Step kids want to live with us full time.

[ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

My dh has two children to a previous relationship. They are with us Friday to Monday every other weekend. I have one child and we have one child together.

Our blended family works fairly well. Step kids are lovely and a credit to their mother. Dh is a bit of a Disney dad, but does put a lot of time into them.

I have a great relationship with the kids, but this is because I don’t parent them at all, as in I don’t force them to clean up, do homework etc. I just enjoy the fun parts of life with them.

Our time with them is fun, they have boundaries but it’s generally the fun house. The kids want to live here full time. I don’t think it’s a good idea because I am not going to put the time into parenting them like I do with my kids. My dh works until late so most of the parenting would be left to me.

The kid’s parents are negotiating what to do, but I don’t know if I should be honest about my concerns.

This

@SheilaFentiman I just can't get on board with all this point scoring at the kids expense. If something hasn't been done, then I'll do it. As long as it's done, it really doesn't matter who does it. I've washed my stepsons uniform numerous times and my kids no longer go to school. Last night I put him to bed because DH was unwell and couldn't manage it.

But saying that, sounds like the dad needs to make more time for the children and do these jobs when he can but I also don't think OP should flat out refuse to help out either.

I don't think anyone has said on this thread that the dad isn't a problem. But she is too.

I blame whoever created the word "step" to describe these relationships-through-marriage. You never hear people bleating on about how your MIL is also your mother and so you need to treat her the same way you treat your own mother.

@aSofaNearYou So essentially you are saying that adults feelings and wants come before a child's needs and feelings?

I'm sure if every other week dad washed all the uniforms, OP wouldn't have a problem washing them all on the other weeks. But that's not what's happening here. OP is expected to wash everything every week. Dad is doing fuck all.

I totally agree. The problem is him and this should be explained to both their mother and the stepchildren, rather than the obstacle to them moving in being the OP. She has made her boundaries clear, Dad is not stepping up, so the children need to be spending most of their time with their mum because being in clean clothes and having a packed lunch are needs and she seems to be the one meeting them, not Dad. OP says they are lovely children but that can change quickly in the 'fun' house and she will probably find life becomes a lot harder. How is this Dad going to be when dealing with hormonal teens? I would not sign up for it.

My friend split from the father of her DCs. They had c 50:50 care and her ex immediately got his mum on the case to pick the kids up from school. When mum got too frail, he used to leave the Kids at school and they were shunted to after school club - which then went onto my friend's bill.

If the ex had started living with another woman and done the same, would many posters be yelling at her that she should go to school and get them because she knew what she was getting into, cohabiting with a father?

Or would you rightly recognise that he was a prick, putting his DCs in this situation?

@Laurdo I genuinely don't understand why anyone would cause issues or make an argument out of having to wash some clothes and make a lunch. It's just not worth causing upset over (for the child)

but still a stepmum, and by getting with a man with children you knew what you were signing up for.

Ffs it used to be funny how often people said this, but now it's just annoying.

I can only hope this is coming from posters who haven't done much reading around the subject but to everyone else it should be blatantly fucking obvious that people do NOT all sign up for what you think they do, some of us are very explicit about the fact that we did not and do not sign up for that. So regardless of whether you think this is what people SHOULD sign up for, you are just plain wrong to think this is what everyone DOES expect to sign up for. As has been discussed literally thousands of times on threads like this by now.

The dad seems to not do laundry, ensure healthy eating etc for the two kids he currently lives with either. So OP does it, for her kids.

It's not point scoring when the DH's penis prevents him from being arsed to do basic household things and the OP doesn't want to do them all.

What's the problem with not having a lunch to take? They get lunch from the canteen & dad pays for it. I do not see any problem there!

I wholeheartedly agree here.

OP, you shouldn't be shouldering all the work, but you married him knowing he had children, so popping some washing on/ chatting about lunch isn't a massive deal.

My DP moved in with me & my 2 DC. We have our own DC too, but he's always always loved my boys & been a parent. Their dad is very active in their lives, and will always be their dad, but my DP is an excellent step-dad & will do whatever we all need. That's what you do as a decent person who makes a decision to be in a relationship with someone who has children.

The children are better off at their mums sadly she will do all.thebasics whilst their dad and you can do the fun stuff and be a hoot!

I feel terribly sad for their mum. This would devastate me if it was me.

I was with you until the dirty clothes and school lunches comments. If you're already making school lunch and washing clothes for your DC, it seems petty to not do it for the step children. I also have a blended family, and although I'm with you on the disciplining and parenting side of it, I could never see them being borderline neglected. You need to bring this up with your DH urgently if for whatever reason you feel these are his tasks.

