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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

444 replies

hullabalooyou · 14/08/2023 18:24

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

OP posts:
KajsaKavat · 15/08/2023 19:04

I was in DH1s sons life from age 2 until 10 29 years ago and miss him occasionally. I would have happily stayed in contact if that had been natural.

frecklejuice · 15/08/2023 19:06

I’ve been with my husband for nearly 19 years and his kids were 7 and 9 when we got together, if he died or we split I would only keep in touch because they are our shared kids siblings. I couldn’t imagine ringing them for a chat or just meeting up, they come here to see my husband it would be weird if they came to see me!

pinkyredrose · 15/08/2023 19:09

Riapia · 14/08/2023 19:14

What was their reaction when you told your DH and his DC’s that?
I hope you broke it to them gently.

Why would she tell them?

useitorlose · 15/08/2023 19:21

I have known DSD almost all her life, and when she was under 9 spent several weeks of school holidays with her in our home full time. We moved overseas due to a job change (2018) when she was just turned 9, and since then I have seen her twice in five years. Much as I enjoy her company when she visits, given that I have no contact with her in between those visits, I would not expect to have a great deal to do with her once DH has passed, if he predeceases me (he was 44 when she was born).

aSofaNearYou · 15/08/2023 19:32

laylababe5 · 15/08/2023 18:30

You have a child together who are your DCs siblings. Even if you don't feel any particular bond with them it would be a bit odd to not arrange for your DC to see their siblings regularly if you split.

No it wouldn't - it would be their dad's job to do this. I can see this argument if he died, but not if they just split.

Guavafish1 · 15/08/2023 19:33

fair enough but I love my stepson! I would see them again

celticprincess · 15/08/2023 19:36

My kids have a half sister. Their dad was with her mother for a few years then split. They have no contact with the lady they were told to refer to as stepmum for several years (they weren’t married and I hated them calling her that but they would buy her presents and cards at gift giving occasions that said step mum). They see their half sister regularly when all have the same contact time with their dad. My eldest talked about this woman for a good year before then forgetting about her. She never gets a mention these days.

I don’t think it’s unusual. Maybe if they’d been on their lives longer it would be different.

Katey83 · 15/08/2023 19:37

No. Stepchildren are akin to in-laws. You might despise them, you might be super close but when the attachment to their family member ends, your attachment to them does to, more often than not. People without step kids are a little nuts on this subject. It’s not to say you don’t care for them. You are family by marriage and when a marriage ends so do familial ties.

Roxyroxroxrox · 15/08/2023 19:37

I think it’s very sad.

My mum and stepdad split. I still see him, my child calls him grandad.

I can’t imagine being in a kids life for that long and just walking away. I guess it depends how long you plan on your marriage lasting but my stepdad was in my life for 20 years… would you just not see them after that long? If they’ve had children you’ve bonded with too?

DysonSpheres · 15/08/2023 19:38

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 15/08/2023 16:02

The thing is, for the majority of step parents, when the relationship breaks down they have absolutely no rights to see the children. It's all at the discretion of the parents and we all know how that goes for the majority of cases.

So basically people expect/want Step Mothers, to love the kids to bits, to want to keep seeing them, to miss them desperately and then end up miserable and heartbroken, because at the end of the day they have no fucking choice wether they will see those children again or not.

And they're psychopaths for keeping that in mind and not deliberately putting themselves through that?

But love is ALWAYS a risk.

Presumably you don't wed your beloved and then continue to exist in a permanent state of anticipated breakup, building hedges and walls of emotional separation with your step-children 'just in case' you may not be in their lives one day.

And if you do then maybe the bond with your husband is based on insecure attachment.

A more positive view would be to open your heart and hope for whatever good comes and if the worst happens, perhaps they might choose to keep in contact of their own volition.

If course the worst scenario does happen and of course not all children are easy to love. But such is life.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 15/08/2023 19:39

When my stepmum and dad divorced one of the only reasons we kept in touch was my dad was being awful as he was an alcoholic. When she got into a new relationship we still kept in touch and if I saw her with my half siblings that was great but we certainly didn’t go out of our way to keep in touch and I wouldn’t have blamed her if she dropped contact.

thegirlwithemousyhair · 15/08/2023 19:41

See absolutely nothing wrong with that. If you're not in a relationship with their father anymore and you no longer see him, why would you see his children? Besides which, they will probably want to move on themselves especially when he finds a new partner. Its entirely up to the children at the end of the day in any event. You can't force them to have an ongoing relationship with you.
Just agree to disagree and leave it at that.

Shade17 · 15/08/2023 19:45

Very cold. I’m as close to my step parents as I am to my real ones.

Daisylookslost · 15/08/2023 19:52

YANBU I love my DSC but they’re not my child, if I split with DH I could never see them again and live happily.

