Page 10 | Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

hullabalooyou · 2023-08-14T17:24:45+00:00

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same? Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6. Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that. Me and DH also share DC too. So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

aSofaNearYou · 15/08/2023 08:36

There are loads of children I miss and would like to keep in touch with that I have spent time with in my life - my neighbours who moved away, the kids I babysat as a teen (went to one of their weddings recently!), my son's best friend from nursery etc etc

And are there any kids you've known that you wouldn't particularly like to keep in touch with? Kids have personalities like any others, I've known kids I'd want to stay in touch with too, I've also known many that I wouldn't and DSS fits within that group.

Allsweep · 15/08/2023 08:37

aSofaNearYou · 15/08/2023 08:36

There are loads of children I miss and would like to keep in touch with that I have spent time with in my life - my neighbours who moved away, the kids I babysat as a teen (went to one of their weddings recently!), my son's best friend from nursery etc etc

And are there any kids you've known that you wouldn't particularly like to keep in touch with? Kids have personalities like any others, I've known kids I'd want to stay in touch with too, I've also known many that I wouldn't and DSS fits within that group.

No, none that I have spent significant time with.

yogasaurus · 15/08/2023 08:45

It’s so easy for those who’ve never been in the situation to say, ‘oh I’d be this kind of stepparent’

They don’t have a clue.

If I was ever to have split from DH, it would have been over DSC. Yanbu.

Uptoyou34 · 15/08/2023 08:48

yogasaurus · 15/08/2023 08:45

It’s so easy for those who’ve never been in the situation to say, ‘oh I’d be this kind of stepparent’

They don’t have a clue.

If I was ever to have split from DH, it would have been over DSC. Yanbu.

Exactly,

And if you take the logic from a lot of posters here you basically should love anyone you spend a large amount of time with. I mean, I don't know about you but I spend more time with work colleagues in week than I do my DP and I certainly don't love them

JudyJulie · 15/08/2023 08:54

I am absolutely confident that if DH and I were not together or DH were to die, that I would never see my SD again. She has been hostile to me from the beginning and after 22 years I cannot see at changing at all.

The same thing happened to my BF. She had been married 25 years when her DH died suddenly five years ago. She has not seen any of her SC since the funeral.

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/08/2023 08:56

Very cold and I feel for the children.

Think it's odd tbh.

aSofaNearYou · 15/08/2023 09:22

No, none that I have spent significant time with.

Well I think the majority of teachers would agree there are some kids who they will miss a fair deal, and others they are more glad to see the back of.

mondaytosunday · 15/08/2023 09:22

Well a bit because of their ages and the fact they are your children's siblings.
I have two stepsons who were 12 and 14 when I married their Dad, the oldest one lived with us until he was 18. My husband passed away suddenly seven years after we married when our children were 4 and 6, and his kids were young adults.
It's now been 14 years and I make an effort to see them, mainly because of my children. I also still see my in laws.

JudyJulie · 15/08/2023 09:39

@Willyoujustbequiet it was never what I wanted. I tried so hard when I first knew SD to ensure that she was not sidelined, tried to keep her involved, but I was caught between a hostile SC and a flaky XW and a Disney Dad who I now realise never parented her at all.

I never expected to be a second DM to her, but I did hope that I could be a significant person in her life. However, despite all my efforts, when someone has never willingly started a conversation with you in 22 years, it is time to let it go.

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/08/2023 09:50

JudyJulie · 15/08/2023 09:39

@Willyoujustbequiet it was never what I wanted. I tried so hard when I first knew SD to ensure that she was not sidelined, tried to keep her involved, but I was caught between a hostile SC and a flaky XW and a Disney Dad who I now realise never parented her at all.

I never expected to be a second DM to her, but I did hope that I could be a significant person in her life. However, despite all my efforts, when someone has never willingly started a conversation with you in 22 years, it is time to let it go.

That's so sad. It sounds as if you did everything you could and that she was failed by her parents. Your situation seems very different.

