AIBU: Asked to sit in back seat

[Vibing]

Been with DP 4 years. 3 stepkids 16,13,11. The 16 year old is a 6ft man god love him. Love them all to smitherines and want to support partner and them and their mum too.

Ive struggled at times with stepparenting and found the best way is to be disengaged but around. Im there.
Dp defiantely suffers with guilt that the family split and the kids are between two houses. So the kids rule the roost.
My two sons are at uni 21 and 23. We werent a shouty family and the small stuff isnt an issue. I didnt realise how laid back we were. Dp is shouty, he trys to do the authoritarian - this is my house and then berates himself. Ive learned to take a step back. They're all fine with this and have a dynamic that intensely loves and is shouty. I dont get it. But its them. Ive broke out a referree whistle in the past, bashed symbols, maraccas, shouted for alexa to put on rocky music to try and get them to laugh but that was my way of parenting and like i said ive taken a step back.

The kids dont pick up after themselves, like massively massively. Get spoiled with funds and get away with murder. Thats my personal opinion and who am i. Ive come to terms that every other week the house gets trashed and that the vibe gets shouty (i dont jump as much now).
Their mum lives two minutes away and they coparent closely. Teh amount of times Ive been dropped as their mum has stepped in, i cant count and cant argue with. But it still stings. One of them does well with sports and mum, dad and one other child travel to games across one side of the country. I found it uncomfortable but get that they both want to see the games and is mad they both travel seperately. Still uncomfortable. More so as their mum is not okay with me and never has been. At a loss their and learned that theres nothing I can do and its just the way it is.

So to my point - sorry long winded.
I was short and sharp with DP when he assumed I would sit in the back seat so 16 year old (he's 6ft and broad, so get it) can sit in the front. Were going to visit DP family that still has multiple multiple photos of DP ex and Dkids as a family unit on the walls (it throws me, even the mouse pad. i get it but Im already stressed about going). there is a family wedding so were all going.

I compromise on everything, feel I support their way of life but my one draw is that I will feel like an adult, who is a person in their own right. The sitting in the back seat request by DP has really bothered me. Ive offered to hire a bigger car, ive offered to pay the difference on the cost between the current hire car and a bigger one. Dp has said not to and that its not a problem but it means all three are going to be squished in the backseat and will fight. I feel awful for even asking as I know the 16 year old will give DP grief and DP is already feeling the distance that a 16 year old puts between themselves and parents.

How unreasonable am I being?
Be gentle please

A shouty, spoiled load of kids and partner- I'd get the hell out of Dodge, OP.

Don’t go. Just don’t go. It sounds dreadful. Step back from trying to parent these kids. If they trash the house your DP should make sure the place is straightened. Go away for a few weekends while they’re there so he can see how much you do

Take some responsibility, put your big girl pants on and improve your driving. Stop being the eternal passenger.

It sounds as if your dp doesn’t care enough about everyone’s comfort. Do you actually need to go?

Adults sit in the front, kids sit in the back. Isn't that how it has always been? No power play, that's just how it is.

My grandmother was tiny, She always had the front passenger seat whenever we took her anyway and the kids squashed up in the back with whoever wasn't driving.

There's a very unpleasant dynamic going on here, OP. Personally, I'd give the trip a swerve.

DS is 19 and taller than me, when DH is driving we alternate, that seems fair to me. You don't say how long the drive is that also makes a difference. 20 minutes,= no big deal, an hour maybe one goes each way. 3 hours + need a rotation system. This is all assuming no one gets horribly car sick or other extraneating issues.

Not only does he want you in the back, he wants you squished in between or next to a couple of fighting teen/tweens. Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Depending on how excited I was about the wedding, I'd either make my own way there (and stay in a nice hotel that isn't a shrine to the ex!) or bin the whole thing off.

My boys are very tall and my car is poky in the back. They used to sit in the back unless the adult in front offered up their seat, for which they'd be very grateful. Now they're grown ups with their own cars, and their teeny girlfriends ride up front with them regardless of who is in the back.

