The straw that broke the camel’s back..

[JH20000]

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

I bet he wants you out so the ex can move in OP.

Do you have a trusted family member or friend that firmly has your back to be with you when you return home?

Definitely use this time to get some legal advice.

And finally, don't worry about SS. Of course this man doesn't want you to be honest with them. Honest doesn't exactly cover him or the ex in glory. You have absolutely nothing to lose in being fully frank with them.

In fact the only thing you have to lose at all is this bloody awful family of leeches, who will be no loss at all.

it does sound as if this diabolical pair are plotting to get your share of the property.
I wouldn't be telling this man anything, you need to stay as many steps ahead of him as you can, any information you give him about what your plans are, or what you suspect etc will allow him to stay ahead of you.
Play dumb & feed him bullshit, he'll then think it'll be easy to get in control of you and he wont realise he's waaaaay underestimated you until it's too late

Yes, the whole SS thing shouldn't really be a concern for you, OP. It feels like a bit of a red herring in all this. Your priority is getting good legal advice about making sure you get out with your fair share of the property. Very good that you're financially independent and don't have any children by this man. I suspect your mental health is going to improve the further you get from them all.

OP, look at it like this, he’s frightened and is acting like this because he knows full well you have the power in this whole situation. He’s trying to get it back. But you’re not going to give it back, so he/they are stuffed. He cannot get power if you’re not giving it.
If it was me I would tell SS exactly what’s been going on, what’s going on now, how it’s affecting you even, why not tell them yourself that your mental health is in bits because of these people.
Let her stop the kids coming, stand your ground, get a solicitor and get that house sold (the solicitor will help action it) I would state to him only that your relationship is over and let the solicitor do the rest. Document absolutely everything, call the police if you need to. But ffs do not let him get around you, ever.
YOU are not the problem, and I’m really sorry you are going through this.

Totally agree.
The social care thing literally nothing to do with you now and won’t have any affect on you what do ever. It won’t have any affect on you getting a job with children etc.

I used to be a social worker. If a mum was calling me saying her children aren’t safe at their dads house because of someone else living there I’d be suggesting she not allow them to his house if she doesn’t think they’ll be safe. I wouldn’t be contacting the fathers ex. What would be the point, it’s the parents responsibility to keep children safe.

I love your post and the way you put it!!!

SS aren't stupid, they come across people like your dp and his ex all the time and are well versed at seeing through bullshit.

Simply tell them the truth about what's happening, all the truth.

Do you have someone you could move in with until you can find your own home? I'd not want to step back into a house with your dp ever again

OP there is children's social services and adult social services.

If the social worker from children's social services sees that you are vulnerable and have a disability they may have to inform adult social services.

So your partner stating you have mental health problems etc could backfire on him as adults social services could get involved.

I use to live with plus know another adult social worker. One of the issues they frequently come across is adults whether they are relations, partners or just acquaintances controlling or trying to control a vulnerable person including any money and asserts e.g. home.

She needs to move back in as the partner will take over the house as that is his plan.

However it is a good idea for the OP to have various relations and friends visit regularly when she is at home preferably male relatives. These people need also be on hand to act if her partner tries anything.

The OP also needs to be must call the police if her partner touches her.

How did last night go OP? Did you manage to sleep? Were you harrassed by exp ringing your phone all evening? Has he made you feel worse or has he promised to change?

Have you rang womans aid or the national DV helpline? That would be a great place to start if you can. You might have to ring and request a time/day to be rang back.

He can't change the locks or force you to move out so maybe spend a couple of days in the hotel, chill out, speak to different organisations like the DV helpline and Shelter for housing advice. Get your ducks in a row as the saying goes.

Tell the SW what he has said will happen to you in the future. His lies will show him for what he is.

Get him out of your house and change the locks. The whole family are toxic. Leave them to their poison.

I’m sorry I’m not responding quickly, I’m bogged down with work (you wouldn’t believe I’m in a senior professional role that’s hugely stressful but people rely on me there!!)