NosinaBook · 15/08/2023 09:57

It's the adults responsibility to agree on parenting approaches and to work as a team. It's very immature to blame the children for difficulties in your relationship.

yogasaurus · 15/08/2023 09:59

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/08/2023 09:50

That's so sad. It sounds as if you did everything you could and that she was failed by her parents. Your situation seems very different.

Show quote history

But this kind of experience is quite common for step parents. That’s why judgy comments calling people ‘cold’ for not wanting to keep in touch when you have no idea of the circumstances, is unhelpful.

aSofaNearYou · 15/08/2023 10:52

NosinaBook · 15/08/2023 09:57

It's the adults responsibility to agree on parenting approaches and to work as a team. It's very immature to blame the children for difficulties in your relationship.

Not sure who this is aimed at but in my case - DP and I do agree, I just find DSS's behaviour trying and frustrating.

I wouldn't say I "blame" him but it is because of him. Sometimes agreeing on how to parent doesn't mean it actually works.

Justtobeclear · 15/08/2023 11:31

aSofaNearYou · 15/08/2023 08:26

You're not odd at all, in fact it's the ignorant preciousness of people like this that makes step parenting so isolating at times. They always expect you to love being a step parent - perhaps if they didn't, less people would go into it clueless about how tough it was going to be.

I see my step child a lot like my other in laws. Yes I've known him a long time, but when you split from your partner, you might want to stay in touch, or you might want a clean break. I would want a clean break. I would likely be upset about the split and continued contact with his family would draw that out.

On top of that, my DSC has always been the biggest source of stress and frustration in my relationship. So it's really more like expecting someone to want to stay in touch with one of the difficult MILs you see talked about on here. Not likely, is it.

Exactly this.

I always stress to friends about to get into step-parenting that you absolutely cannot know what you are getting into.

I would not attempt to see my SS again if I spilt with my DH and I don’t think you are in anyway abnormal.

AmazingSnakeHead · 15/08/2023 12:13

SemperIdem · 14/08/2023 22:48

Ah yes, because everyone enters into relationships expecting them to not work out, and are irresponsible for doing so.

The greatest blame can of course be placed at the feet of the parents of the stepchildren, who just couldn’t keep their shit together, by your logic.

Show quote history

Hardly. When you have a baby with someone you expect it to work out, sure, but you also expect that if things did go wrong, the other parent would continue to be a parent to their children. It is not the same as introducing unrelated adults into a family who would just vanish from the children's lives if the relationship broke down.

mosiacmaker · 15/08/2023 12:17

This is so sad! I love my ex step mum and we keep in touch all the time, I feel that she is very fond of me as well. I would honestly wonder if you’re a bit of a psychopath to have not formed any bonds with someone you’ve known since they were 4 :(

Betafeta · 15/08/2023 12:25

mosiacmaker · 15/08/2023 12:17

This is so sad! I love my ex step mum and we keep in touch all the time, I feel that she is very fond of me as well. I would honestly wonder if you’re a bit of a psychopath to have not formed any bonds with someone you’ve known since they were 4 :(

That’s a bit much 😳

Its not always about wanting but about circumstances, if the children are young how can you (after ending a relationship with their father) remain in contact?!

As previous posters have said just because you’ve spent time with the children it doesn’t automatically equate to love, there are many different scenarios in place and unless you’ve been in that exact situation you can never understand

notlucreziaborgia · 15/08/2023 12:47

It’s strange how people are shocked, as if keeping contact with a former stepchild isn’t the exception to the rule.

Uptoyou34 · 15/08/2023 12:48

mosiacmaker · 15/08/2023 12:17

This is so sad! I love my ex step mum and we keep in touch all the time, I feel that she is very fond of me as well. I would honestly wonder if you’re a bit of a psychopath to have not formed any bonds with someone you’ve known since they were 4 :(

People really be on here calling step mums psychopaths because they don't love their step children? I've seen it all now...

Willyoujustbequiet · 15/08/2023 13:36

yogasaurus · 15/08/2023 09:59

But this kind of experience is quite common for step parents. That’s why judgy comments calling people ‘cold’ for not wanting to keep in touch when you have no idea of the circumstances, is unhelpful.

