Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

Why have you assumed OP made lunch for the shared DC, or that they need a packed lunch at all? They may very well be at childcare provision and getting fed there, or on school dinners if older.

I would leave him. He isn’t going to look after his kids unless there’s nobody else to do it. As long as you’re there he’ll keep trying to push it onto you. And if his kids end up being neglected and social services gets involved, they will start looking at your kids too.

They are being treated differently if they don’t get same treatment as yours kids - like clean uniform/activities prioritised.

However IMO it’s not YOUR responsibility to ensure they get equitable treatment. Their dad would have to make it work.

Good lord, it's like they're still married and you're the nanny and maid.

Yup.

Over the years exDH has bought spares of lots of things as passing back & forth often doesn't work - wellies/ swim shorts/ trainers. We also buy some extra uniform for the reason in the OP- which he contributes to! You know, like a functioning father?

I think the point here is that you have time and energy to deal with the mental load and all the boring "wifework" for 2 children (and as a sidebar, in my experience, as your youngest gets older, you are going to start to resent this but that's a different issue), but you don't have the time and capacity to do it for 4. Which is why you don't have 4 children, but have only 2.

so whether these are step children or your own children or whatever, the key issue is that if you are going to have them living with you more often, then your Dh needs to step up and do some of this additional work. And you are, understandably, not convinced that you can rely on him to do this.

I am not sure how you fix this but my best suggestion is that you'd need to agree certain tasks that are on you or on him for all four children. eg, you do washing and uniforms but he is 100% in charge of sorting out lunches. If there are 4 sets of activities to attend each week, you will do half and he does half. etc etc.

This sounds unfair for the two step kids, who uses innocent children as pawns to prove a point. This set up isn’t going to work, it sounds like you want to keep his kids completely separate from your kids, you’re a blended family, shouldn’t you all be working together to do what’s best for the kids.
Did you do no washing all weekend? Or did you purposely take his kids uniform out?
Do you also expect your DH to do nothing with his step-child?
Poor kids!

Seems to me the kids want to live with you full time because they perceive it as the ‘fun’ house - like being on holiday. Maybe instead of negotiating towards that, your DH and his ex should be talking to the children and pointing out that it will be far less ‘fun’ on a daily basis than when it’s just every other weekend, because the boring mundane stuff, not to mention the discipline has to be dealt with. They should also point out that as you don’t have the time to do much more than you’re doing now, they will be expected to help out around the house - possibly more than they do with their mum. See how ‘fun’ they think it is then.

And it’s not down to your DH and his ex to work this out between the two of them. Yes, they are their children, but you will be involved to a greater extent than either of them so it’s important you have your say before they come to a decision. Make your voice heard OP and don’t allow them to bully you into doing something you don’t want to do.

I suppose have a think about if you and him split and your shared child goes to him eow and his new partner does what you do. Would you be happy with that?

@toomuchlaundry yes, I’d have the same routine, it works for me, but I would expect their dad to pop their uniforms, sports kits etc in the wash On a Friday night once they were in bed (or first thing Saturday morning) it just wouldn’t be on my radar as I try to switch off work including housework and shopping - my thought process just doesn’t go there. I plan it all in the week.
I can imagine OPs Monday morning. Usual routine getting the younger children up, sorting herself for work maybe on autopilot. Then, in that moment as she sits for a with her coffee before ushering everyone out of the door, realising “where are the DSC’s? They should be here eating with us. noooo not again! he’s gone off to work and they’re still asleep. It’s not as if I haven’t mentioned it’s his responsibility to him once or twenty times…all he has to do is make sure they are awake and getting dressed… they like to see him in the morning.. we agreed it’s his job whist I organise the younger ones. Cue dashing to get them up and fed out. Got to leave earlier than planned (yet again!) as she has an extra school drop off. The SC have to go in earlier than usual or the others will be late, including the mum. He’s not got their uniform clean and ready, the packed lunches have not been bought let alone made. There’s nothing in the house to make one, (did one of them remember to get something? Was it clearly reserved? ) and certainly no time to do it. ..
Why should she have to nag him every week (and I expect she does at least mention it then expect the parent to be able to remember)
And most pp’s are blaming her!

What thread are you on, because it’s clearly not this one !!

Well the inequitable treatment is clearly not impacting on them if they want to live there full time is it ? And the point is, the OP knows their dad won’t make it work - he’s Disney dad and she’ll end up doing everything.

I’ll be honest OP, you sound like a pretty shitty person. I really hope your dh doesn’t do ANY parenting of your child that lives with him, if I was him I would now be making sure I didn’t. You knew he had children when you met him, it’s a fair assumption that those children will be part of family life. I don’t even want to finish what I could say because I don’t have words. Sending children to school with dirty uniform and no clothes repeatedly is shameful, are you packing your own children’s lunch? Do you wash their uniform or do they have to go to school in dirty clothes too?

Unless the shared child went to live with his father and his new partner full time, it’s not the same thing at all.

This. I mean how often to people say "God how do you manage with 4? My 2 are enough". "4 kids? Wow! How do you do it?" "I can't imagine having 4 kids, it must be so hard". My mum had 4 and would get these kinds of comments all the time. But according to some posters it should be a skoosh for OP.

People also don't seem to get that it's not just the practical stuff but the mental load that can be overwhelming.

OP had to get to work - what was she supposed to do when the DH swanned off without checking that lunch was done or booking them into the morning club?

This is pretty ironic. He doesn't do any parenting of her child, or much for their joint child, which is why she's "making sure" she doesn't do any for his. So what you're saying you would do in his shoes, is exactly what OP is doing, yet you've called her a shitty person. Guess you must be a shitty person too!

Really you can't even think of anything that would make this an issue ?

My points were very relevant, what’s vile is using kids as pawns.

What does your own older child think of this proposed arrangement? Does he or she have a good relationship with your husband and his children?

Yep.

No. They get fed and OP gets to work on time. I wouldn't be fannying about making packed lunches for any children if there was a school canteen.

The OP said they aren’t being treated differently, I pointed out they are and you seem to agree with the caveat that it’s not impacting them (implication being there is a difference?)

It’s clear the OP doesn’t think it will work, I don’t think it will either because he is an ineffective Disney dad.

I don’t think OP should do it for him - I suggested a written schedule BEFORE a decision is made.
I don’t think it’s fair on OP or SC for them to move in.

Why is it shitty ? Yes, she knew he had kids but that doesn’t mean anticipating, or agreeing to, them wanting to live with her and their dad full time ? And why isn’t the OP involved in the negotiations towards care, given that she’ll be the one expected to step up ?

The reason that the children want to live there full time is because they like being there - it’s fun. So the OP can’t be the shitty person you think she is if that’s the case. She has two children - if she’d wanted four she’d have had them, and she’s prioritising them on the time she has available. Did you miss the part about her DH being the Disney dad, who only want to participate in the fun stuff - the everyday care will be left to her, for all of them. If the DSC aren’t in clean uniforms and don’t have their packed lunch, that’s down to their dad, not the OP. He needs to step up if this is what he wants.

This. I am in a similar situation as OP and accepted when I met my stepdaughter that I would be in charge of doing some basic parenting: i.e. ensuring she tidies up after herself, eats her dinner and is clean. Tbh it can be fun. I enjoy helping her do her hair and take pride in her appearance and surroundings and it's a way to bond. I do not do anything close to the day to day nitty gritty her mum does, I do that with my dd. No lunch and dirty clothes is failing to meet their very basic needs. Kids bully other kids that smell. Everyone knows this. And allowing that to happen to a child in your care is taking part in neglect.