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Original poster

AIBU: Asked to sit in back seat

136 replies

Vibing · 07/08/2023 15:25

Been with DP 4 years. 3 stepkids 16,13,11. The 16 year old is a 6ft man god love him. Love them all to smitherines and want to support partner and them and their mum too.

Ive struggled at times with stepparenting and found the best way is to be disengaged but around. Im there.
Dp defiantely suffers with guilt that the family split and the kids are between two houses. So the kids rule the roost.
My two sons are at uni 21 and 23. We werent a shouty family and the small stuff isnt an issue. I didnt realise how laid back we were. Dp is shouty, he trys to do the authoritarian - this is my house and then berates himself. Ive learned to take a step back. They're all fine with this and have a dynamic that intensely loves and is shouty. I dont get it. But its them. Ive broke out a referree whistle in the past, bashed symbols, maraccas, shouted for alexa to put on rocky music to try and get them to laugh but that was my way of parenting and like i said ive taken a step back.

The kids dont pick up after themselves, like massively massively. Get spoiled with funds and get away with murder. Thats my personal opinion and who am i. Ive come to terms that every other week the house gets trashed and that the vibe gets shouty (i dont jump as much now).
Their mum lives two minutes away and they coparent closely. Teh amount of times Ive been dropped as their mum has stepped in, i cant count and cant argue with. But it still stings. One of them does well with sports and mum, dad and one other child travel to games across one side of the country. I found it uncomfortable but get that they both want to see the games and is mad they both travel seperately. Still uncomfortable. More so as their mum is not okay with me and never has been. At a loss their and learned that theres nothing I can do and its just the way it is.

So to my point - sorry long winded.
I was short and sharp with DP when he assumed I would sit in the back seat so 16 year old (he's 6ft and broad, so get it) can sit in the front. Were going to visit DP family that still has multiple multiple photos of DP ex and Dkids as a family unit on the walls (it throws me, even the mouse pad. i get it but Im already stressed about going). there is a family wedding so were all going.

I compromise on everything, feel I support their way of life but my one draw is that I will feel like an adult, who is a person in their own right. The sitting in the back seat request by DP has really bothered me. Ive offered to hire a bigger car, ive offered to pay the difference on the cost between the current hire car and a bigger one. Dp has said not to and that its not a problem but it means all three are going to be squished in the backseat and will fight. I feel awful for even asking as I know the 16 year old will give DP grief and DP is already feeling the distance that a 16 year old puts between themselves and parents.

How unreasonable am I being?
Be gentle please

OP posts:
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MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2023 20:54

WetBandits · 08/08/2023 16:47

Whoever is taller sits in the front so they don’t get squashed! Whenever we go anywhere with DP’s 6’5 friend in one of our own cars, he sits in the front and I’ll either drive or jump in the back/DP will drive or jump in the back because we are 5’0 and 5’8 respectively and don’t need extra space for our legs. There’s never any of this hand-wringing Confused

The seats go back and forth in my car. On average, as men are taller you are advocating for men in the front, women in the back.

It's normally the opposite in my house if we have guests. Because I always drive, and my mum likes to natter. DH and DF would rather sit in silence in the back.

WetBandits · 09/08/2023 04:03

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2023 20:54

The seats go back and forth in my car. On average, as men are taller you are advocating for men in the front, women in the back.

It's normally the opposite in my house if we have guests. Because I always drive, and my mum likes to natter. DH and DF would rather sit in silence in the back.

Show quote history

On average, as men are taller you are advocating for men in the front, women in the back.

Interesting take. My own sister is taller than both me and my DP and she sits in the front while DP sits in the back 👍🏼

calmcoco · 09/08/2023 04:45

I'd be fine with sitting in the back.

I know plenty of people are hung up on the 'adults in the front' rule, it just doesn't bother me.

