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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Friend shocked by what I said - is it really just me?

444 replies

hullabalooyou · 14/08/2023 18:24

Was talking with a friend earlier who I seem to have shocked with my admission that I wouldn't go out of my way to see my stepchildren again if me and DH ever hypothetically split and that it wouldn't pain me not seeing them either. She was very surprised by this (she doesn't have any stepchildren) and I wonder if I'm just cold or if others feel the same?

Context is been with their dad 6 years since they were 4 and 6.

Get on well, I have my gripes sometimes but who doesn't in any family? On the whole it works well. I stay out of parenting in the main, they have their mum and dad for that.

Me and DH also share DC too.

So I am unreasonable for thinking in a hypothetical situation if me and H were to split, aside from natural occurrences, birthday parties of our joint DC etc.. I'd not go out of my way to continue a relationship with DSC nor would it upset me not seeing them anymore.

OP posts:

AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 15/08/2023 16:02

The thing is, for the majority of step parents, when the relationship breaks down they have absolutely no rights to see the children. It's all at the discretion of the parents and we all know how that goes for the majority of cases.

So basically people expect/want Step Mothers, to love the kids to bits, to want to keep seeing them, to miss them desperately and then end up miserable and heartbroken, because at the end of the day they have no fucking choice wether they will see those children again or not.

And they're psychopaths for keeping that in mind and not deliberately putting themselves through that?

JusthereforXmas · 15/08/2023 16:06

AliasGrape · 15/08/2023 15:19

But were you married to any of their dads? Because if not it’s not the same.

I don’t agree with calling the OP a psychopath but yeah I do think it’s pretty bloody cold to be a step parent to a child from them being 4, for 6 years and not really give a shit if you never saw them again. Because they’ve been (hopefully a big) part of your family for that time, and if they haven’t then that’s bloody sad.

Show quote history

I know these kids better than I knew my step mothers lol.

Being married to someones dad does not mean ANYTHING unless you adopt them and raise them as your own kids.

You are aware millions of fathers are deadbeats and where they park their dick has zero baring on their existing offspring.

I have had 4 step mothers in 35 years (my father gets bored easily)... one of them (from my childhood too) I only met once dispite her being with my father for over 6 years ffs. I wouldn't know her if I tripped over her.

Original poster

hullabalooyou · 15/08/2023 16:13

Just getting back to this thread now. Interesting responses, I didn't think I was abnormal to be honest.

Admittedly I don't feel attached or bonded to the children. I like them, I'm nice to them, I go out of my way for them when needed but genuinely it wouldn't pain me if me and DH split up and I didn't see them. I have never felt like I missed them when they've been on holiday or not come round for one reason or another. I don't feel I love them no. Their mum didn't want me massively involved to begun with, which is fair enough, there was a lot of stuff about them not being my children so I shouldn't do this or that, that's fine, I understand but it does mean I don't feel like a parent to them in any way shape or form now and I haven't bonded with them much.

I do find it a bit strange when people say they were heartbroken about not seeing a friends child again or something like that. There are lots of children in my life, children of friends for example, that I like and even enjoy the company of, but none other than my own DC that I'd be devastated never to see again. To me that's a very extreme reaction and I'd have to be extremely close and attached to a person to feel it. I'd say the only people I'd genuinely be absolutely heartbroken not to see again would be my kids and my immediate family so parents. There are people I'd miss, friends etc.. but I could move on relatively quickly in comparison to those few people who I genuinely feel I couldn't live without.

Agree with PP, I don't know why it's different or should be different because I married their Dad.

OP posts:

Original poster

hullabalooyou · 15/08/2023 16:16

Oh and of course I'd not expect my children to never see their siblings again. I'd never ever do that. Whilst I imagine that would mean a low level amount of contact would remain I.e. at birthday parties or whatever, I would expect their shared father to be the main facilitator in the sibling relationship.

I don't think the fact they are my childrens siblings means I must feel more attached or bonded to them though. My children absolutely do love them to pieces, not myself.

OP posts:

LovelyIssues · 15/08/2023 18:12

Its a bit sad but not unusual.

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 15/08/2023 18:13

As a stepmum I find this incredibly sad. I have been in SS12 life since he was 2 and with my DH 10.5 years. I love him and treat him as though he is mine in our home. I would be devastated if I never got to see him again at any point.

wordler · 15/08/2023 18:13

I love my DSDs so I would definitely want to stay in touch and in their lives.

Gendercritic · 15/08/2023 18:20

It entirely depends on the personality of the children and how they have coped with the split in their family as well as what the step parent can bring to the relationship. Being a step-parent can be extremely challenging if the children have found their parents split difficult. I have 3 step children and each has had a different response to the break up and I can see clearly that this has impacted on their relationship with me. Assuming there is no obviously abnormal/abusive behaviour towards them, I would never judge any step-parent for how they feel about their step-kids.

Lulu49 · 15/08/2023 18:24

But they are your childrens half siblings. It's not about you it's about the children, all of them?!

