forgotten basics like sun screen, hats and water bottles. Our holiday club turns away kids who don't have what they need for the day. Strangely enough, it's not a mistake people seem to make twice.

This - I thought it was a mental load/wife work issue.

I've just had a long weekend of IL acting like all the kids stuff just happens - lots of passive voice ie isn't it great stuff just happened or attributing the work to others and it does get annoying and I think even one more child let alone two and I'd have been too stretched and crumbled.

All I can suggest is an email where you are clear - that you kids activities takes priories' ie you aren't stopping your kids current activities so you can ferry step kids to theirs - that while you are happy to help and make them feel welcome you are not their mother so DH will need to be home to do more basic parenting making sure uniforms are clean giving more than 5 min notice pack lunches are needed- though can see that will be a minefield to phrase that clear enough and to avoid offence.

If you find that ironic you’ve entirely missed the point. I would absolutely stop any and all involvement I had in the care of my step child if my partner was behaving as the OP does. She hasn’t said he doesn’t do any parenting of her child, only that she refuses to do so for his.

No, you are missing the point, because she HAS said that he doesn't do this stuff for her child, and you are literally arguing, for the second time now, that you would behave exactly as OP would in the position of being with a partner who doesn't do any parenting of your child but expects you to do parenting of theirs, and you still don't see the irony.

By the sounds of it you just need to have a honest conversation with your DH and DSCs mum. You’ve already made your mind up that you don’t want the extra responsibility of 2 more children and are not happy with them coming to live with you.
Luckily I’ll never have to deal with my children having a step mum as they have no contact with dad but I wouldn’t want my children to be living somewhere if everyone wasn’t on board with it and their basic needs were not going to be met by either adult in the house.
I don’t quite understand how you run out of time to do washing on the weekends, sounds more to me that you refuse to do anything different to meet you DSCs needs and surely if your in the house on a Sunday evening then you know if a packed lunch had been made for them or are you oblivious to what goes on in the house when your there.
Not saying you should have to do the packed lunches but I can’t see how you wouldn’t have known earlier that they weren’t made or a conversation wasn’t had about if they were done.

Absolutely right, please push this

It’s shitty because she’s making a conscious effort to avoid doing very basic things. I don’t understand how you can defend sending children to school in dirty uniform without food. Mumsnet is like a parallel universe because I don’t know one person who would behave this way.
It’s not about living with them full time, they currently spend SIX days per month there. It’s not that difficult to make lunch and wash uniform twice per month is it. OP has allowed her partner to behave this way and that’s on her, doesn’t mean she should allow the neglect of his children

I don’t understand how you can defend sending children to school in dirty uniform without food.

I agree. In the OP's shoes, I think the best thing for her to do would have been to have refused to take the children to school at all in that state.

OP has listed upthread some of the parenting tasks she already undertakes for her DSC so you've just made yourself look pretty silly.
What OP has said is that she can't and won't be made responsible for everything they need full time.
It's difficult to see how any reasonable person could argue with that.

In all honesty I wouldn’t actually allow a strangers child from down the street to go to school presumably unwashed, in dirty uniform and without any food or a care about how they get food. You would and that’s fine 😊. If defending child neglect is a hill you want to die on then go ahead

The problem with that is she had to get to work. Who'd have had them?

Is your relationship with their motherhood enough that you can ring her for a chat about this? Because I think if you two are on the same page (I'm sure she can't be happy about the thought of them leaving her) then you can get your desired outcome which of course is almost certainly the best one for his children

It’s also clear the children are being treated differently. It’s not about tit for tat, they’re his kids, these are mine, you’re a blended family when they're with you. Surprised OP is maintaining her DH is a good Dad whilst being open that he is failing to provide adequate care. The set up will not work and will be detrimental to their well-being.
OP if you left both your kids with him for a weekend, would you expect him to provide for one and not the other because one is biologically not his?

I am laughing at all the ranting at the OP. When really, this is, as it so often is, a DH problem!