MissyPea · 09/08/2023 05:45

Adults always in the front. It’s not just about where you sit in a car. I put my foot down with this and now don’t go anywhere with them if he’s driving. In my car adults always in the front (that didn’t go down well either)
I’m actually relieved someone else else has brought this up!
If it was an adult male travelling with them who was a bit shorter than the boy, would they be expected to take the back seat?? I doubt it.

GrumpyPanda · 09/08/2023 05:51

cloudydays97 · 07/08/2023 16:23

I don't get all these power dynamics about where someone sits in the car. Surely it's about where people are more comfortable. For example if sitting in a certain position for example triggers travel sickness. If they're are really tall I'd just sit in back. I wouldn't want to make someone uncomfortable due to ridiculous attitudes that adults must always be in the front.

But you're quite happy to make OP uncomfortable. Got it.

AvengedQuince · 09/08/2023 06:03

So you'd put a 5ft 8 18 year old in the front over a 6ft 3 17 year old?

AvengedQuince · 09/08/2023 06:09

MissyPea · 09/08/2023 05:45

Adults always in the front. It’s not just about where you sit in a car. I put my foot down with this and now don’t go anywhere with them if he’s driving. In my car adults always in the front (that didn’t go down well either)
I’m actually relieved someone else else has brought this up!
If it was an adult male travelling with them who was a bit shorter than the boy, would they be expected to take the back seat?? I doubt it.

So an 18 year old over a 17 year old, every time, no matter their size? If everyone is an adult, what then?

MissyPea · 09/08/2023 06:22

AvengedQuince · 09/08/2023 06:09

So an 18 year old over a 17 year old, every time, no matter their size? If everyone is an adult, what then?

Show quote history

I’ll rephrase. Oldest always in the front.

Goldbar · 09/08/2023 06:47

If you go on size alone, you're going to end up with men/male children in the front/sides, and women/female children always the ones squashed in the sides/ middle seat.

Not a great optic when you're trying to teach girls that they matter too.

I mean... the visual message is literally that men are entitled to take up more space than women and their comfort is more important.

AvengedQuince · 09/08/2023 07:12

MissyPea · 09/08/2023 06:22

I’ll rephrase. Oldest always in the front.

Show quote history

So a 5ft 5 19 year old sister over her 6ft+ 17 year old brother? Every time?

PinkButtercups · 09/08/2023 07:16

I really don't get this. It's like a power trip/control thing with the front seat.

It's a seat fgs.

AvengedQuince · 09/08/2023 07:18

Or if I'm travelling with my sister and her partner I should always get the front as I'm older? Doesn't make sense to me.

AvengedQuince · 09/08/2023 07:21

PinkButtercups · 09/08/2023 07:16

I really don't get this. It's like a power trip/control thing with the front seat.

It's a seat fgs.

I agree, it seems very odd to me. I've always gone by need, or taking turns where there is no real need, or who will help navigate, and so on. Not working out that Mary is two years older than John so she gets the front.

okiedokie1 · 09/08/2023 07:21

Aw273 · 07/08/2023 15:57

Where does the ex sit when they drive together on these sports trips OP? I think that’s your answer

Yes. This

SnowWhitesSM · 09/08/2023 08:32

AvengedQuince · 09/08/2023 07:21

I agree, it seems very odd to me. I've always gone by need, or taking turns where there is no real need, or who will help navigate, and so on. Not working out that Mary is two years older than John so she gets the front.

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You take turns to sit in the front with your children like you're also a child?

cloudydays97 · 09/08/2023 08:34

@AvengedQuince completely agree, it's been a total eye opener reading this thread and learning all the power politics people place on sitting. I think it's ridiculous.

AvengedQuince · 09/08/2023 09:51

SnowWhitesSM · 09/08/2023 08:32

You take turns to sit in the front with your children like you're also a child?

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I'm usually driving, but when someone else is then we will take turns, yes. Not like I am a child, the backseat is fine for adults too, like we are just two people being considerate of one another.