Carpetislife · 15/08/2023 19:54

I wouldn't miss my SS either and wouldnt need to cut contact, as he wouldnt be bothered. We get on fine, but have no bond. I'm not particularly fond of him, but I always show him kindness.
It's hard to like other people's children when they're a pain. All we can do is be kind to them.

notacooldad · 15/08/2023 19:54

Each to their own I guess.
I know step parents who have never seen their step children after divorce but I've also know some complicated but successful relationships.

Dh has an employee. His partner's children were in their early teens when they got together and late teens when they split. The 3 lads are now adults but after a going to uni two have moved in with him and the third is a regular visitor and they all get in. Mum lives in a different county.
Whatever works.
My sister split up from her sons step father when the child was 12. He is now 32 and he still goes fishing and kayaking with his ex step dad. He just introduces him by his name without going into the in and outs of ' this is my mum's ex husband and my ex step dad.....'
Why not. He was a nice person when he was married to my sister and still is a nice guy.
Probably outed myself to the circle that know sister's situation 🤷‍♀️

saffy2 · 15/08/2023 19:55

I think it’s awful personally.
It’s in my will that if I die that my son stays with his stepdad and half sister here in this house, his father hasn’t questioned this because this is where he lives with us.
I would be absolutely disgusted in my partner if he said what you said to be honest, and this would probably result in questioning of the relationship.

Morganrae1 · 15/08/2023 19:57

I have a stepson who never lived with us. He was 6 when his Dad and I got together and everything was fine until we got married 2 years later. He didn't want to see me at all which I went along with. He loves his half brother very much and always spent time with him when my husband went to see him. We reunited about 10 years after we got married and he says he knows he missed out on things. I love him unconditionally and if I split from his father I would make sure to keep in touch because my daughter sees him as her brother and he sees her as his sister. He got married 2 years ago and I was sat on the top table with my husband and his stepsons mother. It was a beautiful day and I felt like I was watching one of my own get married. He introduced my daughter to everyone as his sister which was so sweet. My 2 love him and it would feel so bad to not get together with him and his beautiful wife. He's 37 now and I am as proud of him as I am my own. Sorry for th long post!!

Original poster
hullabalooyou · 15/08/2023 19:57

I’m presuming then if you dh passed away you would just wash your hands of them also?

What does this mean though? If DH wasn't around at all to facilitate the sibling relationship I would ensure, or try to, that they still saw their siblings. But no I wouldn't want to continue some sort of Co parenting relationship with their mum where they still lived with me for some of the week and stuff. I'd expect to just get together every now and then for the siblings around when it worked for everyone until they were old enough to meet up by themselves.

OP posts:
saffy2 · 15/08/2023 19:58

When I was pregnant with our daughter I said to my partner, I’m really worried you’re going to love her more than ds because she’s yours. And he said ds is mine too and I’m really worried I’m going to love him more because I already know him and love him and this is a new entity.

I can’t imagine having someone in my child’s life who doesn’t love them and think of them as their own. For clarity, his step mum also loves him as dearly as her own.

im really quite aghast at this thread. As I always am when blended families are discussed on here and I’m so glad that my son isn’t subjected to any of this. It’s awful to read all this.

Original poster
hullabalooyou · 15/08/2023 20:01

Personally I find the idea of loving someone else's children as much as my own more shocking than not doing so. Certain circumstances aside I.e. no other parent around so you've assumed that role completely etc.. I could NEVER love another child like I do mine. Personally I suspect some step parents just say they do when they don't really but each to their own. My husband is well aware I don't love his kids like I do ours. He's never seen that as a problem.

OP posts:
Carpetislife · 15/08/2023 20:05

@saffy2 there's no need to be 'aghast' and it isn't awful. What works for you is different for other people. It doesn't mean that people don't get on with their SC, it just means they haven't bonded.
I cant force the feeling I have about my own, for my SS, and I think that's OK.

saffy2 · 15/08/2023 20:07

Carpetislife · 15/08/2023 20:05

@saffy2 there's no need to be 'aghast' and it isn't awful. What works for you is different for other people. It doesn't mean that people don't get on with their SC, it just means they haven't bonded.
I cant force the feeling I have about my own, for my SS, and I think that's OK.

Yes and that’s your prerogative. I don’t think it’s ok, I think it’s appalling. And that’s my prerogative 👌🏼

Allsweep · 15/08/2023 20:08

hullabalooyou · 15/08/2023 20:01

Personally I find the idea of loving someone else's children as much as my own more shocking than not doing so. Certain circumstances aside I.e. no other parent around so you've assumed that role completely etc.. I could NEVER love another child like I do mine. Personally I suspect some step parents just say they do when they don't really but each to their own. My husband is well aware I don't love his kids like I do ours. He's never seen that as a problem.

There's quite a large continuum between loving them as your own and not caring if you never see them again.

excelledyourself · 15/08/2023 20:10

Daisylookslost · 15/08/2023 19:52

YANBU I love my DSC but they’re not my child, if I split with DH I could never see them again and live happily.

That doesn't really sound like love.

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