Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

The problem with lunch was I didn’t know I needed to pack it until 5 minutes before I had to leave for work.

I really should’ve have used that as an example, but it’s what I worry will become everyday.

It’s more of an issue that broccoli gets left of a plate and dessert still gets served. We both do this.

YY re the lunch - I thought it might be that, a last minute discovery.

Let's refresh what OP does for the kids (and has been told repeatedly counts for nothing)

I feed them but don’t argue about eating vegetables. I reminded them to do their homework and help if asked but I don’t make sure they do it. I pick them up on a Friday after school when they are here. I sometimes take them places they need to go like sport, but I don’t always stay and watch

To my mind she's playing her role as a support act and team member, her DH needs to come to the party and nag about the veg and the homework and hang around the soggy football pitch or whatever.

It's so demotivational to be unappreciated for what you already do. No bloody wonder OP isn't jumping up and down at the thought of the golden opportunity to left with even more work and hassle (and probably even less appreciation than she gets now)

This is what will happen to me.

One of your posts stated that the no lunch issue was a couple of times.

@ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh So message/call H every time something like this happens. Don't make the kids suffer, point out every bit of neglect and insist it changes and he starts to act like a parent. And obviously say no to the kids being with you full time. Also have a think about your child from a previous relationship and how you would want them to be treated by a new partner.

Yep, it's mean and unpleasant - so why did their useless prick of a father not do the basic care required for HIS kids?

No wonder his first marriage broke down.

It will become an issue because your DH is a shit parent.
Would he tell you if he hadn’t sorted shared DC food/clothes?

Does mum even know her children are being sent by DH to sch in dirty clothes (she may think the clothes got dirty on the Monday)

This 100%. Don't make the kids suffer but sort the issue out with the dad.

I was with you until I read the bit about dropping them off to school in dirty clothes, no lunch and in a care room.

I understand you do not want to parent as they are not your children, but I honestly read that as you being slightly complicit in neglect. It wouldn’t matter to me who the children belong to, I would make sure bey were cared for first and foremost and then take up my annoyance afterward.

Exactly. If he can't get his shit together enough to turn around uniforms over a weekend then why doesn't he go out and buy spares? Probably because that would take some fucking effort and wouldn't be a "fun" activity. Or make sure he has money left out for the kids lunch if he can't be arsed making packed lunches.

So is there two separate loads of school washing to be done then? Your kids/his kids? How will you decide which load joint dcs clothes go in? Sod the environment or electricity bills, as long as there's no blended washing. You surely knew by having to make the lunch of joint dc lunch up that step dc hadn't had theirs, or do you think dh made step dc lunch and neglected joint and were OK with that?

He usually says he will do it later than never does.
I don’t know if she knows. She is genuinely happy with everything. It would be different it the kids were here more.

What do you suggest? OP stops working in order to provide the level of care that their father should be doing?

I agree with everyone who says that you absolutely shouldn't be forced to pick up the slack for their lazy, selfish father. He needs a reality check and to realise that a) children aren't a hobby and b) women aren't interchangeable service humans.

That said, I couldn't live in a situation where I felt I had to send children to school in dirty clothes, drop them off early and leave them to explain why, or send them without lunch if that wasn't their usual arrangement so, again, they have to explain it to their teacher. It's not your responsibility to do everything for them, their father isn't doing it, so you are stuck with the choice of either knuckling under and doing all his parenting for him, or being complicit in two children being repeatedly failed. I wouldn't be prepared to tolerate either scenario. I would be furious with him and would probably rather split up than put up with it.

OP, you know your partner is a bit of a lazy loser.

He doesn't forget the boring bits, he chooses not to do them because he is lazy.

You would be mad to entertain this for one minute.

Theirs mother will have 2 children 50% of the time and you will have 4 children 50% of the time with their loser father leaving you to it.

Don't do this to the children or yourself.

Sorry I should say I do washing during the week. I run out of time on the weekends.

Does dad work on weekends or is he at home?

@ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh why don't/won't you confront DH and the kids mum with the facts?

What if there was enough food for 2 but not for 4? Who goes without? Or do 2 children have lunch from the school canteen like they did?

Honestly, the number of people here who want them to have a (possibly short commons) packed lunch rather than a school meal is ridiculous

Yes, it's no surprise. He needs to be a bloody parent and OP needs to re-evaluate whether she wants to be with a man who can't parent properly.

My DP was online last night sourcing a new, waterproof jacket for school for my teen, as he lost the last one. He picked up some new stationery for him the other day. He asked what we're doing for my eldest's birthday in 2 weeks. Because he's a good man who parents his own DC & helps parent his step- children.

There isn’t an issue with the kids being treated differently. The kids would laugh at that comment as the s kids are very happy here. It’s that they wouldn’t get the time they need from me if they were here more.

I do washing in the week, DH irons usually on a Sunday.

MY DH would have done the washing Fri evening.

Yours isn’t caring for his DC.
How much housework does he do? If any?

This isn’t a SC issue.

You need to push this issue - tell them that the nitty gritty details MUST be worked out now, to make sure that everything WILL work - otherwise your suspicion is that all the 'working out' and picking up of the slack will be left to you.

This is a huge decision, and cannot be done flying by the seat of the pants - it needs proper planning, otherwise everyone will suffer.

Also @ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh you haven't mentioned how old the step children are, they must be young because from about the age of 8/9 mine started to become aware themselves of their dads shortcomings eg he didn't wash their clothes