AvengedQuince · 09/08/2023 09:53

My DS is only legally a child, in terms of size he is a close to fully grown young man. Actual children would be smaller than adults and many too small for the front with the airbag.

MissyPea · 09/08/2023 18:08

AvengedQuince · 09/08/2023 07:12

So a 5ft 5 19 year old sister over her 6ft+ 17 year old brother? Every time?

Show quote history

Will you change your opinion because I say so?
I won’t change my opinion because you think I should.
I was raised to respect adults. I would offer my seat if I thought the person would genuinely be uncomfortable of course, I was also raised with compassion. But as someone else pointed out, if this 16 year old was out in a car with friends he would happily squeeze in the back.

MissyPea · 09/08/2023 18:44

Goldbar · 09/08/2023 06:47

If you go on size alone, you're going to end up with men/male children in the front/sides, and women/female children always the ones squashed in the sides/ middle seat.

Not a great optic when you're trying to teach girls that they matter too.

I mean... the visual message is literally that men are entitled to take up more space than women and their comfort is more important.

This.
People at being silly trying to prove their little points with one year differences and and inch in height. The whole where to sit’ is symbolic, it shows us something. This is why children argue over the front seat, they show us it’s a place of importance without all the adult politics tainting their view. They simplify it. And this really is why it becomes the argument we are having here. It does matter, I offer my seat as a sign of respect for someone and their needs. I really don’t want someone else choosing for me and placing me.

AvengedQuince · 09/08/2023 19:28

And this really is why it becomes the argument we are having here. It does matter, I offer my seat as a sign of respect for someone and their needs.

This is exactly what I do though. It's about needs for me, not because one person is older than another. A person may be in the front due to frail old age or disability, travel sickness, being needed to give directions, or size. In the back if they are needed to attend to a baby or young child, or because they are tired and want to sleep. It's not about being under or over 18 or the oldest in the front in my family.

AvengedQuince · 09/08/2023 19:33

MissyPea · 09/08/2023 18:08

Will you change your opinion because I say so?
I won’t change my opinion because you think I should.
I was raised to respect adults. I would offer my seat if I thought the person would genuinely be uncomfortable of course, I was also raised with compassion. But as someone else pointed out, if this 16 year old was out in a car with friends he would happily squeeze in the back.

Show quote history

I think the boy should respect his sister no matter who is the adult, and vice versa. I think adults and children should respect each other. I am just trying to understand the view that on your 18th birthday you are suddenly more worthy of respect.

SnowWhitesSM · 09/08/2023 19:41

It's not about turning 18 and getting the front seat. It's about a child or even an adult child sitting in the back of their parents car and making one of their parents (step or not) sit in the back.

My dd will be 18 soon and she will still be taking turns with her 16yr old brother and she will still be sitting in the back if I pick a friend or adult relative up. When she's passed her test and has her own car she can then sit in the drivers seat up front all she likes in her own car. I wouldn't expect her future partner to sit in the back and her hypothetical child to sit in the front.

My car is my car, if I was married the cars would be both of ours. They wouldn't be our childrens cars.

LadyBird1973 · 09/08/2023 19:51

@MrsBennetsPoorNerves if you've really worked with lots of children then you should know already that sometimes parents can do everything right, be the most loving and respectful parents possible and still have kids who are capable of being whiny and complaining at times. That's the nature of fine teens!

If your daughter isn't ever like that give it time, I wouldn't congratulate yourself too much - it's as likely to just be her personality as your superb parenting Wink

I was slightly smug, having raised 3 sons with minimal moodiness. Then I got to dd's teen years!

LadyBird1973 · 09/08/2023 19:53

OP, you are already doing your dp a solid by putting up with his extended family, when they clearly have little sensitivity or tact regarding your feelings. Seems the apple didn't fall far from the tree with your dp!

Assert yourself - if he wants you to go, then you do it in the way most comfortable for you!