It wouldn't' surprise me if the SC's mum is happy to let them come live with her ex for a while becuase she's tired of the Dc telling her how lovely it is at Dad's house while she's fully aware that she's the one who is organising everything, doing all the thinking etc and she's just tired of it.

Depending on where his work is, drop them off with their dad. He can then sort lunches and uniform and get them to school.

In all honesty I wouldn’t actually allow a strangers child from down the street to go to school presumably unwashed, in dirty uniform and without any food or a care about how they get food. You would and that’s fine 😊. If defending child neglect is a hill you want to die on then go ahead

But you would leave OPs kid to do so, if she didn't help with your kid? You know, like OP is doing....

Is the irony of the position you have stated sinking in yet? Or do you just want to avoid it because it makes you look silly?

OP if you left both your kids with him for a weekend, would you expect him to provide for one and not the other because one is biologically not his?

People keep saying things like this - but the difference is that this would be agreed upon and arranged, not just habitually dumped on him.

But she had to get to work, and got 5 minutes notice of the lunches. Without information about his location or her role, we can't assume this would've been doable. You really need to know that before saying it would've been the best thing to do.

It’s shitty because she’s making a conscious effort to avoid doing very basic things. I don’t understand how you can defend sending children to school in dirty uniform without food

It didn't occur to Op or the Dad to clean the uniform at weekend - probably too late when OP realised to do anything.

She didn't have time to do pack lunch as no-one let her know one was needed- and they were fed by the school and the Dad was billed.

Not ideal and I assume wouldn't happen more than once or twice.

I think this is part of the issue - while for her kids she is apparently in charge and knows what needs doing with Step kids she not in charge but is being expected to just know what they need.

I think this is her concern with more time - the man here clearly doesn't see this stuff and assume she'll sort it all - and she worried that means more mental load to care for more kids rather than him stepping up and doing more.

TBH I'd have just made routines and checked but I don't have step kids and my DSis who did for a time says you can get your head bitten off for asking to many questions or making assumptions - as it can be seen as overstepping very easily - basically doing too much or too little it's easy to be in the wrong though assume that depends on people involved.

Why did you tell them you'd go along with whatever they decided when it's not what you want? Ok, you've said they have to work out how they will do it without you, but do you not think if she knew they were getting sent to school without lunch and in dirty clothes she might not be quite as happy with the arrangement?

I won't lie, I do find it strange that if you were washing your DC uniform it wouldn't cross your mind they also had uniform while you were doing yours anyway, particularly when you know how inept/lazy your DH is. And yes, it is HIS responsibility but I couldn't intentionally do that to kids and as you know he does it every week, it definitely comes across intentional on your part.

It's sad they would have the embarrassment of having to tell the school they don't have lunch or any money for schools dinners. Also feel a bit sad for your DC that they are treated differently too. Might be a 'fun house' but as they get older they are going to realise the blended family isn't so blended after all.

Just tell them you don't want to do it. Explain the kids already go in dirty clothes and no one washes anything for them (what happens with their weekend clothes? Does their Mum send them or do you have spares that don't get washed either?) so unless your DH starts doing that and taking them to school as it's not your job it's not in their best interests to spend more than the little amount of time they do already.

When you say he does all their sports clubs, do you mean every other weekend or does he do all that during the week and when it's not his weekend too?

I would genuinely be fuming if I found out my children were away from Mon-Fri only every other week and never had clean clothes so you should definitely be sharing that with her.

None of the DC had a choice in the 2 of you getting together, you must have known what he was like but still married him and had DC. Feel it's really unfair on the kids but I can't get my hand round the dirty clothes thing.

Don't know how you can respect a man who is happy for them to go out like that. If you ever split up you know he won't do it for your shared DC either. you'll know they'll be dirty all weekend right into the Monday. And presumably won't even see your own DC from a previous relationship ever again as they are separate from all the other kids and not his responsibility.

More I think about it, the sadder it is.