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Original poster

AIBU: Asked to sit in back seat

136 replies

Vibing · 07/08/2023 15:25

Been with DP 4 years. 3 stepkids 16,13,11. The 16 year old is a 6ft man god love him. Love them all to smitherines and want to support partner and them and their mum too.

Ive struggled at times with stepparenting and found the best way is to be disengaged but around. Im there.
Dp defiantely suffers with guilt that the family split and the kids are between two houses. So the kids rule the roost.
My two sons are at uni 21 and 23. We werent a shouty family and the small stuff isnt an issue. I didnt realise how laid back we were. Dp is shouty, he trys to do the authoritarian - this is my house and then berates himself. Ive learned to take a step back. They're all fine with this and have a dynamic that intensely loves and is shouty. I dont get it. But its them. Ive broke out a referree whistle in the past, bashed symbols, maraccas, shouted for alexa to put on rocky music to try and get them to laugh but that was my way of parenting and like i said ive taken a step back.

The kids dont pick up after themselves, like massively massively. Get spoiled with funds and get away with murder. Thats my personal opinion and who am i. Ive come to terms that every other week the house gets trashed and that the vibe gets shouty (i dont jump as much now).
Their mum lives two minutes away and they coparent closely. Teh amount of times Ive been dropped as their mum has stepped in, i cant count and cant argue with. But it still stings. One of them does well with sports and mum, dad and one other child travel to games across one side of the country. I found it uncomfortable but get that they both want to see the games and is mad they both travel seperately. Still uncomfortable. More so as their mum is not okay with me and never has been. At a loss their and learned that theres nothing I can do and its just the way it is.

So to my point - sorry long winded.
I was short and sharp with DP when he assumed I would sit in the back seat so 16 year old (he's 6ft and broad, so get it) can sit in the front. Were going to visit DP family that still has multiple multiple photos of DP ex and Dkids as a family unit on the walls (it throws me, even the mouse pad. i get it but Im already stressed about going). there is a family wedding so were all going.

I compromise on everything, feel I support their way of life but my one draw is that I will feel like an adult, who is a person in their own right. The sitting in the back seat request by DP has really bothered me. Ive offered to hire a bigger car, ive offered to pay the difference on the cost between the current hire car and a bigger one. Dp has said not to and that its not a problem but it means all three are going to be squished in the backseat and will fight. I feel awful for even asking as I know the 16 year old will give DP grief and DP is already feeling the distance that a 16 year old puts between themselves and parents.

How unreasonable am I being?
Be gentle please

OP posts:
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Goldbar · 08/08/2023 08:41

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/08/2023 08:25

They keep swapping, presumably?

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So presumably they can manage with sitting in the back for a few hours.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 08/08/2023 09:03

@Mylovelygreendress yes this stood out to me as well. My mum always used to consider herself a poor driver. But it was my father that had brainwashed her into that view Hmm

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/08/2023 09:17

Goldbar · 08/08/2023 08:41

So presumably they can manage with sitting in the back for a few hours.

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Yes, of course. That's not really the point, though, is it?

The question here is about whether the front seat should go to the person who needs it most because of their size or to the adult because of a perception that she has higher status.

If it's a long journey, perhaps the OP and get DSS could take turns?

FloweryName · 08/08/2023 09:23

The issue here is bigger than the front seat obviously, but it makes sense for the biggest person to sit in the front seat because they are likely to be the most uncomfortable if made to sit in the back.

It seems petty and selfish to me to expect the front seat just for being an adult when there is someone bigger and taller who needs it more.

The front seat doesn’t come with a status award about who is most important.

RecycleMePlease · 08/08/2023 09:48

If the six-footer sits in the front, then he'll need the seat pushed back - squishing the one and a half people behind him.

If he sits in the back, OP can have the seat a bit further forward, granting leg room for the six-footer, then it's just hiring a wide enough car.

We've done this quite often, and it's better to put a shortie in the front to give more space to the back.

Plus, she's the grown adult. And I do still believe that means she should get the front over the kids.

AvengedQuince · 08/08/2023 12:55

Plus, she's the grown adult. And I do still believe that means she should get the front over the kids.
A 6ft child has to be close to fully grown, and bigger than your typical fully grown woman.

