AIBU: Asked to sit in back seat

[Vibing]

Been with DP 4 years. 3 stepkids 16,13,11. The 16 year old is a 6ft man god love him. Love them all to smitherines and want to support partner and them and their mum too.

Ive struggled at times with stepparenting and found the best way is to be disengaged but around. Im there.
Dp defiantely suffers with guilt that the family split and the kids are between two houses. So the kids rule the roost.
My two sons are at uni 21 and 23. We werent a shouty family and the small stuff isnt an issue. I didnt realise how laid back we were. Dp is shouty, he trys to do the authoritarian - this is my house and then berates himself. Ive learned to take a step back. They're all fine with this and have a dynamic that intensely loves and is shouty. I dont get it. But its them. Ive broke out a referree whistle in the past, bashed symbols, maraccas, shouted for alexa to put on rocky music to try and get them to laugh but that was my way of parenting and like i said ive taken a step back.

The kids dont pick up after themselves, like massively massively. Get spoiled with funds and get away with murder. Thats my personal opinion and who am i. Ive come to terms that every other week the house gets trashed and that the vibe gets shouty (i dont jump as much now).
Their mum lives two minutes away and they coparent closely. Teh amount of times Ive been dropped as their mum has stepped in, i cant count and cant argue with. But it still stings. One of them does well with sports and mum, dad and one other child travel to games across one side of the country. I found it uncomfortable but get that they both want to see the games and is mad they both travel seperately. Still uncomfortable. More so as their mum is not okay with me and never has been. At a loss their and learned that theres nothing I can do and its just the way it is.

So to my point - sorry long winded.
I was short and sharp with DP when he assumed I would sit in the back seat so 16 year old (he's 6ft and broad, so get it) can sit in the front. Were going to visit DP family that still has multiple multiple photos of DP ex and Dkids as a family unit on the walls (it throws me, even the mouse pad. i get it but Im already stressed about going). there is a family wedding so were all going.

I compromise on everything, feel I support their way of life but my one draw is that I will feel like an adult, who is a person in their own right. The sitting in the back seat request by DP has really bothered me. Ive offered to hire a bigger car, ive offered to pay the difference on the cost between the current hire car and a bigger one. Dp has said not to and that its not a problem but it means all three are going to be squished in the backseat and will fight. I feel awful for even asking as I know the 16 year old will give DP grief and DP is already feeling the distance that a 16 year old puts between themselves and parents.

How unreasonable am I being?
Be gentle please

You are not being unreasonable at all
id expect my 16 yo old to sit in the bed for any adult

You drive. DH can sit in the back.

Excellent idea.

Putting aside the complicated dynamics, I would willingly sit in the back to allow a taller, broader person to sit in the front.

At times in my dad's car (dad driving) my DH (who is over 6ft) has sat in the back as he has narrower hips than me and there isn't much space as we have two car seats.

So I think in this issue, YAB(a bit)U. However the bigger picture clouds things and I accept you feel you have little say in things and don't want to be 'stuck with the kids'.

My 16yr old 6ft son still sits in the back and yes will squash up if there are 3 in the back and say a friend in the front. Him and 17 ur old 5ft6 dd take turns for the front when it's just us. My ds would not dream of making me feel bad for letting dd take her turn or for picking up a friend and shoving him in the back.

Step family dynamics are bonkers. I'd tell dh you're driving or he can shut TF up and keep his guilt to himself.

If you are already hiring a car, insist on hiring one that is big enough to hold you all comfortably.

Sounds far too stressful do you need to live together?

Thank you for honest input. Dp is insistent on driving, i did suggest I drive. My driving isnt great to be fair.

Sometimes things just get on top of me

I don't think you necessarily mean it this way, but it does come across that your comfort is more important than a 16 year old purely because you're an adult.

It does sound like you've offered some sensible alternatives - is there a reason your husband won't agree to a bigger car?

Alternatively, let them drive and you take the train (upgraded to first class for the trouble)?

Because it is. The 16yr olds comfort and wants are not more important than OPs or the other two siblings. This would be a complete non issue in any other family.

Just like I'm 100% sure if DH was driving his mum somewhere she'd pop into the back seat.

You either sit in the passenger front seat, or you drive and partner can sit in the back. End of.

Where does the ex sit when they drive together on these sports trips OP? I think that’s your answer

Bingo.

Mine is 6'3" and moves to the back seat whenever an adult is in the car with us, even if we collect someone unexpectedly and he's already in the front. He's never been asked to do this and has never complained about being squashed in the back.

I'd be wary that this is less about being bigger and more about women sitting in the back - an attitude I was raised with and wouldn't wish to encourage.

Very good question!

I definitely wouldn't be sitting in the back because I would throw up.

I would suddenly develop car sickness.

It sounds to me like you out up with a lot. I'm not sure what you are getting out of this relationship.

The whole dynamic sounds hugely disrespectful towards you though, and having raised two sons peacefully, I don't know why you put up with such chaos.

Sounds like DP is 'insistent' on many things. Why does he call the shots?

You should 'insist' on driving. You say you're not a good driver, you could use the practice.

see if DH is willing to give up his seat for DSC

They travel separately?

From the OP:

"One of them does well with sports and mum, dad and one other child travel to games across one side of the country. I found it uncomfortable but get that they both want to see the games and is mad they both travel seperately."

I read it as they would be mad to travel separately, I.e they don’t- could be wrong!

I read it like that as well

Tbh, I'd let them go on their own and I'd stay home and have a lovely time.

I don't get all these power dynamics about where someone sits in the car. Surely it's about where people are more comfortable. For example if sitting in a certain position for example triggers travel sickness. If they're are really tall I'd just sit in back. I wouldn't want to make someone uncomfortable due to ridiculous attitudes that adults must always be in the front.

Your problem is that your DO doesn’t listen to you OP. He clearly never prioritises or listens to you.
It doesn’t matter what others would or wouldn’t do this is your relationship