AIBU: Asked to sit in back seat

[Vibing]

Been with DP 4 years. 3 stepkids 16,13,11. The 16 year old is a 6ft man god love him. Love them all to smitherines and want to support partner and them and their mum too.

Ive struggled at times with stepparenting and found the best way is to be disengaged but around. Im there.
Dp defiantely suffers with guilt that the family split and the kids are between two houses. So the kids rule the roost.
My two sons are at uni 21 and 23. We werent a shouty family and the small stuff isnt an issue. I didnt realise how laid back we were. Dp is shouty, he trys to do the authoritarian - this is my house and then berates himself. Ive learned to take a step back. They're all fine with this and have a dynamic that intensely loves and is shouty. I dont get it. But its them. Ive broke out a referree whistle in the past, bashed symbols, maraccas, shouted for alexa to put on rocky music to try and get them to laugh but that was my way of parenting and like i said ive taken a step back.

The kids dont pick up after themselves, like massively massively. Get spoiled with funds and get away with murder. Thats my personal opinion and who am i. Ive come to terms that every other week the house gets trashed and that the vibe gets shouty (i dont jump as much now).
Their mum lives two minutes away and they coparent closely. Teh amount of times Ive been dropped as their mum has stepped in, i cant count and cant argue with. But it still stings. One of them does well with sports and mum, dad and one other child travel to games across one side of the country. I found it uncomfortable but get that they both want to see the games and is mad they both travel seperately. Still uncomfortable. More so as their mum is not okay with me and never has been. At a loss their and learned that theres nothing I can do and its just the way it is.

So to my point - sorry long winded.
I was short and sharp with DP when he assumed I would sit in the back seat so 16 year old (he's 6ft and broad, so get it) can sit in the front. Were going to visit DP family that still has multiple multiple photos of DP ex and Dkids as a family unit on the walls (it throws me, even the mouse pad. i get it but Im already stressed about going). there is a family wedding so were all going.

I compromise on everything, feel I support their way of life but my one draw is that I will feel like an adult, who is a person in their own right. The sitting in the back seat request by DP has really bothered me. Ive offered to hire a bigger car, ive offered to pay the difference on the cost between the current hire car and a bigger one. Dp has said not to and that its not a problem but it means all three are going to be squished in the backseat and will fight. I feel awful for even asking as I know the 16 year old will give DP grief and DP is already feeling the distance that a 16 year old puts between themselves and parents.

How unreasonable am I being?
Be gentle please

So it's about the generation you fall into or whose car it is, not about anyone being an adult? Cousin and partner in their 20s pick me up and I would not expect anyone to move from the front even though I am turning 40, this is okay as we are the same generation? Though cousin may move for my teen to give him space for his legs which are much longer than hers and to let the blokes talk and she can then more easily talk to me too. Is this wrong in your opinion?

I agree giving up your front seat is a sign of respect. I do so for my elderly neighbour, my husbands uncle or a grandparent . I do not do it for the younger ( and fitter ) generation. Youngsters can sit in the front when they own a car.

Anyone can give someone their seat if they want to, there's no right or wrong in that. A child creating a fuss to one parent to make another parent move and then that parent guilt tripping the other one to do so is however, wrong.

For me it's not about height, it's about you lot are the children and you sit in the back when both parents are in the car.

I wonder what the dad will do when the next child hits 6ft? Will he get OP to drive a seperate car for both boys comfort? I very much doubt it, it's not about comfort anyway. It's poor form to stick OP in the back with two teens and have the third in the front.

The Op's post is about respect or lack thereof.

Take a stand.

I guess I don't understand as I would voluntarily sit in the back to let a 6ft+ lad have the front. I'm an average height woman and fit easily in the middle seat. I wouldn't want to be with someone if I didn't respect his boy and want him to be comfortable if his need was greater than mine.

I don't see him having a greater need. My ds is 16 and 6ft and he does just fine in the back. He often chooses to sit in the back on long journeys so he can sleep and not be my google map navigator. In a large enough car it really isn't hard to sit in the back if you're tall.

This isn't about need. It's about pushing OP to the back and sitting in the other adult seat.

I don't see any seat as being an adult seat, only in terms of safety if someone is too small for the front. That adult/'child' divide doesn't exist in our family and respect goes both ways so I struggle with the concept. It doesn't seem to have served ny DS badly though, he would automatically jump in the back for anyone like his great grandmother, or his great uncle with a bad knee.

I struggle with the concept of sitting in the back for a child to sit in the front because they want to. Feels odd to me, like giving up the master bedroom in a house. I don't see anyone in RL sitting in the back for their dc either. Tbh in terms of safety you'd want your dc in the back anyway, safest seat is behind the driver so a safety argument doesn't come in to it with relation to the front. It's not comfort as the car isn't a sports hatch back. It's about Disney dadding and OP being second best all the frigging time.

I know more than one family who use the master bedroom for multiple children where there is a logical need. I wasn't making a safety argument, I would not ordinarily use the front seat for someone until they were adult sized or about 5ft due to safety, I was saying I don't see it as an adults only seat, but an adult sized person seat.

We must just move in different circles, I see parents in the back all the time. I was very often in the front with a map for long distance drives myself at 10+, while my mother sat in the back with my siblings. I could map read, she couldn't.

My step daughter knows I wouldn't sit in the back of my own car. I've been asked and I've said straight up no or I drive so it's not even a question. When she buys her own car she can sit in the front of it. (I've paid for lessons that were never taken 🙄). I have also said to my dh that it's not happening and to back me up on it so it's not a discussion and I don't feel pressured.

I could have written this myself. I have two teenage SC and my DS. We bought a 7 seater so everyone had enough space! On one occasion I had to sit next to my youngest as he wasn't feeling well so one of them sat in the front. This then led to a couple of occasions where they assumed they were just getting in the front and my DP didn't correct. I told them I've paid for this car and will not be sitting in the back of the car unless there is a good reason!