Show quote history

In those situations I would completely agree. But when the children are young and people appear to be able to walk away without looking back or any thought given as to how it may affect them then yes it's cold. It's weirdly lacking in empathy to the point of not being normal.

FrenchandSaunders · 15/08/2023 13:44

I don't have step children but I find it odd that you have no emotional connection to children you have known that long!

Justanything86 · 15/08/2023 13:56

I'm no longer in touch with my ex's children. I started off with seeing them occasionally but stopped around 6 months ago.

I really miss one of them in particular however the relationship with their dad was one that had been really damaging to my self esteem and the kids were encouraged to join in ie 'oh I see you've managed too keep your flat tidy' etc so I'd end up feeling the same as I did when I was with him a bit (useless, not worth much). Plus everytime I saw him he would be a bit flirty/ handsy despite having moved on fairly quickly. I just couldn't keep putting myself through it.

It's easy to say what you want to do but different in practice.

JusthereforXmas · 15/08/2023 14:00

Thismorningissoboring · 14/08/2023 21:17

I think it might be sad for the kids, I think they’d probably form an attachment?
Gosh, I’m a teacher and I get terribly attached to the kids just in one year and am sad to see them go, but perhaps it’s not the same thing.

A teacher sees a kid for approx. 6 hours per day for approx. 200 days out of 365... thats 1,200 waking hours. More than many parents spend with their kids.

I dont think I spent that long with any step mother and they where in my life 5+ years... hell I'd be surprised if spent that long with my fathers since my toddler years.

I got along fine with my step mothers, even went on holiday with one once... but they where still just bio fathers girlfriends.

I liked them the same as I liked my SIL (who was in my life for over a decade) but once her and BIL divorces her you just move on. My ex-SIL didn't want to hang out with her ex's family as it was a bad reminder of a failed relationship... no hard feelings and its fair to be the same in this scenario.

JusthereforXmas · 15/08/2023 14:08

Uptoyou34 · 15/08/2023 12:48

People really be on here calling step mums psychopaths because they don't love their step children? I've seen it all now...

Show quote history

Yep, just knowing a kid now apparently means you should be ready to sacrifice everything as if they are your own blood ffs.

I have known most of DS classmates since they where 4 (reception) they are now 14/15. I have been to their birthdays, xmas plays, was at their confirmation, accompanied them on school trips, had play dates, hosted them for near a dozen parties, PIL have photos of them in their house (class photo) and more.

Not to sound rude but outside of basic human niceness (as in not wishing them any harm and being polite/friendly) I honestly couldn't give two fucks about virtually any of them. In 2 years they are likely to leave school and me and DS may never see any of them again.

I mean certainly haven't seen anyone I went to school with since 19 and even then those where accidental encounters because I still lived in the area.

AliasGrape · 15/08/2023 15:19

JusthereforXmas · 15/08/2023 14:08

Yep, just knowing a kid now apparently means you should be ready to sacrifice everything as if they are your own blood ffs.

I have known most of DS classmates since they where 4 (reception) they are now 14/15. I have been to their birthdays, xmas plays, was at their confirmation, accompanied them on school trips, had play dates, hosted them for near a dozen parties, PIL have photos of them in their house (class photo) and more.

Not to sound rude but outside of basic human niceness (as in not wishing them any harm and being polite/friendly) I honestly couldn't give two fucks about virtually any of them. In 2 years they are likely to leave school and me and DS may never see any of them again.

I mean certainly haven't seen anyone I went to school with since 19 and even then those where accidental encounters because I still lived in the area.

Show quote history

But were you married to any of their dads? Because if not it’s not the same.

I don’t agree with calling the OP a psychopath but yeah I do think it’s pretty bloody cold to be a step parent to a child from them being 4, for 6 years and not really give a shit if you never saw them again. Because they’ve been (hopefully a big) part of your family for that time, and if they haven’t then that’s bloody sad.