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Original poster

AIBU: Asked to sit in back seat

136 replies

Vibing · 07/08/2023 15:25

Been with DP 4 years. 3 stepkids 16,13,11. The 16 year old is a 6ft man god love him. Love them all to smitherines and want to support partner and them and their mum too.

Ive struggled at times with stepparenting and found the best way is to be disengaged but around. Im there.
Dp defiantely suffers with guilt that the family split and the kids are between two houses. So the kids rule the roost.
My two sons are at uni 21 and 23. We werent a shouty family and the small stuff isnt an issue. I didnt realise how laid back we were. Dp is shouty, he trys to do the authoritarian - this is my house and then berates himself. Ive learned to take a step back. They're all fine with this and have a dynamic that intensely loves and is shouty. I dont get it. But its them. Ive broke out a referree whistle in the past, bashed symbols, maraccas, shouted for alexa to put on rocky music to try and get them to laugh but that was my way of parenting and like i said ive taken a step back.

The kids dont pick up after themselves, like massively massively. Get spoiled with funds and get away with murder. Thats my personal opinion and who am i. Ive come to terms that every other week the house gets trashed and that the vibe gets shouty (i dont jump as much now).
Their mum lives two minutes away and they coparent closely. Teh amount of times Ive been dropped as their mum has stepped in, i cant count and cant argue with. But it still stings. One of them does well with sports and mum, dad and one other child travel to games across one side of the country. I found it uncomfortable but get that they both want to see the games and is mad they both travel seperately. Still uncomfortable. More so as their mum is not okay with me and never has been. At a loss their and learned that theres nothing I can do and its just the way it is.

So to my point - sorry long winded.
I was short and sharp with DP when he assumed I would sit in the back seat so 16 year old (he's 6ft and broad, so get it) can sit in the front. Were going to visit DP family that still has multiple multiple photos of DP ex and Dkids as a family unit on the walls (it throws me, even the mouse pad. i get it but Im already stressed about going). there is a family wedding so were all going.

I compromise on everything, feel I support their way of life but my one draw is that I will feel like an adult, who is a person in their own right. The sitting in the back seat request by DP has really bothered me. Ive offered to hire a bigger car, ive offered to pay the difference on the cost between the current hire car and a bigger one. Dp has said not to and that its not a problem but it means all three are going to be squished in the backseat and will fight. I feel awful for even asking as I know the 16 year old will give DP grief and DP is already feeling the distance that a 16 year old puts between themselves and parents.

How unreasonable am I being?
Be gentle please

OP posts:
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Floofydawg · 07/08/2023 20:01

OhComeOnFFS · 07/08/2023 16:20

Tbh, I'd let them go on their own and I'd stay home and have a lovely time.

This. House to yourself - bliss.

MeridianB · 07/08/2023 20:07

You’re not being over-sensitive OP. You’re really not.

When you and DP are both in the car, the front seat should not be up for discussion. It’s for the non-driving adult. Simple as that.

If your DP is insistent about this then I’d drop out of the trip completely.

But either way, this feels like a symptom of a much bigger issue where you are ‘othered’ by all of them, including the ex.

Is your DP is good partner in other ways? Is he thoughtful and supportive of you? Appreciate what you do for him and his DC?

Marblessolveeverything · 07/08/2023 20:08

I don't get the disrespect. Person who is bigger requires more space, simples. I wouldn't put a six ft person in a back seat for "respect" nonsense. If you are also six feet then fine but making a six foot person fold themselves up for aesthetics is ridiculous.

CamelSilk · 07/08/2023 20:11

I'm 5'7" and my 17yo son is 6'4". I still sit in the front! YANBU.

cloudydays97 · 07/08/2023 20:11

Marblessolveeverything · 07/08/2023 20:08

I don't get the disrespect. Person who is bigger requires more space, simples. I wouldn't put a six ft person in a back seat for "respect" nonsense. If you are also six feet then fine but making a six foot person fold themselves up for aesthetics is ridiculous.

Completely agree

Coffeaddict · 07/08/2023 20:13

StillNoFuckingEyeDeer · 07/08/2023 15:30

You drive. DH can sit in the back.

This
DP went through a phase of this. In our case DSS is 11 but this was when he was 8ish. He would look to me to make me the bad guy.

I started replying yes of course you can sit in the front DSS and then informed DP I was driving. He tried it one more time and then instantly started saying no to DSS.
I wasn't being the bad guy for him he can say no or sit in the back himself

Brefugee · 07/08/2023 20:17

I'd offer a choice - car that is big enough for all the DCs to sit in the back, you drive (if you want) or you don't go.

I wouldn't want to sit in the back with 2 lads either, will you be in the middle? stuff that.

Womblegreen · 07/08/2023 20:29

No, you should be in the front. Offer to drive and suggest DP sits in the middle of the back.

TaylorSwiftFan · 07/08/2023 20:32

He has "insisted" he drives?

Fuck that.

You insist you drive OR insist you sit in the front

Moredrama · 07/08/2023 23:58

Keep it really simple, you’re sitting in the front. If he’s bothered about DS he can hire a bigger car, otherwise have regular rest breaks so he can stretch his legs. I would not want to be sat in the back with a bunch of noisy kids.
I would just move my seat forward a bit to allow more leg room in the back.
I assume this is what would happen in a ‘traditional family’ setting.

Maybe just monitor the journey there and if it’s obvious that DSS is struggling then you could offer for him to sit in the front on the way back (but make clear it’s a one off because of the long journey).

