The straw that broke the camel’s back..

[JH20000]

Name changed.

I have had no end of problems with DP’s ex wife. She’s awful sorry to say and I’ve had abuse consistently from her.

My 3 step kids are challenging to say the least, multiple problems with them taking drugs, truanting from school, consistently being in trouble with the police, being disrespectful to everyone, stealing etc. I’m struggling massively to the point I’m now on multiple anxiety/depression medications. DP is very blasé about it all, and I’ve had little support from him. For what it’s worth I’m child free myself so struggling because I’ve never been in a parent role before.

His ex wife turned up on the doorstep this evening screaming and shouting because I told the eldest child off for coming back to ours late last week. He was supposed to be in for 9 and came in at 10.30 for context. She was leaning in for a fight, screaming abuse at me and stating I’m the reason the kids are badly behaved and that she’s reporting me to social services. 🙄

DP stood there throughout shrugging his shoulders stating that I shouldn’t have told the child off and that he agreed with his ex wife. I told her I was going to call the police as she was becoming threatening and she laughed in my face before storming off.

This is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I guess I just needed a handhold. I’m not sure why I’m putting up with this crap.

No what has happened is worse than it being thrown back in your face.

You are being abused.

Work out how to end the relationship.

Ask family and friends for help. DO NOT SUFFER IN SILENCE.

Silence is what he is hoping for. Once you start speaking to people then his behaviour will have absolutely no hold over you.

I’ve been a mug haven’t I? I guess I have tried to step into a parental pair of shoes here and I guess im upset because it’s being thrown back in my face
You've been a good decent person who tried to care about and help the children, you thought you were in a partnership and that if you were kind and helpful he would reciprocate by being kind and helpful.
This man is not capable of being a partner his instinct is to exploit and take advantage of other people's kindness and good nature.
Because you're a good decent person it's hard for you to conceive that other people would behave in this way.

I wouldn't be passive in the meeting. If you can't talk in front of him then I would ask for the SW contact details and arrange for a meeting with them privately.

You are being abused, gaslight and used but these arseholes. But, they are also neglecting these children and setting them up to fail. @JH20000 You need to run in the opposite direction but I think you need to tell SS exactly what is going on. Not out of spite but because its thr right thing to do for these kids.

OP, not trying to berate you or anything, but why are you doing things for him? You have stepped back into the firing line.

Tell him it's best that you "don't look after the children since you are a danger to them and all". Tell him you are no longer doing anything for him, or them, since you are so "unwell".

Don't get dragged into this again.

You MUST get a solicitor and start sorting out your finances because they both screw you over financially.

One 'problem' is that op presumably feels some emotional attachment to these children, she (naturally) feels upset if they are suffering this man however is unaffected or blames her if they are suffering, so it's easy for him to keep her under pressure and unsettled whilst he feels fine.
He breezily and instantly switches on the charm when the social worker is is there whilst she is stressed and trying to cope with the situation.
Because they are living together, because her money invested in the house is at stake it's easy for him to keep her stressed and on the back foot.

If your partner can't remove the stress from you and allows this to continue then I would get out. It should not be your problem.

When they make claims that you are a danger to the children they do this in the expectation that you will respond by wanting to prove that you are not a danger to them, in other words that you will try even harder and do even more of the work for them.
If instead you were to agree with them and (without any hint of sarcasm) say 'you're right I'm just no good with kids, from now on I won't get involved' and then just stop doing anything for them that will surely take the wind out of their sails?

You need to escape this toxic family and leave them to your partner. I'd just not tolerate it and leave.

Get out, fuck that

I won’t go into too many details but SS could see I was upset and I did crumble a little. I explained how difficult I was finding it all and spoke about my mental health.

I think they could see through DP. His ex wife had obviously spun them a load of sh*t about me but I managed to dispute all the allegations and SS seemed happy enough.

It kind of blew up in DP’s face as he was questioned on his parenting and his boundary setting. He couldn’t answer, he basically had to admit he had no rules for them and no boundaries or discipline. I could see he didn’t want to admit that.

I’m not sure what’s happening now as I had to take an urgent work call towards the end but I believe DP has been referred for extra support on boundary setting.

LOLs that's actually hilarious but you still need to get out of there OP!

Don't waste your life on this man and his kids!

And it's absolutely awful to have a professional job and be in a situation like this. My upmost sympathies! 💐

I am planning a solicitor appointment next week, just trying to take it one step at a time but thank you everyone.

Bottom line OP; they are dumb, you are smart*, you can play the long game and win.
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger and you won't get fooled again.

*That's why he was drawn to you, he saw someone capable and intelligent and he thought he could get in control of you and work everything to his advantage, of course he overreached.
It seems to me that men are very prone to overreaching because they (by default) underestimate women's abilities.

It kind of blew up in DP’s face as he was questioned on his parenting and his boundary setting. He couldn’t answer, he basically had to admit he had no rules for them and no boundaries or discipline. I could see he didn’t want to admit that
He has been humiliated and I think I'd expect him to be experiencing some rage at being made to look a fool. He will likely be looking for someone upon whom to unleash this rage.
It might be an idea to expect this and have some strategies ready in order to side step/mitigate etc

I was glad he was asked because it brought it to the forefront of his mind that there are no rules or boundaries here for his children.

The SS went through some examples of when his children were displaying unacceptable behaviour and each time they asked him ‘what discipline or consequences did the child get for doing that?’ (Not their exact words but summarised) and he had to keep replying ‘none’. It started to get a bit embarrassing to be fair!

He has accepted the extra support and has admitted they have no boundaries, whether he will do any work on that though I honestly don’t know. It would mean a lot of work with the kids, but as people say it’s not my problem.

Amazing isn't it @JH20000 .

All his lies and gaslighting is very apparent. You don't have to leave your home. Your not a risk to the children. Your name isn't blacklisted.

Shock horror, he needs to learn how to parent and have boundaries.

I'm glad you're seeing a solicitor. Write a list of all the nasty bullshit he's been doing and refer back to it everything you feel yourself weaken. He's and abuser. He's ex is an abuser. Leave them both in the suit of their own making.

Op why were you even involved in the social care visit? Surely if you are breaking up there’s no point you being involved. Or does he think you might still be together. You didn’t agree to watch his children when he asked did you?

I hope you fucking said NO

Did you pretend that you will still together to the SW? I'd have said he's dumped me for telling off his kid and for being upset about the ring doorbell footage.. and shown the SW how she behaves!

Do you actually enjoy your housekeepers job op? Because you aren't seen as owt else...

Please don’t let him manipulate you and worm back in, it’s not going to change.

He has accepted the extra support and has admitted they have no boundaries, whether he will do any work on that though I honestly don’t know
in that case my prediction would be that he speaks as if he's accepted it but when he fully realises how much this will impact his time/freedom he tries to maneuver you into taking the strain of the extra work

People rarely change unless they want to. He says things because SS want to hear if. I wouldn’t change your plan of seeing the solicitor and push forward on that side. You will be much better off in the long run.

This