SnowWhitesSM · 08/08/2023 13:02

Unless OPs dh is driving a sports hatch back then the back is absolutely fine comfort wise for a 6ft boy. Plenty of us have said how our 6 footers get in the back without issues. It's disingenuous to suggest it's only about comfort.

pinkyredrose · 08/08/2023 13:04

Op you should sit in the front. Put the seat forward so the kid can stretch out

Goldbar · 08/08/2023 13:42

I wouldn't say "higher status" but parents do have a different status in families to children. We wouldn't typically suggest that children should get the biggest bedroom with the ensuite even if they're physically bigger... that goes to the adults who pay the bills! And most normal cars are big enough for 5 adults.

sheworemellowyellow · 08/08/2023 13:51

It’s plain to see: in every part of the OP, it’s clear the dad places his children’s interests ahead of the OP’s. Which is fine when it comes to a good and healthy parent-child relationship, awful when it comes to a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. This man doesn’t know how to do both.

He’s not ready for you yet OP. You’re just there, in his house and in his life. I wouldn’t tolerate that. And I wouldn’t be going to the wedding or his family’s home (who also aren’t ready for you). Sorry. You deserve to be someone’s #1, not there #6.

Comefromaway · 08/08/2023 13:54

Whoever has the most need sits in the front.

My 5 ft 3 mum has been known to sit in the back so that one of ds's very tall friends can sit in the front. However I always sit in the front even though I'm small too because I get travel sick in the back.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/08/2023 13:59

I wouldn't say "higher status" but parents do have a different status in families to children. We wouldn't typically suggest that children should get the biggest bedroom with the ensuite even if they're physically bigger... that goes to the adults who pay the bills! And most normal cars are big enough for 5 adults.

I'm not sure I see the relevance of who is paying the bills. That implies that an adult has more rights simply because they pay for stuff...I can't quite get my head around that way of thinking!!

Goldbar · 08/08/2023 14:23

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/08/2023 13:59

I wouldn't say "higher status" but parents do have a different status in families to children. We wouldn't typically suggest that children should get the biggest bedroom with the ensuite even if they're physically bigger... that goes to the adults who pay the bills! And most normal cars are big enough for 5 adults.

I'm not sure I see the relevance of who is paying the bills. That implies that an adult has more rights simply because they pay for stuff...I can't quite get my head around that way of thinking!!

Of course they do 😂!

When as an ungrateful teen, I used to criticise our house/car/holidays/whatever to my poor mother, she'd say "Goldbar, when you're an adult and you've left home, you'll be able to do things exactly how you like, but in the meantime our house, our money and our rules.

SnowWhitesSM · 08/08/2023 14:45

Goldbar · 08/08/2023 14:23

Of course they do 😂!

When as an ungrateful teen, I used to criticise our house/car/holidays/whatever to my poor mother, she'd say "Goldbar, when you're an adult and you've left home, you'll be able to do things exactly how you like, but in the meantime our house, our money and our rules.

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Imagine working and coming home and letting your teens decide how you spend the wages that you earnt, letting them decide what bedroom you have and where you can sit in your car! Lols, glad that's not my life 😂

Imafirework · 08/08/2023 14:47

All our kids and step kids are bigger than me but I always sit in the front and nobody questions it.
It's mine and DHs car. If they want a lift they can cuddle up in the back or learn to drive and buy their own car!

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/08/2023 15:46

Goldbar · 08/08/2023 14:23

Of course they do 😂!

When as an ungrateful teen, I used to criticise our house/car/holidays/whatever to my poor mother, she'd say "Goldbar, when you're an adult and you've left home, you'll be able to do things exactly how you like, but in the meantime our house, our money and our rules.

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Perhaps if you had been brought up differently, you would have been more respectful of your mother as a teenager? My 18yo dd wouldn't dream of complaining to me about stuff like that. She has been treated with respect from when she was tiny, so she learned from an early age how to give that respect back.

Goldbar · 08/08/2023 16:26

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/08/2023 15:46

Perhaps if you had been brought up differently, you would have been more respectful of your mother as a teenager? My 18yo dd wouldn't dream of complaining to me about stuff like that. She has been treated with respect from when she was tiny, so she learned from an early age how to give that respect back.

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😂. Well there you have it. It must be the DSS's upbringing. Which makes it the ex's fault, I guess (look for the woman). Because no respectfully brought up child would dream of sulking or complaining to their parents/step-parents about stuff like... I don't know, where they sit in the car, for example. They're have learnt how to give respect back.

It's lovely that your DD is such a ray of sunshine but many teens regardless of upbringing will complain about anything and everything if they can get away with it.