It sounds like you’re compromising on a lot in general.

Bellyblueboy · 07/08/2023 23:59

You seem to let your partner dictate a lot.

men don’t automatically drive. You should drive he should sit in the back.

this will be an important lesson to the children. Men aren’t automatically in charge. Men driving isn’t the default.

UsingChangeofName · 08/08/2023 01:00

Putting aside the complicated dynamics, I would willingly sit in the back to allow a taller, broader person to sit in the front.

This.
I normally sit in the back, simply because I fit there better than my ds. It is just logical and makes sense.

However, I don't have all the other dynamics going on.
To you this is about power play, not the logic of putting the biggest person where the most space is, which is how I view it, because I don't have all the other crap going on.

Mari9999 · 08/08/2023 01:44

@Vibing
I think that the reasonable solution is for you to drive and let your partner sit in the back. You get to assert your adult privilege and the 16 year old gets to sit in a seat that accommodates his physique.

Your adult status will be asserted and everyone else will be as comfortable as possible.

Fraaahnces · 08/08/2023 05:36

Honestly, most of the reason the dynamics are complicated is because your DH expects you to be subservient to the MENZ. He should put you first and put them in their place. You should also demand this. Stand up for yourself, woman!

Backstreets · 08/08/2023 05:44

YANBU. It sounds like you put up with a whole lot honestly. Do you even want to go to this event? Why is car seating being discussed so early? Agree if poor DSS couldn’t possibly squash up in back then your DH can do it.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 08/08/2023 05:45

This sounds like hell. This doesn’t have to be your life. Move out. Enjoy a space that they never enter. Visit them and then you can leave knowing you don’t have to clean up the mess. And with the car I would say no. And don’t go with them.

Marchintospring · 08/08/2023 05:52

My DS has always sat in the front because he always threw up and now because he’s 6” 3’. In my car DH sits in the back and my DH car, I do.
Its always been a biggest to smallest thing rather than a power trip. Acknowledging the back seat is not as nice as the front is fine.

I’m a bit 🤔 about the shouty thing. Clearly the dynamics of one upmanship don’t sit well with you but I agree with those saying you have to woman up. You drive if you don’t want the back seat.

Ragwort · 08/08/2023 05:53

Agree with others that the whole dynamics sound very draining and I wouldn't want to live like that. Why do you even need to go and watch the sporting event if mum, dad and another sibling are already tagging along?
Do you really want to live your life like this .. imagine as they get older, have partners .... throw grandchildren into the mix .. it's all going to be very loud and shouty. Think how calm and peaceful your life would be in your own home.

Please don't say you have given up your own home to live with this man?

AvengedQuince · 08/08/2023 05:58

Marblessolveeverything · 07/08/2023 20:08

I don't get the disrespect. Person who is bigger requires more space, simples. I wouldn't put a six ft person in a back seat for "respect" nonsense. If you are also six feet then fine but making a six foot person fold themselves up for aesthetics is ridiculous.

Absolutely agree. Seats should be allocated according to need, not some hierarchy.

Busubaba · 08/08/2023 05:59

I would let him sit in the front and I would sit in the back and have a kip.

Imogensmumma · 08/08/2023 06:00

I think the whole who is sitting in the front isn’t really the issue. It is potentially just the straw that broke the camel’s back. If you felt respected and comfortable in your own home and as a SM I think you would happily give the seat to DSS. However, as you and your home are disrespected you are using this car trip as a means to make a stand.

Maybe you shouldn’t be going and use the time they are away to think if living together is making your life better. Maybe you and DP shouldn’t be living together till all kids have left home

Codlingmoths · 08/08/2023 06:05

flipent · 07/08/2023 15:43

I don't think you necessarily mean it this way, but it does come across that your comfort is more important than a 16 year old purely because you're an adult.

It does sound like you've offered some sensible alternatives - is there a reason your husband won't agree to a bigger car?

Alternatively, let them drive and you take the train (upgraded to first class for the trouble)?

Because it is. Dh is 6 foot. He sits in the back if his parents are driving him somewhere, or if his dad is driving us I will often sit in the front and Dh in the back. I’m going to have 2 6 foot teenagers and they will sit in the back. There will be no ‘I’m bigger than you so I get to sit in the front.’ That’s how 99% of families work.

cloudydays97 · 08/08/2023 06:07

I don't think it is @Codlingmoths I think that's a really odd position that someone's genuine comfort is second to politics over who gets a seat

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/08/2023 06:07

I'd drive. Let them argue it out then.

You say your driving isn't good. In what way?

Codlingmoths · 08/08/2023 06:09

Moredrama · 07/08/2023 23:58

Keep it really simple, you’re sitting in the front. If he’s bothered about DS he can hire a bigger car, otherwise have regular rest breaks so he can stretch his legs. I would not want to be sat in the back with a bunch of noisy kids.
I would just move my seat forward a bit to allow more leg room in the back.
I assume this is what would happen in a ‘traditional family’ setting.

Maybe just monitor the journey there and if it’s obvious that DSS is struggling then you could offer for him to sit in the front on the way back (but make clear it’s a one off because of the long journey).

It sounds like you’re compromising on a lot in general.

If it’s impossible for teen to survive the journey I guess he can’t do traveling on commercial air when he’s older. Shame, all the other kids his size will happily book their ticket and sit in the airline seat for 7/13/26 hours to go on amazing trips. I guess not this one.