LaDamaDeElche · 15/08/2023 18:28

Do the kids feel attached to you? DD is attached to DP (her stepdad) and doesn’t have a lot to do with her “real” dad. We also haven’t had kids of our own. I’d be really upset if he felt like this. I had a stepdad who always made it clear my mum came first and the love was for her and not me, it really affected my self confidence because I wanted him to think of me as his child. Maybe it’s different for kids with good relationships with both birth parents.

busymomtoone · 15/08/2023 18:29

I haven’t walked in your shoes so in no position to judge - but I cannot imagine sharing my home and life with children for 6 years and not caring if all ties were cut. My friend split from her husband and DSC when the girl was 12 - but became a closer ( step) parent than the father who was often absent - nos the girl is in her 20s they remain close and have a great relationship. Either the kids are brats or you don’t like children much - either way I think it’s odd and sounds quite cold hearted. Sad for the children as if you genuinely loved them I don’t think you could post this - but equally I’m sure you are not alone !

jobie70 · 15/08/2023 18:30

No I don’t think you’re cold at all.. they have a mother.. and don’t need another.. nor would they need daddy’s ex in their life when daddy could possibly move on to another woman.. how confusing for those kids.. hypothetically speaking

WestwardHo1 · 15/08/2023 18:30

I find it odd and cold

But then I find all of MN odd and cold wrt step children and blended families. It's like the default starting point is distrust and dislike, and it doesn't matter if that never changes. It's even more odd if you have children together and your child has half siblings.

I've been with DP for four years. His 22 year old daughter and I are very good friends. I can't imagine just stopping if we ever split.

Moanyoldmoan · 15/08/2023 18:30

I have 3 young kids and have always said I wouldn’t date anyone with young kids. I’ll probably die alone tbh! These comments although realistic make me sad about blended families

NumberTheory · 15/08/2023 18:30

Lulu49 · 15/08/2023 18:24

But they are your childrens half siblings. It's not about you it's about the children, all of them?!

OP has said she isn’t intending stopping her children from seeing their half siblings, she’s talking about her own relationship with them. That sibling relationship would more naturally be facilitated by the children’s father, it doesn’t make much sense for OP to be the one to do that.

laylababe5 · 15/08/2023 18:30

You have a child together who are your DCs siblings. Even if you don't feel any particular bond with them it would be a bit odd to not arrange for your DC to see their siblings regularly if you split.

Backagain23 · 15/08/2023 18:38

Their mum didn't want me massively involved to begun with, which is fair enough, there was a lot of stuff about them not being my children so I shouldn't do this or that, that's fine, I understand but it does mean I don't feel like a parent to them in any way shape or form now and I haven't bonded with them much
Yes to all of this. DSDs Mum really put us all through it in the early days and it's coloured my relationship with DSD ever since. Not in a grudging way or anything like that, I like DSD and like it when she's here, but we definitely don't have the relationship I'd have wanted to build with her.
You can't poison the well then pearl clutch when someone won't then drink from it.

Bluesky85 · 15/08/2023 18:42

I’m not in this situation so don’t know, but I think I’d really miss them. I think this would be worse if:

I didn’t have my own children as it would be sad to be back to a childless life
if their own mum wasn’t around, as I would feel like I was filling that gap in their lives and then ‘abandoning’ them.

but neither of those apply to you so I can see where you are coming from.

Gingemermaid · 15/08/2023 18:44

There is something called “nacho” parenting which means “not your child “ and as you have discovered staying out of the parenting is the best way.
I made the mistake of trying to parent a step child and it didn’t work . His dad passed away and his mum passed away before we met. He’s 21 now and we don’t see each other . His choice not mine.
it depends on the children . They are young and if they want to stay in touch they will.

Your friends opinion is hers and as she’s not experienced step children I wouldn’t worry about it.

my question however would be why are you thinking about hypotheticals ? Not worth the time or energy. Why worry about something that hasn’t happened ?

Andthereyougo · 15/08/2023 18:46

I never called my ex husband’s children stepchildren, I never saw them as any attachment to me. Like you OP, I was kind to them, looked after them, made sure they were safe, fed etc… but when ex and I separated it never occurred to me I’d ever see them again. How would that even be facilitated? I wasn’t going to contact their ( frankly very awful) mother. I don’t expect the children ever thought of me again tbh. I don’t think you’re strange at all OP.

Pres11 · 15/08/2023 18:49

I’m presuming then if you dh passed away you would just wash your hands of them also?

JLou08 · 15/08/2023 18:50

I'm not a step parent. I do have a several family members who are not biological relations, you would call them step but I never have, I see them no different to biological relations. I've also worked with children and miss children I have only known for a year in a professional capacity and often wonder how they are, even ones from over 10 years ago. So for me, I do find it very cold. I just don't know how an attachment wouldn't be formed in that time. To not love them the same as your own child I could understand but to not have interest in a relationship with them I can't understand. I feel sad for the children, would you actually turn them away if they wanted to have a relationship with you?

DysonSpheres · 15/08/2023 18:52

Colder than Siberia.

MhairiLynette · 15/08/2023 18:54

A lot of it depends on the relationships involved. My BIL met a woman and had a child her. They then split up but BIL continued to see and pay for his DS. The mother had two more children with another two men and none of the relationships lasted. Sadly the mother died and two of the men including BIL took full custody of their children. The third child ended up living with her grandparents but they didn’t really want a child at their time of life. As a result this little girl would show up on BIL doorstep five nights a week. BIL fed her, clothed her, went to parents evenings etc and the grandparents were quite happy to let someone else take responsibility. Although BIL is effectively stepdad he is the man she sees as dad and if anyone had told them they couldn’t see each other again both would have been devastated. BIL SD is an adult now and she still messages him every day.

Mummysaf · 15/08/2023 18:56

I feel the same OP

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