I'm nearly 6' myself and would still give up the passenger seat for my much shorter Mum - you sit with your knees to the side if you have to, it's not the end of the world.

Do you want to go?
In the past I would do what was expected of me - now I'm old and grumpy I'd do what suited me. And if anyone is offended, annoyed boo,....hooo.

If DP insists on driving then you insist on hiring a bigger car.

Its not a hill to die on IMO.
I just couldn't get worked up about who sits in the front , it's the sort of thing kids squabble over not grown adults.

I think you're projecting all your feelings about the whole set up/dynamics onto this one issue and hoping miracles occur and your dp suddenly sees the light ....he won't.

Plus as you have pretty much removed yourself from family life maybe dp doesn't see the issue. You're not involved in the kids , you say you just remove yourself when they are about ,so it's hard to now want to be seen as part of their family unit with "rights" to the front seat.

Headphones on...sit in the back...ignore the rest of them as you imply you do most of the time anyway

My 6’6” 20 yo DS sits in the back with his two over 6’ teenage brothers. They seem fine.

I am short and I have a cast iron stomach, so I usually sit in the back. But I would not expect this to be taken for granted. Particularly by a child.

I have the car thing with my DPs daughter who is 20. She claims to have car sickness but it’s the way it’s done. She will start in the back and then go very quiet and huffy which leads to my DP getting all concerned and I end up switching into the back, she then gets super chatty with her Dad when she’s in the front and excludes me. It’s definitely a little power play, but for various reasons I let it slide. If it’s her DGM in the front with her Dad she doesn’t do it.

Does this dynamic really make you happy? Is it worth it?

He is a shit parent, these kids rule the roost, the ex is ever-present and hates you, your partner has no respect for you… find someone better quality, this man sounds like a dud.

Yeah I'd base it on where the ex sits when she's in the car with them.

Is this really about who sits where in the car, OP? Or is that just a symbol of a wider issue that's bothering you?

I don't really get the weird adult privilege that means that the adults automatically get to sit in the front when the "children" in question are at least the same size as the adults anyway. It makes no sense to me, because we don't operate on that kind of hierarchical basis that gives adults a higher status than children - everyone's needs are considered equally and negotiated accordingly.

Of course adults have to make the decisions sometimes because they have more knowledge/experience/responsibility etc, but their wants and needs are not inherently more important than those of the children.

I do realise that a lot of families don't operate like this. I see comments about the children knowing "their place" etc and it's clear that the hierarchy and difference in status is really important to some people. I just don't get it personally.

I’m not sure it is adults in the front in 99% of families. With us it’s least mobile then travel sick then biggest. There’s no pulling rank involved. We all respect and like each other enough to care about each other’s comfort.

Yep, that's pretty much how we do it.

Is it your DH who says your driving isn’t great or is it you acknowledging your shortcomings?

OP my son is over 6 foot tall and finds it very uncomfortable in the back, his knees were always digging into the seat in front, to the point that before he got his own car he always got in the front. I think this is just a case of physical requirement rather than viewing you as less worthy of sitting in the front.

Same

How do students manage on road trips? These boys may be big, yes, but when they're at uni/college/have jobs (for the 16yo, quite soon) and they want to go on a trip with their friends somewhere, they will suck up sitting in the back, for hours on end without complaining.

They keep swapping, presumably?

How long is this drive?

I think it's time you reasserted some control in your own home and relationship tbh.
I wouldn't want to live with or travel with these people. And I certainly wouldn't fancy getting enmeshed in a family where my dp and his ex are still seen as a family unit. I understand it's nice for the kids that their grandparents still acknowledge their mum as family and a couple of photos are to be expected, but there should be a little tact from in-laws too and recognition that you are now part of the equation in this family!
Stop letting your dp make all the decisions - assert yourself because they are walking all over you!