I’m really nervous about today being honest with you all. I feel I’m going to just crumble.

I am seeing work as the key to my financial independence so I’ve been switching off from all the drama once I’m logged in.

This is all so bloody hard and it’s got to the point work colleagues have been asking if I’m ok so I’m definitely giving off vibes there.

Don't worry about responding here, you don't owe anyone a bloody thing, you're not a soap opera!

Good idea to leave the drama away from work, nobody needs to be bringing their whole self to work in this instance!

And why would you crumble? And if you do crumble so what? SS aren't the child police, nobody is going to march you off clapped in irons, as many PPs have said, they'll most likely know exactly what those two are about and act accordingly.

@JH20000
Crumbling would be a natural and understandable response to the pressure and stress that this diabolical pair have placed you under, you have no legal duty of care towards this child, all you have done is tried heroically to compensate for the complete lack of parenting from this poor girl's parents.
This man has seized upon you because he sensed right away that you were a kind helpful person and he has exploited you every which way he can, he has manipulated and gas lit you into thinking that you are in the wrong to cover up for his and his ex-wife's appalling behavior

Obviously this man is in the wrong but it's still remains the case that the house is jointly owned, he has a legal right to be in the home that he jointly the owns with her.
If she changes the locks to keep him out of his own home then she will be in the wrong.

Thank you, you have put into words exactly what I have been thinking. I have been used as an emotional punchbag by both of them because it’s easier than them facing up to the reality of their lack of parenting.

Keep going Op, you get through this

What time is the social worker coming? Are they actually coming or is it another lie?

They are both nasty, toxic people, and constantly blowing smoke up your arse and trying to manipulate you.

Your husband wants you to leave the house. He is trying to manipulate you to leave by saying you are mentally ill anda danger to his kids. It you were truly a danger then he would have left and took his kids in order to safeguard them. I bet when it's convenient for him you'll be more than adequate to provide money, care, pick ups, cooking, and laundry services.

Well he couldn’t be that bothered about me apparently being a danger to his kids as he had to go out this morning and asked if it would be OK to mind the youngest 🤔 I had returned home from the hotel at that point and was at home working. His actions and words don’t match.

The social worker is here currently (just arrived) & he’s morphed into the perfect father and partner mode. Complete 180.

This man is likely unable to consciously/intellectually grasp the underlying dynamics of the situation.
Looks like they are both inadequate/icapable of being competent parents, possibly also people that bring out the worst in each other. You have been drawn in and are now being treated like an appliance which is supposed to do the work for them. Because they lack the ability to objectively weigh up the situation and understand things they are resorting to metaphorically kicking you to see if that will make this machine (ie you ) start working (for them) again.
I would say that your only 'mistake' is a kind of naiveity in that you assumed (quite naturally) that parents would always do the best they can for their children, would always step up and do the right thing.

Oh exactly. I am convenient when he needs me, my previous post describes exactly that.

I don't know if this is feasible but I would take very detailed notes as soon as the social worker has gone (don't let him see) and then see if there's any way you could have a private interview with the social worker?
Maybe let him think he's fooled everyone and got away with it?
It absolutely stinks that you're having to go to these lengths 🤬

Good luck op. In your shoes I'd be open about everything. Including the threats he has made towards you. And the fact that notwithstanding the fact that you're a "danger" he still wanted you to look after the youngest today! Things will get better.

I’m convenient enough for when he needs childcare, someone to wash his kid’s clothes (they return from their mums house dirty and with bags of dirty unwashed clothes - I’m the one who actually does all the laundry for them), cooks, cleans after them, I’ve even helped to finance their school uniform when his ex wife refused. I’m the only one who’s spoken out about their drug usage and the potential realistic dangers that could happen, all whilst DP thinks they’ll grow out of it and being told not to worry about it.

I’ve been a mug haven’t I? I guess I have tried to step into a parental pair of shoes here and I guess im upset because it’s being thrown back in my face.