It's not point scoring. It's just not doing someone else's job for them.
The children have come to no actual harm but I'd argue watching their SM become more and more downtrodden and resentful at being made to become the family drudge would cause children of either sex alot of harm long term.
You only have to look around this thread a moment or two to see how little girls are having this message impressed upon them from a young age - "you don't matter, you don't get a say, you must pander to a man and do all the work".
Fucking round of applause.

Typical mumsnet pile on the step mother. OP sounds like she does plenty for these kids (if you read all her replies) and it’s her husband who needs to wake up to his responsibilities, particularly if he wants to take them on 50:50.

OP, I hope you get it sorted, and continue to voice loudly that you will not be taking on the extra work. You already do plenty.

I think OP is painfully aware of the dads shortcomings and I wonder if the line in the sand of not doing things is to try and make him step up. I also suspect that OP knows that this isn't working, hence rigidly sticking to it in a passive aggressive way to make a point without actually having to confront the parents, which is what is needed.

Trust me. Just say NO. Because I’ve been here. Everything ends up with you because full time you can’t leave a children at school or not doing their homework or failing. You can’t leave them hungry or dirty. So you end up doing EVERYTHING. I had this and a very stressful job. I would be up until 1am in the morning after cooking, cleaning and caring trying to print documents for important meetings the next day. I nearly had a breakdown as Disney dad just wanted to sit and cuddle children. He and I had hideous arguments. But I was totally exhausted and desperately unhappy.
You will appear to be the unreasonable one.
But what can you do once they are there. I am sure you are not hard and it’s so difficult not to care for children.
The kids won’t accept discipline from you which is why they don’t want to live with their mother. But I’m the other hand you will be the one making everything work for everyone else.
So in the end I threatened to leave.
My partner eventually rented another small house for him and the children (much older by then) as I said I wouldn’t do it any more and he had all the pain of his decision, cleaning, shopping, discipline of cleaning rooms etc.
I helped them but fundamentally it was their home.
It was an immensely painful thing for me to make him do but it was the only solution for what he and their mother wanted.
If I had just put my foot down and not allowed them to move in I would have saved everyone so much pain. Including the children.

What I've concluded from this thread - same as from many MN threads - is that I want to be a husband and have a wife. There is no cheaper, more flexible form of domestic labour than a wife. Bonus points if you're not actually married and can shaft them asset-wise in a separation. Yes, you could hire a cleaner or a nanny, but you'd still be expected to organise, sort and engage brain cells. A wife is the only form of domestic labour that (if you play your cards right with sufficient strategic incompetence/ staying late in the office) means you can offload the mental load and emotional labour as well.

but the point is clearly not being made, and there is no putting a stop to anything. op says the kids always go in dirty uniform because he doesn't care. she doesn't even mention if she brings it up to him, so it's not about a short term protest to get him to see sense. it just boils down to the fact that she's happy to observe and contribute to the kids being neglected and treated as less than.

I am saying everyone's needs are equally important and this is an important hill to die on. He will simply have to change.

@Backagain23 It is point scoring. The kids go without because the adults are too busy trying to assert their rights of what they should and shouldn't be made to do. If there's an issue, then discuss it. Don't use the kids as some sort of bargaining chip.

But he's not! He's getting an absolute roasting, as he should. A parent who thinks playing sports is the main focus and neglects clean clothes, food, homework, boundaries, emotional regulation is a fun uncle at best, not a parent. The OP is also getting a hard time, quite rightly, for not realising you need to have some care & responsibility for children she lives with sometimes.

And if you were in a permanent relationship with someone would you expect them to be able to find two minutes out of their busy schedule to put the washing machine on so their children had clean pjs/school uniform or would operation of the washing machine be seen as women work? As a single parent you have to do all the parenting , been there got the clean t shirt, but the OP isn’t a single parent, she has an able bodied partner who isn’t pulling his weight.

but the point is clearly not being made, and there is no putting a stop to anything. op says the kids always go in dirty uniform because he doesn't care. she doesn't even mention if she brings it up to him, so it's not about a short term protest to get him to see sense. it just boils down to the fact that she's happy to observe and contribute to the kids being neglected and treated as less than.

Yes, this was my response to OP, if I were her I would be much blunter. But once I've discussed with him all the things I'm not willing to do that I feel he needs to do for his kids, I wouldn't nag him every time, because that would be taking on the load anyway.