Pallisers · 08/08/2023 16:35

Aw273 · 07/08/2023 15:57

Where does the ex sit when they drive together on these sports trips OP? I think that’s your answer

Pleas ask this question OP.

I think the car seat has become the hill you will die on but the reality is you are already putting up with a lot. Not many women would be happy with their house being trashed every second week. Who cleans up after them when they leave? Your dh? A lot of women would be a bit iffy about the ex being in ALL the family photos/mousepads at the inlaws. A lot of women would feel a bit off about your dh going off with his ex and kids to regular sports gigs. Especially if the ex has an issue with the current wife.

And basically what your dh is saying to you is "yes I know you are telling me you want to sit in the front but I have no problem refusing that completely and having an argument about it. When my son says he wants to sit in the front, I don't want to refuse him and definitely don't want to argue with him and have him kicking off about it". The car seat isn't important - it is not like you are asking him to not see his child so he can see you or not provide for his child so he can buy you a present. It is simply a matter of who he prioritises in a no-consequences quite usual situation - the vast majority of people put the adult in the front of the car - and it isn't you.

LadyBird1973 · 08/08/2023 16:40

I'm gonna guess that the poster who thinks well brought up kids never criticise or whinge, has either a very young child or only experienced teens whose personalities are that way inclined.
Eventually you come to realise that upbringing isn't capable of controlling everything about a child's behaviour and often the teens natural personality is what influences outcome the most. Or that even the mildest kid can be hit by hormones and turn into a raging monster for a while. Teens are prone to being selfish at times and only seeing life from their own perspective!

Fizzology · 08/08/2023 16:41

Off topic: Take some advanced driving lessons - seriously, you'll feel way more confident and be a better driver. Invest in you. I bet with some refresher lessons with a sympathetic instructor, you'll be better than your dh.

But on the front seat - YANBU. No way do you sit with 2 squabbling kids in the back. No. Way.

WetBandits · 08/08/2023 16:47

Whoever is taller sits in the front so they don’t get squashed! Whenever we go anywhere with DP’s 6’5 friend in one of our own cars, he sits in the front and I’ll either drive or jump in the back/DP will drive or jump in the back because we are 5’0 and 5’8 respectively and don’t need extra space for our legs. There’s never any of this hand-wringing Confused

illiterato · 08/08/2023 16:50

WetBandits · 08/08/2023 16:47

Whoever is taller sits in the front so they don’t get squashed! Whenever we go anywhere with DP’s 6’5 friend in one of our own cars, he sits in the front and I’ll either drive or jump in the back/DP will drive or jump in the back because we are 5’0 and 5’8 respectively and don’t need extra space for our legs. There’s never any of this hand-wringing Confused

But does your dp’s mate trash your house every other weekend because if he did you might not feel so charitable Grin?

honestly, his kids sounds a right pita. Stick’em in the roof box.

WetBandits · 08/08/2023 16:54

illiterato · 08/08/2023 16:50

But does your dp’s mate trash your house every other weekend because if he did you might not feel so charitable Grin?

honestly, his kids sounds a right pita. Stick’em in the roof box.

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I came home from work recently and he was there hoovering my living room as he’d popped in while DP was cleaning and decided to help 🥲

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 08/08/2023 17:09

LadyBird1973 · 08/08/2023 16:40

I'm gonna guess that the poster who thinks well brought up kids never criticise or whinge, has either a very young child or only experienced teens whose personalities are that way inclined.
Eventually you come to realise that upbringing isn't capable of controlling everything about a child's behaviour and often the teens natural personality is what influences outcome the most. Or that even the mildest kid can be hit by hormones and turn into a raging monster for a while. Teens are prone to being selfish at times and only seeing life from their own perspective!

Actually, I've worked with hundreds of teens over the years (as well as my own), including some from challenging backgrounds. They had their moments, like any human being, but I have found that they almost universally respond well to being treated with respect as equal human beings.

If you have the attitude that you're the adult and they're the child, and if you think that makes you inherently superior or more important, then it's hardly surprising that some kids will push back.

thing47 · 08/08/2023 17:40

Well I sat in the front when my 3 were teenagers because it's my bloody car! I paid for it, I tax it, I insure it, I pay for its MOT and I pay for the petrol so damn right I am going to take the most comfortable seat available. I'm happy to pull the seat as far forward as possible if the person behind me is tall but was I fuck sitting in the back of my own car with 2 teenagers in order to accommodate another teenager. There was no hand-wringing because there was no discussion to be had. If the 16-year-old didn't like it, he could drive himself. Oh, wait a minute…